I took a quick trip to the bi guy forum to see if anyone was saying anything interesting and came across a post written by a guy who shared his first bareback experience with the membership. But this isn’t about that guy; it’s about the comments given; some members congratulated the post’s author on this accomplishment, one guy brought up the usual concerns about the potential for STDs, but many more commented that they’ve wanted to try being barebacked, can’t find the right guy for any sex at all, and similar comments.
The comments got me thinking – and not for the first time – of the sheer sense of disillusionment many men (and probably women as well) feel when they’ve decided they want to straddle the fence and see if there’s any difference between the grasses… and it just can’t seem to happen for them. Men who are married, well, any disillusionment they may feel is understandable; kinda hard to go play with another guy without shattering your vows to your wife and, yes, in case you may have forgotten, guys in a relationship but not married are subject to this same source of disillusionment.
But it’s the unattached guys who, for many reasons, wind up being unable to pull the trigger and convert their fantasies and dreams into hot, steamy reality. I saw the title of a post – but didn’t read it – where the who wrote it entitled it along the lines of, “I might as well just give up trying…” and such sentiments always makes me wonder what are the things that keep someone from doing what they want and need to do and how failing to resolve whatever’s holding them back leads to being disillusioned. Other than being married, the number one reason seems to be not being able to find the right guy, followed by a disdain for casual sex, followed by what I can only call a fear of disease and, yes, many men wind up being disillusioned because they fear that once they lie down with another guy, the whole world’s gonna find out he did it before he even gets his clothes back on.
When I’ve talked to guys about being disillusioned, I can encourage them not to give up until I turn blue in the face but I’ve found that once a person winds up with disillusionment draped over them like a wet, moldy blanket, no amount of encouragement is going to change their minds once they feel they’re pursuing a lost cause. I know they feel as if there’s some great conspiracy taking place to prevent them from taking the plunge… but I’ve found in most cases that if there’s a conspiracy, they’re essentially conspiring against themselves; I’ve seen a few guys actually go out of their way to thwart their plans to experience another man and I asked one guy why he was making up shit to ensure he was never gonna get some dick.
“You know, I just find it peculiar that you’re telling me how much you want to do something with another guy but you keep throwing a box of wrenches into the works of your own machine,” I pointed out to him.
“I just know I gotta give up trying to find someone I can do this with,” he said, looking as if someone had stolen his lunch money. “Every time I think I can, something always happens or something I didn’t think about before crops up!”
I had asked him to list some of those things that cropped up and one of them was along the lines of he was gonna meet this dude for sex but just before he was about to walk out the door, a telemarketer called and wanted to sell him something. Yeah, if that has gotten your eyes rolling like crazy, you can imagine how mine were rolling when he said it. I don’t know if he ever pulled the trigger or not but, clearly, that guy was just making up excuses to keep himself from doing something he insisted had to be done… and I’m not sure how that makes any sense except, um, maybe he really didn’t want to do is as badly as he thought? I dunno…
So how does one go about not being disillusioned in this? One, never say never because unless you’re clairvoyant, I’m pretty sure you have no idea what the future holds. After asking about and listening to the standards some men have, wow, it’s no wonder you can’t find someone to do it with and while it’s okay to have preferences, if you set the bar too high, um, guess what’s not gonna happen? If a guy has issues with casual sex, well, damn, unless you can change your point of view about this, disillusionment is going to pay you a visit. Guys get disillusioned in this because they’ll run across another man who seems perfect for his needs – but then discover that “Mr. Perfect” wants more than just to have sex. Or, gasp, they think that they might fall for a guy and being emotionally involved with another man just isn’t on their list of things to do. It makes me write, once again, that you can’t do anything about the way you feel – you can only do something about how you might act on those feelings… and you sure as hell can’t control what someone else is feeling, can you? This is one of the occupational hazards involved and while it’s something that can be avoided, there’s also a good chance that the law of averages will eventually catch up with you and, of course, there’s Mr. Murphy to consider: He’s likely to toss an emotional entanglement your way and simply because you’re trying to avoid one.
Sigh. I see these men write about how badly they want to experience sex with another man so badly and see what they write about how and why they’ve not managed to accomplish this and with the exception of guys already hooked up in a relationship, it doesn’t seem to me that their reasons for not playing with a dick are insurmountable like, can’t find the right guy? Maybe they need to redefine what or who “the right guy” can be. I’m not saying or suggesting that they don’t have a right to want what they want and in the exact way they want it but if they stick to this and then become disillusioned, well, isn’t that their fault for not being more flexible?
And what I’ve found, when I talk to guys about why they can’t get going with this and how disillusioned they are, is that logically, they can understand how, say, holding out for a specific kind of guy is a sure way to not get that experience they want… and they say, “Yeah, but…” – or you explain to them how they can get busy and minimize their exposure to something nasty, ask them if they understand it (not that any of it is that hard to understand) – and they say, “Yeah, but…;” when you start putting a lot of conditions into a situation, yeah, you’re pretty much giving disillusionment an engraved invitation to come and totally fuck up your wet dreams…