Male bisexuals face many difficulties but none are as worrisome as trying to figure out why they’ve gotten this sudden appreciation for other men… or, if it’s not so sudden, why have these feelings been hanging around right on the edge of their consciousness and, over time, are becoming a distraction.
These things aren’t about doing – compared to trying to figure out what’s going on, doing is somewhat easier and, for some, requires much in the way of intestinal fortitude to jump into the deep and unknown waters that is homosexual sex. Before a guy can get his feet (and other parts of his anatomy) wet, he’s got to come to terms about these taboo desires flooding every fiber of his being. The biggest question I’ve been asked about this is not why these feelings are present but how best to cope with them; people are smarter these days and while why can cause much confusion, eh, it’s really not that hard to figure out… but why can be summed up in two words: Human nature. Not an easy topic to assimilate but the simplest way to accomplish this is to understand that, yeah, it happens and the man pondering this isn’t the only guy in the history of guys to find himself wondering about this.
Coping can be a bitch, thanks to the internal struggle taking place. One part is confused but adamant that women are and always will be the preferred focus of romantic and sexual endeavors. Another part, however, is saying, “I’m good with that… but you see that guy over there? He’s hot and if you don’t believe me, uh, look down and while you’re checking out the tent, tell me why our pulse is racing and it’s a bit warm?”
We know why we’re attracted to women; some of it is evolutionary, some of it comes courtesy of our social conditioning and part of that social conditioning says that men are not to ever be attracted to or want to have sex with other men no matter what their minds and bodies are saying differently. The conflict is so powerful that we just overlook the obvious: Um, excuse me, but if looking at a guy isn’t supposed to make my dick hard, why is my dick hard? We get so busy freaking out over this revelation that we never question what we’ve been told about this or, just because it’s not supposed to happen doesn’t mean it can’t, won’t, or doesn’t. Yes, it’s true that some guys never have to deal with this and, no, I couldn’t begin to tell you why.
If you’re lucky, you’ve got someone you can confide with and someone who isn’t going to kick you in the nuts for having these verboten feelings and, if you’re even luckier, you have a bisexual mentor, someone whose been through all of this and has the hands-on experience to help put things into perspective and making acceptance of these new feelings a bit easier. Minus this, coping can be difficult for a lot of guys; it’s a lot to examine and analyze and something that calls for a lot of introspective inspection and so much that some guys get overwhelmed by it and are unable to process anything, which makes them ignore their feelings with differing levels of success – but, often, without realizing that those feelings are still there… and they may return.
Adding to the technical difficulties is what I’ll call misplaced focus; instead of working on what they’re feeling, a lot of guys are immediately concerned with what others will say about them. It’s a legitimate concern; image and reputation is everything and the only way you don’t know about the social issues around this is either you’re too young to pay attention to the news… or you’ve been living under a rock on an island in the middle of nowhere. These feelings and the accompanying thoughts can change your behavior and so subtly that you don’t notice it – but people around you – and those who are familiar with you – do notice… and the more you try to hide what’s going on, the more folks get the sense that something’s not quite right with you.
It hard to act “normal” when you’re feeling anything but normal, even when it’s business as usual with the ladies and until you learn how to cope with these feelings and accept that this is how you’re feeling – and even if you don’t know why yet – you’re gonna be your own worst enemy until you can get yourself settled down. Now, here’s the bad part in this… and as if things couldn’t be any worse, huh?
There’s no tried and true, sure fire way to cope with this. Every male bisexual or curious guy I know has had to find a way to cope that works specifically for them. I could spend a lot of time telling you what I did to cope but we are so individual that what worked for me isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution for all men dealing with these technical difficulties. I’ve come to understand that the older you are when all of this strikes, the harder it is to make sense of because it’s damned hard to change a lifetime of behaviors and experiences.
You’ve spent your life up to this point dealing with women, looking for love, sex, and relationships… and now you’re having to deal with something that you know about but never had a reason to think that you’d ever have to deal with. When asked, I’ve attributed my “success” in this to my intelligence, near-insatiable curiosity, being damned impulsive and, importantly, how old I was, which relates to how long I’ve had to get myself right about all of this. No, I’m not saying that an older and mature man can’t figure it out and cope – it’s just hard to do at times to find yourself changing everything you were taught and believed in.
So when a guy newly struck by this asks me what should he do – what can he do – my first answer is, “Accept that this is how you feel even though it feels impossible.” Because if you can’t accept and then learn how to cope, you’re going to have some issues that can be ignored but aren’t really going anywhere. Trying to convince yourself that you aren’t feeling these things is a waste of time; if you’re feeling them, then it can’t be impossible for you be feeling them, right? So, if you can’t accept and learn how to cope, doing will present even bigger problems because ya might know what you’re doing… but you still don’t know why you’re doing them.
Don’t get me wrong; some guys can and do go from, “What the hell is wrong with me?” right to having the sex without a lot of problems; doesn’t mean the technical difficulties are absent and it usually catches up with them later. “What the hell is wrong with me?” turns into, “What the hell am I doing?” and for some, catestrophically so; I’ve had guys tells me this has bitch-slapped them right in the middle of having sex with a guy – not cool at all and very disturbing.
You can’t avoid the technical difficulties – there are too many of them to make escaping possible. You accept, you learn how to cope, you formulate a plan to determine if doing is feasible, possible, or even necessary. Creating an environment of denial in your mind will not help you so thinking, “This can’t be happening to me – it’s not supposed to happen!” is, in my opinion, is a big mistake: You’re just gonna create more problems for yourself.
Use your mind and think; if you need help, find a mentor at your local LGBT community if you don’t have friends or acquaintances who’ll be on your side about this. Don’t become your own worst enemy and do your level best not to make things for yourself harder than they have to be.