In all the years I’ve talked to men about bisexuality, a common thread appears – fear – and it happens to show itself in quite a few flavors (gonna try to list them and in no particular order):
- Being seen as gay
- Getting caught doing it with a guy
- Afraid of discovering they like it
- Catching something nasty
- Having their reputation trashed
- Religious crisis
- Being shunned by friends and family
- Being unable to perform or some other failure
I’m sure I’ve missed a few – I might even remember which ones I’ve missed – but these are, let’s say, the basic ones, the fears I’ve heard more than any other.
I’ve talked to men and women about this, asking them why they wouldn’t consider giving it a try and I’ve heard so many reasons why they wouldn’t that I couldn’t begin to list them all but those reasons do, in fact, have something in common: Fear. What, you don’t necessarily agree? Well, why don’t you take a few moments and think about why you wouldn’t give it a try and really give it some thought and perhaps you will see what’s at the root of anything you can think of that would prevent you from checking it out.
Yes, it’s perfectly normal to be afraid and despite common beliefs, fear doesn’t make you a coward; it’s also true that we can fear things that are said to be irrational – phobias – or we can develop a fear of something we’ve not actually experienced but we’ve kinda latched on to someone else’s fear – if they’re afraid, then you become afraid.
But fear not – I’m not trying to convince anyone to be bisexual but I am making an attempt to make you think. I get that many of you might have an initial thought of, “I don’t believe in that shit!” but ask yourself why you don’t and maybe, just maybe, you might find one of the fears I listed at the root of your disbelief. Again, fear not; I’m not trying to insult anyone’s sensibilities – I’m just pointing out some stuff that we just overlook and, importantly, rarely question.
Okay, got that part out of the way. I decided to write about this because lately I’ve been reading about a lot of men who are chomping at the bit to have their first sexual experience with another man but also confess to one of those fears I listed above. The human mind is an incredible thing and, as such, it’s not too difficult for a guy to imagine himself in a sexual situation where his partner is a man and then doing whatever his mind can conjure up, from mutually masturbating each other up to and including some acts that would make me cringe, oh, like having someone’s forearm in their butt.
It’s a reminder that thinking is one thing – and, yeah, one can feel the exciting yet very scary feeling even in their thoughts… but doing is different and facing one of those fears for real, well, folks, that’s not fun. In the moment of truth, I’ve seen guys become paralyzed by fear, have seen them become violently ill; a few guys actually broke down and cried and even more realized, at the last possible moment, that their fears were greater than their desire – and that desire, if you’ve never felt it, can be damned overpowering and compelling.
One guy whose situation I read about asked a good and, I think, necessary question: How do I conquer my fears? The responses he got were varied and I don’t know if he found anything useful in those kind comments but his question got me to thinking about a possible answer other than, “You just gotta be strong enough to face your fears and defeat them!” That’s a lot easier said than done at times because in order to face your fears in this, you gotta know what they are and, if possible, understand them while keeping in mind that you can identify a fear, take it apart and examine every detail of it, and still not be able to face it because there’s no way of knowing whether that fear, in the moment of truth, is going to tap you on the shoulder and convince you to vacate the premises.
The biggest fear in this is not knowing what’s going to happen. A lot of men do know that you can research homosexual sex until the cows come home but the only way you’ll know if you can even look at another man’s dick is to actually do it, which is why I always recommend baby steps in this instead of going for it all the very first time. In this, you’d think that looking at another guy’s junk should be easy, right? Yep, he see his own stuff every day and if you’ve seen one, you’ve just about seen them all – and it doesn’t work like that.
Deciding to go ahead and have that first time is a life-changing event so a good measure of fear is actually a good thing because there are always consequences to everything we do – it’s just a matter of when you might wind up dealing with them. So while I’d tell a guy that he should be afraid of that first time, the best way to not let his fears make him foolish is to believe in himself. If he’s sat with himself and given a lot of thought to the pros and cons of this and is reasonable confident that he can, in fact, accept and deal with the consequences of his actions, that’ll make going ahead and engaging in that first time easier… but you still have to deal with the dick, that moment when a guy learns whether his fears are valid or if he gave them too much weight and importance.
There are some who believe that men wanting to do this just do it without giving the matter any thought; those same people believe that women go for this with equal thoughtlessness and I write this to tell you that it isn’t true because there are real fears to be faced and conquered before any sex can happen. And, yes, friends, many do conquer their fears and my favorite part of participating in someone’s first time is that moment when they realize that there was nothing for them to be afraid of.
In this and in life itself, don’t let your fears stop you from being the person you need to be. It’s not easy but think of it as a goal to reach and see how that which you fear could be keeping you from living your life at the fullest possible potential.
In the world of man-to-man sex, it might seem as if the decision to not have oral sex with a guy is a logical, common sense decision based on the available facts even though the desire to do just that is strong and powerful. That doesn’t come from your intelligence – that’s the emotion of fear at work and as I’ve said many times, when it comes to emotion versus intellect, intellect doesn’t always do well, which is why being in love sometimes doesn’t make sense and why we can be afraid of something when there’s no reason to be afraid.
If you’re wondering, yes, despite all my knowledge and experience in this, I can still be afraid of something I don’t quite understand but, hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Just a lot of food for thought and more so if one is of a mind to take that big step into the unknown…