That bisexuals have issues is pretty much a given and the things that make being bisexual a major pain are legion. But, just a little while ago, I got to thinking about what makes us our own worst enemy when it comes to being bisexual and then at a high level… so hang on.
First off, we can’t even agree on what bisexuality means. Yes, I know that it’s more personal and subject to our own perceptions but, let’s face it, you can go ask ten bisexuals what the word means and someone’s going to offer up a meaning that’ll be different. Indeed, you can search here on WordPress for the bisexuality tag and get introduced to definitions of the word that, if you bothered to look it up in a reliable dictionary, just won’t match. We get so much into what we think it means than we do taking the base word and then understanding how the literal definition differs with how we’re bisexual. It is true that there are bisexuals who despise the word and all that it could mean; it’s not that they’re not bisexual but since they aren’t fond of being labeled or “boxed into a corner,” they’ll come up with their own definitions and, I might add, maybe without realizing that they’re still labeling themselves.
Because being bisexual is so personal to each of us – and then you tack on all the bullshit that’s being thrown at us about being privileged, invisible, and potentially erased from “existence” – it’s no wonder that we can’t all agree on what the word means or we wanna act as if the shoe doesn’t fit us… and that’s a problem when you consider that no one seems to disagree on what it means to be heterosexual or homosexual; the word itself defines the behavior, does it not? And when was the last time you heard a straight person pitch a bitch about being labeled heterosexual or a homosexual categorically deny that they’re not homosexual?
Some of us are so fucked up about being bisexual that we’ve invented new, more palatable definitions, like heteroflexible, bi with the right person, socially bisexual, homoflexible, and pansexual, right along with some others I can’t remember at this moment but because these words are being squeezed into our lexicon and vocabulary, it does kinda imply a bit of denial that we don’t quack like a duck, nope, not in the way the word literally means. We will even start splitting hairs, telling ourselves and others that our sexuality of choice isn’t purely about men and women; some of us get into that “hearts, not parts” frame of mind, start talking about how the gender of the person is more important that the sex they were born into – and, sometimes, I think that they don’t know what the word “gender” means because they’ve never bothered to pick up that reliable dictionary and read the definition but that’s just my opinion.
And if you’re bisexual and you’re reading this and you’re sitting there disagreeing with what I’ve said so far, well, I rest my case and your disagreement proves my point and, yes, I know that because I don’t agree with how some other folks are looking at what bisexual means, I’m just as much a part of the problem as everyone else is… but I’m the bisexual guy who will point out this disparity among us and point to how this can play into us being our own worst enemy.
I’m not trying to change minds about what it means; I’m just pointing at something that’s now kinda obvious to me and contributes itself to why so many bisexuals struggle with being bisexual. It’s purely my position that, first, we should accept the definition as written… and then decide for ourselves how we embody what the word literally means; that this is going to be different just makes sense – “Captain Obvious” declares that, duh, we’re all different people despite having something in common with each other.
We don’t – or can’t – agree on what it means to be bisexual and how that’s supposed to work, like, those folks who believe that one’s bisexuality can only be validated by having some same-sex action or that being in a same-sex relationship has something to do with “proving” one’s bisexuality. The fact, and even as I understand it, is that this validation takes place within one’s own thoughts and in the moment that they admit to themselves and accept that, hey, how about that – I’m bisexual! I keep saying over and over that being bisexual just isn’t a thing to do – it’s a way to be, a way to think and a way that can affect every aspect of your life, like being able to see more than one side of a situation, for instance, or seeing the “bigger picture” because if we’re bisexual, then we are clearly outside of the box that our society and morality says we should always be in.
Yeah, that’s why being bisexual can feel so damned liberating because it’s not just about the sex… but not all of us pays much attention to that or not enough attention. Yeah, the sex can be some damned satisfying shit – ain’t gonna lie about that but what can make us our own worst enemies is believing that bisexuals do everything in a heterosexual kind of way, like, because it’s “natural” for boy to meet girl, fall in love (or lust, if you will), and plan to be a couple, then when acting on one’s bisexuality, well, doesn’t the same “rules” apply? I maintain that, yeah, it could happen like that… but not as a matter of course; you’d have to want to be this way with someone who’s the same sex as you are but, fuck no, it’s not a requirement by any stretch of the imagination. Jeez, I see so many bisexuals say that they doubt their bisexuality simply because they couldn’t imagine themselves in a same sex relationship… when there’s no need to even go there because the only thing doing it would prove is that you could, in fact, have a same-sex relationship… and one should be very much aware of the fact that no relationship is easy to do.
We often wind up being our own worst enemy because instead of trusting our thoughts, feelings, and instincts, we’d rather listen to the hype bandied about – and hype that’s been put out there by people who are not bisexual or those folks who had a bad sexual experience and assume (and incorrectly so) that just because that one time went bad, it’ll always be bad. We hear the horror stories of homosexual sex and, I dunno, I guess it’s easier to believe them than to find out the truth for one’s self – and even if that’s possible because we will often fuck our own heads up with all that “thinking is doing” shit as well. A lot of bisexuals are totally bummed out because they do want to get out there and have the sex… but they can’t for a few reasons – and being monogamous is one of them. We will fuck our own heads up because other people say that we can’t be monogamous, are flighty, and other shit I’m sure you’ve heard… and then believe and/or fear that they won’t be able to follow their desires to be heterosexually monogamous to, with, and for someone they love. In other words, we let the fears that other people have decide our sexuality fates for us and I don’t know about any of you, but that’s some fucked up shit.
And now we’re gonna get all into that coming out shit that many of us fear and, yes, not without good reason. We can’t really agree on whether coming out is a good, necessary, and even mandatory thing to do… or if our bisexual purposes are best served by keeping people on a need to know basis and, yes, this is a “disagreement” among bisexuals; that there’s this faction out there who’s demanding that we all come out doesn’t help this situation at all. We know of the horror stories told by those who’ve come out and have gotten their whole world trashed – and this is no joke: You can get your life fucked up by telling the wrong person/people that you’re not as straight as (a) they thought you were or (b) expected you to be or even (c) demand that you be. How does this make us be our own worst enemy? Since we know that it can be, ah, hazardous to our health to come out to one and all, we wind up holding that secret within us and the fucked up thing is that we want to tell someone – and can’t or shouldn’t – and this will just start gnawing on us and making us depressed – and we’re doing this to ourselves, mind you, more than anything else.
Of course, because we don’t want to put ourselves at risk doing this, it lends itself to the hype that bisexuals are just a bunch of unfaithful, lying motherfucker of the worst possible ilk and kind when, in fact, it’s not our fault that “everyone else” has an issue with us being bisexual and wants to fuck us up in some way because we’re not straight or gay. It instills a very real fear in some of us and that fear will control us and will fuck with us at every turn – if we allow it to but, yeah, we become our own worst enemy because we think we have no other choice than to live with this fear and let it decide things for us regarding our sexuality.
These things and many more high level type stuff are things I observe in other bisexuals and, yes, I have seen these things in myself as I grew up and grew into how I’m bisexual so, nah, it’s not like I’m talking out of my ass about these things: This isn’t theory, folks – this is how we, as a sexuality entity, tend to behave. And, yes, I don’t give a fuck what others have to say but bisexuality is a very real sexual orientation emotionally, physically, or both. Yeah, it goes without saying that being bisexual comes with some really interesting problems; we can’t agree on what it is, what it means, how to “prove” to ourselves that we are the duck we think/feel we are and can’t agree on how to go about being bisexual and that’s just the high level things I’ve been able to think of off-hand; like I said, I’m not even trying to get into the more deep and personal problems we have except to say that we all have them to some degree or another but we eventually find a way to deal with them.
We’re not exactly straight… but we’re not exactly gay either and because we exist somewhere between zero and six on the famous Kinsey scale – and, oh, yeah, we can’t even agree that the scale is a true representation of human sexuality – we have issues and some of them are, in fact, of our own making and doing. Being bisexual offers a greater diversity when it comes to love, sex, and relationships and these things, all by themselves, have their own inherent problems that can lend itself to us being our own worst enemies because there’s the way we think things are… and then there’s how things really are and, fuck, we just seem to have issues with this and, yep, it can fuck with your head big time and so much that we can’t agree on what the word bisexual means. What being bisexual means to us at that personal level is a different kettle of fish because we should tailor what the word means to fit how we want to be bisexual and how we can be this way, both in thought and action. We pitch a royal bitch when our detractors accuse us of being in denial and, actually, this isn’t entirely an untruth and more so when we’d rather use other labels to define how we’re going about being bisexual and dismissing out of hand that in some way, we like, love, or lust after men and women – and whatever the hell that means here in 2015.
Sometimes, the enemy isn’t those people who are straight and gay; we’ve seen the enemy… and it can be us as well.
Just some shit for y’all to think about. It’s how I see it and, yeah, I know I could be wrong. Still, if one wants to examine the problems with bisexuality, you have to start at the top and work your way down until you eventually get to the root causes. You don’t have to believe me if you don’t want to; shit, you aren’t expected and required to agree with me if you don’t want to. But, yeah, if what I’ve written has you thinking about it, that’s a good thing, isn’t it?