Cityman brought up a good point in his comments to “TBT: Conflicted” when he mentioned that “Monday morning existential crisis” that can conflict some guys after they’ve gone on and done the deed and are asking themselves questions like, “What the fuck did I do yesterday?”
In theory, before you take the plunge, you’ve sat down and thought long and hard about doing something about those feeling you have for the same sex. If you’re old enough, you probably already have a good idea of what two guys (or even two gals) can do together, might have the inkling of an idea of what you’d like to try, find stimulating, stuff like that and then, after getting this all straight in your head, give a lot of thought about the possible consequences of your actions – and then give yourself a green light to go do the do.
And hopefully, it all works out and goes off without a hitch. If you’re even luckier – or have chosen well – you’re with a guy who’s very experienced in these things, not just physically but someone who knows how easy it is for a guy taking the plunge for the first time to freak out; this experienced guy would have the presence of mind to check your logic at the door and then, when it’s all said and done, ask you a simple question: “Are you okay?” If you are, good… but if you’re not, the guy’s willing to listen to why you’re not and help set things straight for you. But it doesn’t always work like this.
I’ve seen guys make what I’d call a snap decision to take the plunge… and then have found themselves wondering what the fuck happened and what in the name of all that’s holy made them want to do it and/or what made them think they were going to like it and/or why they did like it. I’ve wound up talking to them, most of the time right after that moment of clarity hits them after they cum, sometimes the next day, and a few times up to a week later. The conflicts within them are complex but understandable; they thought one thing, something other than what they thought took place – or maybe exactly what they thought took place… but their reaction, well, that’s something else and now, all after the fact, they’ve found themselves asking questions that, again in theory, they should have asked themselves before they did what they did.
I don’t find that it’s all that unusual that a guy will dive right in and then seriously question it all after the fact; when I’ve talked to these guys and I’ve asked them what were they thinking about before we did it, their answers are often along the lines of, “It sounded like a good idea at the time…” It’s not that they had a bad experience but a lot of guys are actually blown out of the water because they realize – all late and wrong – that they liked doing something that they knew they (a) weren’t supposed to do and (b) wasn’t supposed to like. I’ve seen them angry with themselves (a) because they did like it and (b) they know they broke a bunch of rules; likewise, I’ve seen them on the edge of depression or panicky as they’re now questioning themselves and their actions.
And if they had a bad experience with someone else, yep, that just makes that existential crisis even worse. Like Cityman also said (and I’m paraphrasing here), before you dive in, you did the ‘required’ thinking before the fact; at the least, you’ve already figured out that you want to do this, why you want to do it, stuff like that so that when you finally do it, there should be no crisis after the fact. And I tend to agree… up to a point… because I’ve run across guys who have thought this out in great detail before the fact… and have still found themselves having that conflicting after-the-fact crisis.
It’s why I go on and on about theory being one thing and practical application something else. You can have the best plan possible and still wind up questioning yourself after the fact and, yep, being more conflicted than you were before you dipped your toes into the deep end. I’ve learned that our old friend Guilt is usually responsible for any crisis that comes up after the fact and I’ve wondered if guys suffering through this ever gave any thought to whether or not they were going to feel guilty somewhere along the line… and if they did, um, how to you plan to deal with Guilt? Do you just say, “I’m not gonna feel guilty about doing this!” and then factually never feel guilty? Maybe some guys do… but I’ve come across too many guys who’ve had Guilt gleefully monster-mashing all over them and making them believe that they did, in fact, make a very wrong decision and that they shouldn’t have been thinking about doing it with a guy in the first place – and no matter how good of a thing it sounded like when it first crossed their minds.
All of this is why I point out that bisexuality isn’t just about the physical and because there are emotional impacts all along the way, from realizing that you have a same-sex attraction right up to after you’ve taken the plunge. You can be as sure as you can be that you feel the way you do; you can be sure that you do, in fact, want to take the plunge… and you can still wind up asking, “We did what?” and, I think, because even though we’re “sure” we can predict our future behavior with a high degree of accuracy, um, we maybe can’t do that where our feelings are concerned and because some of us can’t, you’ve got a crisis of some kind heaped onto you that’s now making you very conflicted if, by chance, you didn’t feel that way before the fact.
When you feel or otherwise realize that you may be bisexual, you not only have to deal with those feelings but, in my opinion, have to do some rearranging of your thoughts on sex. Is it different from doing it with a woman? Um, it is… but not really because if you can do it with a woman, you can do it with a man – minus the coochie part, of course. Foreplay, oral sex, and intercourse don’t really change a whole lot when you serious stop to think about it. It is subliminally different – women give off a very different vibe than men do and if you didn’t know that, now you do. Is it important to first think about minutia of this nature? I think it is if you don’t want to give yourself a shitload of problems during or after the fact. It’s not easy to get your intellect to overrule your emotions when you find yourself questioning why you did it, why you liked it, stuff like that; the emotional head butt can be quite a shock if you don’t prepare yourself to be shocked or understand that regardless to what you might think, you can still be shocked into asking, “We did what?” or otherwise questioning your actions.
While I’m mainly talking about the fellas here, the same thing can be applicable to women as well, although I will admit that women deal with this differently… but maybe not so much differently because Guilt – the bastard – doesn’t care whether you’re a man or a woman when it brings the chaos to the mix. Ideally, you want to do things in a way that’ll mitigate the existential crisis and, yeah, by acknowledging that it’s possible that you could have one – then start putting together a plan to deal with it if it should really happen… and, oh, yeah, that crisis could take other shapes, like a crisis of faith and wondering/worrying about whether or not you’re really going to go to hell for having sex with someone who’s the same sex as you are.
Thanks to Cityman for the inspiration for this writing – dude, you keep right on rambling when you comment, okay?