After writing “TBT: Taking it All to the Head,” I got to thinking about the bane of bisexual men: Finding someone to get busy with. Unless you live in a sparsely populated area (or even in the Bible Belt), it’s not as if finding a guy to have sex with is impossible but this can be one of those “If I had a dollar for…” moments, i.e., how many times I didn’t get some action because of differences of opinion or, really, a gross mismatch of preferences where we’d wind up agreeing to disagree on the terms and rules of engagement.
It’s one of those situations that, by comparison, makes having sex with women easier; they’re not likely to turn you down because there’s no agreement on what’s gonna happen… and then there’s that perception that all men who have sex with other men will do everything that can be done – but the truth, yet again, can be so very different. Thinking about my last blog, I thought about how many times I turned guys down for sex and all because they wouldn’t suck my dick or, back when I was so into anal sex, the guy was quite eager to poke me in the back door… but wasn’t willing to be poked in return.
One guy I wound up saying no to was willing to do whatever I wanted to do… as long as I didn’t make him cum in the process; I turned down another guy because I wasn’t all that keen about urinating on him; I’ve had negotiations breakdown and fail over where the sperm was going… or wasn’t going, like the time I turned a guy down because I wasn’t going to let him deliberately cum on my face. The worst “failure” was about the guy who was into BDSM and wanted to truss me up like a Christmas goose before having his way with me and when I told him no, he was surprised that I turned him down.
You gotta wonder why some guys would be flummoxed because the dude they’re propositioning doesn’t want to do what’s being proposed… and I’ve always thought that since a guy turning to the bi side is presumed to be down with anything, then it shouldn’t matter what’s on the table and the other guy is hyped to go with what got put down. Except, just like we have sexual preferences when it comes to women, duh, doesn’t it make sense that we’d have similar preferences when it came to men? And you can always tell the men who think like this because they will, invariably, ask you why you didn’t want to do whatever he put on the table.
Like the guy who 86’d me because I don’t like kissing men. He assumed – and said – that if I was into sex with guys, I should be – and had to be – down with kissing so what was my problem? My problem wasn’t that I’d never kissed a guy… I just learned after much trial and error experiences that I don’t like kissing guys; it just doesn’t turn me on like kissing women does. You’d think that if I explained this clearly (and I did), well, you’d think that other things could proceed without that bit of foreplay… but, alas, nothing happened because neither of us were willing to set aside our individual preferences.
And it happens a lot and over things that run the gamut from being nitpicking to something major… and this covers a great deal of ground, as it were because there’s sex… and then there’s the way we all think sex is supposed to happen when we’re involved in it. I know what’s possible because sex can be incredibly diverse and you’re only limited to your imagination… and I can imagine a lot of shit… but then again, there’s that list of things I just will not do and, yes, I do have one even though I try to make it easy for people to get into my underwear. Like everyone, I have my pet peeves, like guys who won’t suck dick; I understand why they won’t and I respect that… but I don’t have to like it… and I usually don’t… but, yeah, there are times when I don’t want to be sucked… but that doesn’t happen very often. And, if you’re wondering, yep, I have kissed guys even though I already know I’m not fond of it… and I’ve done it to see if anything’s changed; just because it wasn’t pleasurable with guys in the past doesn’t mean it will never be pleasurable and if I don’t do it, I won’t know.
I’m just not all that keen of testing the waters very often – there’s a reason why women say that some men are horrible kissers, right?
If you don’t factor in some flexibility in your preferences – for instance, you’ll do a thing with the right guy and/or in the right situation or even depending on your mood at that exact moment – then you wind up like a lot of men looking to do the nasty with other men and not have any give in what you want to do with the other guy. I’m not saying that sticking tightly to your wants and desires is a bad thing – you want what you want and in the way you want it – but everything can still be negotiated right up to the point where you hit the line you’re never going to cross… but I still think the biggest “mistake” men make in this is assuming that if “Ralph” wants to fuck “Earl” in the ass, “Earl” is just going to go along with it… and that he has to and, oops, because “Earl” ain’t trying to hear that, the deal gets broken. “Earl” might be willing to do anything other than that but because “Ralph” wanted to fuck, “Ralph” isn’t going to be interested in a substitution, i.e., he’ll pass on getting a full blowjob because he’s unwilling to be flexible.
Is there a way to minimize these connection failures? Not that I know of other than limiting your search for dick to those men who are more willing to negotiate. I’ve gotten with many men who wanted to fuck me but I wasn’t down with it but we still got each other off… which is really one of the main purposes for having sex in the first place, isn’t it? But since there are men who don’t think like this (and you shouldn’t assume that they would), it can make getting some dick harder than it has to be…