I was in the moment, happily and busily sucking on the hard dick in my mouth and not only being flooded by those sensations but the extra sensations of being, ah, vigourously sucked. In such moments, time doesn’t behave properly; sometimes it speeds by impossibly fast, sometimes it gets incredibly slow and it’s all because of being intensely focused on what’s being done in the moment.
He’s getting close to cumming – well, so am I and my focus was momentarily broken by being surprised that I hadn’t already, given the aggressive way he going at me. Ah, yes… I can feel the tremors racing along his shaft, feel and taste the increased amount of pre-cum on my tongue and if I do this right now, he should…
Yes! He’s shuddering and shaking, cussing and, important to the moment, flooding my greedy (yes, I did use that word) mouth with salty spunk… when I heard a “voice” say, “You know you’re gonna burn in hell for this, don’t you?” It’s not that I’d never heard this before and, normally, it would have distracted me but, ah, let’s just say that I found myself in the same situation as the guy whose dick was now getting soft in my mouth, but minus the verbal outbursts, okay?
Not for the first time, I thought about that burning in hell thing, albeit after the fact and how troubling that thought was. After all, I’d broken a top-level taboo by sucking that guy’s dick as well as being sucked by him – and then compounded the violation by doing it all over again and, yes, despite hearing that voice in my head practically screaming at me to stop breaking the rules unless you want your immortal soul to be in eternal torment.
When I contemplated this later and the voice in my head asked why I did this (not once but twice, mind you), my answer was, “Oops!” and I probably don’t need to tell you that The Voice of Morality did not find my answer amusing or satisfactory and, for being so blatantly flippant, it sent me on a guilt trip that, I guess, was supposed to cow me and make me toe the line going forward… not that this ever worked.
This time, however, I found myself distracted by wondering if I would really wind up being a crispy critter in whatever hell I could be consigned to in the afterlife and for an unknown amount of time, I was genuinely worried about that… until the “no bullshit” part of my mind pointed out that, um, you’re not dead yet, are you?
Obviously not… but this is something that bisexuals (in particular) worry about, the issue at hand being whether or not they’re really doing something horribly wrong if they’re thinking about getting into this or if, as I had, just got finished thumbing my nose at The Rules of Moral Behavior. Again. Did I mention that I thumbed my nose twice this particular time?
One of the questions I strove to understand early on was, “How can something that feels so good be a bad thing to do?” and, no, not in the sense of having a bad experience – those are never fun, are they? Yet, there can be a clusterfuck of a problem rattling around inside your head like a BB in a tin can because, on one side, there’s The Rules that prohibit such behavior and, on the other side, there’s the sure and certain knowledge that if you’ve broken the boy/girl only rule, um, you couldn’t possibly be the only person who’s broken that rule.
Some people get deeply conflicted about this as the battle between what they believe and reality comes together (no, not a pun) and, yes, it can cause one to experience severe bouts of depression that require hours of therapy and dealing with the effects of medications designed to combat depression. Then again, some folks, when faced with this moral dilemma say to themselves, “If God didn’t want me to be like this, I wouldn’t be like this!” and, going forward, accept the risks of their behavior under the auspices of YOLO – You Only Live Once so ya better make the most out of the time you have.
Someone asked me what I thought was a good question: What if when you die, you find out that you really do have to stand in judgement for what you’ve done? My answer, after really thinking hard about it, was twofold: I’ve got some explaining to do and, um, yeah, my ass just might be in a lot of trouble. The person who asked the question thought I was being a smart-ass about what they thought was a very real and serious issue but, no, that was simply the answer I came up with and I further made that person miffed when I asked, “But aren’t our sins, whatever they may be, already forgiven because Jesus died on the cross for us?”
“And didn’t God give us free will?”
Yeah… they didn’t like having their argument of moral righteousness used against them. But, as I also explained to them, it’s not like I don’t know what The Rules are; I just opt to not pay much attention to them at certain times. Yes, it’s a conscious decision to do so and exercising my right to free will and all that and, really, just because you’re not of a mind to commit a Rules violation where boys having sex with boys is concerned, that doesn’t mean that someone won’t be of a mind to shatter the rules like a cheap piece of glass.
Some believe that bisexuals are totally ignorant of their wrongdoings and that’s not true; they believe that we tread upon a path of immoral thoughts and behaviors without considering the possible consequences of our actions… when, in fact, our awareness of this contributes itself to those severe bouts of depression I mentioned earlier in this rambling. Our awareness can make us question and second guess ourselves and, yes, sometimes, that internal conflict can be so complicated that we just “shut down…”
Or find ourselves saying, “Oops!” a lot and, um, usually after the fact, as it can turn out. Or like one guy told me, “I might hate myself in the morning… but it’s not morning yet!”