I thought that I’d revisit this emotional state and write a bit about how guys who are on the verge of disillusionment but who are also determined to dive into the pool can become desperate enough to do it with the first guy who’d agree to do it. It sounds reckless, doesn’t it? Sounds as if a man who’d go this route has stopped thinking and is in some primal, reactive mode? Eh, there is some truth to this but it’s not the whole truth because guys who get to this point have been thinking about how to get this done with an intensity that could equal calculating pi to the last decimal point because getting it done is almost always on their minds.
In my many conversations with guys who have acted out of desperation, they’ve almost universally said, “I didn’t know what else to do! I’d tried other ways, but…”
It could be said that acting out of a sense of desperation is a sure way to make a regrettable mistake… and sometimes it is but, again, in my many conversations, that’s been a rare thing. What I’ve learned – and for those folks who think bi guys are unthinking and indiscriminate sex fiends – is that a guy actually goes through his version of a logical progression, incorporating “who, what, why, where, when and how” into his thought processes but finds that things have degraded from his “ideal situation” to “I’ll take the next offer that comes my way.”
On the surface, acting in this fashion doesn’t make a lot of sense, that if it’s worth doing, it’s worth waiting for and that it’s better to err on the side of caution. But this level of desperation isn’t quite the same as other forms of this emotional state and, in part, you can blame a man’s need to have sex as a motivator. Again, not all guy will feel the desperation and “mindlessly” act; I’ve talked to guys who have admitted to feeling this but also recognize that there could be serious repercussions if they spontaneously act – so they don’t… but it’s not as if they don’t want to and, pun intended, desperately so.
When I write about these emotional states, it’s to illustrate how difficult it can be dealing with one’s bisexuality as well as pointing out (once again) that if it’s true that bisexuals tend to suffer from mental illnesses more than any other demographic (which, by the way, I don’t totally buy into), well, this is one of the situations that can add to one’s mental stresses. I want to bring into the light something I think I said yesterday while scribbling, that actually having the sex is, by comparison, easier to deal with than sorting out all the stuff that’s going on inside one’s head and most of those things are negative emotional contexts, like fear, disillusionment, frustration, and desperation.
And while one can learn to get past these things, the strength of their desire – and it being one of the more stronger emotional states – can make a guy impatient and get them talking to themselves: “I know I want to do this; I know I can do it… so why the hell can’t I make it happen (or why isn’t it happening)?” When guys have asked me this question, I can only shrug unknowingly because chances are good that I don’t know everything they’ve tried to do and if I happened to know that information, wow, man, sounds like you’ve been following your plan to the letter so I really don’t know what’s going on here except to say that, sometimes, shit never works out the way we want it to.
Sometimes, you just gotta say, “Fuck it…” and just do it, kinda like throwing caution to the wind but, nah, not really because most men who are at this point aren’t about to take this step because they don’t know what they’re about to get themselves into; if anything, what they don’t know is how it’s all gonna play out but, then again, who really does? In this, there’s the way you’d like things to happen and, as you’ve already guessed, there’s how the reality will play out and that might not be the same as what is preferred.
I know that some men, being their own worst enemy, will wind up facing desperation because they’ve let opportunities to dive in go right past them – but not because the timing wasn’t right so much as the opportunity that presented itself wasn’t really the one he had in mind. When guys have told me this, I’ve asked, “So why didn’t you do it with that guy? He seemed willing enough, didn’t he?” And what I’ve heard in response, while not invalid, has made me roll my eyes – and without actually doing it (which hurts just as much as doing it for real). For instance, one desperate guy turned down an opportunity because the other guy didn’t have ten inches of dick to be sucked. One guy told me that he had turned a guy down because the dude wasn’t circumcised, only to find out that one of his boys got with this dude… and the sex was all that and a bag of chips. Yet another guy was on the verge of a desperate act because none of the opportunities he passed on included men with six-pack abs and GQ-model looks. Hell and damnation, one guy told me that he passed on an opportunity he came across on his way to meet with me… because the guy was shorter than he was.
Yeah, if you’re kinda chuckling to yourself, so was I.
If a guy is feeling the weight of desperation on his neck, instead of suffering through the pressures of being desperate, he should chill for a moment and think about how he wound up being desperate in the first place and more so if he discovers that he’s spent more time turning down opportunities than he has considering them and by that I mean figuring out how to make that opportunity work for him. It’s actually kind of rare that a guy can live in a locale that is totally bereft of men who enjoy sex with other men; chances are such men are deeply ensconced underground and out of plain sight… but they’re there just the same, maybe not in amazing numbers but The Closet is rather deep. When desperation rolls up on a guy driving a decrepit 1948 Studebaker and wants to give him a ride, well, um, don’t accept the ride; instead, take a moment to review things and see if there’s anything that can be adjusted or changed because if there’s something desperation doesn’t like, it’s a positive attitude and hope.
I’ve talked to guys who have succumbed to desperation and, after the fact, they’re feeling some kind of way because, usually, they did what they wanted to do but not under the conditions he wanted to or even the type of guy he wanted to do it with. Because I learned that an ideal situation is nice, not every situation is going to be ideal and I’ve said to these men, “Okay, I get that… but you did it, didn’t you?” and they’ve said (wait for it), “Yeah, but…” They’ve gone on to say that what they did wasn’t bad… it just wasn’t in accordance with their ideal situation or, usually, their ideal person. I’ve said to these guys – and before they start to worry themselves sick about it – that perhaps they could feel a different way if they focused on the pleasures of the act more than the person performing the act? Yeah… that usually gets into a discussion about attraction and chemistry but as I had asked the guy who turned down that opportunity because of a height difference, “What difference does it really make if the dude was shorter than you? He wanted to 69 with you, that’s exactly what you’ve been saying you wanted to do… but you let the fact that homey was a couple of inches shorter than you are put you on the verge of committing and act of desperation? How in the hell does that make any real sense?”
I saw, once again, how logic never seems to fare well against emotions because he predictably said, “Yeah, you’re right, man, it doesn’t make sense… but.”
But what? Just like with disillusionment, the moment you start putting a slew of conditions on something, you’re pretty much cementing the fact that you’re gonna fail. If there’s a trick to avoiding desperation, it’s in reducing the number of conditional things that’s been put in place. It sounds crazy but, ideally, you want to make it easier to get laid like this, not harder – but when you get all conditional about it, well, if you’re beginning to feel frustrated, disillusioned, and/or desperate, it’s not the environment that’s the source of these messed up feelings. We’re not fans of failure… but if we never fail, then we never learn what it’s like to succeed. Sometimes, we find it necessary to abandon the original plan and activate Plan B and even subsequent plans in order to keep desperation at bay and, yeah, sometimes, ya just gotta say, “Fuck it…” and get it done and then make it a point to enjoy it.