Good question, huh? The perception is that all we want is more sex and, um, for the most part, there’s a lot of truth here and so much that we appear to be one dimensional, greedy, all the usual shit that’s been said for as long as I’ve been around. What isn’t so readily seen is that some bi guys want the same things women want; they want someone they can love and to be loved, to be appreciated for more than just being a guy who “just” likes pussy and dick, or a dude who gives great head, can take a good, hard fucking, or has that huge cock that’s all the rage.
There are factions that insist that a bi guy should strive for the same things everyone else works hard for – establish a committed and loving relationship even though it’s with another guy, which isn’t so far-fetched because we are all given this goal in life: Find someone, fall in love with them, settle down with them, live happily ever after or for as long as such a situation can endure. An ideal situation but not one that accurately reflects the reality of bisexuality given that there are bisexuals who haven’t had the sex and aren’t looking to settle down with some guy either.
What we really want is to be able to openly and freely express our dual sexuality and in whatever form that happens to take shape in except the rules of monosexuality and monogamy says that we can’t and shouldn’t which gives rise to the sentiment that we should pick a side and stay on that side to the exclusion of all else even though homosexuals kinda screw things up in the heteronormative world by disregarding the “normal” boy/girl thing altogether for boy/boy or girl/girl and if that’s not bad enough, here comes those pesky bisexuals! They’re not just boy/girl – they’re boy/girl/boy or boy/girl/girl – and that takes both the heteronormative and homonormative perspectives and throws them right out the window because, presumably, we can’t and shouldn’t be both even though that’s exactly what we are.
Should we be relationship-oriented? Most of us are or, as I tend to jokingly say, that’s what women are for although, unlike some bi guys, I don’t discount the possibility of having a relationship with a guy but, ah, there is such a thing as friends with benefits (FWB) which has become its own relationship state and if ya don’t know what the benefits are, you’ve been under a rock somewhere or have isolated from society until now.
What got this writing started was my reading a guy’s post on the bisexual forum site I’m frequenting where he hooked up with this guy and has been enjoying being with him… until the author of the post started talking about taking things to the next level but his FWB lover seems to want things to stay right where they are and more so since neither of them are out publicly. This particular situation isn’t unusual in my experiences because some of us think and believe that we could never be in a relationship with a guy and that it could never happen; I thought that, too, and was proven wrong.
This bothered me: A lot of other bi guys commented on the author’s post that the author should immediately cease having sex with his lover, dump him, and move on… and I wondered why for a moment until I remembered that this is how we’re expected to behave in this situation; if Person A wants this but Person B doesn’t, then Person B needs to be cut loose for no wanting what Person A wants.
I even found it a little amazing that the commenting bi guys implied that having a relationship is a goal all bi men are supposed to seek… but then it dawned on me that even bisexual men can hold tight to the dogma that the only right and proper sex is relationship sex, making casual sex a thing to avoid like the plague.
if this is sounding familiar, it should and you already know why it does.
The question is this: Do you stand by your principles and forsake a situation because it’s not your ideal situation… or do you work with what’s available until you can get what you want? The many commenters said get rid of him; I said that if everything else has been going well except the relationship thing, why not go with the flow and enjoy the ride? You can’t assume that his lover isn’t or can’t change his mind, you can’t assume that something better is gonna come along, and you should never, ever assume that if you want a thing, the other person has to want it as well.
i had a thought that, at this time, makes me apologize to any women reading this ahead of time but the author seemed to behaving like a woman would, preferring the establishment of a committed relationship and not feeling the casual sex thing; the good thing is that there are a lot of bi guys (and others) who aren’t fond of casual sex so the myth that this is all we want gets busted even further with this guy, who is feeling the deeper emotions other than lust and I’m guessing the sex they’re having is off the hook because the author didn’t complain about it.
Even though we are bisexual, just like everyone else, we want what we want and the way we want it and, like most people, anything less than that is seen as unacceptable… and I don’t pretend to understand this mindset given that it’s not a guarantee that you’re always gonna get what you want and in the way you want it to begin with. Then again, y’all know I’m from the old school – it’s better to have a part of something than to have all of nothing. So, if I’m FWB with a guy and he wants a ore serious relationship but I don’t or can’t, does that mean giving up what we already have?
Some – maybe most – would say yes, that it’s not about what can be done but it is about having Burger King Syndrome and only having it your way or no way at all and I question is by asking again and again why we have to make things harder than they have to be? Are we being carefully and smartly selective or overly selfish in that what we want should always take priority over what someone else may want?
What do bi guys really want? To be bisexual in whatever way makes us comfortable. I don’t know about other bi guys but, yeah, I’ll take being able to have sex with a guy and to chill with him over having a deeper relationship because the sex and the companionship satisfies the minimum needs. If I felt that more can be done between us – but he wanted to keep things where they are, okay, uh, I’m not gonna throw the baby out with the bath water and especially if everything else is okay with me.
We want folks we can be bisexual with and the overall goal is not having a relationship. They’re nice but not as mandatory as even some bisexuals think it is. I might not like knowing that the only time homey wants to hang is when he wants to get laid… but that’s better than not being able to find a guy who wants to do that with me but, then again, being me, what’ll make me happy is he keeps coming back for more and if he doesn’t, oh, well, no one said life was fair, did they, and if I found him, another guy can be found given time and effort.