“Do you know what your problem is?”
“Problem? What are you talking about?”
“Your problem is that you care too much about the guys you have sex with.”
“What? So I’m just supposed to have sex with them and if they have issues afterward, I’m supposed to ignore them and act like it’s not my problem?”
This is a snippet of a conversation I had many years ago with my wife at the time and after spending about two hours talking to a guy I’d given his first experience to. At that time, I was well into my habit of giving the person who wanted to end their curiosity a severe and serious talking to, up to and including trying to dissuade them from jumping off this particular cliff.
He had come to me for this because a mutual friend had recommended me – I’d given him his first experience as well – and this guy made it clear that he was told that if there was one person who could be trusted to make that first time a good and memorable one, it was me. I was flattered and honored by that recommendation and I then proceeded to make this guy a little angry because he expected to put the offer on the table and it was gonna happen instantly.
I had assured him that it would happen… but not until I was convinced that this was something he really wanted and needed to do and when he asked why that was important I said, “Because I’ve seen what happens to guys when no one bothers to explain what they’re about to get into.”
I spent the next hour or so talking to him about this, delving into the very private parts of his life and asking questions like when did you first start feeling that this was attractive, exciting, necessary? Is this the first time you’ve tried to make it happen? Had he ever seen it happen outside of porn? Did he understand that this was a life-changing event and that this wasn’t just about some mutual cock sucking but it was gonna impact his reputation and his self-image?
He asked why I was making such a big deal out of this and I explained that when I had my first time, this kind of conversation never took place and that after it was all over with, I was left to deal with my thoughts and feelings by myself. I explained that while that didn’t mess me up and that I got through it, I’d seen too many times when guys had issues right in the middle of whatever sex was taking place and if not then, major issues would crop up after the fact.
That and I felt it would be wrong for me to do what was done to me, that it’s better to make an informed decision rather than to make a rash and emotionally-driven one. Finally, there was nothing left to say, no more questions asked, no more answers to be given – it was decision time for him and he decided that, yes, he had to do this… so we did it… twice, as a matter of fact. Then came the most important thing I could tell him: If you get home and find that you’re having some issues about what we’ve just done, call me, okay?
I knew he was gonna call. Even though he had convinced me that he wanted and needed to do this, there was just something about our conversation that experience had taught me would have him calling me and sooner rather than later… and the call came an hour and a half after he’d gone on about his business.
The bottom line here is that he called, we talked, and he was okay afterward and we even hooked up a couple more times. Still, this was a period of time when I was really noticing how many guys were taking the plunge and doing so uninformed and figuring that they knew what the deal was, like thinking it was a no-brainier to pull your dick out and let another dude suck it until you busted a nut. Some believed it was easy to be the one doing the sucking, just like some didn’t believe that having a hard dick shoved into your ass for the first time was as easy as making sure a lot of grease was used.
More often than not, a lot of guys discovered they were wrong and that had someone taken the time to really explain the ins and outs, maybe they would have deferred their decision to dive in and maybe decide that the payoff wasn’t worth the investment. I’ve written in the past that I’ve been with guys for their first time and have seen them just lose it – and that’s with me telling them that in the moment of truth, yeah, you can still get seriously fucked up.
Breaking the rules isn’t always a simple as it sounds. This time period was one where the watchword was still, “If it feels good, do it!” but because there was no such thing as bisexual mentoring, you just didn’t know that in order for it to feel good, you have to be able to do it in the first place. For some, doing the deed with a guy wasn’t a matter of being indiscriminate; it was more of a matter of being irresponsible and not making sure that the guy you wanted to have sex with really wanted to or even could do it and more so since, even back then, if you said you were gonna do it but then chickened out, well, your rep would be severely and truly trashed; what you didn’t do will be held against you in the court of life and sex.
It always made me feel good to talk a guy out of doing this when I could see the signs – and signs it took me a while to learn – that if he went forward with this, he’d be making a big mistake and I’d just tell them that thinking you wanted to experience this wasn’t the same as being able to do whatever was being thought about. Some of the horror stories I’d heard were really horror stories, guys being pressured into the sex by having their courage/manhood challenged, not being told about what was really gonna happen – like making the guy think dicks were only gonna be sucked… and then the clueless finds himself getting an eight-inch erection shoved painfully into his ass.
I realized that such things weren’t gonna happen on my watch, that when I was dealing with a guy who was inexperienced with this short of all the bullshit going around about it, I’d tell him what I had learned and hope that he’d benefit from being guided to making the right decision for himself… and, yes, so that if/when imhad sex with him, I could do so with a clear conscious because I gave him real-deal, real life information and without any sugar added.
Even today, there are many who would benefit by having someone actually give a shit about what being bisexual is all about, both the good and the bad of it; I read about so many bisexuals who want to take the plunge but have no idea what to do, how to do it, or even really understand why they feel the very strong urge to engage in unconventional, forbidden sex. These men and women are easy prey for those who seek to slake their own lust at their expense, maybe thinking what the newbie doesn’t know ain’t gonna hurt them and that it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… or, really, being more concern with themselves and not giving a flying fuck about the other person and the potential damage their selfish, careless, and thoughtless behavior can cause.
Not on my watch. Not if I can help it, not when I have decades of experience and had to learn things the hard way that I can share and even if the guy decides to go ahead and have the sex wth someone else. At least he’ll take the plunge being as informed as I can inform him and even then they go away knowing that if they need to talk about it, call me.
This quote says it best: “I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
Etienne de Grellet