The first thing I’m gonna say about this is that no matter what you’ve been told, you do not have to (a) romance a man or (b) be in a relationship with a guy to (c) validate your bisexuality and, finally, (d) if it’s not in your best interest to do it. I know this bothers a lot of bisexuals because it’s not really a huge shift in thinking that if you have to romance a woman and have a relationship with her, then the same logic applied when it comes to men. The next thing I’m gonna say about this is that bisexual men do get romantically involved with other men and can see their way into having a relationship with him… but it’s not the rule and it’s not really an exception – it’s just the way things can work out depending on one’s emotional and physical needs.
I think about my experiences with this and, on the whole, I can’t honestly say that the whole thing is all that bad… when you just look at romance and relationships but when you factor in the other person (and yourself), well, it can go as good or as bad as any other kind of relationship with the exception that men aren’t supposed to be romantic with each other or form a relationship outside of just being friends.
For guys who aren’t gay, the mere thought of having a relationship with another man is enough to make your balls retreat to safety; bisexual men aren’t always “afraid” of the sex two men can have… but if there’s something that’ll get their guts churning is the thought of falling in love with a guy – and then thinking that because love is on the table, a relationship has to take place.
The logic of this is flawed; just because romance is in the wind doesn’t mean it has to proceed to that “logical conclusion” of having a relationship and while two guys can “give up women” and start playing house with each other, it’s because they want to… not because they have to. Indeed, a lot of bi guys can feel that having a guy who’s in that FWB status is about as good as it can get; you get all the benefits of a relationship (read this as loads of sex) without all the hassles being in a relationship – and this kind in particular – can bring to the party.
Again, I look at my own experiences and can admit that I didn’t do as well in them as I could have done. I can admit that for the first one, I just didn’t know enough to deal with it and, for the second, well, I’ll never know how that could have turned out because at the point where it was getting even more serious, it had to end. The thing I eventually learned was a having a romantic relationship with a man isn’t really all that different from one with a woman in that there are going to be high and low points from beginning to end and now it’s a matter of how all of these things are dealt with…
But, as a bisexual man, you don’t have to get all into the romance and have a relationship if you can’t do it. I wouldn’t say that it’s unusual for a guy to wonder what it would be like to be so romantically involved with another man but, yep, this is another one of those “thinking ain’t the same as doing” things I’m always yapping about. And, yes, bisexual ladies, this applies to you as well, just in case you thought I forgot about y’all. You could do these things… but you don’t have to if it’s not in your best interests to do so. No, you shouldn’t assume that such a situation can never happen – those would be famous last words and you’d find yourself saying, “I thought it could never happen to me!” but because things have gotten romantic, that “logical conclusion” just does not have to happen if the conditions aren’t right for it and beginning with whether or not you can be romantic and/or even interested in playing house with them.
People fuck this up because they’re trying to do something that, at least for them, can’t be done; they just don’t have their minds in the right place to deal with the dynamics of a same-sex relationship and I’m not talking about the sexual parts – those are easy by comparison. I’ve read here on WordPress that a lot of bisexuals say that they have little or no issues with the sex but they don’t think they could have a relationship so, duh, if you don’t think that you can, why would you try to do something that only serves to set yourself up to fail? Doesn’t make a lot of sense to me and, no, just because you can have an opposite sex relationship doesn’t mean that the same sex one is going to be “easy” – because no relationship is easy to undertake and, for the moment, I’m not going to get all into the nuts and bolts about this.
Does it feel weird to find that you have deeper feelings for a guy than just having lust for him? Yeah, it does and it can be disturbing and more so if you always believe that men can only love women – love, all by itself, doesn’t give a fuck about such things. I know that it messed with my head initially but I was able to make sense of it because what I thought love is supposed to be ain’t always the same thing as what love can be. So I went from being momentarily disturbed to tickled that, hey, I’m in love with a guy – who knew? And just as it is being in love with a woman, it had its good and bad points – but that’s just the way love goes. I learned that I could, in some unseen future, fall in love with a guy again and I wouldn’t question that… but I would very seriously question whether or not I wanted (or needed) to be in a loving relationship with him. It’s okay for me to feel what I’m feeling but it might not be okay for me to do anything about it other than, uh, having sex with him – it just might not be practical.
This is yet another of those situations where you can’t let your emotions run the show; any thoughts about romance and relationship should be handled by one’s intellect: Can I do it? Should I do it? Would it be what’s best for either of us? What would I have to do to make this happen if this is what I need to do? And if you can’t answer the questions, leave it alone until you can. You don’t need romance and/or a relationship to validate yourself as a bisexual – this is “simply” a matter of whether or not you can really do it, not all that different from the same thought processes involved when it’s a woman you’re romancing and trying to establish a relationship with.
Just some stray thoughts before I settle in to watch some boob tube…