Saw a posting on the bi guy forum where the OP wrote a kind of mini-poll that basically asked when bi feelings were felt and what’s been done and in various – and to me, typical – fashions. A few guys responded but as I looked at them – and because I still find it quite interesting to see how guys respond to such questions – it also reminded me that bisexuality isn’t always about what we do or haven’t done:
It’s about why we do this or that and even why there are so many people who know they’re bisexual and haven’t done anything about it. One of the things I keep seeing as I read things about bisexuality is a continued focus on what a bisexual does or what a bisexual is “supposed” to do or how we’re supposed to behave… but few of the things I read ever speak to why and when something does, it tries to generalize something that in my opinion cannot be generalized and more so when people who walk the path of bisexuality are on that path for their own unique reason. Yes, it is true that one can quantify those reasons – there are patterns to this and patterns that a lot of bisexuals do, in fact, share.
I could spend the next hour or so writing down all the reasons that I know of and even that wouldn’t begin to scratch the surface of why people are bisexual – there are too many things about this that there are no words for. One of the most difficult things for me is, in fact, trying to answer the question, “Why are you bisexual?” The answer, at first, tends to come out as, “I just am…” but it’s not really that simple – that’s just my mind looking at the whole thing and it’s just too complicated to put into words because a lot of being bisexual goes on in the parts of one’s mind where words cannot exist; they’re impressions, for lack of a better word, intangible things that one is very much aware of but human language is incapable of parsing. It’s like you do something when you’re a child and your parents ask you why you did it… and your answer is, “I don’t know!” when, in fact, you do know why you did it.
You just can’t explain it because there are no words to explain it. Bisexuality, in trying to qualify and quantify it all, is like that. It’s not that you don’t know because you do… but explaining it to someone? Have fun with that – and don’t take too many headache pills while you’re trying to do it.
I was reading something yesterday, an old NY Times article about trying to scientifically explain bisexuality and, specifically, male bisexuality… and that, in and of itself, is something I find troubling because the generally accepted belief is that because men aren’t supposed to screw around with each other, then it seem improbable that they’d want to. Throughout the article, it rehashed all the known stereotypes that, at least for me, have been around longer than I’ve been around, rehashed the issue of abject and wholesale denial, even talked about the notion that unless there’s a same-sex relationship at hand, one’s bisexuality could be questionable. It spoke to some political kind of agenda to get all bisexuals to come out and how many organizations were springing up to facilitate this mass coming out party that some folks believe is necessary…
But the article, at least in my opinion, didn’t say one word about why people are bisexual. Other articles I’ve read talked about the sex – and anal sex, in particular – and from how unhealthy it can be (pulling the disease card) to even an assumption that all men who have sex with other men have anal sex. Some talk about this “strange” notion of straight guys engaging in oral sex with other straight guys and how those guys will insist that despite giving each other a blow job, they’re still very much straight. All of this stuff says to me that we – on the whole – are more concerned about what guys might be doing with other guys than they are why guys are doing it, let alone why guys, throughout the history of humankind, have been doing it to each other all along. To that end, the focus toward bisexual men always seems to be on the homosexual side of their duality… but little attention is given to the fact that, um, bisexual men also very much love women and love having sex with them. Again, I think this continues to play into the “fact” that men having sex with men is just a thing that should never be done, which is insane since it’s pretty damned obvious that it is being done.
And these various researchers don’t seem to be asking why a guy would find reason to step away from being sexually or even emotionally involved with women and be this way with men as well… and if they are asking about the why of this, I’ve not seen anything that speaks to the many reasons why yet. It’s been my opinion that human nature itself is being overlooked or somehow discounted, like our biology and evolutionary process couldn’t have possibly played a role in this early on in our existence as a species. It just seems to me that whatever actions we may take in this as bisexual men has drawn a lot of attention because our long-standing social contract has stated that homosexuality is an aberration and in violation of “the natural order of things,” so I guess it’s being presumed or even assumed that bisexuality is a further anomaly that shouldn’t exist because what man would find a reason to be so involved with both men and women?
One of the things I point out to the guys in the bi forum, when such discussions come up, is to stop always looking at what we do with each other and thinking that this will explain male bisexuality; we must look at ourselves and ask questions that will speak to why we’re the way we are and more so for those men who’ve yet to act on this. It’s not that guys like sucking each other’s cocks or fucking each other in the ass – it’s kinda obvious that these things can be done but to understand our actions better, maybe it’s just me but someone needs to ask why… and, again, maybe it’s just me but I think the answer is a lot simpler than it appears to be.
And if we – generally and as a whole – really want to understand male bisexuality – we need to look with better eyes; we need to stop trying to apply heteronormative values to something that is, at best, a very poor fit because even by definition, bisexuals are both straight and gay… and neither at the same time. Every man who identifies as bisexual – and even those guys who’d swear on a stack of bibles that they’re not bisexual – knows why they are and, yeah, even for those guys for which bisexuality seems to have landed on them out of nowhere. Are the reasons for male bisexuality social or are the real answers to be found in a closer look at the nature of the beast?
Better people than myself are needed to look into this and find the answers then report to everyone that male bisexuality isn’t as weird or as strange as it appears to be… and the answers aren’t gonna be found in what we do.
Oh, and before I forget, the article I read did mention bisexual women in one brief sentence but that sentence had an air about it that as far as bisexuality in women is concerned, eh, it’s no big deal. I read the sentence and my first thought was, “What the fuck? If y’all can admit that women are just as bisexual and that this isn’t really a big-deal social problem, why is it so hard to accept that men can be and are bisexual?”