Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Sex is a Trust Issue

11 Jul

So… there’s this perception that bisexuals (and male bisexuals in particular) will have sex with anyone, anytime, anywhere and minus any scruples or good judgement as well as a total disregard for that which is moral.  That there are indiscriminate bisexuals out there lends some truth to this perception but as with all such things, it’s not the whole truth because, on the whole, people don’t have sex with people they can’t trust to some degree.

Sex can leave a person physically and emotionally vulnerable and anyone who has had a bad sexual experience can tell you just how much this can fuck with your head – and, sometimes, the emotional damage alone can be permanent and any physical scars can remain as well, making one’s desire and ability to have sex going forward difficult if not impossible.  How do you know if you can trust the guy you just met on “” not to cause you any harm?

You don’t.  One of the things I know I learned early on is how to read people, from what they say to how they say it, their body language and, in the Internet days, even the way they write… and despite having “gotten pretty damned good” at it, you still won’t know if you can trust him enough to get naked with him until you actually do it.  Still, if you understand how lust can unlock things within someone, you learn to take what they’ve said to get you to agree to sex with a rather large grain of sodium chloride because when someone gets caught up in the throes of their lust, there ain’t no telling what they’re gonna do… and this can be true even with someone you’ve had sex with before.

I know I’ve learned to go into an encounter with a guy with the thought in my head that I might have to kick his ass or otherwise defend myself on standby; I’ve also learned that if I go into the encounter and this thought is in the front of my mind, I’m not gonna enjoy what’s happening – it’ll make me paranoid and suspicious of everything he does and set a hair-trigger on me that’ll put me on edge and ready to strike… and that’s just not a good way to have sex.  Given my training, it’s also not good to have me in that frame of mind and have me misinterpret an action as a threat – nope, not good at all and, yes, I’ve had to defend myself because you just can’t trust a horny guy sometimes.

It’s a crap shoot; it’s throwing chance to the wind and, yes, taking the risk that this guy who’s drooling at the prospect of having fun with your body isn’t going to do something that one or both of you might wind up regretting.  These days, you can run into a lot of guys on the various “dating” sites who don’t want to spend any time talking to you; they want you to give up the dick, your ass, or both immediately and without any undue hesitation; they don’t “have the time” for niceties or don’t want to reveal anything about themselves other than their pressing desire to have sex with you and, personally, I avoid these guys like the plague and long since adopted the philosophy that if you don’t have the time to talk to me, you don’t have the time to have sex with me… and given that I’m not fond of surprises and my tendency to react very badly to them, this is a good stance for me to take.

I know it’s just me but the whole trust issue thing isn’t about whether or not I can trust him to make our encounter pleasurable and more so since I’ve learned not to assume that just because homey says he can bring the noise, he can truly bring it; it’s easy to talk shit… and much harder to back it up.  Nope, the issue is all about whether or not I can trust you when I’m going to be vulnerable so you also learn to adopt the philosophy of hoping for the best but expecting the worst; the biggest mistake anyone can make is to go into a sexual situation and expecting and assuming that everything is going to go the way “it’s supposed to.”  Anyone who has totally let their guard down and have gotten “fucked up” in some way will tell you how big of a mistake behaving like this can be.  You don’t want to be overly guarded… but you don’t want to be unguarded, either.  You want to be wary… but you sure as hell don’t want to be paranoid.

And you sure as shit don’t ever want to be afraid at any point in this unless, of course, you’re one of those people who get off on the rush of fear and danger.  So if you’re gonna get naked and busy with some dude, you’re gonna have to trust him to some extent… but not so much… but then be able to balance things so that if you do decide to lie down with him, you’ll be able to enjoy whatever’s on the menu but ready to deal with the consequences of your actions if the situation suddenly changes.  I know – and just like women have often learned – that men can be disarmingly charming when they’re trying to sex you up – then you find out they’re the wolf in sheep’s clothing or just downright dishonest about their intentions.  I don’t know how many times I’ve had a guy tell me, “I’m not gonna do anything you don’t want done…” and he’s tried to do something I made clear I didn’t want to do – which is usually trying to fuck me but I also don’t like guys who are overly aggressive, either and, yes, I’ve learned a few things about that, sad to say – but they learned a few things as well, like finding yourself in a joint lock because he’s been a bad boy doesn’t feel good any more than finding yourself in a potentially lethal choke hold isn’t fun.

You hope, going in, that if something goes down that isn’t to your liking, you can simply tell the guy to cease and desist and that he’ll do just that… but if you don’t know that some dudes can lose their ability to understand language when their lust is upon them, well, I’m telling you it can happen.  The thing is that in any situation, you just don’t know what’s gonna happen other than what you think is gonna happen… so if you wanna have sex with him, you’re gonna have to trust him not to cause you any harm outside of what’s expected during sex, like, yeah, when he slides his dick into your ass, you’re gonna feel that or your jaws might get to aching from sucking him – that kind of stuff.

The “best” way to avoid a violation of trust in this?  Really get to know him and it’s my opinion that if he’s unwilling to let you do that, don’t have sex with him.  I know that some bi guys are so guarded against being outed as a bisexual that, in the name of discretion, eh, they’re not all that willing to put a lot about themselves out there.  I understand their caution… but since I learned my lessons about having sex with guys I didn’t know a whole lot about before the fact, um, if a guy’s being too cautious with information about himself, chances are good I’m not going to agree to have sex with him because there are certain things I’m looking for when I chat with someone I can’t see, certain questions that I’ve learned to ask over the years and if I don’t see what I’m looking for or the questions aren’t answered to my satisfaction then, no, I’m not going to trust him to be with me in a vulnerable situation.  See, people seem to think that words don’t mean anything and I beg to differ – they do and in more ways than one; people think that someone can just say any old thing because they’re “safe” hiding behind their keyboards and screens… but they’re not safe from anyone who knows about the power of words and, well, you just can’t bullshit a bullshitter, can you?

In this, I think that some dudes forget that they’re trying to get with someone who knows how to play the game just as well – or even better – than they do; I mean, we’re men and men who have much experience trying to get women to give up the booty, right?  And, at least with me, the more you try to bullshit me, the less I’m going to trust you and, yeah, that which you don’t say will convince me not to trust you as well.  Dealing with this trust issue is part intuition, part intelligence, part experience and, yeah, sometimes, you just leave it all up to luck or chance.  Sex can and will make a motherfucker crazy – including yourself – so you gotta know that if you have some trust issues about this, the other guy might have them as well so, yeah, in this whole process, it’s not all about whether or not you can trust him not to cause you any harm – it’s also about whether or not he can trust you.

It’s why I encourage guys to ask me questions and why I’ll answer them honestly because, yep, I do want him to trust me enough to give him some pleasure and I sure as hell don’t want him to be paranoid or afraid either; not only can that kill the mood, because you’re dealing with another man, it can get very dangerous as well – and who wants to deal with that shit?  I sure as hell don’t…

This is an aspect of bisexuality that we don’t talk about a whole lot – but I brought it up because I’m all about trying to change that “indiscriminate” perception some folks have about bisexuals.  The only thing that’s truly indiscriminate about us is that, yep, we want to have sex with both men and women (and, shit yeah, at the same time if we can!) but there’s only a few of us who’ll dive right in and without any thoughts about their physical/emotional safety; the rest of us do, in fact, have trust issues when it comes to sex and no matter who we’re having sex with, male or female.  Many of us learn these lessons the hard way – Lord knows I did and I consider myself to be lucky that I’ve gotten through them without a whole lot of damage – maybe a fat lip or a bloody nose and a few times I hurt the shit out of my hands opening up a can or two of whup-ass in defense of myself – but nothing permanent physically or  emotionally.  I think that if I had the advantage of someone teaching me this shit before the fact, I would have been able to avoid or better handle the bad situations I experienced.

So this is me tell y’all, just in case you weren’t aware of this aspect of things, aight?

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Posted by on 11 July 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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