Yeah, I know… learning that you’re bisexual and even thinking that you might be can leave you pretty conflicted and, I think, mostly because we’re all taught that we have to be straight. When you toss in the growing acceptance of homosexuality, yeah, when you’re “stuck in the middle,” it can leave you wondering just what in the hell is going on with you.
You’re a guy and women just do something to and for you… but you feel something when you see men, too, leaving you with a “What the fuck?” kind of feeling because, of course, you’re not supposed to look at other men and be attracted to them in any way other than friendship. You see some dude – maybe you know him, maybe you don’t – and you get the same rush of horny feelings that looking at a woman can produce which, by the way, can shatter all of your perceptions about attraction. If it doesn’t do anything else, it’ll get you thinking and the conflict between what you’ve been taught and what you’re actually experiencing begins… and I’ve seen it overwhelm guys because they’re unable to sort things out for themselves. I’ve seen guys ignore it, well, right up to the point where they’re talking to some guy and realize that while their mind isn’t actively responding to the dude, their body is and one of those little voices we all carry around in our head says, “He’s hot – I wonder what he’d be like in bed?”
One of the biggest problems for any bisexual is resolving this internal conflict and trying to make sense of why they’re feeling these things when they’re not supposed to feel them like this. Resolution of this conflict can be difficult; I know some folks who even after years of pondering this still haven’t figured it out and the conflict can make such an impact on someone that their mind, in an effort to maintain the status quo, can convince them that they’re not feeling what they’re feeling… even when they’re feeling it.
The denial is interesting when you get down to the root of it all. One part of you says that you couldn’t possibly be bisexual while another part of you is saying, “Oh, yes, you are – you just don’t want to admit that looking at Josh makes your dick hard!” It can’t be true… because you were told or otherwise taught that it can’t be true… but if you’re feeling it, um, doesn’t that mean that what you were taught isn’t exactly the truth? You begin to understand a few things, like, what you were taught is all about how you’re supposed to behave, those things which are socially and morally acceptable, things that make you behave “normally” or “just like everyone else.” But, apparently, that’s not accurate because the way you’re feeling ain’t making you feel “normal” and somewhat apart from “everyone else” and now the question is, “What the fuck am I supposed to do about this?”
When I’ve been asked questions along this line, I will tell them something that just might make the conflict worse: “Just accept that this is how you feel.” Yeah, that’s not really all that easy to do since you’ve been conditioned to believe that you’re not supposed to feel this way about other men… but it doesn’t change the fact that you are feeling something for Josh other than friendship. Ya might not be in love with him or even infatuated in some way… but if you could get at his naked body, yeah, that might be interesting! Now, how one goes about accepting that, yep, you actually can feel something for men and women, depends on the individual; as far as I know, there’s no tried-and-true method to this – one has to decide for themselves that what they’re feeling and/or thinking is the truth of themselves and not the “truth” you were told to believe about such things.
Some never resolve the conflict because it requires a great deal of thought and that’s just too much like work; the more you think about it, the more questions that come up and if that wasn’t bad enough, not being able to come up with any answers just makes the resolution of this conflict that much more difficult and, as I said, to the point where your brain just gets overloaded and makes you say, “Oh, fuck this!” and stop thinking about it. Which is kinda a good thing; if you’re not thinking about it, it can’t fuck with you… until, say, you’re out playing some basketball with Josh and he has his shirt off, is all sweaty and musky, and you’re looking at his muscles ripple and flow as he moves… and your dick is harder than the rim attached to the backboard.
The conflict can be so bad that you can find yourself wishing that these forbidden feelings would just go away and bother someone else; they’re bothersome and distracting and you just don’t need this shit fucking with you because you have more important things to think about… but the thoughts and feelings just will not go away. I told a guy once, “It’s gonna keep fucking with you until you accept that you really do feel this way.” I’ve heard guys categorically deny that they wouldn’t, couldn’t, and shouldn’t want to have sex with another man, that it’s just flat-out wrong to feel love or affection for another guy because ain’t that what women are for? But, as I’d point out to them, that doesn’t change the fact that this is what’s going on in your head, does it? Maybe consciously you wouldn’t want to, say, suck Josh’s dick… but you’re thinking about what it would be like and you’re finding it horribly stimulating and exciting, aren’t you?
I’ve hit them with this and, yep, their first reaction is to deny it… then start waffling all over the place, saying things like, “Just because I might be thinking about it – and I ain’t saying that I am – doesn’t mean I really wanna do it… or I’m gonna do it!” And I’ve looked at them and have said, “Yeah, right… I believe you…” and in a tone that should tell them that, nah, I ain’t buying it – and neither are you. Still, the conflict will make you behave like this until you accept the “simple” fact that while you’d bone Josh’s sister in a heartbeat, uh, you feel that boning Josh wouldn’t be all that bad of a thing. You don’t have to rush out and do something about what you’re thinking… you just have to accept that you are thinking about it and despite what you’ve been told, that you’re thinking about Josh like this is, in fact, normal.
It’s not all that socially or morally acceptable… but it still doesn’t change the fact that you wouldn’t mind getting with Josh if he’d go along with it – and maybe you’ve even worked out how to find out if he’d be down with it. It’s how you feel and while it would be nice to figure out exactly why you feel this way, eh, that’ll probably be more difficult than resolving this conflict… but resolution begins with acceptance of what is now the obvious fact that, yeah, you’re not supposed to want to get into Josh’s pants… but you really wouldn’t mind doing just that. It’s how you feel and while there are many other things to be concerned about, it “simply” begins with accepting this. You could keep telling yourself that there’s no way running your hands all over Josh’s body is an exciting thought… but you also can’t deny that the thought is there… and it’s pretty strong.
Then it becomes a question of just how long you can keep lying to yourself – and, sure enough, some guys can keep the lie going for as long as necessary… but does it really make sense to do this? Sure… you might not want “everyone” knowing that Josh is in your head like that… but resolution of the internal conflict begins with accepting that, um, he is and it turns you on to think about it. What you do about it is something else – maybe you can do something about it, maybe you can’t but even wanting to do something about it begins with accepting that, yeah, you’re at the very least thinking about it.
All of this is very hard to accept and, yeah, I know – I make it sound easy but, of course, since I’ve been there and gotten through it, I know for a fact that resolving this conflict ain’t easy at all. The best I can do is tell you how I resolved it – I just accepted that this is how I felt and then, because I’m the way I am, went about the daunting task of figuring it all out for myself, like why I feel one way about women and another way about men. It takes time and lots of mental processing time… but it can be done and how easy or hard this will be for you depends on how willing you are to accept a truth that’s not supposed to be true.