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Today’s Bisexual Thoughts:  Living in Fear

28 Jun

In all the years I’ve talked to men about bisexuality, a common thread appears – fear – and it happens to show itself in quite a few flavors (gonna try to list them and in no particular order):

  • Being seen as gay
  • Getting caught doing it with a guy
  • Afraid of discovering they like it
  • Catching something nasty
  • Having their reputation trashed
  • Religious crisis
  • Being shunned by friends and family
  • Being unable to perform or some other failure

I’m sure I’ve missed a few – I might even remember which ones I’ve missed – but these are, let’s say, the basic ones, the fears I’ve heard more than any other.

I’ve talked to men and women about this, asking them why they wouldn’t consider giving it a try and I’ve heard so many reasons why they wouldn’t that I couldn’t begin to list them all but those reasons do, in fact, have something in common:  Fear.  What, you don’t necessarily agree?  Well, why don’t you take a few moments and think about why you wouldn’t give it a try and really give it some thought and perhaps you will see what’s at the root of anything you can think of that would prevent you from checking it out.

Yes, it’s perfectly normal to be afraid and despite common beliefs, fear doesn’t make you a coward; it’s also true that we can fear things that are said to be irrational – phobias – or we can develop a fear of something we’ve not actually experienced but we’ve kinda latched on to someone else’s fear – if they’re afraid, then you become afraid.

But fear not – I’m not trying to convince anyone to be bisexual but I am making an attempt to make you think.  I get that many of you might have an initial thought of, “I don’t believe in that shit!” but ask yourself why you don’t and maybe, just maybe, you might find one of the fears I listed at the root of your disbelief.  Again, fear not; I’m not trying to insult anyone’s sensibilities – I’m just pointing out some stuff that we just overlook and, importantly, rarely question.

Okay, got that part out of the way.  I decided to write about this because lately I’ve been reading about a lot of men who are chomping at the bit to have their first sexual experience with another man but also confess to one of those fears I listed above.  The human mind is an incredible thing and, as such, it’s not too difficult for a guy to imagine himself in a sexual situation where his partner is a man and then doing whatever his mind can conjure up, from mutually masturbating each other up to and including some acts that would make me cringe, oh, like having someone’s forearm in their butt.

It’s a reminder that thinking is one thing – and, yeah, one can feel the exciting yet very scary feeling even in their thoughts… but doing is different and facing one of those fears for real, well, folks, that’s not fun.  In the moment of truth, I’ve seen guys become paralyzed by fear, have seen them become violently ill; a few guys actually broke down and cried and even more realized, at the last possible moment, that their fears were greater than their desire – and that desire, if you’ve never felt it, can be damned overpowering and compelling.

One guy whose situation I read about asked a good and, I think, necessary question:  How do I conquer my fears?  The responses he got were varied and I don’t know if he found anything useful in those kind comments but his question got me to thinking about a possible answer other than, “You just gotta be strong enough to face your fears and defeat them!”  That’s a lot easier said than done at times because in order to face your fears in this, you gotta know what they are and, if possible, understand them while keeping in mind that you can identify a fear, take it apart and examine every detail of it, and still not be able to face it because there’s no way of knowing whether that fear, in the moment of truth, is going to tap you on the shoulder and convince you to vacate the premises.

The biggest fear in this is not knowing what’s going to happen.  A lot of men do know that you can research homosexual sex until the cows come home but the only way you’ll know if you can even look at another man’s dick is to actually do it, which is why I always recommend baby steps in this instead of going for it all the very first time.  In this, you’d think that looking at another guy’s junk should be easy, right?  Yep, he see his own stuff every day and if you’ve seen one, you’ve just about seen them all – and it doesn’t work like that.

Deciding to go ahead and have that first time is a life-changing event so a good measure of fear is actually a good thing because there are always consequences to everything we do – it’s just a matter of when you might wind up dealing with them.  So while I’d tell a guy that he should be afraid of that first time, the best way to not let his fears make him foolish is to believe in himself.  If he’s sat with himself and given a lot of thought to the pros and cons of this and is reasonable confident that he can, in fact, accept and deal with the consequences of his actions, that’ll make going ahead and engaging in that first time easier… but you still have to deal with the dick, that moment when a guy learns whether his fears are valid or if he gave them too much weight and importance.

There are some who believe that men wanting to do this just do it without giving the matter any thought; those same people believe that women go for this with equal thoughtlessness and I write this to tell you that it isn’t true because there are real fears to be faced and conquered before any sex can happen.  And, yes, friends, many do conquer their fears and my favorite part of participating in someone’s first time is that moment when they realize that there was nothing for them to be afraid of.

In this and in life itself, don’t let your fears stop you from being the person you need to be.  It’s not easy but think of it as a goal to reach and see how that which you fear could be keeping you from living your life at the fullest possible potential.

In the world of man-to-man sex, it might seem as if the decision to not have oral sex with a guy is a logical, common sense decision based on the available facts even though the desire to do just that is strong and powerful.  That doesn’t come from your intelligence – that’s the emotion of fear at work and as I’ve said many times, when it comes to emotion versus intellect, intellect doesn’t always do well, which is why being in love sometimes doesn’t make sense and why we can be afraid of something when there’s no reason to be afraid.

If you’re wondering, yes, despite all my knowledge and experience in this, I can still be afraid of something I don’t quite understand but, hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Just a lot of food for thought and more so if one is of a mind to take that big step into the unknown…

 

 
33 Comments

Posted by on 28 June 2016 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts

 

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33 responses to “Today’s Bisexual Thoughts:  Living in Fear

  1. Ellen

    28 June 2016 at 14:53

    I know this isn’t directed at women, but the thought of getting naked and having sex with a woman terrifies me. I may not ever be able to do it. On the other hand, I managed to make a woman squirt the first time I touched one, so maybe it won’t be so bad.

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      28 June 2016 at 15:39

      Not precisely directed at women but the topic is still applicable because regardless to sexuality, we all experience this fear at some point and for some reason. I know why getting naked another woman scares you (not gonna mention it here) and you know the source of that fear and, as such, it stops you dead in your tracks, makes you doubt yourself, and other things that even drives you nuts with yourself.

      How do you defeat this? By believing in yourself and not letting these fears get the best of you; by changing what can be changed and having the determination to make those changes and not see them as impossible.

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      • Ellen

        28 June 2016 at 15:43

        I’m not obsessing over it. If it’s meant to happen, it will. Bye the way, did you happen to read my last post? It’s kind of interesting how your advice to me helped another bisexual woman get her groove on.

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        28 June 2016 at 15:55

        I did read it and I was terribly proud of you! It’s not a matter of obsessing over one’s fear but a question of what, if anything, can one do to not let that fear fuck shit up. And we already know that some people – a lot of people, actually, are afraid of change.

        Yes; if it’s meant to happen it will… but it’s best that you not be afraid if and when it does, wouldn’t you agree? The question that needs to be asked and examined is simply this: Why am I afraid to (add something here)? – and then ask yourself if the answer really makes sense – and then find out what it’ll take for you to minimize or eliminate that which you’re afraid of.

        Not easy… but possible.

        Like

         
  2. Jayne

    28 June 2016 at 15:04

    I think everything you said can be said for any intimate sexual fear. Knowing yourself and knowing exactly what you fear is halfway there in my opinion. Staying in that fog of just being afraid because something is scary sounds much more difficult than approaching the fear. Also – the only way is THROUGH, otherwise a fear hangs around endlessly. I think it’s critical to know that you could back out of any sexual experience when ever you feel it’s not what you want. That’s a given, right?

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • kdaddy23

      28 June 2016 at 15:48

      Yes, you can back out at any time and for any reason that makes sense to you – even if the other person doesn’t think it makes sense. In that situation – and what reinforces the fears – is when the other person won’t understand what scares you and doesn’t offer much in assurances that things will be okay.

      Like, if you’ve always wanted to sleep with another woman, have set the goal firmly in mind and have researched this as much as you can but, at the moment of truth, you become afraid of what your friends are gonna think if they found out you did this – and then the other woman gives you some grief about it (you chicken shit tease) then your fear becomes greater when what the other woman should do is to let you know that they will be discrete and this will go just fine.

      Fear begets even more fear…

      And that’s the hard part about this for men and women regardless of sexuality, really. We let our fears, real or imagined, stop us from doing what we feel we need to do and more so when we know we want to do this.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Jayne

        28 June 2016 at 16:13

        I think if you’re attempting something new, you should probably have a firm stand in your own desire, interest, curiosity, and limits of self respect just as you should know your fear, especially when and if it all goes to hell knowing that you can and will be the same person irregardless of what others think. Is it worth the costs is another question to ponder as clearly as you can before you do act. You can’t live your life according to what others think anyway. Well, I guess you can but at some point, you have to do what you’re driven inside to do. If the drive, need, desire stays at the forefront of your mind as a fear or as a need from your very soul. you must test it. How else do you know what you’re made of? I This is beyond sex for me. Fear is a directory of where you need to go. It either is headed off in this way or it lurks around like an unwanted guest.

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      • kdaddy23

        28 June 2016 at 16:32

        This is true even if you’re doing something that isn’t new. I like to ask people this question: What price do you put in your happiness? I also asks this: Who is ultimately responsible for your happiness?

        Then this: What are you willing to do to get the happiness you desire? You see, because some are willing to do anything, they are often seen as having no self respect, no concept of boundaries, stuff like that. But when we’ve complied that list of what we’re not gonna do, now or ever, we become our own worst enemy and a major obstacle in the pursuit of happiness.

        Then this: Are you really willing to totally and completely put the responsibility for your happiness in someone else’s hands and then expect them to take care of every- and everything that might be needed? Most people do exactly that and, boy, do they get a rude awakening and totally disillusioned!

        In this and many things, we are afraid to face our fears; we hold onto to them even though we know they are holding us back when we’d rather not be held back. There’s a moment, in this M2M thing, that I feel is very telling: The moment when a guy wanting to, say, have oral sex with me, faces his fears, and says (and, often aloud), “Fuck it…” and it’s on.

        It just speaks volumes to me if to no one else…

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      • Jayne

        28 June 2016 at 22:44

        What does that say to you? ( Fuck it” ? )

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        28 June 2016 at 22:48

        In this context, it means that whatever he’s afraid of isn’t worth being afraid of; even I’ve said it at times to shove whatever fear I feel to the back of the line and deal with the situation at hand… but while knowing that I still have to deal with the consequences of my actions and that doesn’t scare me.

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Jayne

        28 June 2016 at 23:03

        That’s what I thought it meant too. Trying something new is like jumping off a ledge. I hate bungee jumping but I have jumped off a ledge or two – only after careful enough consideration though. I do over-think to a point and then I say fuck it and live in the moment to get the best experience I can get without stumbling on my thoughts. I try to do it that way.

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      • kdaddy23

        28 June 2016 at 23:55

        Exactly! Not like throwing caution to the wind but if you’re gonna probably hate yourself in the morning, it’s not morning yet so why not do your best to enjoy whatever you’re doing?

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Jayne

        29 June 2016 at 00:34

        Basically, the technical logic of it is …It’s a roll of the dice in the dark on the ledge of the Grand Canyon and you’re blindfolded so dance away while you can but be careful.

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      • kdaddy23

        29 June 2016 at 00:56

        Yeah, pretty much. Another thing that I think of to diss my fears is not wanting to be in the last moments of my life and think of all the things I didn’t do because I was afraid to do them.

        One life, one chance…

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Jayne

        29 June 2016 at 02:05

        Well, I’ve had to face some hard shit in the last 3 years so I’ve pared that down to the bare bone basics of “Will NOT having this in my life matter to me on my deathbed. If yes, I keep it. If not, I let it out of my life. Maybe that thinking is what’s causing me to think about intimacy because it’s not that black and white. Intimacy takes a great deal of openness and acceptance to simply consider other colors respectfully. These words sound too formal for some interaction that can be a great rush when it goes well.

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      • kdaddy23

        29 June 2016 at 10:48

        The formality of the words cannot be avoid at times; language is too often imprecise to convey feelings which is why intimacy is also nonverbal – a look, a smile, a touch, taking a deep breath as the persons with you also takes one.

        If intimacy is sharing and someone can’t share, won’t share, doesn’t know how to share, what happens? Then, what does being intimate mean to you?

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      • Jayne

        30 June 2016 at 13:48

        Is that a rhetorical question? With your mind – I don’t think it is so I have to say that being intimate is everything we’ve talked about but the most fragile and delicate parts, to me, are those moments when either person has exposed something that can be squashed with a breath – and it isn’t…grace, compassion with a healthy side of brutal honesty at the right time but sometimes it’s also silence – shut your mouth, arms around the person and just be there. It’s like a sweater, everyone needs one but you have to find the right style and fit for you I guess. That’s why I say “I don’t know” because one thing might work for one of us but not the other. Still, grace and compassion have to be there somewhere within an open heart and head.

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      • kdaddy23

        30 June 2016 at 16:28

        The question is not rhetorical; it is key to one’s understanding of intimacy and being able to see how deep this rabbit hole really is and even how we let our misconceptions, along what we want in this, blind us to what’s intimate and, yes, even when someone else’s idea of intimacy often trashes things.

        Still, to embrace intimacy to the best of one’s ability, one cannot be afraid of it and as previously mentioned, we let our past failures with intimacy influence our need for it.

        Tell me, if you will: When you think about intimacy, what’s the first thing that crosses your mind – what you want/need or what you’re not gonna do to experience it? This isn’t rhetorical either because the answer is important.

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      • Jayne

        30 June 2016 at 16:32

        Generally, freedom to be, and what I said in my last comment.

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        30 June 2016 at 16:42

        What about specifically? And is that really all? Is it about what you think works or is it about which may be possible? Again, do you think about what you want first… or do you first think about what you’re not gonna do to experience intimacy? Hell, does both of these thoughts hit your mind at about the same time?

        Deep… and, as I learned, too deep for generalizations, too deep to merely be subjective about it. Lemme ask you this, if I may: Do you think it’s possible that people are pursuing intimacy without understanding what they’re pursuing? Additionally, is it also possible that people are after this and they don’t know why they are?

        Like I said, this is some seriously deep shit, Jayne…

        One of the things I love about you and your blog is that you write about some interesting topics that have real-life meanings…

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      • Jayne

        30 June 2016 at 16:59

        Thank you. Real life is what is interesting – even if I like ignoring it at times. That said, I thought I was specific about what intimacy is to me in how I described it. I’ve had to admit to things about me and to tell someone about something I think would cause them to move away from me is one act of intimacy. I have to trust that my admission will be handled well enough. “Well enough” may mean the person will turn and leave but I must still speak and I would do so after gathering courage (if it’s something heavy enough for courage) I also would have courage because I believe I can take the reaction – good or bad. Intimacy on my part has to start with me. Continuing to be intimate with heavier or more vulnerable sides of me or life would take me having the freedom, as I said, to be vulnerable without thinking the other person will intentionally hurt me by being callous to what I said – admitted to. Intimacy can also be as simple as me walking around naked with my dimply ass and soft stomach out. I’m being flippant but not a whole lot. I think that I personally want a generally rounded mind in someone. I don’t fit into a mold and I don’t look for that. I find the most comfort in someone who accepts diversity in all life. It’s an outlook from a solid understanding of themselves that I look for so that I can be comfortable in taking steps to trust and then be closer to a person. From there, I believe if we can relate, then I can be more intimate on details, in actions and in vulnerability which in turn builds connection and strength in love. How’s that long answer? I know you’ll have another question. : )

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        30 June 2016 at 17:08

        Of course have another question! Do you see, in your response, what you said that could inhibit intimacy within yourself and, perhaps, from others?

        Like

         
      • Jayne

        30 June 2016 at 20:50

        Yes, I see that. I’m often thinking of what it is I’m NOT saying and how that can be interpreted – especially in writing and not in person. I have to add that I was talking about the more vulnerable and therefore potentially more difficult aspects of what I perceive to be emotionally intimate.
        Am I off track here? What is it you’re not saying?

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        30 June 2016 at 22:04

        No, you’re not off-track and what I’m not saying is that if intimacy is what you desire, do not be afraid to look for it and in its many forms. It’s a look, a touch, a word, a moment, and yes, even a calculated silence can be intimate because there are some things that should never be said; the truth tends to set one free in ways they often find contrary to their desires.

        Intimacy is sharing and you decide what can be shared and what can’t be and, importantly, who gets to share with you. It can be in the form of this discussion I’ve been enjoying or as personal as a hug or even a kiss or something more carnal if it pleases you. How far are you willing to go? How much intimacy is too much?

        I dunno… but I think it would be fun to find out…

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Jayne

        30 June 2016 at 23:12

        I think we’re right back where we started – about fears keeping you back from doing something whether it be something sexual or intimate or both plus some.
        The nitty gritty for me at this point in time is that I have risked being horribly vulnerable with someone and it was excruciating and I was scared to death AND doing it felt like grating myself on a cheese grater BUT all of what I just described was my own self getting in my way. Making it over to the other side was a feat I’d like to try again. I might be my own emotional sadist. Ha! Nah, I just love it when things go as they should. That doesn’t mean it goes the way I want either. We should risk for a better self. Being closed off isn’t a better self for me. Generally, flying into the emotional things that scare me is a good thing. I’ve enjoyed our talk very much and always feel free to tell me what you think.

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      • kdaddy23

        30 June 2016 at 23:43

        Yep, we’re back at the root of all of this and I enjoy hashing things out with you and you’re always welcome to visit my blog and add to the thought processes!

        The thing that should scare us is not knowing intimacy and in whatever form it takes; we should be afraid of not loving, being loved, running from the Inherent vulnerabilities that sex can open up in all of us at any time.

        As to the reason wrote this, yep, sucking a cock or eating a pussy for the first time is some scary shit… but not so much when you find that there’s nothing to be afraid of except remaining inhibited.

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Jayne

        1 July 2016 at 00:05

        The first time I ever exchanged a man for a popsicle was when my boyfriend asked me when I would go down on him. I remember thinking … ain’t nothin to it but to do it…or something along those lines. I was comfortable enough to NOT over think with him.

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        1 July 2016 at 00:12

        Yep – sometimes, you just kinda say, “Fuck it!” and do it. My mom liked to say, “If you study long, you study wrong.” I learned that overthinking stuff is a bad thing at times, can make you second guess yourself, pass up an opportunity, and even instill a fear of failure.

        First time I went down on a girl kinda freaked me out looking between her legs; I said to myself, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained, nothing learned… and quickly found out I was scared about nothing.

        Like

         
      • Jayne

        1 July 2016 at 00:19

        If I was a guy, I would be freaked because…w h a t? But then again, there is a website where different women of different kinds who describe what they like and they even show it AND there are categories of styles… compared to even decade ago, we “Oral pioneers” could be compared to the first man to ride a rocket to the moon. We’re fucken Daredevils. You more than me for sure!

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        1 July 2016 at 15:56

        And the reason why is that I have no fears about sucking cock and eating pussy; having such fears (or resistance) severely limits the pleasure and, wait for it, intimacy I crave.

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Jayne

        2 July 2016 at 01:31

        You will not be easily swayed from your purpose, will you?

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        2 July 2016 at 07:22

        Nope.

        Liked by 1 person

         
  3. tarnishedsoul

    29 June 2016 at 12:59

    😊
    Yes, well…I’m trying. LOL

    Like

     

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