First, a question: Do you know what “being on the DL” originally meant? While you’re thinking about this, I’ll keep typing the thoughts that just popped into my head about this…
The “best” situation for a bisexual – male or female – is to be single and free to handle their business and not have to answer to someone about where they’ve been, what they’ve been doing, and who they’ve being doing shit with. But once you get into a relationship with someone, well, we all know that whatever we were doing when we were single can come to a screeching halt or it can be like hitting a brick wall at 60 mph depending on how active we were when single: There are just some things you cannot do once you get into a relationship with someone and the laws of monogamy are now in effect and, yes, even if you’re not married to that person – but y’all should already know this.
I was actually thinking about my newest buddy Ann and her recent, ah, activities and the news of her first sexual encounter with a woman (brava, Ann – damned proud of you!), which got me thinking about a few intangible things, which got me to thinking about a question I’ve heard – and have been asked – many times: Why go on the DL? It’s not that the question can’t be answered because it can even though someone asking the question – and probably with damned good reason – isn’t ever going to like the answers that come up from asking a single question and those answers can serve to give monogamy a lot of painful body shots to the liver and solar plexus when the gist of the answer is, “Because I need something that you can’t give me.”
Let the clusterfuck begin. Of all the arguments a bisexual can get into with a partner about being bisexual, this is about the worst one I can think of – and keep in mind that the argument about being bisexual at all can be brutal (more body shots to the liver and solar plexus) all by itself. It begs a question that the folks who believe in monogamy cannot adequately answer – well, there’s a few questions, but the main one is, “If I need something that you can’t provide, am I supposed to go without it?” Now, the obvious answer to this is, “Yes – that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do and, besides, I should be enough for you!” even though it should be pretty damned obvious that if the bisexual in question is on the DL to get that which they need, um, two things: One, you’re not enough in that sense and, for the other, ah, aren’t you supposed to be seeing to and taking care of my needs… or is this really about me taking care of just your needs?
You’ve never been in an argument until you’ve been in a DL-related argument; you can’t appreciate the phrase “running the gamut of emotions” until you find yourself caught up in this maelstrom of emotions in this particular situation… and none of the emotions experienced are good ones. Oh, and before I forget, let me dispel a myth at this point, that being, only male bisexuals are guilty of sneaking to the DL for their same-sex fun; that, my friends, is a bald-faced lie because there are female bisexuals who are just as much on the DL and the only reason why the haters that like bringing this up don’t give the ladies a bunch of grief (other than slut shaming them) is that being a bisexual female is considered to be fine and dandy and if she’s on the DL getting many slices of the damp, well, that asshole dude she’s with obviously ain’t getting the job done, which is another bullshit assumption because homey could very well be handling the business but she’s on the DL for coochie for one reason:
He’s not a woman.
Now, it can be argued that because “Belinda” is a woman and, as such, not equipped to handle “Mark’s” need for cock, well, sorry dude, that’s no excuse for sneaking off to some no-tell motel and doing only God knows what with some other dude – well, except if you’re “Mark” of course. He has a specific need that “Belinda” can’t even take care of even if she was fucking him three times a day every day and giving him blowjobs in between… but our conventional thinking is that “Mark” should give up this need and “Belinda” gets a pass for essentially failing to hold up her end of the bargain, i.e., seeing to his needs to the best of her ability. Those of you who’d say that this is exactly what “Mark”is supposed to do might not have much of an idea of how powerful the need to have some same-sex action can be and if you did have an idea, sure, you’d say, “Well, he’s supposed to resist the temptation!” – and that is a hell of a lot easier said than done but, yeah, the bisexual in this situation has two choices: Submit to the morality of the situation or say fuck it and make the decision to go get what’s missing from their lives.
You see the problem, right? Monogamy’s solution to this problem doesn’t allow a “mutually satisfying” situation; the bisexual who needs their same-sex cravings taken care of is just gonna get assed out on top of any other “punishments” handed down for sneaking out on the DL in the first place which begs yet another question: Is it right to deprive someone of something they need and something that defines them as a person? We know that the usual answer to this is always going to be two-fold: Yes… and it sucks to be you, doesn’t it, you fucking pervert! Given that this answer can be, um, what’s the words I’m looking for -ah, fucked up works – then you find bisexuals, male and female alike – turning to the DL because the other probably solution – negotiated (or ethical, if you prefer) infidelity is a damned hard thing to enact and even this can carry some steep prices, i.e., what’s good for the goose (you know the rest of this one, right?).
Finding out that the bisexual you’ve discovered you’re dealing with is on the DL is a very hard emotional hit. Not only has one’s belief in monogamy been kicked in the crotch but the thought of being inadequate can be a killer: You mean to tell me that I’m not all that you’re gonna need? And, as you might expect, once this thought goes through someone’s head, the whole situation will be circling the drain quickly and, again, making this one of the worst arguments you can have with a partner. And, oh, yeah, before I forget, it’ll be bad enough that you snuck out to the DL and cheated… but you did it with someone who’s the same sex as you are and now you’re not only wrong but you’re doubly wrong.
It begs yet another question: Why can’t monogamy be more flexible so that the needs of anyone in the relationship can be addressed without everything going straight to hell? Depending on how open-minded you are – and if you really understand why monogamy exists in the first place – you know it wasn’t designed to be flexible and that it has a specific purpose. You also understand that everyone has their own ideas of what monogamy is supposed to be and how it’s supposed to work which can put things even more on lockdown and make it impossible for certain other needs to be addressed. There’s no wiggle room, no recourse, no room for negotiation – this is the alpha and omega of being in a relationship. Yet, we see – and in more modern times – that while this is true, broadening the scope of monogamy is, in fact, possible because there are a lot of couples who have done just that – and remain very much together and in love with each other.
Conventional thinking says that if it ain’t broke, don’t fuck with it and being monogamous falls into this category and, really, it’s not ever supposed to be fucked with but, once more, what about someone’s individual needs? We can cite, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… or the one” in this and that when we’re monogamous, we’re supposed to cleave unto each other so that two people becomes a single, joined entity – and that’s fine except, um, does that really mean that the individual ceases to exist, that all that they are – including being bisexual – no longer has meaning and is deemed to now be immaterial or of no consequence to the overall cause?
A lot of people are seeing the flaws in the logic of monogamy and in the areas of personal growth – this covers a lot of shit in truth but for the purposes of this discussion, I’m only talking about sexuality, okay? – and since the flaws are quite glaring and potentially (and traditionally) hazardous, no, it doesn’t surprise me that bisexuals in a relationship are turning to the DL or renegotiating the “terms” of their relationship so that their needs in this can (a) be taken care of and (b) allow them to grow as a person. Sadly – and lacking a better word – it’s easier to hit the DL than it is to undertake negotiations… but given how being on the DL has gotten such a horrific rep and one that’s been laid on the shoulder of bisexual men, well, it just makes a bad situation worse.
The whole DL thing can be such a fucking mess; it’s seen as an unnecessary evil in the eyes of those who have unwavering belief in monogamy but a necessary evil for a bisexual who needs to be bisexual because, um, they’re bisexual. Demanding that they not be bisexual – and you can take that to mean don’t you dare go get any same-sex action – appears to be “easy” enough and, yeah, I’ve seen situations where someone’s been told to not even think in such terms – and how they expect to (a) be obeyed and (b) for something so insane to work is beyond me unless being monogamous means you get to have control over what a bisexual is thinking about – and some people take it to mean this… which, really, doesn’t mean a whole lot because even as I’ve said to someone who said this to me, “You don’t have the right to tell me what to think!”
It’s monogamy’s inflexibility that makes being a bisexual so damned difficult to deal with and since you have, oh, maybe, a one in one hundred chance of getting your partner to give you permission to see to your needs in this, you’re either going to do absolutely nothing about your sexuality… or you’re going on the DL because from your perspective, the alternatives are far less than attractive and, yeah, worth the risk of damaging and/or killing your relationship. And, no: If you’re a bisexual in this situation, I’m not suggesting that you immediately go to your partner and renegotiate things – that might not go well for you and that’s a fact; if you were to do this, you’d better be damned sure that the person you’re with is open enough to discuss it and without pitching a royal bitch or two about the matter and, yep, if you do, you’d better have a plan in place that’s really fucking good because logic doesn’t always trump such a deeply emotional thing like this. It can be done – it has been done – but whether you’d be successful (a) being on the DL without getting busted or (b) renegotiating things in the relationship, well, that’s problematic and this is me being nice about how very bad this can be.
I’m just the guy who happened to have this on his mind and, as such, writing about what’s on my mind. It’s a difficult situation for any bisexual to find themselves in; you have that nearly overpowering need to do something about your feelings but you’re in a situation that demands that you do nothing – or else. I’m the guy who’ll point out the flaws because they do exist and, really, it doesn’t matter if you say that they’re not supposed to exist – just because you say it doesn’t make it the truth and, really, if the flaws didn’t exist, the DL wouldn’t exist at all… and no one, regardless of sexuality, would ever have a need to seek a solution outside of the relationship. Is it a motherfucker to learn that you’re not all that your partner will ever need? It sure as hell is, have no doubts about this.
It’s just a clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks… and if you can take a step back and look at it without any prejudice, maybe you can get an idea of what can go through a bisexual’s mind about this. It seems hopeless, that there’s no solution or other choice that doesn’t involved terminating the relationship and, for some bisexuals, because this is such a daunting thing to have on one’s mind, having that feeling of being trapped isn’t a good thing – you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t and, yes, this leads to depression and a few other things one would rather not want to experience and, importantly, the relationship is going to suffer little by little until the relationship eventually dies or some “drastic” changes get made, oh, like going on the DL and getting that same-sex fix before the bisexual goes completely nuts.