Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Lead, Follow, or…

14 Jul

One of the most humorous and maybe even embarrassing moments happens when two guys agree to have sex with each other, get somewhere they can do it, practically shred their clothing to get naked… and then stand or sit there waiting for something to happen, better known as “the pregnant pause,” that slice of time where you know something’s going to happen but no one’s all that eager to get the balls rolling (see what I did there?).

Lord knows that I’ve been in this situation more times than I care to think about it and I got to thinking at some point along the line about the dynamic of someone being dominant – assuming the male role in sex – and someone being submissive – assuming the female role; ‘classically’, men are supposed to kick off the sex – with women, of course – and women were (and probably still are) looked at in a bad way if they were ever to be the ones initiating sex even though that wound up changing when women said, “Fuck this shit – I’m getting mine and I ain’t waiting on him to get it!”

In the situations I’ve been in like this, um, I’ve usually been the one to say, “Fuck it!” and get the show on the road and so much that, later on in life, I got to thinking more about this and found myself wondering if it were possible that when two guys are just standing there, dicks all hard and ready, and staring at each other, it’s because no one wants to be the dominant… or they’ve just assumed the submissive role and it’s a matter of waiting for the guy in the dominant roll to wake up and take them and in whatever way that’s gonna happen.

The dynamic isn’t clear in that I’ve been with guys who are just adapted to the submissive sexual role and, after working their way through the pause, would just get on their knees or get me to lie down so they can start sucking my dick… but I’ve done that when I make the first move so does that mean by starting things off that I’m in the submissive role… or the dominant one?  I think that, ideally, the roles are interchangeable because sex is supposed to be about give and take and as equally as possible but, on the real, eh, we know that it doesn’t work like that and now it becomes a matter of leading, following, or getting the fuck out of the way.

Once again and somewhere along the line, I got to wondering how being a top, bottom, or versatile plays into this and you’d think that once you understand these “roles,” well, it would be less murky… but it really isn’t, which probably explains why things can get a little funny if/when two tops get together or two bottoms somehow manage to hook up because someone is always waiting for the other person to assume the position, as it were and if you really understand the general mindsets of tops and bottoms, well, I guess you can see how two tops or two bottoms wouldn’t ever be able to hook up and have sex.  I came to understand (no pun this time) that these are sexual/sexuality personality traits and that really got me thinking about some shit about myself, like, how when I got started, I was what would be considered today as versatile but once I invoked the edict against anal sex, I found that I’m neither a top or a bottom… but I can be damned impatient at times and unwilling to play the waiting game of the pregnant pause.

It’s like, “Dude, okay, if you’re not gonna lead, then I guess I gotta be the one to lead – again.  Sheesh!” – but this brought to mind other questions about the dynamic, i.e., if I grab the reins, throw homey on the bed, and get to blowing the shit out of him, am I in the dominant role… or the submissive one?  Likewise, if the other guy beats me to the punch and starts to ravage my cock, which one of us is really being dominant and which of us are being submissive or, if it helps, if the other guy starts things, am I being “dominant” by “making” him suck my dick first or am I being submissive?  And, yeah, the reverse of this is applicable, of course, and if you’re reading this and having a “what the fuck” moment, welcome to the party because I found that I can only think about this for so long before I get a stall warning from my brain.

In the top/bottom/versatile roles, I noticed that some men think in terms of aggression and assertiveness versus the lack of these things and that, with the exception of a versatile man, these two things in particular define the dominant-male and submissive-female roles and, yeah, I will apologize to every woman reading this about the submissive-female thing but that’s what it’s called or, at the least, it’s what I learned in my studies about all of this so I hope y’all don’t get insulted by the term.  But I’ve wondered if this is really a valid way to determine who leads and who follows and, oh, yeah, it really is assumed that a guy can’t change his mind about being aggressive or assertive with another man; maybe he’s usually like that but the next time, he doesn’t want to be aggressive or assertive or, kinda plainly, he doesn’t want to be the one to run the show, in that sense.

Still having a “what the fuck” moment?  That pregnant pause thing has always had me wondering about this and more so since I’ve been with aggressive and assertive bottoms and a few passive tops and its all made me wonder what’s really driving this – one’s personality or simply how they can behave when lust has taken hold of them?  Then – and if I haven’t fucked with your head enough with this – could it be true that the guy in the dominant-male role is actually submitting to the guy in the submissive-female role and his desire to please and, in this, his behavior could be seen in the dominant-male role as well?

Now, ya might be wondering why I’d even bother to think about this shit – and I’ve wondered that as well at times – and the reason (and the one that makes sense to me) is that when it comes to bisexual men and the things they might do, it’s about why things work the way they do that bring the greater understanding.  This level of thinking tends to fuck with people because “why” is seen as being less important that “what” is – “Joe” and “Harry” are sucking each other and, well, it doesn’t matter why they’re doing it except they’re both bisexual – or let’s say “Harry” is gay for a slightly different perspective.  I’ve noticed that pretty much everyone wants to focus on what’s being done and few people are interested in the why of it, up to and including their “choice” of roles, i.e., dominant-male or submissive-female… and then be bothered with how this relates to men having sex with women; this is usually seen as being different… but it really isn’t because  when it comes to sex, someone always “takes the lead” and someone always “follows” and those roles are, in fact, interchangeable.

Oh, and then using up some brain power to see how they fit into all of this.  I’ve been asked if I’m a top, bottom, or versatile and since I won’t engage in anal sex (except under some very specific conditions), I’m not versatile… but like I said earlier, I’m not a top in the generally accepted sense nor am I a bottom but, damn, you know how folks can get so when they insist that I have to be either a top or a bottom so if I’m not versatile, ugh, then I guess I’m more of a top than a bottom and that’s only because of my personality or I could just be conditioned to be an initiator – I honestly can’t say anything definitive about that other than it could be six of one, a half-dozen of the other but, in my mind, I’ve initiated sex so many times that I don’t always want to be the one to start shit – let someone else do that for a change, okay?  And, yeah, I might find myself naked with a guy and having this on my mind… and I still wind up being the one taking charge of the situation and getting the balls ready to be emptied.

And, yeah, despite the mind-numbing, deeper level stuff wrapped around this, it’s still funny to be in that moment and be eyeballing the other guy (read this as checking out his boner) and having all kinds of thoughts going through your head about what this encounter is going to be like and feeling the rush of anticipation burning its way through you… and nothing’s happening other than maybe some rather sheepish or goofy facial expressions.  In one such situation, I remember literally leaping onto the guy and having my way with him and hearing him say, “I was just waiting for you to do that!” In another situation, I was the one who got “attacked” and the guy said, after it was all said and done, “I don’t know why I did that – I like having the other guy do his job and get things started!”

And, um, I’ve been in what I can only describe as a Mexican stand-off that has lasted a few minutes and the question, “What are you waiting for?” is being asked by both of us; I guess that’s what it’s like when you come across someone who “thinks” like you do, or two top-like guys find themselves naked with each other.  In my younger exposures to this, it was like, “You go first!”  “No, you first!”  “I don’t wanna go first!”  “Neither do I so you go first!”  And it still begs the question whether or not I’m being dominant or submissive when I said, “Okay, I’ll go first (you chicken)!”  By being the one to start things, did I submit to their will… or was I being dominant and “taking” what I wanted?  Is it assertion/aggression, a lack of patience, or something else I’ve never been able to make any real sense of?

My mind tends to simplify this – and probably out of self-defense of itself more than anything else – because I don’t care who starts things off… as long as they get started but, yeah, if someone ‘usually’ gets it popping, um, that’ll be me in the majority of times and even then I’ve wondered if it’s because I also have sex with women and have been conditioned to be the one who’s suppose to always initiate sex or, “You wanted to do this, so what are you waiting for?”

Okay, I think I’ve made y’all brain-dead enough for now but for those folks who think that bisexual men are truly mindless, unthinking sex fiends when it comes to this, I think I’ve put a dent in that stereotype because I do think about it because even with all that I’ve experienced, I still need to understand being bisexual and to understand the behaviors of the men I’ll lie down with; it’s not something I take for granted and, yeah, I know I can be anal about it, too.

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Posted by on 14 July 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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