Those new to bisexuality have a lot of things to process and some who are not so new to bisexuality find that they, too, have a lot of things to process. As a mentor, I’m often asked what one can do to make this easier and not make themselves insane each and every day.
Some folks I’ve mentored in the past have talked about striking a balance in their sexuality but that’s the wrong process; what I suggest (and have suggested) they do is to find a way to integrate their sexuality into their everyday lives and to do so seamlessly so that the duality of their sexuality is as natural to them as breathing – you’re bisexual without consciously thinking about being bisexual.
A current student of mine constantly talks about finding balance as a fairly new bisexual man and I pointed out to him that he’s looking in the wrong direction; you find a balance in, say, your working life and your non-working life but not think of bisexuality as being or requiring a percentage, for lack of a better word. He thinks, as many tend to do, that he must establish a balance in his pursuit of both men and women and shifting that balance more toward women when what he should do is integrate those pursuits into a single pursuit and not think or worry so much about, say, having more experiences with men than with women.
Nope, this ain’t an easy concept to grasp be it can be done because I did it and I’m not the only one who has. Integration can play into the misconception that bisexuals are indiscriminate in their sexual pursuits, which isn’t true; someone who has done their version of integration realizes that if they’re looking for sex (and personal standards aside for the moment), it doesn’t matter if their partner for this is male or female. Yes, it tends to heighten being an opportunist, you know, being able to take advantage of the situation at hand (or playing the hand being dealt, if you will) but we are all opportunists and all that has to be done is to decide if one wants to take advantage of that opportunity or pass it by…
But they’re not really thinking about being bisexual in that moment or doing something like thinking, “I had dick last night so tonight I need some pussy…” – integration allows one to react to the situation at hand while balance wants to even out something that’s hard to balance, dispelling the thought that bisexuals should do things in some 50/50 kind of way. It also removes what I believe to be an automatic response, that is, thinking that being bisexual is a different thing within them when, in fact, it’s just a part of the whole of them or believing that bisexuality has an off/on switch or other such thoughts that only serve to draw lines in the sand that will just confuse the hell out of you and make things harder than they have to be.
For example, I might think, “I need to get laid!” and I might even think that some pussy would be very nice but if, in the pursuit of a lady to screw I run across a guy who wouldn’t mind being in a hot 69, okay, that’ll work and, importantly, I don’t have to think about whether it will work or not nor do I do this other thing some tend to do: Think that getting some dick is a replacement for getting some pussy. Integration says that wanting dick and being able to get it is an addition to the sexual menu; balance would suggest that I shouldn’t replace dick for pussy if it’s pussy that I want and even if I can’t manage to get some.
Sound confusing? Like I said, it’s not easy to do because it requires a shift in one’s thinking about such things but if you can stop thinking as if being bisexual as being two different sides of yourself, you might find that you can breathe easier and not have to eat headache medications like they’re candy when we ponder what, if anything, we should be doing about being bisexual… and even if we’re not able to do anything at all.
Integration doesn’t elimate one’s decision-making processes when it comes to doing/not doing; it’s more like, “If I can have a woman, fine; if it’s a guy, fine; if I can have both at the same time, priceless!” It’s not being indifferent or indiscriminate – it’s the old joke about mind over matter and if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter and the whole thought process happens pretty much all by itself – like breathing. It’s taking one’s preferences for men and women and not treating them as if they’re two different things – they just require different approaches but you’re not really thinking about that – it’s an automatic process that doesn’t require any active thought about those difference where balance requires some think so as not to upset things.
You balance your life… but you integrate things into your life and bisexuality is one of those things that works best with integration and not subjected to a balancing act. I know this sounds confusing and I do apologize if I’ve made you roll your eyes but when it comes to coping with one’s sexuality, well, this is important and, I believe, can make being bisexual a lot easier to deal with by not seeing it as something different or external to who we are…