There probably isn’t a male bisexual (or female) who hasn’t struggled with being bisexual at some point. In the beginning, it can be so confusing in the many ways it can conflict with what we were taught and the current mindset of the society we live in. We first struggle with the realization that we’re bisexual; where the fuck did that come from? For those who discover bisexuality later in life, yeah, getting hit with this after you’ve been a practicing heterosexual all this time can be a serious jolt to one’s system. Comparatively speaking, however, accepting that you’re bisexual is easier than trying to figure out how this is going to impact your life.
Who do you tell about this? Can you even tell anyone? Then there are the sexual urges; maybe your body doesn’t “automatically” go off the deep end but your mind, devilish thing it can be, is putting all kinds of shit on the table for your consideration and, hopefully, as action items. Even when you’re single and free to do your thing, trying to incorporate this “extra” stuff can be daunting and in some situations downright depressing because it’s difficult to figure out what can be done about what you’re thinking and feeling… while doing your best to stay off the radar of those who aren’t particularly fond of people who aren’t heterosexual and that can include those people closest to you.
I’ve heard “struggling” bisexuals ask, “Why does this have to be so damned difficult?” The answer is, “It’s only going to be as difficult as you make it…” Now, this might sound like it belongs in the “easier said than done” category but just think about it and then think about the specific things that you think is making this a hard thing to deal with. I’ve found – and even through my own period of struggling with this – that we spend more time worrying and being overly concerned about what everyone else is going to think about us than we do trying to figure out how to make all this fit into what we’re already doing.
I’d never say that one shouldn’t be concerned about the opinions of others… but if you’re going to let their opinions dictate your life, well, don’t you think that’s a problem? The real-deal bottom line here is that even if you tell no one else and even if you don’t do a damned thing about being bisexual, um, you’re still bisexual; you have the thoughts and the feelings so now it’s a matter of incorporating those thoughts and feeling into the ones you’ve been dealing with all along. For some, this seems to be impossible but I very much beg to differ because, once upon a time, I thought it couldn’t be done… then I did it.
I’ve learned that if one is struggling with this and haven’t been able to bring it all together within themselves, it is very possible that they have some resistance to change and, well, sadly, you just have to change some shit about yourself in order to accomplish the goal of being one whole person instead of thinking you’re two different people. As long as you believe that you cannot “own the process,” you will continue to struggle with this; as long as you have any kind of fear of being wholly rejected because you’re bisexual, you will continue to struggle and the most simplest thing I could suggest is for you to stop being your own worst enemy; instead of making this more difficult – and the people around you aren’t really the ones responsible – one should strive to make it as easy on themselves as they can manage… even if it takes some time and mental effort: Work smarter, not harder.
Of course, I wouldn’t be telling you these things if I didn’t know what the struggle is like even though everyone’s situation isn’t the same… but the struggle itself is consistent. I know how I kicked the struggle to the curb… but what worked for me might not work for everyone when you get into the specifics; however, at a higher level of thought, yeah, not beating yourself up about it – or letting perceived resistance kick your ass – makes a whole lot of sense. It’s one of the reasons why y’all see me write ad nauseam that when you’re bisexual, you don’t have to do anything other than accept that you’re bisexual. You don’t have to come out to the whole world ASAP; if you can, fine but if you can’t, um, why do it? As my very wise mother taught me, you never give someone a stick to beat you with. Even when your hormones are screaming at you to switch to the other side and get some sexual action, you don’t have to do it if, on the whole, it’s not gonna be in your best interest, oh, like for you to go to the other side, you have to cheat on a partner.
We struggle because we just tend to believe that thinking and doing are the same things, that if we think about doing something, we have to do it or, one of my pet peeves, if you think it, well, that must mean you’re gonna do it. Getting through the struggle requires the application of one’s intelligence more than letting one’s emotions drive the bus (as I like to say as well). Think first… always think first… then act if you must or even if you can. If you can’t, don’t get your panties in a bunch about it because when it comes this in particular, not all of us can get laid literally whenever we want to (or can’t find anyone so we can get laid if you’re single) so not being able to slip over to the other side just goes along with everything else. Ya might not like not being able to act – I sure as hell don’t like it – but you don’t have to let it get you bent out of shape.
I read about how other bisexuals struggle with this and I understand it because, again, I’ve been there and have seen so many others go through this… but I’m the guy who’d ask, “Why does this happen? What things are involved here that makes self-acceptance such a hard thing to achieve?” I can narrow it down to three things:
- The moral conflict and feeling this way despite all that we’ve been taught about not being this way.
- The opinions of others which include the fear of loss, ridicule, and other such forms of rejection.
- The inability to do something about what your feelings are compelling you to do.
If you can get your head together and deal with these three things – and I mean don’t let them fuck with you, to be blunt – then you might find that your struggle didn’t make any sense to begin with; you want to get yourself to the moment when you can ask yourself, “Why was this bothering me to begin with?” because by dealing with these three things, the answer becomes obvious but now it’s of little or no consequence. Some of us didn’t “ask” to be bisexual (some of us actually do) but, well, here you are, aren’t you? As in everything else in life, you work to control the things you can control and don’t waste time and effort trying to control things that are beyond your ability to control, mainly what everyone else might think about you because you’re bisexual. You just might change some minds and get them on your side but you gotta know that you’re not gonna change everyone’s mind, that everyone isn’t going to be on your side… but how is this any different from what everyone in the world has to deal with on a daily basis?
I just think that when you can see and understand that your bisexuality is just a part of your whole life – and you can do something about the three things I mentioned above, you can either end the struggle altogether or knock it down to the point where it’s not being a pain in your ass all the time. As I told someone earlier, I don’t usually say this but if I can do it, then it can be done by others. And, damned right, the sooner you can do it, the better. For some, this will be like child’s play but for others, yeah, sorry, you’re gonna have to work to get it done. Park your emotions to the side and let your intellect work on this and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find that the struggle you’re facing has been left behind in the dust. If you wanna stop struggling, you’re gonna have to effect change within yourself and the more (and longer) you resist the changes, the more you’re gonna struggle with this… and it is self-defeating to be kicking your own ass about this when, in fact, you don’t have to.
And you shouldn’t. These are just my words and thoughts on the matter and one can accept them or reject them as they see fit. But if this is fucking with you and to the point of distraction, well, at least you’ve read the words of one bisexual man who faced the struggle… and kicked its ass. I am bisexual and morality, while all nice and proper, doesn’t tell the whole truth of what we can be – it just tells us what we’re supposed to be. I understand that this is a socially constructed model but, at the same time, nah, I don’t wholly buy into it… because I don’t have to if I don’t want to and I’m free to create my own model which happens to include the “best” of the heterosexual and homosexual worlds. Maybe I will burn in hell… but I won’t know until I find myself there. For me, that takes care of #1.
I don’t get all bent out of shape about the opinions of others and, well, I’m arrogant (or confident, take your pick) enough to say that if someone doesn’t like the fact that I’m bisexual, all they can do is not like it and nothing short of killing me is going to change the fact that I’m bisexual; maybe I’ll take what you might have to say into consideration, maybe I won’t but understand this: This is my life and I’m running shit around here whether you like it or not. Likewise, if I think you need to know that I’m bisexual, I will tell you and if you don’t accept it, you’re not gonna make that my problem; otherwise, if I don’t tell you, well, you just won’t know – and that takes care of #2.
Finally, if I can do something about what my feelings are compelling me to do, fine – it’s gonna be on like a motherfucker, believe me and no cock will be “safe” – but if I can’t, well, if there ain’t shit I can do about it – or I shouldn’t do shit about it because it wouldn’t be in my best interest to do so, I’m not gonna worry about it and, besides, if it’s just about getting laid (read this as gloriously busting a nut), well, I’m bisexual; my sexual interests aren’t just about men are they? Number three has now been dealt with.
The struggle ceases to be a problem in my life. The struggle tries to come back (the persistent bastard) but it’s kept at bay because I manage things so that those three things I mentioned don’t become a problem: I am bisexual… and I own this shit like white on rice. My passion about bisexuality runs very deep (like y’all didn’t know that, huh?) but my intelligence runs things… because it has to; otherwise, I’m fucked if my emotions are in charge because at any given moment in time, they can be all over the damned place and that’s just counterproductive.
This’ll either make sense… or it won’t but I gotta ask, as I prepare to leave the computer, that if it doesn’t make sense you, can you ask yourself (and not me) why it doesn’t? Ya might be surprised at the answers you come up with but, ah, if you reject those answers, well, there you go – you now know why it’s not making sense for you to end the struggle and stop kicking your own ass…