“So, ah, are you a top or what?”
This is one of two questions I’ve learned to expect… and not like (the other is asking me how big my dick is or isn’t) and while I understand the concepts of top, bottom, and versatile, these are labels that I actually avoid applying to myself so my usual response to this annoying (but important to some) question is, “I don’t think of myself in those terms and I never did.” It’s not a lie – I just don’t see the sense in ascribing a singular mode of behavior in this but, yeah, my behavior makes me versatile, that gray area that’s like being bisexual – in between two extremes.
So, a little while ago, I had several thoughts that, as I write them for you, might read as disjointed or irrelevant to the title of this, which I picked simply because I couldn’t think of anything more precise and specific – hey, it’s Saturday, okay? The one thing I thought about is what we learn by being bisexual, namely, almost the exact same stuff women learn about having sex with men. As I nodded to myself about this, it makes sense to me why tops are the way they are; they don’t have a problem having sex with another guy but, um, most of them just do not ever want to be “the girl” in this situation – I’ve run into a lot of tops who won’t touch the other guy’s dick and being asked to suck dick might start a fight.
It might sound fucked up but in their minds, if they’re treating the other guy like he’s a woman – the other guy does all the cock sucking and the one being fucked – well, his sense of manliness is preserved and unquestionable because, simply – and as I’ve heard some tops say – they’re not doing any of that “bitch shit” and I do apologize to any women reading this but this is how it gets expressed. It’s also the reason why it would be very unusual for two tops to want to get naked with each other since being a top means “not being the girl in this.” Tops fulfill the male-dominant role in sex while their opposite, bottoms, fulfill the female-submissive role.
Y’all might wanna fuss over the dominant/submissive terminology but I didn’t coin it – I’m just using what was determined and established way before I was even born. To continue, bottoms really and truly get to learn what it’s like to be a woman and subjected to a man’s lust, right up to what it feels like to have a man ejaculating inside them and I maintain and submit that any man who has not experienced this hasn’t really learned anything about having sex and if I’ve insulted any die-hard tops by saying this, it’s not intentional… but I stand by what I said.
I don’t know about other guys who are either versatile or “dedicated” bottoms, but because I know what it’s like to be the object of another man’s lust, it affects how I have sex with women and, at least to me, makes me more considerate and even sympathetic to what I’m putting them through. Maybe some guys don’t think this is important but I do and if women believe me to be a good lover, well, there’s a reason for it: I know what you know.
I’ve said that men are more no-nonsense about this but we are also not beyond playing the same games with each other that we’ve been known to play with women; we try to seduce each other and, yep, ladies, we will even lie like cheap rugs to get the other guy to do what we want him to do, that “by any means, fair or foul” behavior that makes women not like us a whole lot. And, like a lot of women, I get offended when I know some dude is trying to bullshit me, like it never occurred to him that I know this game and, given the depth and breadth of my experiences, better than the wannabe bullshit artist does; after all, you really can’t bullshit a bullshitter and it takes one to know one.
If I don’t get offended, chances are good I might offend the guy throwing game at me because I often find it downright hilarious listening to them trying to convince me to go to bed with them and more so if I’ve already decided not to in the space of a few seconds it took him to start kicking his game. And, interestingly, like a lot of women, once I decide it ain’t happening, nothing he’s gonna do or say will get me to change my mind about it, the one telling difference is that if he decides to call me a stuck-up bitch of a tease because I said, “Thanks, but no thanks…,” I might be tempted to break his jaw or some other very painful thing instead of just being pissed off. And, yes, inferring that I ain’t a real man because I’m not interested in you ramming your dick in my ass will be a prelude to a fight starting.
As such, I don’t like tops; I might know what it’s like to be “the girl” in this setup but I ain’t gonna be your bitch, homey; don’t ask me to do something you’re not willing to have done to you, aight? Dedicated bottoms kinda make me a little cray-cray since the ones I know don’t like having their dicks sucked and rarely, if ever, are interested in doing any pipe laying. They live to “be the girl” and I really do understand that but if this is how you roll, then you must understand that when I have sex with a woman, I’m eating that pussy – and I just might like and trust you enough to slide that dick in my ass, so…
We – bi and gay men – play these games with each other while holding very tightly to what we’re not gonna do and almost consistently behaving as if we’re not allowed or supposed to change our minds, which has the effect of making having this kind of sex harder and not easier. When we are in what I call the negotiating phase, we spend more time laying out what we will or won’t do while insisting that no time should be wasted talking about this in the first place. One guy actually told me that he didn’t give a fuck what I wanted out of this as long as I gave him what he wanted and that I give it to him right that moment and without further delay or conversation.
He wasn’t happy with me; I’m not easily intimated and I tend to react badly to someone trying to impose their will on me… but I know it’s part of the game we play with each other… but some guys don’t ever realize what we are learning about women when we play these games, namely, why they won’t fuck us because we’re being overbearing, insensitive, and a great many things that will guarantee she will never open those legs for us, which makes us become even more despicable in their eyes when we embrace foulness over fairness.
A guy can walk up to me, say hello, and then say that he wants to suck my dick – and chances are good that I’d consider it; try that with a woman… and I hope you have insurance! All this means is that men can be direct but not pushy with each other, leaving out the game… but not many of us do that because for some reason, the game carries a lot of weight and so much that some men cannot abandon it and just get right to the point and with the appropriate manners.