Those of you who’ve been following me for a while have seen me repeatedly write that theory is one thing but practical application is a different animal. I dunno… there’s this perception that anyone who’s bisexual just gets totally irresponsible and dives head first into the sex without giving it any thought whatsoever.
They’re wrong, of course, because a lot of first times never get off the ground due to the title of this writing, that moment when you learn whether or not you can really do all that shit you’ve been thinking about. It’s an expected moment – or, at least I’ve come to expect it – and it’s a very scary one and to the point that even if the first time does get started, it can have a negative effect on the outcome of someone’s first dip in the deep end of the pool.
You might think that having this kind of sex is easy; you can even crank up some porn and get a damned good look at how things are done. You can have all of this running around in your head and thinking that you can do this, don’t wanna do that, and other things that serves to, ultimately, get you ready for that first same-sex experience because it really is true that forewarned is forearmed.
Well, until you have a hard dick staring you in the face and waiting for you to get all up close and personal with it. Mike Tyson probably said it best, that everyone always has a plan until they get punched in the face and that first-time moment of truth can be like a left hook to the liver as you realize that what looked easy in your mind ain’t so easy after all. If this makes sense (and it should), then you’ll understand that other thing I say a lot: Thinking and doing are not the same things.
Every bisexual who has had their first time has also had a moment of truth and like so many things in life, it’s not that they’ve had this moment but how they responded to it and, oh, my, have I seen a lot of responses! I’ve seen guys get physical sick, have seen them break down into tears, say that they just can’t do it and (this is for Jayne) just say, “Fuck it…” and dive right in – but that can have mixed results as well, i.e., they come away from that first experience disillusioned or, as most do, realized that it wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be.
I’ve had guys (and a few gals) ask me how to handle the moment of truth… and there’s no one answer that guarantees a successful passing of that moment. I’ve told them what when their mind asks, “Wait, what the fuck are you getting ready to do?” it’s all about one’s resolve and there are only two choices: Do, or don’t do. I know there’s a horrific amount of shit that goes through a person’s mind in that moment and if that isn’t bad enough, sometimes, you literally have a matter of seconds to go through with it or to beg off.
I’ve talked to some who’ve said that when they got to the meet, they were already starting to waver because, “I don’t believe I’m gonna do this!” is doing all kinds of good and bad shit at the same time, providing the expected levels of excitement and stimulation while invoking every fear their mind can conjure up. Some say they believed that guilt over breaking the rules stopped them from going for it, while others admitted to a lot of uncertainty and even more admitted to be plain old afraid.
Now, for anyone waiting for that first time, I have to tell you that no matter what anyone else tells you, there is no real shame in changing your mind at the very last moment and if the person with you can’t understand and respect that, then maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t step off the edge. Can you expect to have this moment of uncertainty? All I can say about that is some don’t – but that’s probably because they are very determined to take that first step and take that leap of faith that it’ll turn out okay in the end – and then deal with things should they not turn out all that well.
Or, again, they just say, “Fuck it…” and go for it.
For those of you who may be in that position to give someone their first time, always exercise caution because for them, this is a really stressful and emotional moment and if you take a moment to remember your first time, that’ll help and more so if you kinda froze up for a moment. The key to making someone’s first time a good one is to remember that it’s not about what you want – it’s about what they’re willing to do and to not push or goad them into putting on their big boy pants (or big girl panties) and let’s get this going without further delay.
Maybe it’s just me but I take giving someone their first time with a lot of seriousness, compassion, understanding and, most of all, patience. For me, it’s an honor to be trusted by them and since I can never forget my first time (even though it wasn’t bad), this has to be handled delicately and with respect. I’ve written that I actually try to talk them out of it because I’ve also seen things go badly, which is why no matter how it turned out – even if it never happens – I will not abandon them to deal with this by themselves.
I had a guy make it through “the first part” of his first time, handling me sucking his dick and getting him off; he said, in the small break we took, that he was scared at first but took my advice to just relax and he was fine after that. However, the “second part” of his first time was to now suck me; before we got naked, I told him that if he didn’t think he could do it, don’t do it and when he told me he was certain he could, nope, I didn’t believe him. He got into position, cupped my balls, got his mouth mere millimeters from my dick and said, “I don’t think I can do this!”
And I said, “That’s okay; if you can’t, you can’t – don’t worry about it…” But he was worried about it (and I expected that) and I wound up talking to him for over a half an hour about it and truthfully telling him that even though I had much more experience in this as he did, there were times when I found myself not wanting to suck the dick in front of me. He asked me how I handled it and I said that I thought about it for a moment, asked myself how badly did I want to do it, then said, “Fuck it!” and just did it.
He was thinking and I sat there patiently and let him think and when he swooped down and started sucking me, it actually caught me off guard for a moment. Afterward, he was so pleased with himself and thanked me for not putting any pressure on him. Like many, though, he was concerned about whether or not I thought what he did was good enough and all I said to him was, “You made me cum, didn’t you?”
He went away from his first experience a happy camper, which is the whole point in giving someone their first same-sex experience, to not make that moment of truth a really bad moment. I won’t lie: It can be terrifying and I believe that successfully getting through it isn’t about thinking about what you want to do as much as it is always asking yourself if you feel, think, and/or believe that when the time comes, you’ll be able to do what you wanna experience. If you can’t convince yourself that you can do it, you won’t be able to.
Again, it’s why when I write about this I get as real as I can get; it looks easy but it isn’t; it really does take some intestinal fortitude to do the unspeakable and let another man put his dick in your mouth for the first time, just as it’s not all,that easy to lie there as, gasp, another dude is a split second away from eating your dick.
The moment of truth is very real and, I think, should always be taken into consideration when planning for that first same-sex experience because how you handle that will determine how well you can handle this part of being bisexual.