I was off on yet another trip for a hazardous materials seminar and DOT hazmat recertification and the first session was grueling and chock full of new regulations and other governmental claptrap that when that first day was over, shit, I needed a drink… or three… or maybe four. Back at the hotel, I chowed down before heading to the hotel’s bar for a bit of my favorite hair of the dog when one of the guys I’d seen at the session – let’s call him “Jim” – came in looking just as frazzled as I’d been feeling. He saw me at the bar and came over; after ordering his favorite doggy hair, we started talking about how intense the opening session was and dreading what was to come over the next four days.
We’re having the usual kind of conversation – where are you from, who do you work for, stuff like that, when we heard some kinda loud voices; we both looked and saw maybe five or six guys from the seminar. As they headed for a booth, I said something like, “Seems like we weren’t the only ones needing a drink!”
But Jim looked… uncomfortable. I started to ask him what was wrong but also thought it wasn’t any of my business but I couldn’t help but notice that his mood had changed as we continued to talk and nurse our drinks. The longer we sat there, the more uncomfortable he got and, call it being nosy, but I finally asked him what was wrong. At first, he said, “Nothing…” but the look on my face told him I wasn’t buying it. I said to him that if it was something he didn’t want to talk about, fine but his mood was turning into a buzz kill.
He sat there for a long moment thinking before he finally asked, “You see the guy in the blue T-shirt?”
“Yeah, I see him – what about him?” I replied.
To shorten this a bit, Jim took about fifteen minutes to tell me that when he arrived at the hotel the day before the seminar, he had found himself sucking that guy’s dick after what he called “a few drinks.”
“You must think I’m some kind of weird freak, huh?” he asked, his face, ears, and neck still an interesting shade of red.
“No, not really,” I said with a shrug. “It happens… but I’m guessing you’ve never done anything like that before.”
“Nope,” he said. “I mean, okay, shit happens and, in a way, I’m not surprised that it did,” he said.
“I hear a ‘but’ coming,” I said with a smile.
He laughed and said, “But I didn’t expect to like it.”
I shrugged and said, “Believe it or not, a lot of guys try it for whatever reason and are surprised that they liked it and because they did, well, yeah, that can be bothersome.”
“How would you know?” he asked, giving me his best challenging look.
“How do you think I know?” I asked, waiting for the light bulb to come on over his head – and it did.
“Really? No shit?” he asked.
“None whatsoever,” I replied. “And before you ask, I’ve been doing it for a very long time so, um, I kinda know what I’m talking about.”
Jim looked relieved but his discomfiture was still in place; he finally said that he was very worried that the guy in the blue T-shirt was gonna blab about what took place the night before.
I shrugged and said that if the guy had blabbed, chances were good that those dudes at the table with blue T-shirt would be giving him some very funny looks right about now.
“Can I ask you something?” he said after draining his glass – I nodded assent.
“Why did I like sucking his dick?” he asked after ordering and getting another drink. “I’ve never had any fantasies about doing anything like that!”
I allowed that the answer to his question wasn’t an easy one and more so since booze was involved, explaining how alcohol can lower a person’s inhibitions and get them to act on stuff that, normally, they wouldn’t even think of, let alone do. “You found yourself caught up in a moment where taking him up on his suggestion of sucking each other’s dick sounded like a good idea and a fun thing to do,” I said. “Nothing really unusual about that – again, it’s been known to happen – nor is it what I’d call unusual to find a guy in a similar situation as you were in to really get into it.”
“Now, most guys would have a problem after the fact; they know they did it, know they liked doing it, but now, whew, everything they knew about sex was just severely challenged. Most guys would almost instantly tell themselves that they didn’t like it and work hard to make it stick in their minds so that, for one, they don’t wind up in a similar situation down the road and, two, to keep from admitting to themselves that they sucked a guy’s dick and had fun doing it. It seems to me that you had that moment when you had a real chance to think about it and managed to admit to yourself that you did it and liked it, even if you don’t really understand why you liked it.”
“Wow,” Jim said, shaking his head. “Your answer makes me think you’re reading my mind!”
“Nah,” I said while crunching on a pretzel. “I just happen to know how this can work, that’s all; like I said, you’re not the only guy who has ever wound up in this situation and the resulting processes are pretty consistent. Now, before you ask, it doesn’t mean you’re gay; it doesn’t even mean you’re gonna do it again or even want to. The best way to deal with this… event is to just accept that you did it, you liked it, and tomorrow’s another day.”
“But what if I get juiced and want to do it again?” he asked, shifting on his stool.
“That’s up to you, Jim; you might wanna do it again when you’ve had one too many… or you might not,” I answered after a moment of thought. “I mean, if it bothers you that you might get toasted and get an urge to go on a cock sucking spree, um, ah, don’t drink so much that you get that toasted.”
We sat in relative silence while Jim absorbed my words to him. Inwardly, I sighed because lord know how many guys I’d talked to over the years who found themselves in the exact same situation and under the exact same conditions; some were totally freaked out and very few of them were able to process things in a way that didn’t leave them an emotional mess.
“But I really liked sucking his dick,” Jim said, his voice so low I almost didn’t hear him. “He was sucking my dick and, um, that really felt good, too, but the thing going through my head was how good his cock felt in my mouth and when he came, jeez, I felt like I’d died and gone to heaven. Is that normal?”
“That depends on what ‘normal’ means to you,” I said. “But that reaction isn’t unheard of, if that’s what you’re really asking.”
“I don’t understand how you can be so calm about this,” he said after sipping his drink.
“Nothing to be upset about,” I said with yet another shrug. “You suck a guy’s dick, you learn that you liked doing it, and like I said, you just accept the two things and, if you can, move on. You can’t change what has already happened and while you might decide somewhere down the road that you didn’t like it, that kinda doesn’t change your initial feeling of liking it – and, usually, your first thought is the correct thought. I can be calm about it because I got my head around this a long time ago so, at least for me, it’s no big deal.”
Jim shifted on his stool, knocked back the contents of his glass and belched before turning to me and saying, “I don’t know what to do about this.”
“Unless you decide that you wanna do it again, there’s nothing to do,” I said. “The real questions you need to ask yourself and answer are do you want to do it again and, if you can, will you do it?”
“I’m not sure that I do,” he said with a sigh.
“Look, man, for now – and if I were you – I’d be getting my head screwed on about getting blown by another guy, blowing him, and liking both things. Also, if I were you, yeah, I’d think about whether or not I’d do it again or even want to – but I wouldn’t be thinking about it while under the influence, if you know what I mean.”
“I’m not drunk!” he blurted out.
“I know you’re not… but remember what I said about booze lowering your inhibitions? It can also affect the way you think about something so if you’re gonna think on this, do it when you’re nice and sober,” I said. “It’ll make more sense to you that way.”
“But what if I decide I wanna do it again once I’m nice and straight?” he asked.
“If you do, you do,” I said cryptically. “It’ll be up to you to decide because I certainly can’t and won’t tell you that if you really did like it, you should go do it again. I’m not gonna lie to you – you could think about this and decide that doing it again is a great idea, even if to prove that you liked it the first time… or you can decide that even though you liked it, it’s not worth the hassle of doing it again. I don’t know you like that so, no, I really can’t tell you what you should do one way or the other; if you do it again, fine – if you don’t, that’s fine, too. And, no – before you ask, asking me what I’d do isn’t going to answer things for you.”
“You’re not making this easy,” he groused with a smile.
“It’s not an easy decision to make or even think about,” I said while thinking about whether I wanted another drink and deciding I didn’t. Besides, tomorrow’s class was starting at eight and it was now approaching midnight, an indication that tomorrow was gonna be a very long day.
“So, um, you wouldn’t be surprised if I said that I’m feeling like I wanna suck your cock?” he asked quietly – and as if the noise level in the bar would allow his question to be heard.
“Wouldn’t surprise me at all,” I admitted. “But before you decide to proposition me, ya might wanna think this through and decide if this is what you want… or it’s the booze talking.”
I waved to the bartender and settled up my tab as Jim sat there thinking about what I’d just said and maybe even wondering who or what was doing the talking in this moment. I shrugged to no one in particular, patted Jim on the shoulder,and told him I’d see him in class in the morning and left the bar, shaking my head in a sad way as I stepped onto the elevator.
In a way, I was both happy for Jim and quite sad for him; happy that he got to experience something some guys never get – or want – to experience, sad because he was now in the position of having to decide what, if anything, should be done about this; not only was it a lot to think about, I couldn’t think of anything that would come close to just how complicated thinking about this is. I knew it can be so daunting that it can make a guy’s brain just shut down and refuse to give it any more thought and, really, the major headaches that can take place are enough to make most guys not want to think about this. The hard truth, as I understood it, was two-fold: Either a guy was gonna do it again… or he wasn’t and making that decision usually isn’t an easy one.
The rest of the sessions went well; I passed the recertification tests and flew back home to take up the yoke once more and earn a living. I didn’t talk to Jim about his “problem” again but I did wonder, for a short time, what he decided to do going forward…