You know what the word means by for those unfamiliar with it, an oxymoron is a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear and, for this writing, the oxymoron in question is straight guys who say they wouldn’t have sex with another man but do so anyway .
What got me thinking about this (as I count down the time to WWE Battleground) was the new “Bro” app and asking myself what is to me a rhetorical question: Why would a confirmed straight dude want to exchange blowjobs with another straight dude? We think and believe that straight dudes don’t have a reason, should never have a reason to momentarily not be heterosexual – and that’s a lot more unrealistic than we want to believe.
It’s being suggested that if “Tim,” who has been properly straight once becoming sexually active and consistently has sex with women – but allows another guy suck him off – isn’t as straight as he says he is, a school of thought that, at least in my opinion, never allows for, ah, let’s say, shit to happen or, to be PC about it, insists that Tim, for whatever reason works for him, couldn’t change his mind and make an exception. The thought here instead “Tim” is a really a closeted bisexual and that the shoe fits… but “Tim” isn’t of a mind to wear it.
As I examined my face and head to make sure I didn’t miss any spots after shaving, I wondered how many of the supposedly 150,000 men who’ve signed up with Bro are, in fact, straight and, if there are, in fact, straight guys in residence, why are they looking to establish a bromance, something that would benefit bisexual men more? Even though I know the answer to this, I can’t help running it around in my head because, compared to conventional thinking, it kinda doesn’t make sense and I try to look at this from that perspective, to see it in similar ways that those who aren’t bisexual might see it.
It does stand to reason that if there is plenty of pussy to be had, our hypothetical straight guy, “Tim,” a bromance that might include sex with his bro doesn’t make sense… but I say at anyone who believes that really doesn’t know a lot about men. I don’t know any man who hasn’t, at the least, wondered about – let’s say – having oral sex with another guy. They might think about it but as a dedicated heterosexual, nah, it wouldn’t be their idea of fun. I know that some guys have thought about it, initially rejected the notion, but are able to come up with a list of conditions that, if they were met, might make this happen… maybe.
Despite what we’ve been told, men are just as much subject to emotional lability as women can be – we are taught to hide such signs of manly weakness. Have you ever heard the saying, “A lack of pussy will make a motherfucker crazy?” There’s a lot of truth in this and, yes, if a guy gets desperate enough – and masturbation is proving to be a waste of time – well, the saying, “Any port in a storm…” is, indeed, apt and applicable.
But are there straight men hanging out on Bro and looking for a bro they can sexually indulge with, you know, in case of emergency? I don’t know; as I mentioned the other day, the app’s profiling scheme doesn’t include sexuality which actually makes sense if, say, “Tim” is of a mind to plan for a time when he can’t get any pussy, is tired of beating his meat, and has now become desperate enough to drop his heterosexual shielding long enough to get his dick sucked and his balls emptied.
Indeed, a straight guy who sucks dick is an oxymoron, isn’t it, a clear-cut contradiction in terms? I’d even go as far to say that if there’s a straight guy reading this, he might be thinking that, nope, no friggin’ way he’s gonna ever be down for some shit like that, that he’d never think of it… and I’d respectfully submit to him that if he’s decided against such a thing, um, yeah, ya did think about it and might have even said to himself that something really fucked up would have to happen before another dude would be happily slurping away on his dick, not that he’d enjoy it, mind you if such an improbable thing were to happen.
Then again, there are guys who haven’t learned to never say never; while, say, at this exact moment they’d say they’d never go there, the funny thing about the future is that there’s no way to predict what might happen; past behaviors don’t always predict future events so if our boy “Tim” has a history of being totally heterosexual, there is enough precedence to suggest that he will continue to be totally heterosexual but never accounts for Mr. Murphy to potentially put some shit into the game.
I’ve learned not to think badly of straight dudes who want a guy to blow them, just as I’ve learned not to openly question their sexuality; if “Tim” wanted me to suck his dick (with or without reciprocation) and maintains that he’s still straight, okay. If “Tim” keeps coming back for more of the same, eh, okay, is he still as straight as he’s claiming or is he just being a guy and merely being opportunistic in taking advantage of a situation where the means justify the ends? Or is there something about “Tim” he’s not that all too willing to admit to anyone including himself?
At the end of any day, whether “Tim” is really straight or a closeted bisexual in some kind of denial doesn’t really matter; the oxymoron doesn’t mean a whole lot because of another old saying: “Boys will be boys!” This is just one of those things that make you go, “Hmm…” and dodges a truth about some but not all guys: If a guy can get another guy to suck him off and no one will ever find out that it happened, okay…