Cityman sent me a link to an article about guys who are acting like Frank Ocean (whoever he is) and, apparently, are in denial over really being homosexual and not so much bisexual. The author of the article went on to start spewing what I call “the usual bullshit” and trying to sound as if he knows for a fact that all bisexual men use bisexuality as a stepping stone to homosexuality, that these men hate labels and, um, just because he slept with them, that’s somehow definitive proof of their homosexuality. He adds some “changed names” conversations that, taken at face value, could be spun up in various ways to make the author’s point he alluded to in the beginning of his article.
I feel a rant coming on… and y’all can blame Cityman for it.
Is bisexuality like a gateway to homosexuality? Yes, it is for some people and, in particular, those folks who are very much up in the air about their sexuality and trying to find their place. I don’t find it unusual (but it is annoying) that in 2017 there are still homosexuals out there who keep insisting that bisexuals aren’t really bisexuals and that all of us should stop faking the funk and admit that we’re gay – and I mention this particular thing because for me, this mindset isn’t as recent as you might think since I’ve been hearing this all along.
Do bisexuals dislike being labeled as bisexual? Yep, many do and because they feel that the word is too limiting, doesn’t accurately reflect their thoughts and feelings about sexuality, stuff like that. Yes, I’ve seen some label haters write about why they wouldn’t use the word to describe their thoughts, feelings, and even actions… but they’re not hating on the word because they’re really homosexual because if they were truly homosexual, I’m sure they’d find a way to avoid using that label and come up with a clever way to state their homosexuality.
When the author asked this one guy he “interviewed” about why he sleeps with men and women, the guy told him, “I just like to fuck…” and the author, along with some other person, got offended by this statement. So, is it true that some bisexuals are bisexual because they like to fuck? Um, yeah, it’s true, just like it’s true that some bisexuals just do not want to be bothered with same-sex emotional issues. It seemed to me that the author felt and believed that if you’re supposedly bisexual and you can feel love for the opposite sex, then you should feel the same for the same sex. Not that this can’t happen – it just doesn’t happen by some kind of default. The author felt that this man’s statement was some kind of indication that he was really avoiding having to confess his homosexuality by saying, “I just like to fuck…” and while one could spin this statement that way, chances are good that the man he was talking to meant exactly what he said.
“Hearts, not parts” is a noble sentiment but not wholly realistic. Yes, some bisexuals care about hearts and if that’s what works for them, cool… doesn’t mean they’re hiding their desire to be homosexual. It also seemed to me that the author totally discounted how some folks can be about sex, i.e., sex doesn’t have much meaning to them if there isn’t a level of affection in place or, as I was told growing up, never have sex with anyone you’re not in love with. “Hearts, not parts” is really a statement about and even against casual sex and, yes, while folks know it can be done “just because,” casual sex doesn’t really fit in their standard operating procedures. This particular sentiment isn’t just about sexuality – we’ve always had a thing against casual sex and, indeed, religion preaches about the sin of fornication, doesn’t it? If a married woman is banging her man three times a day, every day, well, that’s the way it’s supposed to be… but if an unmarried woman is doing the exact same thing, well, she’s a whore, a slut, and just plain old wrong. If a man is laying the pipe to his woman like there’s no tomorrow, yup, he’s doing the right thing but if he’s unmarried (other otherwise unattached) and he’s banging every woman he can get into, well, he’s a low-down dirty dog, isn’t he, because the only “proper” sex is relationship sex, right?
Then there’s this: Back in the beginning of his writing, he makes the statement that all bisexuals are really homosexual and, right off the bat, I know he’s wrong because I know that I’m not really homosexual and I have a truckload of reasons why I wouldn’t want to be all homosexual all of the time. It stands to reason that I’m not the only bisexual who shares this sentiment so, yeah, this is more bullshit written by a homosexual who has a dislike for bisexuals and, even as Cityman once said, that’s because bisexuals undermine the homosexual agenda something fierce. Things like “straight privilege” and even the word “biphobia” were first coined by homosexuals who have reason to not like bisexuals and for all the well-known reasons why some (not all) homosexuals don’t like bisexuals.
Is it true that some bisexuals worry about really being gay? Yes, it is and not because being gay is that bad of a thing… but they’re thinking about the angst that still exists about homosexuality; calling someone who’s straight or bisexual “gay” or a “faggot” – and they know they aren’t either thing – is still considered to be offensive and, wow, I’ve seen some epic violence jump off so, yeah, it’s a point of concern for newbie bisexuals and even I had a moment when I wondered if I were really gay so, nah, that this thought will cross a bisexual’s mind isn’t what I’d call unusual. What should be kinda/sorta obvious is that if a straight person goes to being bisexual and stops right there, um, it’s because they’ve figured out that being bisexual is what works for them.
The one glaring thing I’ve seen in such writings is that the people who write this stuff seem to only look at what someone does… but doesn’t bother with why they’re doing whatever they might be doing. So, yeah, there are some homosexuals who hold true to “actions speak louder than words” and that’s really the wrong way to look at sexuality issues because without the words that describes why “Alice” is sleeping with both men and women, it’s way too easy to take her actions out of context by saying, “Well, she sleeps with women so she must be gay!” The truth is that the only homosexual thing “Alice” is doing is sleeping with a woman and the fact that she’s also sleeping with men just gets glossed over and dismissed as if this has no importance… and I’d have to guess that if you’re homosexual and you have reason to take issue with bisexuals, ignoring this fact only serves to make your case.
And they say we’re in denial about some stuff? Please…
Our history as a species is rife with cat fights over sex and sexuality; there are heterosexuals who fervently believe that this is the only way to be and homosexuals who have the same fervent belief and, sure enough, along comes these damned bisexuals who, by their actions alone, throws a wrench into the works and serves to debunk the ideals of the other two “camps.” We’ve always believed that if you’re not straight, then you must be gay… and that was never true but this mindset gives you an interesting insight of how narrow-minded humans can be and a penchant to always think in absolutes, like, the glass is either half full or half empty but not paying much attention to the fact that there’s still something in the glass to begin with. It sadly highlights another of our not-so-good points, that being, if you’re not like us, you’re against us. It’s not really unusual that there are some homosexuals who feel this way – they are human, after all. Here’s one more thing that speaks to the hypocrisy some (but not all) homosexuals display: You give us shit about not being wholly like you, point out every little nitpicking thing you don’t like about us but, ah, some of you don’t seem to have a problem with us when we choose to go to bed with you.
A gay man I had sex with said to me, after the fact, that I should stop wasting my time with women and come over to his side (not like I’d not heard this one before) and I gave him a deadpan look (and that wasn’t easy because I wanted to laugh and that would have been rude) and said, “The women I have sex with don’t think I’m wasting my time…” As I got dressed, he was stomping around the room (naked) and telling me everything he thought was fucked up about bisexuals and as he did so, I was thinking that it was a good thing he wasn’t talking to the younger version of myself, you know, the version who would take offense to such a dialog. He continued to rant and rave; I was a greedy, confused, and conflicted motherfucker and a shitty person to boot.
“You didn’t say that five minutes ago, did you?” was the only thing I said… and I wish you could have seen the look on his face after I said it.
PS: Now, one could say that when I write about being bisexual, I’m encouraging folks to be bisexual… and you’d be quite wrong about that. Being bisexual works for me but does not mean it works for everyone and, honestly, I’d be pretty stupid if I believed that it would work for everyone which is why there are times when I write about this, you’ll see me write something like, “Um, if you can’t do it, don’t do it!” It’s why when some folks ask me if they should give bisexuality a try, I’ll ask them, “Why?” and then say, “You could if you wanted to, but…” then tell them why straddling the fence might not be a good thing for them to do. That’s because I know that not everyone has what it takes to be bisexual, that being bisexual calls for rearranging a whole lot of things in your life and that it’s really not easy to rearrange those things. Like I told Cityman during a conversation we had a few days ago, having the sex is easy; dealing with the ramifications and consequences is anything but easy by comparison and, no, having the sex isn’t really all that easy either.