I was reading this – https://assentivelyyours.wordpress.com/2015/09/21/self-validation/ (to give my man a shout-out) – and I commented on this but it also got me thinking about the whole self-acceptance process and the things I had to work through in my head so that I could not only accept my sexuality but integrate it into my life. I know that when I talk about this, I make it sound easy and that’s because I understand what it takes so my mind tends to simplify it… but, fuck no, it’s not all that simple and more so if one is well into their adult life and have this land on them. In this, I know I had the advantage of having bisexuality land on me at a young age so I’ve have decades to sort all this shit out, to put things in their proper place and to accept and own my sexuality but, nope, not everyone has that benefit of having the time it takes to validate themselves.
There’s what you’re supposed to do; be attracted to women, get married, have kids, work your ass off, and be respectable to one and all and, importantly, don’t ever stray from this path… and that’s all well and good except at the moment you realize that you’re bisexual, well,um, that tends to complicate things a little, doesn’t it? There’s what you’re supposed to do… but this is how you think and feel and now you’ve got a problem: Not only do you have to accept the fact that you’re bisexual, you also have to figure out how this shit is going to work with that which you’re supposed to do. It can be done… and, yes, because I did it (and I’m not the only one), that makes it possible; it’s just not an easy thing to do.
Even as you’re trying to sort this bisexual shit out in your head, which is a bitch all by itself because you know – and even if you haven’t accepted it – that you’ve either felt this way or have indulged yourself in this fashion and, yeah, you were pretty much okay with it; you know you were but because of that which you’re supposed to do, you wind up questioning it because, let’s say, having oral sex with your best male friend just does not play into what we’re supposed to do. You can’t change the fact that you did it any more than you can keep telling yourself that you really didn’t like it – and, yes, it’s easy to do that retrospectively and even that can’t change the fact you were sucking dick and having fun doing it.
And that even goes for those folks who never did anything about what they were feeling; you know you had the feelings and felt the thrill of it even as you tried to deny all of it – and all because it supposedly doesn’t fit with that which we’re supposed to do. I know the feeling all too well because I struggled with this… until I asked myself if it made sense for me to struggle with it… and I learned that it didn’t. Just because I was all for being able to have sex with men and women didn’t really clash with those things I was supposed to be and, yeah, at a very high level of thought, it was all about accepting that, yep, I did it, I liked doing it, I still like doing it either way and that’s not likely to change even though I’m expected and required to be attracted to women, fall in love with one, marry her, fuck her, impregnate her, and then be a hard-working and dutiful father… which I did, by the way. Easy-peasy, right?
Self-validation, which is very important, by the way, is all about a couple of facts: This is the person you are… so how does the person you are do the things that are supposed to be done and as smoothly as possible while have those bisexual feelings lurking around? I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it: Being bisexual isn’t always about doing something about it; if you can do something, fine but if you can’t, well, you just can’t. The one thing you do have to do – and even if it’s my own opinion and for whatever that might be worth – is to accept that this is who you are and then own it… then focus on being that husband or father, the hard-working dude at work or whatever life demands that you do It’s not really about that which you’re supposed to do – it’s about what you, being bisexual and all that, can do and, well, just because you like pussy and dick really doesn’t have much to do with one’s desire to be a spouse or a parent or a hard-working son-of-a-bitch; you can do all of this and still be bisexual even if all you can do about it is think and/or feel.
So when you’re going through this self-validation thing, it’s about not lying to yourself and, for the moment, not paying any attention to the shit we’re taught that men are supposed to do – that’ll come later, trust me. You ask yourself some hard questions and answer them truthfully:
- Do you have certain feelings for both men and women?
- Have you ever had the sex and, at the time you had it, enjoyed the shit out of it?
- If you’ve never had the sex, uh, would you like to? Does the thought of doing what you’ve only been thinking about thrill the shit out of you?
- If you’ve done it, would you do it again if you could?
Maybe it’s just my opinion but if you can answer these questions truthfully, then validating yourself or, really, accepting this thing about yourself isn’t all that difficult to do; it just gets difficult when you get around to factoring in all that shit we, as men, are supposed to do and, mainly, be straight and focus your lust only on women… which you already know isn’t going on in your head because you’ve already truthfully admitted that women aren’t the only people who can get your dick hard and get your lust raging inside you. Let’s face it: If you can’t be honest with yourself, how the fuck can you be honest with anyone else? A friend once told me that while you can, in fact, lie to everyone else, there’s really only so much lying you can do with and to yourself and this is true about every aspect of life… so why not be honest with yourself? Yes, it’s hard to admit this to yourself because, um, you were taught that you’re not supposed to have those other thoughts and feelings… which, factually, doesn’t change the fact that you do have them, does it? But if you’re really and truly about doing those things that, as men, we’re supposed to do – that husband and father thing – well, you can do that, can’t you?
At some point – and, again, maybe it’s just me – you just have to see the logic of the situation. Yes, you’re bisexual – a lot of people are despite the fact that it’s uncool – but what does that have to do with anything? You’d still be that boyfriend, husband, father even if you weren’t bisexual, right? Even gay men still want to be a boyfriend, a husband and, yes, even a father… so sexuality, such as it is, shouldn’t be a deterrent to that which you’re supposed to do unless, of course, you keep lying to yourself about yourself and letting that self-deception get in the way of you doing those expected things.
Despite what we’ve been told, being bisexual is just as much a part of being alive as being straight is; maybe you didn’t ask for these “extra” feelings but so what? You didn’t ask to be born, did you? I know I didn’t ask to be bisexual… but it doesn’t change the fact that I am. I tried lying to myself, tried telling myself that all that shit I did – from being introduced to having a outright field day doing all that dirt – was all kid stuff, that none of it had any meaning to me as an adult because it wasn’t supposed to mean anything… which, my friends, is pretty hard to do when you’re 21, thinking about what I’m supposed to be doing… and while sucking the shit out of some guy’s dick and loving every damned second of it. It’s really hard to deny being bisexual when the evidence is all right there in your head… but validating one’s self – accepting this about one’s self – gets to be a major hassle because despite the evidence within us, we just want to deny it – we keep lying to ourselves about it and, yes, because we do this, it just makes “doing the right things” harder to do.
When the whole trick is for you to be the best person you can be and despite the cards that life has dealt you. I’m bisexual and I accept that I am and everything that being bisexual comes with be it good, bad, or indifferent – it’s the cards life has dealt me so now it’s all about doing the things I want and need to do to the best of my abilities and that includes managing my sexuality at every level. I know that had I not done my self-validation/acceptance thing, my head would be so fucked up… well, more than it already is (depending on who you talk to); I’d be spending an inordinate amount of time trying to sort my thoughts and feelings out and more so when those thoughts and feelings don’t match that list of shit I’m supposed to be doing and, in turn, spending less time doing the shit I’m supposed to be doing. It creates a conflict that doesn’t have to exist in the first place if one can accept their sexuality as quickly as possible and understand that regardless of your bisexuality, you still have to do the things you’re supposed to be doing.
Oh, and by the way, I don’t need any external validation, meaning I don’t have to prove myself to anyone other than myself. Part of the thing that can make self-validation difficult is the thoughts others have that unless you do X, Y, or Z, then you’re not bisexual or some other nonsense and, really, if they’re not bisexual, how would they know in the first place… unless there’s something about them they’re not telling you? To that end, it’s not what someone else thinks about it – it’s about what you think and, yep, you self-validate, you’re bisexual because you say you are and because you know that you are. Now, if someone wants to disagree with your assessment of yourself, okay, it’s a free country… but just because they don’t believe it doesn’t mean you have to share in their disbelief. And I get why “outsiders” think you’re not validated unless you do X, Y, and Z… and it’s because they don’t know about the cerebral side of being bisexual, the myriad thoughts and feelings flowing through your mind that, in fact, makes all the difference in the world when it comes to validating one’s self.
Everyone around you has the right not to like it and they will try to invalidate you and if you let them, well, that’s a problem, ain’t it? Self-validation just ain’t all about what you may or may not do… but it is all about what you think about yourself. Like I said earlier, you can make this harder on yourself by continuing to lie to yourself about the facts that are inside your head so if accepting your bisexuality is a problem, well, you just might be the reason why validating and accepting yourself is such a pain in the ass. I tend to say that it is what it is… and it is… but you can tailor it to fit the way you want and need to live – you can own this. It’s my contention that once you can get to this part, whatever internal fussing you have going on can be cut down to, at the very least, a dull roar. You can say, just as I do, “I am bisexual… but that’s not ever gonna stop me from doing what I have to do.” I know, just as you might be aware, that there are too many people who just don’t like bisexuals and, really, I don’t know about y’all but I just have too many other important things to worry about than a bunch of people who are hating on me. My sexuality might be a problem for me at times… but because I own this shit, nah, anyone who tries to foist their problems with sexuality on me will be summarily ignored.
It’s my life and I get to run this shit and in the best way I see fit to do it and that includes my sexuality. I am what I am and it’s not that hard to accept this… once I put my mind to it and, honestly, I didn’t see where I had a choice to do anything other than accept it unless, of course, I’m a glutton for self-punishment or otherwise love to create drama for myself. I don’t have to act on whatever I’m thinking and feeling which, by the way, also validates the fact that I’m as bisexual as the day is long but at the end of this day – and any other – I’m still very much bisexual even if it’s just in my head.
And I accept that and if anyone reading this hasn’t accepted this, then what are you waiting for? I can understand having to fuss with someone over my sexuality but the one person I’m not ever gonna fuss with is myself… because I know the truth about me even if no one else does and if I know the truth, then I’ve validated myself in this. Can it make life interesting? Yep, it sure can but now it’s about taking things in stride and, importantly, getting the thought out of your mind that you can’t be what you know yourself to be – and then because society (and all that social conditioning we underwent) says that we shouldn’t be or can’t be… which never changes the fact that you are.
It can be done because it has to be done even if for your own peace of mind and, bluntly, if you can’t do it, no one can ever do it for you.