We live in an action oriented society – what you do is more important than what you think or what your intentions are or, classically, actions speak louder than words. Since so many folks fervently believe in this, we rarely stop to think about what’s going on in someone’s head… unless they do something that’s determined to be “stupid.”
In questioning my own sexuality, I learned just how complex being bi is because there’s the definition of bisexuality and then there’s how one makes it real for themselves. Some segments of our society are myopic; they see what they want to see and rarely, if ever, question what they’re looking at; they assume that if one bisexual man does something, they all do it… and not give a single though as to why, how, or when, well, except for ascribing some behaviors that really aren’t all-inclusive when it comes to bisexuals.
I’ve written maybe one hundred times or more, that bisexuality isn’t as much what one might do than it is about what’s going on under the hood: The reason why they are bisexual and that’s different for every bisexual because people are different. I can answer the questions to who, what, why, where, when, and how when it comes to myself… but if you asked another bisexual, their answers would be different.
I’ve written that no man I know of has awakened one morning and said to himself, “I think I’ll suck a dick today!” without something going on in his head that’s taken him to this early morning decision. Since you can’t see bisexual latency – those thoughts and/or feeling running around in the background of one’s mind – no one pays much attention to this; if this guy does wind up sucking cock, people tend to focus their attention to what he did… but not so much why he did and being the type of society we are, nah, it doesn’t make any difference why he did this – he’s just being an immoral, perverted bastard.
No, it doesn’t help matters that there are many bisexuals who aren’t exactly willing and eager to talk about this… so in the absence of real answers, eh, let’s make up some, shall we? And if they’re not accurate, who gives a fuck? Um, the people pondering their sexuality give a fuck, don’t they? I know I do.
Even though I’ve been bisexual for the greatest part of my life and despite all the experiences I’ve had, I still wonder about what goes on in a bisexual’s mind – what makes him or her way he/she and all those other things that cannot be seen… and indicating, at least to me, that while we like to believe that actions speak louder than words, we need to understand the words in order for the actions to make sense.
You can ask yourself why “Tim” likes being fucked in the ass by Hispanic men but only on Fridays and after having three beers… and ya might think the alcohol was to blame and you’d be partially right since alcohol is known to remove inhibitions… but that’s not the whole story. Hell, “Tim” could be wondering the same thing, making the need to look under the hood important because if you don’t ever ask why, you just won’t learn anything about this.
i think the car analogy is a good one. Many of us hop into our cars and go somewhere and while we’ve learned how to drive, a lot of us don’t know how the car works, how all those individual components come together so you can get to the store or to school, or to work. Many of us don’t care to know this; I’d even guess that a of lot us can’t remember what we learned in school about the internal combustion engine – I know some people who didn’t know where their car’s spark plugs live, let alone why they do what they do. One of the easiest things, short of going to automotive school, is to lift the hood and start getting familiar with what’s under there and if you don’t know, ask somebody.
in bisexuality, people do ask: they want to know what’s going on under the hood – and under their own hoods. I’m not the kind of blogger who’ll write about these things and couched in academia that, sometimes when I read it, make me go, “Huh? What are they really saying?” or what I usually wind up saying is, “What bisexuals are they talking about?” because what they’re defining doesn’t resemble anything I’ve learned, academically or otherwise. I tend to call it pseudoscience; it sounds factual but, eh, not so much because a lot of it is really gussied up versions of the same tired stereotypes and assumptions that I first heard so long ago now. It’s why I write repeatedly that if you want to understand this – for yourself or about someone else, ask a bisexual; if I want to know about neurosurgery, I’m not going to go ask the local baker or someone who knows a neurosurgeon – I’m gonna ask a neurosurgeon.
Even for bisexuals, peeking under their own hoods can be tedious and frustrating because unless they’re being mentored and/or have had a lot of actual experience, it’s hard to do with a lack of reference points, like those bisexuals who haven’t had any homosexual sex yet or let’s say our guy “Tim” suddenly becomes aware of his attraction to Hispanic males but can’t for the life of him figure out where it came from. The answers lie under the hood… but if you don’t know what you are looking at, none of what you see will make sense and, yes, even for those of us who are experienced, making sense of what we are isn’t all that easy.
The hard part about looking under the hood is being able to do so objectively and without any preconceived notions, biases, or prejudices and that task is made harder by all the negativity that surrounds bisexuality and its practitioners; it’s like trying to hear a whisper in a noisy room. Even I know how difficult it can be to shut out all of the “background noises” so I can concentrate on answering all those questions I mentioned way back in the beginning of this, like not yet being able to chill out even though I’ve read something someone wrote about bisexuality and they’re insisting that you have to be into someone in order to behave like a bisexual. Yep, idealistic stuff like that raises my bullshitometer a few notches and I have to get better at not letting hat happen.
Or the incessant “fact” that bisexuals are greedy and all that other claptrap; it just never fails to peg my meter to see how so many people believe something that might be partly true… but isn’t the whole truth; the reason why the people who spout this crap do this is because they don’t want to bother looking under the hood of a bisexual to find out how they work and those other necessary things that builds a more complete picture of one bisexual… but not all of us. They’d rather make broad assumptions based on faulty information. Bisexuality, in part, is treated in the same sense of that one thing that says all Black men have gigantic cocks… but the truth is while a lot of us do have to wrap our shit around our waist twice just to put our pants on and not trip over it, the truth is, nah, we all ain’t got it like that.
You wanna know the truth about that particular stereotype? Look in some Black guys’ pants (if you dare) and you’ll see the truth. Want to separate the myths from the truths of bisexuality and bisexuals (for yourself or about someone else)? Look under the hood – get inside your head (or the other person’s if they’ll let you) and ask the questions then go get the answers. I know this process fucks a lot of people up because it doesn’t make sense for someone to be bisexual, not in a world where we’re told to be straight and, lately, it’s more okay to be gay than ever before. If this is about you, well, um, you might wanna work on having it make sense but if this is on your mind about someone else, just remember that just because their sexuality doesn’t make sense to you doesn’t mean it doesn’t make sense to the bisexual in question.
We might all be bisexuals… but we didn’t become bisexuals in the same way or for the same reasons nor do we all do the exact same things or behave in the exact same way. If you want to – if you need to – understand this, look inward, not outward; our actions, such as they are, only partially define us for this is a case of “I think, therefore I am…” And, um, despite what’s often said about men in general, I don’t think with my dick. We want to always believe that actions speak louder than words but when it comes to bisexuality and bisexuals, it’s the words that matter the most and not what we might do about it.