Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: “We’re Both Bisexual!”

31 Jul

As a male bisexual, there’s nothing more comforting to learn that your partner is also bisexual, well, after you go through all that “Why didn’t you tell me before now?” stuff and along with the, “Were you like this before we met?” stuff, all of which can be interesting and perhaps a little stressful but when you get past all of this, yeah, it is really nice to know that your partner understands an aspect of sex and sexuality like you do.  Despite what a lot of people think, a relationship consisting of two bisexuals isn’t an automatic recipe for disaster – that doesn’t happen unless one or both people in the relationship start talking about what they can do because it does open up a lot of opportunities to explore and grow… if they do it right.

The whole being monogamous thing prevents a lot of bisexuals from acting on their urges and feelings because the “need” to stay monogamous is seen as being more important than an individual’s needs so if either person in the relationship has it in their mind to do something, this is obviously a problem… but not one that cannot be worked around and, as you’ve probably seen me write about one hundred times, it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do.  A lot of bisexual couples think about how they can change the rules, find out that doing this is horribly complex and just give up; some accept the challenge changing the terms of their relationship and forge ahead… then run smack dab into a few things that, perhaps, they didn’t give a lot of thought to, like, it’s one thing to think that the two of you can just go out there and do stuff with other people, another thing when emotions like jealousy drops by to pay a visit and brings all of its nasty friends along for the ride.  This, too, will derail the train or, at the least, make it stop dead on the tracks until these things can be dealt with – and only then does it become obvious that, um, baby, maybe we should have talked some more about how this was going to make us feel.

Some intrepid bisexual couples do get these things addressed and dealt with… and now comes the hard part:  Who can I find to play with?  Oh, and before I go any further with this, it’s also a good thing for the couple to decide if they’re going to do things separately or as a couple but, really, in either situation, finding someone to explore your other side with isn’t always as easy as it sounds. Hell, yeah – there are millions of bisexuals out there and the Internet does make it easy to gain access to a lot of people who are just like you… and that includes having a set of preferences that are as specific and as varied as the ones you have both individually and, if you were smart enough to think about this, as a couple.  Hopefully, our hypothetical intrepid couple has already sorted out whether their activities are  going to be individual or joint… but you still have to find someone or another couple who’d be willing to engage with you… and I wish you a lot of luck on this one.  Yes, it can be done but this can be such a difficult thing to accomplish that it is easy for one or both people to become totally and completely discouraged, disheartened, and disillusioned.

Some couples think that becoming swingers can take care of things, well, right up until they find out what the swinging environment is like and how much bisexual men are despised and feared so unless you go on such a site and lie about your man’s sexuality, the chances of getting some sexual action in this venue are slim to none or, at the worse, you will get a hard lesson in taking one for the team and it can be quite unpleasant.  Now, are there bisexual couples who can thrive in the swinging lifestyle? Yes, there are and you can take it from me that this is true… but you can also believe that this is more the exception than the rule.  There’s nothing more… demoralizing than to successfully find a couple that you both can agree on, open a dialog with them and be right on the verge of getting it on… only to get kicked to the curb for (a) revealing your man’s bisexuality and (b) if you lied about his sexuality on your profile, getting dissed for lying and then get outed on the site for being a couple of liars.  You gotta know that a lot of bisexual couples do lie about the man’s sexuality – even though the lifestyle isn’t what I’d call fond of people who lie or deceive to get laid; still, the lie is told and it becomes possible for sex to take place in the lifestyle as long as your man is willing to set aside his urges for the sake of being able to get busy – taking a big one for the team.  It’s true that some bi guys don’t mind giving up their need for dick in favor of being able to fuck another man’s wife but you also have to wonder what might be going on in his head about his bisexual wife having more fun with this than he is.

If this doesn’t sound like fun – and it might not be – then what?  Some couples who decide that this is a joint venture can look for a boyfriend or girlfriend (it’s usually a girlfriend they can both share) so now they’re on the lookout for a bisexual woman… a unicorn… and then someone who won’t have any objections to being sexually and/or emotionally involved with the guy in the relationship.  I’m not going to say that finding a boyfriend to share is easier but you see the “problem” with this, i.,e., someone isn’t going to be able to act on their other urges with a single person joining the party.  Again, I’m not saying that this scenario can’t work because it can but someone is going to wind up taking one for the team by not being able to explore their same-sex urges.  So, yeah, finding another couple seems like the logical solution… but this isn’t like swinging; swingers aren’t fond of any emotional attachments other than lust (it protects their relationship) and this scenario is more about sharing more than just lust… and I again wish you luck in finding a suitable couple in this.  This couple not only has to be suitable and compatible for immediate needs… but for any future needs as well.  Yep, it’s more like being poly than anything else and, again, I can tell you for a fact that this is even harder than being a monogamous couple… but this, too, can be done with a great deal of success.

Just because you two have learned of each other’s bisexuality (a) doesn’t mean that you have to do anything “extra” about this or (b) that being able to do something is going to be easy or even (c) that if someone can do something, the fact that other person may not be able to be successful could put a lot of stresses on the relationship.  Being bisexual changes all of the rules all by itself… but this situation can change everything and if it’s not done “correctly” – and read this as you both have spent a shitload of time talking to each other and working on every conceivable detail so that you can explore things and maintain the integrity of your relationship – well, I hate to say it but things aren’t going to go well for either of you.  In any of this, it’s easy to think that going out and exploring things (individually or jointly) makes sense – and it can make sense but if you don’t have a plan (or a bunch of plans, to be honest) to work from, you’ll find out the hard way that thinking and doing aren’t the same things, that this’ll look good on paper but can also utterly and disastrously fail in execution.

I’ve actually spent more time talking bisexual couples out of doing this than telling them, “Yeah, sure you can – go for it!” because I know what it takes to do any of this… and it is formidable in its scope; unless you’re willing and able to change everything you’ve ever learned about love, sex, and relationships, well, do I really need to say it again?  Sure, you could opt to do nothing – and a lot of couples, again, decide that doing anything isn’t worth the aggravation – but if one or both of you are feeling the pull to see to those needs that your opposite sex partner can’t take care of, you should know that dealing with this is hard and even harder than you might think.  There’s too much individual beliefs and feelings that have to be changed and even discarded in favor of doing everything in an entirely new way and one that (a) preserves your relationship (and enhances it) and (b) sees to those other needs.

Still, and as I usually say about this, if you or your partner do not think that you can do that which is necessary in any of this, don’t even try it and now your mission – and I don’t see where you don’t have a choice to accept this one – is to help each other deal with the frustration of not being able to do one damned thing about the way you feel… which can be just as bad.

Just wanted to get this out of my head… now on to other things…

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Posted by on 31 July 2015 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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