…now it’s about what’s actually going to happen. Some guys just leave it to whatever the moment calls for, some have rather elaborate plans they want to enact now that it’s gonna be on like popcorn. It’s one thing to think, “This is what I wanna do…” then something else when one’s plans get totally tossed out like a used condom and some of the issues in this is that no one ever expects the situation to change, either on its own or by someone’s mind getting changed.
There’s nothing more… stressful than to find yourself thinking one thing but the guy who said yes to you is now thinking something entirely different; what might have started out as some agreed-to very heavy petting, mutual masturbation, and maybe even some oral sex has now morphed into something else, oh, like hard dicks being introduced into certain body cavities. Now, it may not be a serious problem provided you don’t mind invading that certain cavity or having yours invaded… but there’s what is expected and then there’s what might show up out of the blue and unless you have included the “shit can happen for no reason” factor in your man-sex thinking, well, to say that your results may vary is a gross understatement.
I don’t know how many times after the guy has said yes (or I’ve said it) and things were going as negotiated and I’ve heard the other guy say, “Stick it in me!” or “Put your fingers in my ass!” or – gulp – “Kiss me!” and, of course, my mind was solely on what we agreed to do and now I’m in one of those “what the fuck?” moments because, hey, going off script ain’t supposed to happen… is it? If nothing else, having this happen taught me that the only thing I should expect is for the unexpected to happen and then be able to adjust accordingly to the situation on the fly if need be.
As I’ve allowed on numerous occasions, when two guys agree to have sex, there are some “basic” things that we just assume are going to take place unless exceptions have been put on the table before the fact… like that really means anything. I’ve agreed to oral sex with guys, have had them put on the table that, no, they don’t like to suck dick – but that’s not a deal breaker for me every time – and then find myself surprised when I feel his mouth covering me or he starts manhandling me so he can get at my cock. And while this isn’t a bad thing, um, don’t you just hate it when changes crop up and you’re not expecting them or, worse, assuming that they’re not going to happen?
So when a guy tells me, “Um, I might not suck your dick…” I learned not to take his words at face value. It’s not that I don’t believe what he said… but, on the other hand, I’ve learned to believe it when it actually doesn’t happen. If a guy says, “I ain’t into any ass-playing shit!” okay, I’m good with that… but I also learned that anyone can change their mind at any time and for any reason. Shit, even I’ve done it; I’ve told guys that they can’t fuck me and have, out of “nowhere” changed my mind and given them my ass or, the inverse of this, I’ve said that I’m not going to fuck this guy… and have changed my mind about that when he said – and again out of “nowhere,” that he now wants to feel me in his ass.
This isn’t to say that the sex never happens “as scripted” because it does… and there are times when I get the sense that this is a mistake or, at best, an error in one’s logic to assume that just because you agreed to do this or that, everything is going to go according to plan. It makes sense that if this kind of thinking rarely works with women, why would you just assume that men are any different?
See, we have it in our minds that when we have sex, it’s about making the other person feel good and getting them off but the other side of this coin – and the one we work at not talking about so much – is that it’s also about that which will get us off and, yes, at the other person’s expense, as it were. So, sure, there are times when we’ll agree to some mutual oral sex with a guy… but all of a sudden, the thing that’ll get you off with, um, greater impact would be him finger-fucking your ass… and that gets even funnier if you happen to be one of those guys who have that innate fear about having their butt-hole probed. I’ve often wondered how many guys wind up getting blindsided by hearing a voice crying out for something that wasn’t negotiated… then realized the voice they heard was their own?
Does it really make sense to expect things to go the way you think they should go? Sure, that would be nice but doesn’t it also make sense to expect the unexpected, not only from him but from yourself as well? Even at its wildest, I’d hazard a guess and say that we like our sex to be orderly and without any chaos-inducing surprises; we have, at the very least, an “idea” of how we want things to go and more so if you and homey have taken the time to get all the likes and dislikes out on the table so the negotiations can begin in earnest. Once things have been agreed upon, now it’s time to get naked and get busy working on the negotiated items and that fine… right up until the script gets flipped… and I know that some guys don’t react well to changes in the plan – and even if they’re the one who invoked the change in things.
Sometimes it’s pretty damned funny. I was with a guy once and we’d negotiated spending quite a bit of time sucking each other off; anything that looked like fucking was taken off the table right up front – I wasn’t feeling it and he was afraid to do it – and that was fine. Everything was going “according to plan” when, at least from my hormone-dulled perspective, he suddenly stopped sucking me, flipped me over onto my stomach, and started doing the intercrural thing to me until he impressively creamed my crack. Now, it was one thing that I allowed it to happen and, no, don’t ask me why I did because I don’t know; what was funny (at least to me) was when he rolled off me, looked at me and said, “I have no idea why I did that!” I assured him that there would be no repercussions coming for his “off-script” moment… but, I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop myself from laughing; that “stupefied” look on his face was just too much for me.
Sadly, I’ve seen such things go badly and violently so on occasion because I’ve theorized that those heat-of-the-moment driven, shit happens things just aren’t supposed to happen. If “Dean” says he only wants a specific thing to happen and “Prince” agrees to it, well, that’s all that’s supposed to happen and there’s just no excuse that can be given if “Dean” gets surprised by “Prince” inserting a finger into his ass or lays a lip-lock on him. It could be a pleasant surprise or a very unpleasant one… but don’t we just act as if things aren’t supposed to change for any reason?
This isn’t like the situation that can happen when shit has been negotiated – but the other guy was planning to do the thing he said he wasn’t going to do all along and then when it jumps off – and some kind of negative reaction happens, all he can say – and while feigning innocence – is that he thought that you’d like it. Nope, what I’m talking about is “simply” someone changing their minds at the “spur of the moment” and the fact that we do act as if once someone’s mind is made up, well, you’re not supposed to change your mind while the sex is in progress.
I don’t know about other guys but, again, if I have an expectation before the fact, it’s that the unexpected can happen and, shit, I can’t even begin to tell you all of the stuff that goes on in my head but the “easiest” version is there are a whole lot (an understatement) of scenarios running through my mind and most of them have to do with what I’m going to do or how I’m going to react if certain things come into play – and whether he instigates them or I do – and I sure as hell know that I’m very capable of changing my mind at any point in the action… and, yeah, even when the last thing on my mind is changing my mind about anything. Sure enough, I’ve had a mouthful of dick and have had some… interesting thoughts that could be a game-changer but, nah, I’m not gonna go for any of them because it might start some bad shit. Likewise, I’ve somehow managed to peel my eyes open, see the other guy eating my dick like it’s his most favorite food in the world and have some equally interesting – and, yeah, promise-breaking thoughts about what I’d like for him to do next… but, again, I’m not going to mention them (and more so when he’s already told me that he’s not into what I might be thinking) because I just don’t want to kill the mood.
Doesn’t mean that changing the game won’t ever happen or his part or mine… and I can’t (and you really shouldn’t) assume that it’s never going to happen. When I’ve given thought about this particular subject, I can see how the power of sex is involved and, perhaps, how we can grossly underestimate it; it makes sense that when we have sex, there “has” to be a measure of control and that plays into wanting to be as safe as possible during sex and, at least consciously, we don’t ever want to have our boundaries invaded or do some unexpected invading of someone else’s boundaries if they’re known. And, oddly enough, it’s a set of lessons we learn when we have sex with women and how easy it is to do something that’ll get us instantly on her shit list… or get her thinking that we’re sexual gods, all things depending of course.
I also have reason to think that because we’re not all that fond of those “last second, spur of the moment” changes, we learn to condition ourselves against change and that becomes an inhibition because in the back of our minds, we are at a very high level of alert against anything that might happen that runs contrary to what we want/think/hope/expect to happen and that just so goes against our self-protection protocols… even though some of us are very much aware that while we know what we want, um, sometimes, we don’t always know that until we want it. This isn’t one of those things when after the fun is over, you turn and look at your partner in this and say, “You know, I was hoping you’d do (add something here)!” or “I thought you were going to (add something else here) for a moment…”
Nah, this is about those times when you’re thinking one thing is supposed to happen… but something else does and how we react to such things. I’d guess that most of the time, this ain’t a good thing but if it isn’t, it begs the question of why it’s not a good thing and that speaks directly to what really goes on in your head about having sex. There’s what we want to happen, what we expect to happen, and even what we don’t want to happen… and we, perhaps, don’t give much thought to what the power of sex can make happen and since we don’t, we get surprised pleasantly or otherwise, their doing or our own doing.
Does anyone other than myself ever think about this? I do because knowledge is power and there’s no such thing as too much information about something that’s so deeply personal like having sex can be… and I’m not a fan of surprises as a matter of course. It’s about understanding some shit, not only about someone you’re having sex with but yourself as well and not taking for granted that the sex is always gonna jump off the way you think it should.