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How Do You Feel?

20 Nov

Many years ago now, I learned some important lessons about something I had thought I knew already and they were taught to me when I fell deeply in love with someone I had “no business” falling in love with:  The wife of a friend and co-worker.  While I had spent a lot of time talking to her on the phone, the day I actually met her, the chemistry between us hit me so hard that I almost passed out – and that was before I shook her hand in greeting and when we touched, I was grateful that I didn’t have far to go to sit back down because my legs wouldn’t support me.

For a period of time after that fateful introduction, we talked about the way we felt, acknowledging the powerful and dangerous chemistry between us; we even talked about where we were being led and we desperately fought against doing something about the way we felt, our logic impeccably laid out as to why we dare not do what we both knew had to be done.  It wasn’t right; it was so totally immoral and dangerous to us both because just being in love with each other threatened our very lives and our respective families.

As I’ve written hundreds of times now, this woman was the one who taught me that you can’t do anything about the way you feel; you can only do something about how you may act on your feelings.  She was the one who taught me that just because you loved someone, that didn’t mean you had to do anything about it other than accept that this is how you feel.  I thought I knew about being in love, thought I understood all the aspects of it but this, dear God, this blindsided me, exposed an ignorance I hadn’t been aware of because I was, hands down, in love with this woman and every fiber of my being wanted to do everything I could about it… and I knew damned well that I shouldn’t.  She knew it, too; she had accepted all of this better than I had but, admittedly, felt the same thing I did, that something had to be done about this… and being the intelligent and perceptive people we both were, we knew that we would not be able to avoid the inevitable.

God knows we tried and it seemed that the more we tried, the stronger the pull became; it opened up things for the two of us that neither thought was even possible, things that only existed in cheesy romance novels, or only in our dreams.  Every moment that passed kept pushing us forward even when we logically agreed that if we stopped talking to each other, the compelling force drawing us together would go away and, in time, be forgotten… but we couldn’t even do that, not when I would be making a business call and when the phone was answered on the other end, I discovered that I had dialed her number instead… even when I was looking at the phone’s keypad when making the call.

Holy mother of Christ… what was going on here?  Just the same, the more we talked, the more we shared with each other, the stronger our love became and we just accepted it – it is what it is and maybe, just maybe, people weren’t meant to be limited to loving just one person because I loved my wife just as she loved her husband… but we also loved each other and it was insane… but it felt right even in its moral wrongness.  The pressure to do something about our feelings seemed to subside and we both thought that we had succeed in heading off the inevitable, that we were now in a safe place with each other.

And we were wrong.  We were sitting in her kitchen, drinking coffee, and just talking when the pressure returned full force; I felt it at the same time she did and we were both stunned by it because, foolishly, we thought it had gone away when, in fact, all we had subconsciously done was accept that something was going to happen and when she asked, “Are we gonna do this or what?” for a split second, I wanted to say no – I had to say no – and the truth was that I was still screaming at myself to say no as we kissed for the first time… and that sealed our fates. She took me by the hand, her intention to lead me upstairs to the comfort of the bed in her spare room… and we didn’t make it, losing our clothes before reaching the stairs… and we feasted on each other right there on the steps, on the landing, in the hallway, on that bedroom floor and it was incredible; it was powerful and all-consuming… and we just couldn’t stop.

If that first kiss sealed our fates, the moment I entered her did much more than that; it marked and bonded us for life.  We made love for hours and as if we had never had sex before, driven by both lust and love.  I kept taking her and taking her and in every way I knew how and the more I gave, the more she wanted, the more she needed.  Our very souls had joined together and we were so lost in each other that reason and common sense had no meaning; the sheer wrongness of what we were doing spurred us on further, pushing us beyond anything we had previously experienced until she could take no more… but I still had much more to give and that, all by itself, shocked and amazed me.  She was more than spent and sated… which didn’t stop me from taking her one last time as we showered because I just couldn’t not take her again.

“I hate you.”

Her words crushed me; how could she hate me after what we’d just spent the whole afternoon doing?  But she explained by saying that she hated how I made her feel and not for what we had done and in all its terrible wrongness, it all felt right.  We reveled in our love, astonished each other in the way we’d make love for hours on end and we both thought that we had gone as far as we could in this until the love we felt reared up and had us thinking about leaving our spouses and making a life together… and we learned that if we did that, it would be the biggest mistake ever made in our lives.  We kinda came to our senses after facing the pure, raw power of love and how it can remove rational thought, how it could crush intelligence and logic, how it could utterly obliterate common sense.  The love was still very much there and we knew that no matter what happened, it would always be there.  The lust was there, unabated and unfettered and we basked in it at every opportunity.

At one point, we “broke up” because it had to be done; the danger of our love had taken us from running away together to wanting to make a child of our own… and the only thing that stopped that from happening was her joking about not being able to explain to her husband why “their” baby was born with a permanent tan… so we had to break it off.  The breakup lasted all of a month and it was painful… but it made sense.  She accidentally called me one day and the sound of her voice made all my feelings for her stand up (as well as something else); she apologized for the mistake and we laughed about it until she said, “I need you.  Now.  Come to me…”  I should have stayed right where I was; I should have let the distance between us act as a shield to protect us both… and I was powerless to do so.  I came to her… and took her over and over as if that month we spent apart never happened but with one very notable difference:  We were now under control and immune to what love’s power was pushing us to do.

Now, there may be some of you who are reading this and thinking, “How could you do such a thing?  How could you work with her husband – your friend – every day and not feel the guilt and shame of what you two had done?”  Actually, it was easier than you may want to believe.  I admired him and, as odd as it sounds, respected him more than I had before.  Yes, I was well aware of the fact that if he ever found out, he would strike out at me in some way and I was prepared for that… but I didn’t hate or despise him in any way.  Yeah, it was like that and we did our male bonding thing rather well and more so because he and I had something very much in common:  We both loved his wife with all our heart and soul.

We “broke up” for the final time and, again, because we knew it had to happen and the necessity of it all was painful for us to accept… but we accepted it… and we have never stopped loving each other even though we’ve not seen each other since the very last time we made love one stormy, snowy night and, romantically so, by the fireplace.  There was, in fact, one last thing that had to be done, something I believe I innately knew but hadn’t actually thought about until she told me what that thing was as we undressed each other.  You see, during all the times we made love, I had cum in her mouth; I had cum in her ass and had cum all over her in various places… but I had never cum inside her and, yes, I did her raw because she wouldn’t have it any other way.  She said to me, “Just once, I want to feel you cum inside of me and I don’t care what happens when you do.”

Despite my reminding her of the danger of this, I knew this would be the last thing we’d ever do, one final piece of an incredibly complex puzzle.  I spent the next couple of hours filling her with my seed, all caution set aside as we were scorched by our love, the heat of our passion, and the fireplace.  The first time I spilled inside of her, she said, “Oh, my God… it’s so wonderful… I can feel it… I can feel you… give me more, please give me more…” and I cried openly and shamelessly and did as she bade – nay, as our love for each other demanded.

And nothing happened.  The last time I talked to her after that fateful night, it was her telling me that she wasn’t pregnant but that she was both relieved and unhappy that she hadn’t been impregnated by me… and I felt the exact same way.  It would be a whole decade, maybe a little more than that, before we found each other again and confirmed that our love for each other was still very much in place.  Indeed, I was a little shocked when she told me that she had told her husband that she was very much in love with me and that I was in love with her – of course, she didn’t tell him all we had done.  She shocked me even more by telling me that he said that he knew we were in love from the beginning… and that he was okay with it and, nope, it didn’t hurt their love and marriage one damned bit.

Holy shit…

Now… I told you this to tell you something else that is oh, so very important.  It is, in fact, okay to love someone because, truly, you cannot do anything about the way you feel.  You do not have to do one damned thing about those feelings; you don’t even have to let the other person know if you don’t want to or can’t tell them.  All you have to do is accept that this is how you feel, that there’s just something about them that compels you to love them.  Oh, yes, it is difficult to fight the urge to act on your feelings, as you’ve just read… but, no, all that love really requires is that you accept it as-is and for what it is.  Actions, like making love or returning those feelings, isn’t a necessity and the hardest lesson I learned about being in love is that there are times when doing nothing is the right thing to do – just accept your feelings and, indeed, bask in the headiness of it all because, after all, everything you’ve ever learned about love says that it’s impossible to be in love with someone and still very much love someone else.

What you’ve learned – what I had learned prior to this – is 100% wrong… because it is very damned possible to be in love like this, whether you risk doing anything about it or not.  We all are made to believe that such things can only cause pain and irreparable damage to existing relationships… but that, like many other things about this, isn’t the whole truth because it’s improbable that we could be the only people to have experienced this and caused no damage of any kind.  Yes, the monogamy purists are apoplectic at this point, ranting about the betrayal of our vows and, to that end, they’d be right because that’s exactly what happened… but the point they’d overlook, the point they’d go out of their way to ignore and/or otherwise deny, is that love doesn’t care about our promises, that nothing conceived or contrived by man can stand against the power of love; all those things that we believe can’t and shouldn’t be done are, in fact, possible because all love really wants you to do is accept it and if you can do something about it, fine… but it’s very much okay if you never do anything except take love into your heart and feel that sense of comfort and bliss because you are more capable to love than you ever believe is possible.

The purists would point out that even if you didn’t physically break your vows, you did so emotionally so you’d be just as guilty as if you had done something… like it’s really possible to not think or feel love… and as if there’s really anything that can deflect the power of love and keep it from touching us once it has already touched us.  Yep, even I would say that if I could be imprisoned for what went on in my head, shit, I would have been locked up way before I learned just how powerful love can be; you can tell me to not think of these things and I could – and I have – tried not to think like that… and it’s impossible and quite unnatural, I think, to suppress one’s thoughts and emotions and against something that cannot be stopped despite our best efforts.

It’s okay to feel what you feel but it’s now all about how well you can accept those feelings and that you understand – and even if it’s because I’m telling you – that you don’t have to do anything else about how you feel, that your feelings can only destroy things if you allow them to.  Maybe there are those of you who think this is nonsense and sheer folly and if you do, fine… but it can’t ever change the fact that it happened to me and the woman I will always love… and we’re not the only people this has happened to and regardless of the outcome.

We were made to love and be loved and the rules, such as they are, don’t always prevent us from feeling more love than what’s “allowable;” our innate need to love and be loved just trumps the rules and, again, you don’t have to believe me but all you really have to do is think about any time in your lives when you were in love… and you knew that you loved someone else, too, and then how it made you feel to have to suppress, dismiss, and work to ignore what you were feeling… and maybe how that didn’t quite work the way you thought it was supposed to.  You may have stopped yourself from acting on those feelings… but did you really stop feeling it?  Is it still there, deep inside of you and warming you with its presence even though you’re really not thinking about it actively?  How many times have you told yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling this way… even though you know good and damned well that you do… yet, it escapes you that the one thing you thought to be impossible is, in fact, possible?

We do know that we are more than capable of falling in love more than once; what we don’t understand or that thing we try to prevent is that we can fall in love at any time and with anyone and no matter what our current situation is.  Like you, there was a time when I didn’t think such a thing was possible… and I was proved to be quite ignorant of what love can really do.  I just knew that falling in love while being in love was just a clusterfuck waiting to happen because it’s not as if other folks had not only learned what I learned but, sadly, had it all go horribly wrong… but there are some things I now understand about this; it’s not really cause and effect – just because we can be in love and fall in love with someone else doesn’t mean we have to do anything about it other than accepting the obvious fact that you are very capable of feeling love and in ways that makes all the staunch monogamists want to soil themselves.  They say it can’t and shouldn’t ever be done… but love says otherwise.

While I did what I did in this, I did learn that, no, you really don’t have to do a damned thing but, yeah, I learned that if you can do it, okay…  but, no, if you can keep yourself from acting, that’s okay, too, but you don’t have to reject your feelings or look at them as being improper either.  If someone tells you that they love you – but you’re already in love with someone – you don’t have to give anything back if you don’t have it to give. Don’t look at it as being impossible because it is possible; don’t kid yourself that such things aren’t ever supposed to happen because they do.  And, maybe it’s just my opinion but if you believe that you cannot allow yourself to feel multiple instances of love, perhaps you don’t really understand what love is.  I’m not trying to insult anyone by saying this and I’ll even apologize if you do feel insulted… but I know something about love that you don’t want to believe, just as I know that I’m not the only person to have learned about love and what it can really mean and despite what our morality demands in this:  To only love one person at a time and that to love someone else alongside that initial love is just wrong.

My friends, that just isn’t the whole truth of things; we are capable of so much more than what we’re being limited to.  We see it as a problem, an accident just waiting to happen… but the truth is that it doesn’t have to be that way, that being in love like this always means that you have to do something about it because we’re taught that when you love someone, you’re supposed to do X, Y, and Z and, yeah, sometimes, even if it complicates our lives because love isn’t always neat and clean, is it?  All you really have to do is accept it, that you can love and be loved by someone else even though you’re already in love with someone who is dear to your heart and soul.

I’ve learned that most people cannot get their heads around acceptance and that’s quite understandable since, again, we’ve been taught that it can’t and shouldn’t ever happen… and blatantly choosing to ignore the fact that it can happen and when you don’t even expect it to; ah, damn, that Murphy dude really knows how and when to just fuck shit up, doesn’t he?  So, yeah – just “merely” accepting it isn’t easy to do… but it can be done.  I have, in fact, fallen in love with someone else quite a few times since learning this valuable lesson… and have done nothing about it other than to accept that I love them.  I bask in it, I revel in the fact that I am capable of doing something that most people can’t allow themselves to do and all because we’re told not to do things like this and that because I do feel the way I do, the only thing that has changed is, well, how I feel; otherwise, it’s business as usual.

Not because I don’t want to – I just know that I don’t have to do anything except accept my feelings.  Likewise, I’ve had people tell me that they love me… and I’ve just accepted that this is how they feel even if I don’t feel love for them; I don’t fault or blame them for their feelings and my “lack” of reciprocating feelings don’t bother me because, duh, I can’t return a feeling that I don’t have, can I?  And it’s no big deal if I can’t return the sentiment and/or feelings – but I can accept it and be happy that someone finds me worthy of their love – and that’s a precious honor that I never take lightly anymore, not after what I learned about love.  We think… we are made to believe…  that there’s only one way to love, that love can only happen in a certain way and at a certain time and only in a specific way… and that’s not the truth – it just isn’t.  You may not believe it but there are others who will read this and they believe it because they’ve experienced it and the reality of it has hit them so hard that they can no longer deny that such a thing is very damned possible even if it’s not actionable.  Yes, it can be problematic, I’d never deny that or sugarcoat it in any way… but only if you allow it to be a problem by thinking you have to do something about it other than accepting your feelings.

I know it… others have learned what I learned so they know it as well… and the questions I will now leave you with are simply this:  Do you know it?  Do you believe it’s impossible?  Can you accept that love truly knows no boundaries?

 
14 Comments

Posted by on 20 November 2015 in Life, Living and Loving

 

Tags: , ,

14 responses to “How Do You Feel?

  1. brattopia

    20 November 2015 at 19:55

    First, I just want to say that…this post, it speaks so much truth. Not only your words, but the raw emotion and honesty behind it all. It sucked me in right away, I could feel what you are trying to convey to your readers as you describe it all. Well done, and well wrote.

    Next – I am 38 years old. I got married at 17, to my best friend. He is still my best friend, my Dom and my partner in life and I love him. But, I never knew love in a blinding, emotion shaking way ’till I fell in love with my other partner. I am currently struggling with that…so much raw and real emotion feeling and not knowing how to, express or release it. But for us, we are poly, and I am lucky enough to be with two men that are ok with our dynamics in me loving them both. Even if I love them both in such different ways. I see things so differently since I fell in love with him. I never knew love could be, well, like this, and like you so well describe here.

    I hope this comment made sense.. your post so struck many thoughts in me and I seem to be all over the place with them.

    But, thank you, for sharing everything you wrote here.

    Respectfully,
    bratt

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      20 November 2015 at 20:08

      Welcome, Bratty and, yes, the power of love consumed both of us, laid us bare to each other like no other love had even done to us. The “funny” part was that being in love with each other didn’t cause problems – it was what we wanted to do about our feelings that were difficult to not let happen.

      The sex… damn, the sex was always incredible; sex with someone you love is grand… but this went beyond any of my experiences and, as she once told me, “I have never been so thoroughly fucked before in my life!”

      But we knew it was going to happen – it had to happen, as this lesson in chemistry taught us. And this, too, we could handle. But the other things love was driving us to do because “when you’re in love, you’re supposed to do…” stuff, like always be together, make babies, live happily ever after in lust and love.

      And had that happened, our lives would have been irrevocably destroyed. We both thought we knew all about love and found we didn’t know shit about it. It was beyond humbling, Bratty; it changed us forever and I’ve never looked at love in the “old ways” ever since.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • brattopia

        20 November 2015 at 20:58

        Thank you for the welcome. I’ve been very much enjoying everything you share here.

        So much strength shows in what you both felt for one another, and how you embraced it. And her husband knowing all along, isn’t that funny how that happens? My Dom/husband knew I was head over in heels in love before I did. And was/is ok with it all, encourages it, wants me to embrace it.

        Humbling. I can only so imagine. I so respect everything you have shared and said here, and your wisdom in all of this.

        I’ve never been the girly type girl, romance novels/movies and the like. But god, I get it now. I truly do. lol.

        Do you mind if I ask… that, gut punching feeling you get, that only continues to get stronger and more intense when in love like this…. how did you, I don’t know, find release for those feelings? Or, did you? Especially with you being apart from her like you were? I’m not apart from mine.. we’re never far from one another. But, I fear I am going to drive him, or myself crazy..for I cannot seem to, I don’t know, get a grasp on these raw and real emotions, and the intensity of them… like I am about to explode from lack of…release. Like you described the sex between you both, it’s amazing on a level for us as well, a level I never even knew existed. But, that only seems to satisfy that release for a short while after.

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        20 November 2015 at 21:26

        Well, I still had a wife that I very much loved and, often, she’d wind up happily being the focal point of my need to release some the possum this new and more intense love put on me. My new love and I talked – a lot – because we both needed to make sense of this craziness we found ourselves caught up in and our combined intellects proved equal to the task of keeping us grounded… but barely.

        Still, every moment we were apart, every second I couldn’t hear her voice, almost ruined me; it was so distracting and I had to summon every ounce of willpower I had remaining to cop with my feelings for her. Bratty, she would talk to me about how I made her feel and how I made love to her… and she said things to me that no one had ever said to me and in terms that, Jesus, we’re so brutally honest that I’d often wonder who she was talking about.

        She once said to me that her husband was a man… but I was all man; her husband wasn’t a slouch in bed… and she said that sex with me made him look like a rank amateur and in every way she could think of. And I knew it wasn’t bullshit, that she spoke from the core of her soul.

        Once we were talking about cooking when I heard a familiar sound – she was having a massive orgasm. I thought she had been masturbating while we spoke – she admitted to doing that – but I was wrong and when she told me that the sound of my voice alone had made her cum.

        And I knew she wasn’t lying or just stroking my ego. I was floored; this woman never failed to amaze and humble me. The first time she sucked me off? Stunning, just stunning in her focus and ferocity. I lay there gasping and she had this funny look on her face; I asked what was wrong and she said, “I never knew that could be so much fun – you taste good.”

        Bratty, she had never sucked a man off before, not even her husband. And I could barely cope with it all… but I knew I had to and managed to not lose my mind.

        Liked by 1 person

         
    • kdaddy23

      20 November 2015 at 20:10

      Damn, Bratty, I forgot to ensure you that your comments made perfectly good sense and that you know just like I do.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • brattopia

        20 November 2015 at 21:00

        *smiles* I am so glad I made some sense. Everything in your post so stirred up so many things that I’ve been feeling and things going on in my head lately. That, can lead to me rambling. lol. xx

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        20 November 2015 at 21:06

        I know this is a lot to process and my experience also taught me that I wasn’t as good at processing things as I thought… but I managed and the lady in question was instrumental in helping me cope with something I’d never experienced before.

        We’d speak of our love and I’d sound like an idiot, like I never learned to speak at all – the language of love was damned foreign to me, it seemed.

        So while I didn’t think you had gone off the deep end, yeah, I knew what you meant – I know what that feels like!

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • brattopia

        20 November 2015 at 21:10

        I just grinned to that last sentence there… I am so glad. lol! Because I swear, some days I feel like I have lost it over here! x_-

        And, I ask myself at least once a day – am I sounding like an idiot? Or, shaking my head because I turn into a damn klutz around him. lol.

        Crazy.

        Thank you for the thought provoking wonder tonight here… and the smiles. I’d buy you a cup of coffee if I could!

        xx

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        20 November 2015 at 21:28

        Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, Bratty – they are always welcomed here!

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • brattopia

        20 November 2015 at 21:57

        Wow. Just so…. utterly amazing. I will be honest and say that a year ago, I would not have been so.. captivated by your experience, and so… well, just feeling every word as you write them. Before I met him, I believed in love, but I dare say that, I never in my wildest dreams imagined it can be like what you and her had, and what him and I have. And all the, wonderful and mind blowing things that come with it..like the ones you just described. How… just so, yes….fricking amazing.

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        20 November 2015 at 21:59

        It is, isn’t it? It’s life altering…

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • brattopia

        20 November 2015 at 22:06

        So, so very much so!

        I very much have enjoyed commenting back and forth with you, and reading everything you’ve shared here. Thank you for that. *smile

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        20 November 2015 at 22:06

        I enjoyed it, too – we should do it again sometime!

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • brattopia

        20 November 2015 at 22:15

        Absolutely! 🙂

        Like

         

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