There’s something I’ve noticed over the years and something I was just reminded of just moments ago as I perused the bi guy forum: Some guys really believe that there’s some difference between what they might have done as a youngster and things they might do, let’s say, past the age of 18. They’ll call it fooling around, experimenting and I’ve even heard guys state that in their youth, they’ve given another guy some head but didn’t know what they were doing but it sure was fun. And I’ve asked guys who think like this, “What makes you think something you did when you were 13 is any different from what you did last night at your current age?”
One guy said, “I didn’t know about the word bisexual…”
I replied, “Neither did I but that didn’t change anything. I ain’t busting your ass, man, but I’m just curious because you’re not the only guy I’ve run into that thinks that there’s some difference between then and now; if only one guy had said that, I probably wouldn’t pay much attention to the subject but I’ve heard a lot of guys say that, ya know?”
I had a theory of sorts – it’s a coping mechanism, a little spin in our thinking that draws a line between then and now. Growing up, not having sex with anyone before you were old enough was number two on the list of Things You’d Better Not Do, with having sex with another boy holding the prime position at the top of said list – which didn’t stop too many from doing it anyway. Granted, a guy who got into doing it to girls early on – but also did some stuff with boys – might not have known about the word “bisexual” and if they had heard it in passing, wasn’t aware of what that meant – and that goes for guys who might not have done anything… but the feeling was stomping all over them like they were grapes for wine. The admonishments against this aren’t just about doing it – you’d better not even think about it so if you were thinking about it even in a rudimentary, instinctual kinda of way, little warning lights could be going off inside your head.
I felt that because we tend to get a pass on things we do when we’re kids (unless it was something very serious), yeah, I can see how some folks could look at this differently and that bible verse about childish things and putting them away comes to mind except, um, giving your friend “Billy” a blow job and him giving you one (with or without sperm being involved) isn’t exactly what I’d call a childish thing. Can one really claim youthful ignorance in this? I dunno… maybe one could plead the fifth in the sense that they might not have known of the consequences of what they were doing but could they really plead the fifth if they did, indeed, spend some time sucking cock, engaging in mutual masturbation, or even experiencing moments of intercrural sex at the least, all-out anal sex at the best?
The phrase, “Ignorance of the law is no excuse” comes to mind and a phrase that I always thought was kinda fucked up and more so if you have any idea how totally confusing the law is even to lawyers. But it means that whether you know it or not, there are laws – it’s just bad juju because you usually don’t find that out until you break a law you really didn’t know about. So, um, if you were told not to do things like this, were told of some kind of penalty if you did, and you did it anyway, can you really say you didn’t know? Does that mean if you and your boy “Joey” spent a lot of time sucking each other’s dicks when y’all were 13, that’s somehow different from sucking some guy’s dick today?
If there’s a difference at play here, I’ve not seen it. Now, we can get into a discussion about peer pressure, the effects of the onset of puberty and that incredible rush of testosterone that can slam into us like the proverbial Mack truck – and they are quite valid… except if a guy was doing things before puberty ran them over. I’ve heard guys say that they did it once and never did it again and that makes it different because, in their minds, maybe they believe that doing it once at summer camp when they were twelve – and that they’ve not done it again – somehow means it never happened.
The human mind is a damned peculiar thing, isn’t it? One guy on the bi guy forum actually said that before he was 15, he’d done it several times with boys (as well as with girls)… but that it didn’t mean anything… and I blinked real slow like, not because I’ve not heard this one before but because there are guys who still use this “excuse” to put a wall up between that which they did then and what’s on their minds about it now. I’m thinking that if you were out behind the wood shed and working your dick in and out of “Pete’s” mouth and ass back then, yeah, it sure as hell had meaning and even more so today when you’re expressing a great desire to do that exact same thing – and the sooner, the better, please and thank you.
It’s psychology and I don’t ever claim to be an expert in this field but even a blind man could see that when it comes to this, there’s something not quite right at work here. I think some of it really is about how we, generally, tend to treat the past as if it never happened. What I don’t get is how a guy could, at the least, have the feelings associated with bisexuality way back in their day, have those feelings today, and believe that there’s some difference going on; I don’t get how a guy could discover back when he was 14 that getting screwed in the butt was a fantastic experience but, in the here and now, desperately wants get screwed in the butt… but not see or acknowledge that the only difference between then and now is that, back then, it was probably fairly easy for them to get screwed but, eh, not so easy today.
Does age really play into this perception of difference? On the one hand, okay, sure, “Bert” might have been into diddling boys and girls and before he was, say, 16, and, sure, he might not have known about the word bisexual; some of the guys on the forum expressed the thought that they might have been gay – but that’s before they knew the word “bisexual” existed… but does not knowing what that word meant really establish a difference in what was actually done? Even I admit that I was up to my pretty brown eyes doing things in the bisexual mode before I even learned there was such things as a bisexual mode and I clearly remember saying to myself upon that discovery, “Oh, that’s what I’ve been doing! Wow!” The real difference? I now knew there was a word for it and a word I hadn’t known of… didn’t change or excuse what I’d already done did it?
So maybe a lack of knowledge could be seen as a defining difference, that not knowing that if you’re feeling some kind of way about boys and girls – or actually doing the nasty with boys and girls – it’s bisexuality… but does that lack of knowledge really excuse what, if anything, really happened. Some truly believe it does and I’m not sure if this is some kind of defense mechanism our brains activate when we do something we might have known we shouldn’t have done (or thought about) or it’s some form of plausible deniability that draws that line between now and then. I’m not saying that people who do this are doing something wrong by saying what they did in their youth in this regard is different from what they wanna do about this as an adult – I just find it horribly interesting to see people still drawing that line and many decades after I first heard of such a thing. Yes, a big difference between then and now is, using myself as an example, what I know and, yup, I’ve found myself saying at times, “If I knew then what I know now…” and then kinda slapping myself because, um, I didn’t know then what I know now… and I was still very much doing it just the same. Other than what my adult self knows, what’s really different, then?
Beats the hell out of me. I’m not a fan of “actions speak louder than words” because when it comes to bisexuality, we tend to say that this isn’t the case, using our words to insist that whatever actions we took at the time (and, yes, that includes even thinking about it) had no meaning whatsoever or loudly insisting that just because you did it way back when doesn’t mean that you’d do it today but glossing over the fact that if you’re saying this, it doesn’t ever change the fact that you did it – even if you could claim ignorance over the specifics of whatever you did then that you wouldn’t do now… or even what you might really and secretly want to do in the here and now.
Gives ya something to think about, doesn’t it?