There are two things: The way things are supposed to be and the way things are. We know that when it comes to sexuality, we’re supposed to be heterosexual, just like we know that this ain’t the case at all… yet, we still see so many people who choose to reject the reality of things. It’s their right, of course, but it’s my thought that a lot of the conflicts in the ongoing Sexuality Wars would go away if we can all admit to the reality of things – there are straight people, bi people, gay people, even transgender people, and many others who have reason to not only question the mandated sexuality preference but strive to determine their own place in the grand scheme of life.
You don’t have to like what reality brings to the table; when you get right down to it, the only “wrong” way to do this is to not do it at all, although I’m sure that those folks who lay no claim to any sexuality might disagree with me. What we need is a new way in which things are supposed to be and a way that’s a lot more closer to the reality we all live in, oh, like, “It’s your thing, do what you wanna do; I can’t tell you who to sock it to…” – thanks again, Isley Brothers, for these very real words.
I had an email conversation with my nameless friend about sexuality, attraction, and monogamy and I wish I could share what I said with you but the gist of the conversation was that while “The Matrix” (as we refer to our morality) insists and demands that we all be straight and only be attracted to the opposite sex, get married, and stay together without sundering until we die, the reality of life says, “Are you serious?” Sexuality is fluid, attraction happens whether we want it to or not, and monogamy doesn’t work for everyone like it’s supposed to.
Yes, one should hold true to that which they believe, but when reality challenges your beliefs, why not adjust your beliefs in order to incorporate what reality says is true, that not everyone is straight, attractions works like it has a “mind” of its own, and being monogamous just isn’t the only way to have a good, loving relationship? Uh-huh, many people do make the adjustment but many do not; their refusal to accept the reality and hold firm to the preferred mandates of The Matrix – and even though, intelligently, they know these things to be horribly flawed and out of date – keeps the Sexuality Wars and the other skirmishes alive and well.
Part of that conversation had to do with attraction and people behave as if they can’t be attracted to someone when they’re already in a relationship of some kind, which is why the shit hits the fan for them when they learn that they can be attracted to someone else and despite what “The Matrix” says. Then when you add bisexuality to the mix, it tends to fuck with one’s head because the The Matrix says one thing… but your biology is telling you what the real deal is: You’re attracted. Doesn’t mean you have to do anything about that attraction; you could choose, like many tend to do, to ignore any external attraction and put it out of your mind… like that’s really possible; ya might not be consciously thinking about that attraction but your subconscious isn’t going to forget it and will fuck with you about it in the background.
You can be very monogamous and in whatever sexuality mode is working for you and accept the reality that you can be attracted to someone else; what you do or don’t do is up to you but rejecting reality, well, how does that make sense? Even as I write this, there are many people out there right now giving themselves fits trying to reject the reality that they’re attracted to someone else… but they believe this isn’t supposed to happen. “Earl” isn’t supposed to see “Hank” and be attracted in some way; Earl is married to a wonderful woman but sees “Catherine” and is attracted to her in some way and in either case, The Matrix says he’s not supposed to feel this attraction… which just never, ever changes the fact that he is attracted.
Because of the way things are supposed to be, Earl has a problem he may not be able to solve and more so if he feels compelled to do something about it. According to the conventional thinking provided by The Matrix, Earl was already in the wrong by being attracted in the first place and if he’s contemplating some action – even if he actually doesn’t do it – he’s even more in the wrong. Earl just might suffer some internal conflicts about this and all because he can’t accept the reality, that he’s gonna be attracted but he doesn’t have to do anything about it if that’s not possible.
The reality isn’t all that hard to understand; things just do not work the way The Matrix says it should because if it did, I wouldn’t be writing this. We talk about keeping it real and, I think, without either understanding what “real” is; we invent our own versions of what’s real while turning a blind eye on the stark reality of life, which is about as real as anything can get. The more we reject this reality, the more conflict arises to kick us all in places we’d rather not be kicked in. We can grudgingly admit that all of this shit I’ve written is “possible” but, nah, this shit has always been real – we just choose not to accept this very scary reality.
I am a married bisexual and I’ve accepted that I can still be attracted to someone other than Linda – male, female, doesn’t matter; it’s not that hard to accept. The reality is that there are many facets to human sexuality and they are still very much real even if I were not to agree with them; my disagreement can’t affect reality and, at least for myself, the moment I realized this, a lot of my own angst went by the wayside and left behind. I could say with fervent belief that love, sex, and relationships are only to be between a man and a woman… and I would be wrong because the reality says otherwise; the reality includes this school of thought – it doesn’t exclude any other aspect of life all possible – the reality is all-inclusive.
And if you, dear reader, can’t believe this, ask yourself why you don’t; ask yourself why the reality that is right there in your face can’t be believed or accepted… then check out how you go about answering this – and if you dare to answer it… then come back here and tell me what you learned.