Before I went to bed, I had some lingering thoughts about the visibility of bisexual men and, no, I’m not going on a rant this time. We fly under the radar and purposely so given how our society tends to react to anyone engaging in homosexual sex and I found myself laughing to think about the analogy of being a kid again and doing something that I knew I shouldn’t be doing and then going to great lengths to make sure my activities weren’t discovered or I got caught in the act – and, no, I’m not specifically talking about my sexual activities – but we all have sneaked around to do something because we know if we got busted, well, that just wasn’t any fun.
But while the discussion about the visibility of bisexual men continues to run unabated, beneath the surface, there are who knows how many men out there right now taking advantage of opportunity when it knocks – this is a no-brainer and a safe thing to assume. I found myself thinking about why they’re answering the door and along the lines of motive, means, and opportunity or MMO – this is a “formula” I learned while Linda was doing her bachelor’s studies in criminal justice and the way it works is that you need all three things for something to happen and if any one of the components are missing then, in theory, it doesn’t work.
So I was thinking about Motive – why are bi guys bi? My brain replied, “Well, you know that some guys like guys like that; they have that emotional affinity for men that is similar to the one they have for women. But you also know that there are guys who don’t have the emotional affinity unless, of course, you wanna count lust as an emotional affinity all by itself. You also know that men don’t handle celibacy very well and our need to do the nasty with someone can push some of us to check out other guys for sex; maybe they have zero luck with the ladies, they’re with a woman who either won’t fuck them or do certain things – which is a damned shame but it is what it has always been; sometimes they’re this way because they’ve done all they can with women and are asking is there’s something else they can do to bust that nut; and you know some guys just wind up in the right place at the right time – shit just happens.”
Unlike what’s being said about bisexual women, I don’t think there are many guys who’d say they were bisexual because it’s some trendy social fad or something; yeah, women can “get away” with that (pisses some lesbians off to no end) but we also know that a bisexual woman is seen as being okay. So when we have Motive – and, believe me, it doesn’t really take a whole lot to come up with a motive/reason to get with some dick – then we can work on Means and Opportunity; when opportunity does knock, we’re not getting with some willing guy to impress anyone – we want to immerse ourselves in some sexual pleasure, either as “extra” sex or even as a replacement for sex not being had with a woman. Even if our behavior in this isn’t about some emotional need, we have that ingrained need to have sex and while there are some directives in place about where we’re supposed to be sowing our seeds, opportunity says that you plant your seed whenever and wherever you can and if it’s in another guy’s ass, well, at that deeply primal level (the ‘lizard’ part of our brains) it works and we’ll sort out the ethical and moral complications later.
Motive is easy to figure out if you know anything about men. Yet when we’re questioned about why we’ve chosen to have sex like this, I dunno, maybe some folks think there’s some deeper motive somewhere in us because we can’t answer, “I just like having sex like that, too!” and the questioner be satisfied with the answer when that’s actually the most simplest answer to motive. Whether it’s the emotional affinity that drives us or just pure lust, we just aren’t all that particular about the gender of the person we’re having oral sex or actual intercourse with – it still satisfies that built-in drive we have.
Bisexual men exist in the undercurrent of society and, these days, you really don’t have to search too hard or long to find us, thanks to the Internet; there are many “dating” sites one can join. The one thing I thought about regarding visibility and being out is that when you’re looking for dick, eh, being socially out doesn’t actually help the situation; it’s not like you can just stroll up to a guy at the bar and say to him, “Hey, how ’bout we jet outta here, get a room, and get to know each other better!” And since that could prove to be very embarrassing or unhealthy, it’s as if we have no choice than to exist in the undercurrent, otherwise known as the down low (DL), that place where men who like having sex with men can, indeed, find each other. Even in this place, there aren’t that many guys who are officially out but because they’re here on the DL, well, they’re not exactly invisible… but it can still make satisfying Means and Opportunity difficult because as men have different tastes and preferences for women, so do they have different tastes and preferences when it comes to men.
You can see the prejudice against bisexual men on the DL by gay men; hell, you can see some prejudice against bi men in play by other bi men, like, if you’re not willing to do it all and the way he wants it done, then your manhood is very questionable. Satisfying Means calls for sorting through a lot of shit – read this as the preferences of other men and as compared to your own preferences. Some guys will only have sex with men of their own ethnicity or race; there’s age discrimination as well as penis size discrimination (if you don’t have a big fat dick, don’t bother to ask for sex) and the nitpicking can be taken down to something as trivial as whether or not the other guy’s dick is circumcised or not, right along with requirements for a particular body type – HWP, or height and weight proportionate: If you’re fat, just move on, okay? I’ve even seen discrimination at the gender identity level: If you in any way behave feminine, you’re automatically disqualified – just as gays tend to discriminate against us, we discriminate against some of them right back.
Even when you’re able to satisfy Motive and Means, now you need Opportunity to close the circuit… and this is where you can see where a guy not being out can throw the proverbial monkey wrench into things. I’ve found that a lot of guys want you to host them because they’re unable to do their dirt at home; you don’t see very many guys these days who have a preference to meet somewhere “neutral” and then move on to a motel or some other place. I’ve seen guys be overly insistent about you having to have your own place so you can accommodate them; likewise, I’ve seen guys who may as well be prostitutes because of the way they insist that you gotta be financially stable, have a job and a car and, yeah, even willing to pay for the “privilege” of getting at their dick.
Can you imagine what society would be like if this behavior became visible? Even today, the thought of going to a bar or a club that’s a known hangout for homosexuals is enough to make some folks throw up – and let’s not forget that in some of these establishments, bisexuals aren’t “allowed” to set foot in the door. I’m not saying that male bisexuality is best kept under wraps; socially, there are many male bisexuals who need that sense of community and belonging even if it’s to confirm that they’re really not alone in this. Still, because MMO can be difficult to satisfy, there aren’t that many bi guys doing anything so if they aren’t, then no – you’re not gonna “see” them at all. It doesn’t make them any less bisexual – it just means they can’t take action on their feelings.
Why bring this up? It’s because I believe that if you know how and why something works the way it does, it’s easier to understand it; it doesn’t necessarily mean that acceptance will happen as a matter of course; for some reason, society seems to think that bisexual men are stranger than homosexual men are but, yeah, at the most basic of levels, understanding the mechanism of male bisexuality is a good thing. Sexually, we’re opportunistic; we are hunters but instead of food, we hunt for sex wherever we can find it; it’s what gives us the bad rep for being dogs and that we’ll fuck anything that’ll let us do it and, no, this rep isn’t owned by bisexual men – we are all hunters of sex but, yeah, for bisexual men, everyone is fair game.
What’s the best way to satisfy MMO? There’s two ways other than living in a target-rich environment: Find yourself a “steady” guy to have sex with or take the bigger leap and be in a relationship with a guy. The former is a good situation to be in; it’s no stings attached sex (NSA) except for the one where the two of them are getting their rocks off with each other; the latter, well, socially, that can be problematic because people just assume that if you’re a bi guy and in a relationship with another guy, well, you both must be gay and no matter what you’d say to contradict this assumption, people will believe the perception over the truth in the majority of times. So even if we were to go the relationship route, we find that it’s still better to fly under the radar because, really, what bisexual guy likes being misidentified as being gay – and then who needs that aggravation? It’s better to be hooked up like that and go unnoticed socially or, at best, only a few select people are privy to the truth of the relationship.
Bisexual men are “never” going to gain social acceptance as long as society keeps insisting that we don’t exist and, I think, even with such social acceptance, MMO will continue to be difficult for some bi guys to satisfy; they might be able to gain that sense of unity with other bisexual men that is, indeed, needed for some guys… but it probably ain’t gonna help in the one area that we need most: Getting dick. We’re still gonna need MMO to make it happen… but for a lot of us, we’re stuck with just Motive and Means – along with Opportunity – will remain out of reach – and that’ll make us even more invisible than we are at this point in time. Until a very troubling double standard can be removed – it’s okay for women to want to eat pussy but not okay for men to want to suck dick – then it’s almost as if we have little or no choice to remain invisible – but while trying to satisfy MMO for ourselves in this… and I’m not sure what can be done or said that will change this aspect of male bisexuality. Having a community of bisexuals and for bisexuals can be a good thing but this probably won’t help much in removing the stigma attached to being a man and bisexual, not when it’s said that we’re either freaks or nonexistent to begin with.
Sheesh… what a mess. It really does make me pine for the good old days when I never had to work hard to get the dick I wanted and needed…