The answers to the many questions about bisexuality aren’t going to be found by looking between your legs (or someone else’s); it’s not going to be found by making inquiries to a social structure whose nature is to not be so forthcoming about this aspect of human sexuality although there are many bisexuals out there who could provide some answers… if you could find them. You’re not going to find them by asking people who are not bisexual; they may be unbiased in their thoughts and opinions but since it’s a safe bet that they lack any experience with this, answers are going to be hard to come by.
The search for answers begins within yourself because you’re the only one who knows what’s going on inside your head about this, even if it’s a load of very conflicting information. I climb upon my soapbox and pronounce that bisexuality isn’t just about what you do – it’s very much about what you think and how you feel and, yes, why you’re thinking and/or feeling the way you are.
I couldn’t begin to calculate exactly how many hours I’ve spent sifting through my thoughts and feelings – and, yeah, my actions – when it comes to this aspect of myself; I’ve spent more time questioning myself than I have other bisexuals and I learned “the hard way” that if I can’t understand myself, how am I going to be able to see the bigger picture? And, yes, I’ve even asked if I really need to see the bigger picture and if, in fact, there is a bigger picture I’ve yet to see.
It begins with “I feel like this…” or “I’m thinking about this…” or, yeah, if you’ve managed to put the cart before the horse, “I’ve done this…” and now it’s about asking yourself why… then start searching for the answers. Maybe they’ll be easy to find – depends on how well you can analyze your own thoughts and what, if anything, you can learn from others… but it’s a lot of work and a project that, at least in my opinion, never really “ends” even when you find the answers and have become comfortable with yourself in this – and that’s because your thoughts and feelings are always changing from one moment to the next.
I know that most folks seeking answers will almost wind up being very conflicted because what they’re thinking/feeling is clashing with those things they believe in when it comes to things like love, sex, and even relationships; “Dave” looks at “Mike” and, damn, he feels attraction and maybe even sexual arousal, beginning the conflict because, well, if you’re a guy, you’re not supposed to be attracted to other guys, let alone find yourself aroused. I’ve learned that one way to minimize the impact of the conflict is not to think about the rules that say you’re not supposed to feel or think this way – focus on the “fact” that you do find Mike attractive and are having some interesting sexual thoughts about him – and then understand and accept that this does, in fact, happen even though the rules say that Dave should only be attracted to and aroused by “Sherry.” Don’t think about the fact that your family, friends, or other people you associate with are going to treat you like some kind of freaky sex fiend; think about “This is how I feel when I see Mike (or some other guy)…” and/or “This is what’s running around in my head when I’m hanging out with Mike…” and then teach yourself how to do this without any learned prejudices or biases getting in the way.
I will tell you that most people can’t do this because it’s too much information to process as well as effecting levels of change that, frankly, we’re never really prepared to deal with so when you put these two things together, your brain can literally get overloaded, which doesn’t feel good. I don’t know how many times I’ve been “working” on this and have given myself a headache or even becoming frustrated – and that’s been without me thinking about social impacts. I’m not only looking at and examining my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors – I’m also learning how to rearrange my worldview to fit the evidence; I wind up rethinking everything I’ve learned about love, sex, and relationships and accepting that, well, some of the things I’ve been told about this aren’t exactly accurate or true and, yeah, duh, it’s equally obvious that I’m not the only one who’s aware of these things.
When on my soapbox, you’ve seen me write, “If you want to know about bisexuality, ask a bisexual!” If I wanted to know what other people think about bisexuals and bisexuality, well, that information is easy to come by and, at best, it’s going to be generalized and driven by whatever biases they may have: I wouldn’t go to a gay man and ask him about being bisexual anymore than I’d call a plumber to do a top-end repair on my vehicle… unless he happens to be both a certified master plumber and a certified master mechanic. There comes a point where you’ve done all the self-examination you can do and you need more input from “external sources” – you’re kinda in a “comparative mode,” for lack of a better phrase, because you need to know how you “match up” to others who may be like you – and that’s fine if you can find another bisexual to compare notes with. Enter the LGBTQ(whatever) community! Can you find answers and comparative data here? Yep… but I hope you’re able to filter whatever you learn and you’re not thin-skinned because once you go social to gain more information, you’re going to be subjected to the personal prejudices and biases of the people you come in contact with and, yes, it’s been reported (a lot) that the LGBTQ(whatever) community might not be as friendly to you as their acronym suggests. Oh, and you will probably find out fairly quick that all bisexuals aren’t really the same – that’ll give you something else to think about.
If you’re not willing to do the work required to understand your bisexuality, I just don’t know what to tell you. It’s not easy to be so introspective or to be so brutally honest with yourself about yourself; it’s not easy to change your perspective – what you’ve been taught versus what’s really going on with you. The answers aren’t going to be found between your legs – they’re going to be found within the confines of your skull. It’ll depend on your ability to objectively analyze whatever you learn so you can see how the pieces fit together at the personal level and how they form the bigger picture. This’ll challenge you in so many ways – and that’s putting it mildly and, yep, you can wind up giving yourself a pretty good beat-down and since you can, “accepting” the challenge and making yourself equal to the task can be daunting; you never really figure out how complex people can be until you start digging around in your own mind.
Here’s the key: If you don’t know, then know somebody who does. I sometimes think that when it comes to figuring this out, we try to go solo and, well, ya might know how interesting that can get. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer to something but the smart thing is, again, knowing who does have the answer and, of course, finding that person in the first place. If there’s a huge hurdle to be overcome – and I’m not talking about the obvious social ones – it’s not being able to interact with someone who’s like you. Over all this time, I’ve learned that the thing that bothers me the most isn’t trying to figure out where I can find some dick – it’s not being able to talk to someone who’s like me so that I can “confirm” that, nope, I’m not the only guy experiencing these things, having these thoughts and feelings. Yep, coming out to someone you can trust does help – it just cannot hurt to have someone on your side! – but chances are that the person you’d come out to isn’t bisexual and while they’d be understanding and supportive, it’s not quite the same as interacting with someone who’d say, “I know exactly what you mean!” or “I know how you feel!” or “You know, I was thinking about that same thing just the other day…”
The search for the answers begins with you. Look inward before looking outward; the answers are out there and now it’s just a question of whether or not you’re willing to accept the challenge it presents and get those answers. It’s not all about doing, after all, and if you didn’t know that, now you do… and if you don’t know, ask somebody.