Yeah… sometimes, even when you’re bisexual, you just gotta say no to the sex and more so when, if you were like I was and pretty much doing it with everyone who asked (or got asked), it’s not because any of the sex was bad or anything like that – it’s that being so… popular can just get on your nerves after a while. It occurred to me, at one of the critical turning points of my life, that what I was experiencing was exactly why so many girls were turning guys down for sex and, yeah, even telling them no even if sex wasn’t an issue.
And when you learn to say know, you also learn to mean what you say… and then be ready to back it up. I’m not even sure why this hit me; I dimly recall saying to myself one day, “If somebody wants to fuck around with me, I’m telling them no…” and that mean guys and gals. I dunno… maybe everyone goes through one of those periods where they start to feel used – the dreaded and despised piece of ass – and realize that sex has to have some meaning to it other than just something to do. So while I was sorting this out in my head, I was telling people no – and now I got to see just how fucking ugly people can get when you turn them down for sex.
Some girls would get bent and suggest that I was a faggot and didn’t like pussy as they’d been hearing and a few of them started a rumor to that effect, something that when you’re in high school, can just trash whatever reputation and cred you’ve managed to establish if a lot of people start to believe that blatant lie. The girls were easy to deal with though and, yeah, I’d often have to protect my rep and lay the pipe to them to prove that I wasn’t gay. The dudes, well, while they never assumed that I was gay, they’d get pissed if they wanted to fool around and I said no – and they’d be ready to fight, too, because I guess you’re not supposed to ever say no. Some guys were stupid enough to, um, insist that I comply and that I had no choice but to comply and, yep, that’s about the time the fight would get started and they’d learn that the rep I had about this particular thing was valid and well-earned – you just don’t fuck with the quiet motherfucker because they’re the most dangerous.
It wasn’t that I had a problem with getting laid – I felt I was having a problem with everyone wanting a piece of me; seems like I now wanted to do it more on my own terms than someone else’s but, um, I also realized that I didn’t have much in the way of terms to begin with… so I developed some that would give me more control over what, where, when, how, and who. I was believing – and like so many others – that you needed a reason to screw other than just wanting to do it; I learned that it wasn’t important that someone care about me but being respected and, yes, appreciated was so if I got any indication that I wasn’t going to be respected and appreciated, the answer is no… and especially if the person wanting to get into my tighty-whities was male. Girls didn’t really give me that much of a problem except it kinda bothered me a little that all some cared about was the size of my dick or I had some other prized value… like that really nice hair, or I could sing and dance and if I had a job, well, that made me even more desirable… and that really stunk… but pussy is pussy. It was easy for me to tell a girl no if she implied that I had to – essentially – “pay” her; if I sensed she had an ulterior motive for wanting to fuck me or she was asking what I was gonna do for her, then the answer was no – sex was beginning to have more value than material things.
I knew I was much more than a guy with a bigger than average dick or a guy who had the rep of being horribly fond of eating pussy or even that groupie thing I experienced because I not only played in the school bands, I was gigging hard with my band outside of school… but then I was also learning about that behavior women have – and one they might not even be aware of – that’s really a part of the selection process of who could have access to her eggs. Yeah, this shit was getting deep and my thirst for knowledge was opening me to information about sex that was, at the time, incredible and almost unbelievable. Was it nice that a girl would want to fuck me just because I played drums in the out-of-school band? Hell yeah it was… but I also learned what “cheap sex” was, too – sex without any real meaning to it other than it could be done.
Dudes… again. I was developing a picture that wasn’t pretty and one that girls already had – dudes can be real bastards when they want to fuck you and they’re not necessarily gonna give a shit about you before, during, or after the fact. Wow… talk about something being disheartening? In that one moment in time, I understood the nature of the beast – well, I understood that there was a nature – and it painted a pretty fucked up picture. For about four months, I’d find myself telling people no until I eventually began to get my head around the whole sex thing – and that put me on a path to find out everything I could about sex and why folks would do or say the damnedest things to get it… or do their best to run and hide from anything that looked like sex.
Many years later, I realized that had I not been able to rectify things in my head, sexually, I would have totally shut myself down and would have wound up like so many of my peers – being either afraid or very leery about sex. Not that it was all that dangerous physically… but emotionally? Yeah, the truth about it all hit me like a fist with brass knuckles even though I was in my sophomore year of high school. I was really understanding the differences between men and women and what I was learning was damned sobering and even disappointing/discouraging at times. I finally did get my shit together in this and began to move forward sexually… but now picking and choosing with a great deal more care and thought. My philosophy on sex was born and now being developed extensively because I not only had to have one for girls, I had to have one for guys, too, and even early on, my mindset about it was very deep and more so when the pitfalls you can fall into along the way were becoming very clear and defined.
Didn’t stop me from having sex or being bisexual – there really wasn’t a good reason to stop having sex or being bisexual. Wrought with problems? Well, yeah… sex, I now saw, was problematic all by itself… but if you were smart about it, you could still have all the sex you needed, be it casual or relationship. When I first started saying no, I felt kinda bad, like I was letting the person down or something like that… but I quickly got over it because I now knew that sex should be just as much about me as it was about them. Casual sex – having sex just because you want to and/or can – was seen as being bad and now I really understood why and it all went back to when I was told that you should only have sex with someone you love or, gasp, you were gonna marry. Having sex out-of-wedlock was sinful behavior, according to the preacher man and, yeah, even way back then, I was beginning to see the religious fallacies where sex and even procreation were concerned.
I’d still tell some folks no because they wouldn’t meet my standards in some way or the other and now there were double standards in play thanks to my duality; there were certain behaviors and, yeah, mindsets I no longer found attractive and, uh-huh, when I finally figured all this shit out I said to myself, “I wish I knew then what I know now…” I even learned to not set my “new” standards so high that it would make getting laid impossible – which a lot of my peers were now doing and for whatever reasons they were doing this; it used to baffle me to hear guys and gals bitching about not being to get laid – but when you heard what criteria they had for getting laid, wow, it was no wonder they were going without sex except maybe a lot of very private masturbation sessions. There were so many of my peers that needed a great deal of assurances and I understood that these things were designed to protect their self-esteem and/or ego so they could avoid being used, be seen as just a piece of ass, or even put in place about what they’d been told about sex – and if they’d been told anything at all.
I think the most important thing I learned from my four months of intense thinking/studying is that even when you set the bar for having sex – and you do have to set one of some kind – it is also subject to change; I was seeing that a lot of people would set their personal bars and just leave them as originally constructed and their failure to change anything about it caused them more problems than anything else, telling me that it wasn’t enough to be bisexual and flexible in that sense, but what I thought about sex – and how it all applied to me – had to change as well even if it was because my thoughts and feelings about sex were always changing and, yep, from one moment to the next.
I shudder to think what might have happened had I not learned these things because I had reason to say no for a few… and before I became an adult.