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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Conflicted

14 May

Yeah, I know… learning that you’re bisexual and even thinking that you might be can leave you pretty conflicted and, I think, mostly because we’re all taught that we have to be straight.  When you toss in the growing acceptance of homosexuality, yeah, when you’re “stuck in the middle,” it can leave you wondering just what in the hell is going on with you.

You’re a guy and women just do something to and for you… but you feel something when you see men, too, leaving you with a “What the fuck?” kind of feeling because, of course, you’re not supposed to look at other men and be attracted to them in any way other than friendship.  You see some dude – maybe you know him, maybe you don’t – and you get the same rush of horny feelings that looking at a woman can produce which, by the way, can shatter all of your perceptions about attraction.  If it doesn’t do anything else, it’ll get you thinking and the conflict between what you’ve been taught and what you’re actually experiencing begins… and I’ve seen it overwhelm guys because they’re unable to sort things out for themselves.  I’ve seen guys ignore it, well, right up to the point where they’re talking to some guy and realize that while their mind isn’t actively responding to the dude, their body is and one of those little voices we all carry around in our head says, “He’s hot – I wonder what he’d be like in bed?”

One of the biggest problems for any bisexual is resolving this internal conflict and trying to make sense of why they’re feeling these things when they’re not supposed to feel them like this.  Resolution of this conflict can be difficult; I know some folks who even after years of pondering this still haven’t figured it out and the conflict can make such an impact on someone that their mind, in an effort to maintain the status quo, can convince them that they’re not feeling what they’re feeling… even when they’re feeling it.

The denial is interesting when you get down to the root of it all.  One part of you says that you couldn’t possibly be bisexual while another part of you is saying, “Oh, yes, you are – you just don’t want to admit that looking at Josh makes your dick hard!”  It can’t be true… because you were told or otherwise taught that it can’t be true… but if you’re feeling it, um, doesn’t that mean that what you were taught isn’t exactly the truth?  You begin to understand a few things, like, what you were taught is all about how you’re supposed to behave, those things which are socially and morally acceptable, things that make you behave “normally” or “just like everyone else.”  But, apparently, that’s not accurate because the way you’re feeling ain’t making you feel “normal” and somewhat apart from “everyone else” and now the question is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do about this?”

When I’ve been asked questions along this line, I will tell them something that just might make the conflict worse:  “Just accept that this is how you feel.”  Yeah, that’s not really all that easy to do since you’ve been conditioned to believe that you’re not supposed to feel this way about other men… but it doesn’t change the fact that you are feeling something for Josh other than friendship.  Ya might not be in love with him or even infatuated in some way… but if you could get at his naked body, yeah, that might be interesting!  Now, how one goes about accepting that, yep, you actually can feel something for men and women, depends on the individual; as far as I know, there’s no tried-and-true method to this – one has to decide for themselves that what they’re feeling and/or thinking is the truth of themselves and not the “truth” you were told to believe about such things.

Some never resolve the conflict because it requires a great deal of thought and that’s just too much like work; the more you think about it, the more questions that come up and if that wasn’t bad enough, not being able to come up with any answers just makes the resolution of this conflict that much more difficult and, as I said, to the point where your brain just gets overloaded and makes you say, “Oh, fuck this!” and stop thinking about it.  Which is kinda a good thing; if you’re not thinking about it, it can’t fuck with you… until, say, you’re out playing some basketball with Josh and he has his shirt off, is all sweaty and musky, and you’re looking at his muscles ripple and flow as he moves… and your dick is harder than the rim attached to the backboard.

The conflict can be so bad that you can find yourself wishing that these forbidden feelings would just go away and bother someone else; they’re bothersome and distracting and you just don’t need this shit fucking with you because you have more important things to think about… but the thoughts and feelings just will not go away.  I told a guy once, “It’s gonna keep fucking with you until you accept that you really do feel this way.”  I’ve heard guys categorically deny that they wouldn’t, couldn’t, and shouldn’t want to have sex with another man, that it’s just flat-out wrong to feel love or affection for another guy because ain’t that what women are for?  But, as I’d point out to them, that doesn’t change the fact that this is what’s going on in your head, does it?  Maybe consciously you wouldn’t want to, say, suck Josh’s dick… but you’re thinking about what it would be like and you’re finding it horribly stimulating and exciting, aren’t you?

I’ve hit them with this and, yep, their first reaction is to deny it… then start waffling all over the place, saying things like, “Just because I might be thinking about it – and I ain’t saying that I am – doesn’t mean I really wanna do it… or I’m gonna do it!”  And I’ve looked at them and have said, “Yeah, right… I believe you…” and in a tone that should tell them that, nah, I ain’t buying it – and neither are you.  Still, the conflict will make you behave like this until you accept the “simple” fact that while you’d bone Josh’s sister in a heartbeat, uh, you feel that boning Josh wouldn’t be all that bad of a thing.  You don’t have to rush out and do something about what you’re thinking… you just have to accept that you are thinking about it and despite what you’ve been told, that you’re thinking about Josh like this is, in fact, normal.

It’s not all that socially or morally acceptable… but it still doesn’t change the fact that you wouldn’t mind getting with Josh if he’d go along with it – and maybe you’ve even worked out how to find out if he’d be down with it.  It’s how you feel and while it would be nice to figure out exactly why you feel this way, eh, that’ll probably be more difficult than resolving this conflict… but resolution begins with acceptance of what is now the obvious fact that, yeah, you’re not supposed to want to get into Josh’s pants… but you really wouldn’t mind doing just that.  It’s how you feel and while there are many other things to be concerned about, it “simply” begins with accepting this.  You could keep telling yourself that there’s no way running your hands all over Josh’s body is an exciting thought… but you also can’t deny that the thought is there… and it’s pretty strong.

Then it becomes a question of just how long you can keep lying to yourself – and, sure enough, some guys can keep the lie going for as long as necessary… but does it really make sense to do this?  Sure… you might not want “everyone” knowing that Josh is in your head like that… but resolution of the internal conflict begins with accepting that, um, he is and it turns you on to think about it.  What you do about it is something else – maybe you can do something about it, maybe you can’t but even wanting to do something about it begins with accepting that, yeah, you’re at the very least thinking about it.

All of this is very hard to accept and, yeah, I know – I make it sound easy but, of course, since I’ve been there and gotten through it, I know for a fact that resolving this conflict ain’t easy at all.  The best I can do is tell you how I resolved it – I just accepted that this is how I felt and then, because I’m the way I am, went about the daunting task of figuring it all out for myself, like why I feel one way about women and another way about men.  It takes time and lots of mental processing time… but it can be done and how easy or hard this will be for you depends on how willing you are to accept a truth that’s not supposed to be true.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on 14 May 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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10 responses to “Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Conflicted

  1. cityman

    16 May 2015 at 04:05

    Excellent post. It’s amazing on the one hand how simple bisexuality is, in theory — that humans would have the capacity to make each other feel good sexually (and otherwise), regardless of gender. On the other hand, it’s totally complicated by society running on a heteronormative “software” in large part due to religion, but also due to the false notion that we are supposed to fit neatly into boxes and categories. We shame ourselves into a binary classification system that just doesn’t reflect reality. We’re much more complicated than that.

    Bisexuality is an inconvenient truth — and as you say, it can be a real mindscrew because it shatters a lot of assumptions. But it’s real and It’s who we all are, to greater or lesser degrees. Always has been, always will be. Your advice to acknowledge and process it first, and then make decisions later is right on the money.

    In acknowledging my own tendencies (a Kinsey 1-2, perhaps), I’ve discovered a degree of freedom – sexually and otherwise. I think you probably know what I mean. But it takes time to see it as anything other than a burden.

    Will this still be an issue 100 years from now? Thanks for doing your part to shed light (and for letting me ramble)…

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    • kdaddy23

      16 May 2015 at 11:48

      Hi, Cityman! I think any truth that shatters our perceptions is an inconvenient truth. I also think that a lot of bisexuals are “prone” to acting first, then thinking about what they just did and that can leave them just as badly conflicted and more so if they liked what they did. Now you wind up with more questions that have to be answered! I recall talking to this one guy for a couple of weeks because he didn’t think before acting; we got together, spent some time sucking each other off, and it was all good… but he called me the next day and asked, “Why did I like what we did yesterday?” and I found out that he “had no idea” why he wanted to suck cock other than having an urge to just do it. He did it, he liked it, and it was fucking with his head because, all after the fact, the “inherent” conflicts came home to roost.

      Fortunately, I was able to help him resolve a lot of his conflicts… but it reminded me that it’s better to think about this before you do something about it. Now, will this be an issue 100 years from now? Maybe not as much of one as it is today… but as long as there’s someone who either doesn’t believe in homosexuality or insists that bisexuality isn’t real, the issues we have with sexuality will continue unabated.Hell, there are still people today who believe in what was written in the bible over 2,000 years ago – that homosexuals should be put to death – so that’s not a good sign for the future…

      You can come and ramble (see what I did there?) whenever it pleases you to do so; I welcome everyone’s views on this!

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  2. cityman

    17 May 2015 at 02:08

    Well thank you sir, and I appreciate the thoughtful reply! Agree with everything you said, particularly as it pertains to your friend.

    I can sort of relate to the “why did I like what we did yesterday?”, but fortunately did some soul searching before finally taking the plunge with a bi married black acquaintance of mine. Despite our age difference, we had a comfortable friendship and I really respected his having experienced it all before me. I suppose he was my “bi guru” of sorts. 😉 A somewhat neurotic but highly erotic adventure, but I won’t of course sully your blog with the details!. LOL.

    But I also kind of feel that if you’re on the precipice of even trying it, that somewhere inside you must be curious enough to have reflected on it before diving in headlong (pun intended). You know what I mean? So I find it a tinge disingenuous to have the monday morning existential crisis about it all — but then again, denial is a heck of a thing! 🙂

    This is a tough subject and you do a great job with it here – hence my repeat visits! Thanks again…

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    • kdaddy23

      17 May 2015 at 12:50

      Aw, Cityman, you can ramble, sully, whatever; when we can share information about this, more people can come (did it again, see?) to understand this better. So, yeah – I know too many guys who became conflicted after the fact; in theory, you think about it before you do it and you give it lots of thought… doesn’t always work like that. If you’re lucky, you take the plunge with someone with experience and they’re willing to check your logic before you begin and then ask a simple question afterward: “Are you okay?” Still, come the next day, you can still wonder what the fuck you did yesterday and why you liked it – I still do it at times – but it’s a rhetorical question and not one that demands a definitive answer.

      Is it unusual for a guy to have that existential crisis after the fact? I don’t think it is because of the difference between theory and practical application; not only are they not the same things but they don’t always match up. So “Dean” thinks about doing something with “Doug,” works it all out in his head as best he can, and goes for it… then finds his actual experience different… or very different than the one he had in his head – could have been better, might have been worse. And now, on Monday morning, “Dean” is horribly conflicted and doing his best to resolve things and not say, “It was a good idea at the time…”

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  3. cityman

    18 May 2015 at 03:38

    Thanks again, my friend. I now feel fully welcome to come, ramble, and sully (I see what you did there – LOL). Truth be told, it is indeed a little traumatic at first, even if you *think* you’re ready. Looking back, I was definitely a little shaky out of the gate.

    There you are, about to do something that at one point in your life you never thought you’d be caught dead doing. And yet, under the nerves and conflicting voices in your head, lust and desire take over. Tension builds, and suddenly briefs are coming off and that same delicious anticipation that we’ve felt in bed with women propels you forward into a kinky experience between two otherwise very masculine and unsuspecting men. [There, I sullied a bit without going overboard] 🙂

    That day raised as many questions as it answered, but it wasn’t overwhelming, thankfully. I needed to see/touch/experience a regular guy like me who very much liked pussy (an understatement), but also craved cock from time to time. I needed to understand how he was able to walk this tightrope in his life – with his wife’s permission, no less.

    An enjoyable, therapeutic discussion, kdaddy – much obliged. Should your travels ever take you to the left coast to that liberal utopia by the bay, let this be a standing invite to a coffee chat on all of this crazy stuff. 🙂

    P.S. Thought you might find this article interesting. A bit long and nerdy, but thought provoking:
    http://www.laphamsquarterly.org/animals/our-orgiastic-future?page=all

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    • kdaddy23

      18 May 2015 at 08:58

      Yeah, that first time is usually a doozy; millions of questions, very few answers. Unsuspecting? Interesting word choice – there must be a story there! But, you see, this is why we need more information from bi guys about walking that tightrope because there are too many of us who need to know how to resolve any conflicts with their sexuality. So, ramble, young man, ramble! I, too, enjoyed the discussion – bi guys are just not always fond of talking about these things and it makes us invisible to each other and lends itself to the ongoing myth that we don’t exist. Yeah, sure we don’t…

      If my travels once again take me to the bay, I’ll do my best to let you know I’m coming (see, did it again!). Ah, the bonobo… I read about them in “Sex at Dawn” – the authors spent a great deal of time comparing bonobo society to our own behaviors and I remember thinking, “Wow, them’s some kinky-ass chimps…” But we can see where our sexual behaviors as humans aren’t all that unique and given our proclivity for sex, you can see why there was a great rush to curb our behaviors and appetites so, if nothing else, we could place ourselves “above” our primate relatives and putting in place the long-standing denial of the fact that, yeah, we ain’t the only species who loves sex and not all that picky about who we’re having it with.

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  4. cityman

    19 May 2015 at 02:44

    Poor word choice on my part with the “unsuspecting”. I meant that nobody would have suspected it from external appearances, although there was the time when we met when neither of us really suspected it of the other. I suppose that’s what made it so…interesting and exciting.

    It was hard enough for him to work up the courage to invite me into a threesome situation with his lady (never quite materialized). But it wasn’t until a later meeting, when my intuition and suspicion started to really mess with me — and after a couple of drinks — that he sheepishly revealed his proclivities. My own awkward admission came a bit later. So, out came the secrets…and the attraction.

    The night was a clammy-handed, white knuckling adrenaline rush. The moment of truth had us at his empty place, disrobed down to our “wifebeaters” and briefs, sitting next to each other, bulges growing visibly. All the rules were about to be broken at once in this – a forbidden, erotic, interracial male romp. Leg rubbing eventually led to complete nakedness. Impressed with one another’s physiques, he took the first plunge, and it was on…

    But enough about that — isn’t this a PG-rated blog? Forgive me.

    But sincerely, you’re shedding light on a critically important subject – and hopefully I’ve done more than add a bit of erotica to the mix. Let me know when KDaddy talk show hits the road…coming soon! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • kdaddy23

      19 May 2015 at 02:59

      PG-rated? Oh, hell, no it ain’t! I encourage everyone who comments to keep it real and speak what’s on their mind – no pussy-footing around because this subject needs plain talk.

      If you’ve been reading my stuff, um, you should know it ain’t PG! But I do appreciate what you did say just the same. My lady has never been to California – I’ve been there many times and was stationed there when I was in the Air Force – I’ve got a great story about a trip to San Francisco one weekend. I want to take her to Fishermans Wharf – the girl just LOVES seafood!

      So… was it everything you could have expected?

      Like

       
      • cityman

        19 May 2015 at 13:32

        Despite my nerves, it was a very fun and very erotic experience. What struck me most was that it came with (did it again) that same feeling of sexual electricity in the air that I’d had with women. I also walked away with a new, real appreciation for the male body (didn’t hurt that he had a great one with some nice parts, shall we say).

        Now, there are obviously fundamental differences between sex with women and men (beyond the plumbing). But the big message I’d want to convey to others is that it wasn’t weird or gross or awkward. It was hot! And it was the first of a series of meetings between us — so I obviously went back for seconds and thirds!

        LOL – I know this damn blog ain’t PG-rated, I was just pulling your leg. 😉 But I wanted to respect your public space here, too. Of course, if you want the full, nasty, no holds barred version of the story, I can send it to you over email.

        OK, sounds like you’ve spent some time here and have a story — do tell! (if you want). Yes, SF is fantastic for seafood, and a total foodie haven in general — she’d love it for sure. And as you know, it’s a veritable candy store of sexual liberation…

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        19 May 2015 at 13:55

        Oh, yeah, please send it!

        Like

         

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