Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “You Can’t See Me”

07 Jun

And there are reasons why everyone I know – or everyone I might meet – doesn’t know that I’m bisexual.  It’s not really because I don’t want to offend their sensibilities and it’s not because my feelings might get hurt because they reacted badly to the announcement – a lot of it is because I really don’t want to hear the stereotypical, prejudicial bullshit that might come out of their mouths.  Now, the truth is not everyone who knows I’m bisexual has reacted badly… but this ain’t about those open-minded people (and I do thank them for being very much grown up about this).

Those folks who are demanding that all bisexuals become visible feel that we don’t have reasons for remaining invisible to society at large; you know that bisexuals exist (despite the insane thought that we don’t) so is there really a need to find out who’s bisexual and who isn’t?  I don’t think so but these same people who want us to out ourselves don’t seem to be giving a lot of thought that there are people who just do not like anyone who isn’t straight and some of those people feel that whatever god they believe in demands that anyone who isn’t straight should be punished for their sins in some way, up to and including death.  Oh, and some of those people are the same ones insisting that we all come out of our respective closets, just in case you didn’t know that.

Since we know that such, ah, morally righteous people exist and we’ve seen where homosexuals have been outed, ridiculed, bullied, beaten, enticed to commit suicide, and even murdered, um, tell me again why we all should come out en masse?  It seems to me that unless coming out is going to be accepted, well, you can’t see me and you won’t… unless I want you to.  The thing I’ve also noticed – and this is just a theory – is that this call for us to come out is, in a way,  playing on that  “need” we often display to let other people know that, hey, I’m bisexual and it’s not as bad as you think it is – it’s really all that and a bag of chips!”  I’ve also noticed that this “compulsion” to come out stays with us right up until we tell someone… and they rip our hearts out of our chests, stomps on it, sets it on fire, then scatters the ashes.  Sometimes I think that when we can successfully tell someone that we’re bi – and read this as they didn’t jump in our ass like a very bad habit – then we should be able to tell others with equal success – then get very badly disillusioned to learn the truth:  Even with those we love or otherwise care about, when they find out you’re bisexual, you will be forever seen as being a crime against nature because  you’re not straight like they are.

Since one of the most emotionally painful things we can experience is to be rejected by those we love or care about, please explain to me why we’d want to gleefully subject ourselves to such emotional devastation just to satisfy society’s need to be all up in everyone’s business like that?  Now, those who’d want us to do this say that we need to do this, that we need to fully disclose our sexuality because we have great potential to cause greater biological harm to others – and in the case against bi men, that would be STDs, HIV/AIDS, and other unpleasant shit… but that’s because it’s assume that every male bisexual on the planet is having sex with everyone who might be infected with some bad shit… which is patently ridiculous and not the entire truth of things.

Those who’d want us to do this say that, in the area of relationships, coming out to our partner just has to be done, so that the whole truth is revealed to them… like our partner’s gonna be capable of handling the truth to begin with.  We’re obviously not all of the same mind about this and we have some really funny ways about ourselves when it comes to relationships, like we’re never, ever supposed to feel anything for anyone else other than the person we’re with.  So, if you’re in a relationship with a woman, dude, you had better not have a single thought (a) about other women or, gasp, (b) some dude with a nice body and equally nice dick!  We’ve adopted that “I should be all that you’ll ever want and need” school of thought even though we know – personally or because someone else has experienced it – that this works nice in theory… but in the real world, nah, doesn’t always work.  In this, you can be tried, found guilty, and “summarily executed” for having unfaithful thoughts; our morality just isn’t about controlling what we do, it tries to control our thoughts and feelings, too.  Like I said in a comment to someone’s blog a little while ago, I don’t know anyone who has never had an “unfaithful” thought and, yeah, if you’re thinking about not being unfaithful, you’re also thinking about everything that being unfaithful implies.  Now, ya might not be thinking about doing anything about what you’re thinking but given that so many people believe that thinking is not only the same as doing, thinking implies intent to do – and that’s not the entire truth, either.

So if having such thoughts were really a crime, um, how many of us wouldn’t be in prison right now?  And if you think that this sound silly, you’d be right – and then maybe you can see how silly it is to condemn someone for thinking about shit in a relationship setting… but that’s what we do and it seems to me that once one’s bisexuality gets put on the table, is there any wonder why things will now go badly for you?  If you accept the possibility of this going terribly wrong – and it is very reasonable to do so – tell me again why I would want to let my “anti-homosexual” partner know that I’m not as straight as she thinks I am when I can be quite sure that if I do come out to her, she’s not going to be my partner for much longer and/or whatever happiness we had together is going to go by the wayside?

Those who’d want us to come out to everyone would condemn us for being liars for not telling the whole truth and, yeah, technically, they’re right… like they’ve never enacted a lie of omission about anything in their monosexual, monogamous lives?  But is there anyone out there who wouldn’t tell such a lie in order to hold onto the love of their lives?  It’s said that what you don’t know can’t hurt you… but these “come on out” folks are insisting that what you don’t know can hurt you which, by the way, is really more truthful than we’d like to believe because it’s always the thing you don’t see coming that’ll hurt you the most, like, oh, yeah, finding out that the guy you’ve been with for decades and who has loved and cared for you like no one else ever had also likes men in some way.  She finds this out and it’s not going to matter one bit that her guy hasn’t had sex (or even thought about this) with another man since they met and fell in love; she’s going to feel betrayed and now everything he’s ever done that might be “sketchy” is going to mean, to her, that whenever he’s been out of her sight, he’s been playing hide the sausage with some nasty, disease-ridden homosexual.

And if you think that sounds crazy, trust me – I’ve experienced this one personally too many times for it not to be a reality – and the risk one takes when coming out to someone and you find out that they can’t handle the truth.  And since there are no bisexuals that I’m aware of that are gluttons for punishment, yeah, there’s a reason why you can’t see me… and I might not want you to see me.  Our morality says that being anything but straight and monogamous is just wrong and has proven to be, at times, hazardous to one’s health in some way so, at least to me, insisting that all bisexuals become visible to a morality that hasn’t changed in thousands of years doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  One the one hand, you have the God-given right to be the person you need to be… as long as you’re straight and monogamous in your relationships but since we know this isn’t always true, um, it becomes clear that you do not have the right to be the person you need to be and, as such, you will be punished (in some way) for not being the person we – society – demand that you be.

Is there a bisexual reading this who’d want to offer themselves up to be “slaughtered” at the altar of heterosexuality?  Apparently not, which is why you can’t see me… and you can’t see the others who are like me… and you’re not gonna see us unless we want you to… and some of us don’t want that because, frankly, it’s not in our best interests or, yeah, your own best interest.  But, um, if everyone has the “right” to keep a secret – we maintain the right to not tell someone anything we don’t want them to know (think of the Fifth Amendment if that’ll help), then what’s the big deal here?  Everyone has something going on with themselves that they don’t want anyone to know – and if there’s someone out there who doesn’t have this going on with them, I haven’t met them although I’d concede the point that, logically, such a person does exist – the law of averages kinda insists that this might be true.

You can’t see me because, sometimes, allowing you to see me is actually more trouble than it’s worth; it’s not going to be in my best interest or yours for you to know something that, in truth, you can’t do a damned thing about other than not like it.  Besides, why would I want to tell you something that might make you think badly of me even though I know that being bisexual doesn’t mean I’m an overall bad person?  I mean, before I let you see me, we got along fine but now that you can, we’re no longer getting along because of your own ideology about sex and sexuality (and all that related shit) and, yeah, you might even say that I’ve been lying to you all along because, before now, I didn’t find reason to tell you something – that lie of omission thing again – and now I’m trying hard to understand why I’m a liar when, before now, I had a reason for not telling you about my sexuality… because it did cross my mind that you’d react in the way you’re acting now and since you just proved me right on this one, I just made a mistake and one that may never be corrected.

I’ve just lost a friend, a loved one; a parent, wife, girlfriend, and many others have now been alienated and all contact has now been terminated with extreme prejudice… and I just very much question why any bisexual – male or female – would want to subject themselves to a possible – and maybe even probable – lifetime of rejection. There’s a reason why you can’t see me:

Because I don’t want you to.  Because some of you just cannot handle the truth of what I am so, yeah, it’s better that you not know and, yes, it’ll probably bother me that I can’t let you see me – ha, what you don’t know is gonna hurt me!  Ain’t that about a bitch?


Posted by on 7 June 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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2 responses to “Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “You Can’t See Me”

  1. Paul Phillips

    7 June 2015 at 14:03

    Terrific post. Being the “sacrificial lamb at the altar of heterosexuality” is the perfect metaphor for this. There’s just such an overly apologetic begging for mercy involved in telling some people these secrets.

    And it’s all because of this ancient social software of morality and dated religious principles that we can’t seem to renegotiate. Humans operate on geologic time when it comes to social change. We’re like glaciers. And we’ve foresaken our natural biological/sexual desires (among other things) in the name of arbitrary man made rules about how to achieve everlasting life. Interpretations made by humans a couple thousand years ago despite millions of years of bisexuality that precede it. All I the name of confronting our fear of dying. I don’t have all the answers here, but I agree with you that people can and should be on a “need to know basis” when it comes to this arcane little mind control game. [end rant]


    • kdaddy23

      7 June 2015 at 14:13

      It’s not that we can’t change – we just think there’s no reason to despite that a change in how we look at some aspects of morality has to change. We say if it ain’t broke, don’t fuck with it. It morality, as we understand it, is broken if we cannot accept that not everyone is straight or even wants to be.

      They want us to all come out which, for many of us, is letting others put a loaded gun to our heads and they’re more than willing to pull the trigger…



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