Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Splitting Hairs

18 Aug

While checking my email this morning, I saw something – a forum post – that made me frown and ask the cat, “What the fuck?”  It also kinda amazed me that in a time where sexuality labels are severely being hated on, bi guys are, apparently, not content with labeling themselves as top, bottom, or versatile.

Now guys are saying they’re top/vers or bottom/vers.  It took me a moment to (a) remember where and when I saw this distinction before and (b) what it possibly meant… because I hadn’t had my first cup of Folger’s yet.  The gist of it is that “Greg,” a bisexual man, is a top – but he’d situationally be a bottom, kinda like those folks who say they’re socially bisexual or bisexual with the right person.

And I wondered if this trip is really necessary and if saying that you’re versatile would be enough to, say, open negotiations so that the specific details can be put onto the table.  Some time ago, I wrote about how we tend to draw a lot of lines in the sand re sex and sexuality and that some of the lines we draw are superfluous and maybe even a tad bit too nit-picky and by doing so, we make this a lot more difficult and confusing than it has to be.

Yes:  It is important that when we come to terms with the fact that we are bisexual, we must then figure out how we are, you know, what we wanna do, how we wanna do it, and even who we wanna do it with.  At some point, we decide if being a top, bottom, or versatile gets the bulldog fed for us… but once we decide, eh, we then kinda/sorta assume that we can’t change things up conditionally or situationally.  Indeed, we decide top/bottom/versatile based on what we’re most likely to do “in the majority of times,” let’s say and for lack of a better way to say this.

But if your a bottom who would, occasionally top a guy – let’s say four out of ten times just for the sake of this part of the discussion – wouldn’t it be simpler to adopt the versatile label instead of always having to launch into very detailed conversations to explain why you’re a bottom who also likes to top?

I guess not, since a lot of guys are beginning to make this delineating distinction, drawing one more line in the sandy landscape and a landscape that’s littered with lines.  I’m not saying guys who use this distinction are wrong to do so but I’m the guy who’ll ask if this trip is really necessary and wonder if the KISS principle should always been applied first so that bisexuality is less confusing.

At the end of any day, the labels are just reference points because a guy is gonna do whatever he feels like doing, even if it’s something he wouldn’t “normally” do.  It is assumed that because of what the labels mean, two tops couldn’t possibly have sex with each other any more than two bottoms could; like things repel, opposites attract – just like that science experiment with magnets.  According to the hype, tops don’t suck cock but they do… depending.  The hype also says that bottoms don’t fuck but they do, too… depending.

I even mentioned to my protege this morning that a lot of bi guys tend to stereotype themselves and lock themselves in cages of their own design by assuming that once a top, always a top and pretty much dissing the thought that a situation could come up where they don’t want to be a top.  I pointed out to him that we get consumed with what we want to do and not so much thought given to what can be done and that some kind of inherent inflexibility can make all of this… interesting.

For instance, I was negotiating with a declared bottom a while ago (read this as a lot of years ago) and I liked his attitude re sucking dick and I said to him that I’d be good with that as long as I got to blow him – you know, you do what you like to do and we happen to like doing the same thing so… – and he kinda freaked out and started explaining to me what it is bottoms do and don’t do (and like I needed it explained, which I didn’t).  So he said no deal and I respected his decision… but he turned around a day or two later and said that the deal was acceptable but wasn’t initially acceptable because the guys he usually dealt with were never interested in giving him head.

There’s a danger in overcomplicating the whole top/bottom/versatile thing and opportunities to please and be pleased are often missed so I’m kinda waiting to see how this top/vers and bottom/vers thing works out for the guys who identify in this way.  Maybe it’s just another way we self-justify our sexuality or just another way to add yet another layer of complexity to something that’s already seen as being horribly complex.

Does this make it easier to have sex… or harder?  Labels should only identify, not isolate or restrict… but what do I know?


Posted by on 18 August 2016 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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4 responses to “Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Splitting Hairs

  1. tarnishedsoul

    18 August 2016 at 16:04

    As you are well aware, I used to be one of those people that were overly concerned with the definition of who/what I am. I think I am at a place now that I simply know what I enjoy and I don’t over think it too much. I think I have come to a resolution on what I enjoy and what I prefer, but I’m not so closed minded that I don’t realize that there is some fluidity…it’s somewhat inevitable and I think I allow the situation to dictate which direction I would go. Ultimately, if I like the person I am with, then I’m going to do the things that are enjoyable; and if I do not like the person I am with, then there is really nothing that will yield enjoyment.
    Truly a thought provoking post.


    • kdaddy23

      18 August 2016 at 16:12

      Thanks; we are first and foremost creatures of habit and once we establish one, it’s hard to change it, including the way we have sex. I just don’t see a real need to overly complicate an aspect of, ah, interpersonal relationships that’s already quite convoluted.

      We can even be yin and yang in our endeavors – dominant with women, submissive with men (and vice versa) and this, too, is fine but there’s no rule that says once we get in a niche we have to stay there and more so when a given situation coils be made better by change.

      I still think it’ll be interesting to see how this new label works in application…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. emdimensional

    18 August 2016 at 19:10

    I’m not sure the measuring stick should be “what makes it easiest to get laid” but rather “what makes me happiest and is authentic to me.” Quantity rarely equals quality.

    To make the topic relevant to me, as a submissive does it “complicate” things for me to be specific about the kind of person I want to submit to, and the ways of interaction what authentically work for me? Yes. It narrows the field. But those that remain are people who I would be compatible with. The ones who are eliminated by my being complicated or picky wouldn’t make me happy anyway, so I don’t lose any sleep over the fact that they know we’re not a match. It saves me from wasting my time and theirs.

    I find that especially in marginalized subgroups, the less we judge each other for our choices, and the more we embrace authenticity and diversity, the better. We don’t all have to be the same. I’d like to think of our communities as embracing of what makes us who we are because we get enough misunderstanding, hiding and judging from the culture at large.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kdaddy23

      19 August 2016 at 12:49

      Well, for many bi guys, the fuss comes when they bitch about now being able to do what they want to do and I know that we make this harder than it has to be. We get stuck in a single mode of behavior – that which feels authentic to us and all that – and we rarely, if ever change and more so when we run into a wall.

      Once a bottom, always a bottom… and guys accept this and it’s not a given. Guys will think, “Maybe I need to do things differently…” then they don’t but continue to wonder why things aren’t going as expected.

      If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… but some bi guys accept that if it is broke, don’t fix it and I question this; if you could change something to make things better, why not change it? Why make things harder than they have to be for yourself? It’s self-defeating and, yep, I’m the bi guy who will point that out.

      Loved your thoughts on this! There’s a correlation between how men behave in this and your D/s world. The one big difference I’ve seen so far is that bottom guys – in the female/submissive role – are in this role not because they want to be – they believe that they have to always be in this role… and that’s not true. Some guys are made to be bottoms even if it really complicates things for them but they won’t effect a change that would make it all easier and better for them.



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