After writing, “TBT: A Moment of Hesitancy,” I got to thinking about some of the other times when I’d be getting busy with a guy and that “I don’t think we should be doing this” thing came up and, of course, it wasn’t that it did – it became an issue of why such words would be uttered. Here’s my take on it…
You already know, if you’ve been following along with me for a while, that growing up, we were seriously admonished to never get the idea in our heads to have sex with another guy which as any parent will know is just like telling a kid to go ahead and do it anyway. Whether they do or not isn’t really the point; the point is that we had this hammered into our heads almost at every turn until it became a part of us that we just didn’t pay much attention to, no more than one would think about breathing.
What one might not think about is how those admonishments could show up or that they’d show up at all. Sometimes, that feeling that one shouldn’t be doing this pops up before anything actually happened and when I first started examining this, I thought it was really weird because a guy would want to do it and would be dead serious about it… then the conditioning would kick in and force them to change their mind. As I related yesterday, sometimes it would happen while the sex was in progress and there were a few times when the sex would be all nice and done and the other guy would say, “We shouldn’t have done that…”
There were times when my own conditioning would kick in and, no, it never did it in a way or time that I’d call consistent. There was nothing like happily sucking on a guy’s dick one moment and the next hearing that voice in my head saying, “You know you shouldn’t be doing this – so stop it right now!” Um, I never did stop and I don’t remember if I ever uttered the words at any point, not even when it would pop up in my adult years… and I really found this to be damned curious in the rare times it did.
It’s an internal conflict; your lust (or other feelings) get into a tussle with the social conditioning that men just are not supposed to have sex with other men and now it’s about trying to resolve the conflict and, yeah, some guys just never seem to be able to do that. I know that whenever the conflict came to visit me, initially, I’d ignore it but with the sure knowledge that I’d have to address it after the fact and then no matter how bad it was making me feel when it hit and, yes, I can tell you that it’s a damned ugly feeling and one that I’ve seen make guys throw up violently.
And I wanted to know why. At first, I really believed that God was sending this feeling, that maybe we were really not supposed to do this… but then I wondered why “God” didn’t always tell us this before anything happened; why would this happen right in the middle of something or why would someone feel like this after it was all over with? It didn’t make sense. I was making sense out of how a guy doing it for the first time could feel this… but what made a guy who had done it many times before feel the same thing? The answer came one day when me and another guy were doing the dirt and having loads of fun doing it when, right in the middle of me sucking his dick and knowing he was about to cum, he said, “My daddy said I shouldn’t ever let another guy do this so I think we need to stop…”
There was the answer! His father had told him the same thing I’d heard, not only from my own parents, but eavesdropping on some adult conversations here and there and I made an intuitive leap of logic that if we’d been told this, then maybe all guys were told this, too… and more than once! Then, to give me more incentive to investigate this, a teacher told us about Pavlov’s Dog and a simplified example of classical conditioning and, yeah, the teacher even said that we go through this whenever a parent keeps telling us the same thing over and over so that we’ll do something – or not do something – and without having to think about it.
Well, damn… The only thing I couldn’t explain was why it would kick in before, during, or even after the fact – but then I was really just then getting my head around how powerful the need to have sex was – lust – and how wanting to have sex could easily make you forget all of the warnings about not doing it so, yeah, maybe it wasn’t really all that unusual that this “I don’t think we should be doing this” thing would pop up whenever it did because we all knew – were conditioned – that we shouldn’t do it and if we did it was wrong and we should feel bad about it. A guy would feel this and ask why he was feeling that way and I could tell him simply, “Because we’re told never to do it and that it’s bad!” Yeah, it created more questions, like, how can something that feels so good be such a bad thing to do? It wouldn’t be for a great many more years before I found the answer to that question – it’s bad for men to have sex with men because it doesn’t make babies.
I have to point out that this moment of hesitancy wasn’t the same as, say, having sex with a guy and not liking what was going on – that was more of a “I don’t want to do this with you anymore so you’d better stop before I punch you in the face….” kind of thing. The whole guy-sex thing is considered to be so bad and wrong that you really never forget what said about this… but if you’re serious and determined to have this kind of sex, you learn to ignore it whenever it pops up… but I don’t think you ever stop being aware that you’re not supposed to get off having sex with men – even today this awareness is sitting right at the edge of my perception; I know it’s there and that it’s never going anywhere but, nah, I’m not gonna let it fuck with me because I’ve long since learned that eating a guy’s dick or wanting to be fucked or any of what can take place between two men is a natural behavior and the admonishments against this are social – man-made – even though I do understand why the admonishments exist.
I just found it so weird that this would happen and more so after the events I shared with y’all yesterday: He said the words but instead of stopping things, he also wanted to keep doing it and had me wishing that he’d make up his damned mind. Today, I know I saw first hand how the conflict can strike and then get totally overridden by the power of lust…