Wow, Top Searches has been on a roll here of late and today’s offering is, “Conflicted bisexuals.”
First thought: “No shit, Sherlock!”
Second thought: “Aw, man, this is a very real bitch and her bitchy sister…”
That there are conflicted bisexuals isn’t all that shocking. Discovering that you have the feelings – and the later you discover them, the more shocking they can be – can fuck someone’s mind up like scrambling an egg because everything you thought about yourself has now changed. It’s conflicting enough to work at figuring out why you’re feeling this – or why you’re feeling this “all late and wrong” – but as I’ve allowed on probably too many occasions, trying to figure out what to do about this can create a mental clusterfuck of epic proportions within some folks.
What, when, why, where, and how are the questions that’ll upset the apple cart and answering them in their varying forms can overload your brain, induce headaches, cause sleeplessness, and a slew of other not-so-nice things up to and including depression when the answers aren’t forthcoming. Societal issues, the way one looks at themselves, and reality get together to form one hell of a train wreck and because the reality of the situation ain’t even close to the social norm and one’s self-image, holy shit…
The really big question: “How do I get this shit to stop fucking with me?” Um…, let’s see, ah, okay, well, the answer to that question actually depends on one’s ability to do a few things that the shit storm of bisexuality discovery can drop on you. It’s a very strong emotional response and you need to exchange the heat of your emotions to the coolness of logic and intellect – and that’s not easy to do either. Y’all hear me preaching about acceptance and that’s as “simple” as telling yourself, “Okay, this is how I’m feeling…” and then, as methodically as possible, begin to answer the questions intelligently and not emotionally even though your emotions are going to be raising all kinds of hell. Your emotions are going to demand immediate answers and resolutions and I can pretty much guarantee you that this will only add fuel to the fires of the conflict. If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about the person you are (and why you’re that person), the conflict will become worse because working on resolving this conflict calls for quite a bit of introspection or self-evaluation.
In this, you can’t put the cart before the horse or, you can’t try to figure out a course of action if you don’t know what you’re trying to act on and I’ve actually had people tell me, “I don’t know what’s going on but I gotta do something!” Well, there’s your problem, huh? Y’all keep seeing me write the same thing over and over: Think first… then act, if you must. And I’ve learned that your emotions aren’t going to help you think – they’re part of the problem and not part of the solution so they’re like loud background noises that only serve to impair your ability to think clearly as well as the source of an argument that isn’t in favor of you making some changes to the status quo of your life so that you can effectively resolve the conflict – and there are some changes that must be enacted, trust me.
And those changes begin with your system of belief, something we all hold onto tightly and fiercely and with the thought that we can’t change that which we firmly believe in; as long as you believe this (ironic, ain’t it?), the conflict will continue unabated. If you believe that you can’t be feeling the way you’re feeling, um, well, that’s kinda nuts since you are feeling this way; ditto if you believe that you shouldn’t be feeling this way. You really have to suspend all of your beliefs and “put them on hold” pending modification and, again, not an easy task for most people, which doesn’t change the fact that it is necessary if you don’t want to wind up in therapy and taking certain medications. If your first worry is, “What are people gonna think?” you’ve got it all wrong – that’s not the first thing you need to address at the moment of conflict – again, that’s putting one of the horses before the cart and not knowing what kind of cart you have.
Conflict resolution is never easy and it’s even less so when the conflict is kicking your own ass – but it happens because of the application of intellect more than emotion: You have to think and then be ready to accept the answers and not do what a lot of people do: Dismiss that which is obvious in favor of what they believe… but this situation is no longer about what you believe, is it? The sooner you can accept this, the easier your task to resolve the conflict one way or the other will be. You really and seriously cannot – and, perhaps, should not – worry so much about doing something about the way you’re now feeling; you need to deal with the conflict first and foremost or, once more, think first… then act if you must (or if you even can act at all). When you can turn down the volume on your emotions or just put them on mute for a few, you might be able to think clearly enough to answer the questions of what, when, why, where, and how and the answers to these horribly important questions will determine how you’re gonna act… or if acting is even warranted depending on your situation.
One other important thing: Don’t let your pride stop you from asking someone to help you resolve this. Some of us can handle this without outside assistance but many people require some assistance and, hopefully, in the form of someone who’s bisexual and, as such, understands how this train wreck can be cleared up and the road cleared so you can get on with things. Don’t let your ego convince you that you can’t possibly be feeling what you’re feeling – and if you think this sounds silly, then you get the point I’m trying to make here. Now, you could “run and hide” from this but I’ve seen folks do this only to have the conflict return with a vengeance at some point and since you’re really trying to run and hide from yourself, well, that kinda never works as well as we may think it should.
This is a long-assed writing and it occurred to me that if I were to write down exactly what I did to resolve the conflict when it eventually body-slammed me, I could very well wind up with severe cramps in my fingers because my resolution process was horribly complex. The short and more understandable version of how I resolved it is that I used my intellect to figure things out more than I listened to my emotions; I literally asked myself, “Are you as smart as you think you are and if you are, can you resolve this?”
Yes, I can… and I did… but not without going through some “significant” changes and some of them didn’t feel good or “right” in that sense but if I needed to stop making myself nuts over this – and I very much wanted to not be a nut case – now it’s all about biting a few bullets, crossing my fingers, and making the changes and hoping like hell I didn’t fuck anything up in the process that couldn’t be fixed. It wasn’t easy… but I resolved the conflict… and I made the “mistake” of putting a whole team of Clydesdales before the cart – I acted, then thought (not really recommended) but, okay, my intellect (and quite a bit of luck) helped me learn things from my actions, changed the way I was behaving, and helped me put down the conflict.
And if you’re conflicted in this, you really have to believe that you can and will resolve this because if you believe that you can’t, then you’ve already failed, I’m sorry to say. If you believe that no resolution is possible, you’re dead wrong because there is one – you just have to believe in yourself enough to get to it; if you believe there is absolutely, positively nothing you can do about this, you’re wrong because being bisexual isn’t just about doing – read this as getting romantically or sexually entangled and the thing you have to do first and foremost is get your head around the “obvious” fact that you believe yourself to be bisexual – then you can worry about what can be done and all that other good shit and, yeah, sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing at all other than being at peace with yourself about being bisexual.
I wish I could explain this better…