As men, we’re used to playing “the game” with women, striving to prove ourselves worthy of them and in every way imaginable. One of the things I’ve been seeing in the world of M2M is a similar game being played between men. Once upon a time, when a guy wanted to have sex with another guy, he’d gird his loins, approach the object of his lust, and ask him if he’d be interested. The other guy would say yea or nay; if yes, they’d go somewhere and do something – but if no, well, that could get interesting but more often than not, it was pretty embarrassing and depending on the guy you asked, um, it could be painful and I don’t mean emotionally.
Once upon a time – and with the exception of some gay men – guys interested in sex with other guys weren’t quite looking for a boyfriend but, okay, if the dick was good, perhaps we can get together again at some point but if not – and because life has a way of just fucking up a thing we want to do – that’s cool, my man – we had fun, didn’t we? Indeed, a lot of men jumped onto the M2M wagon because they saw that while you had to play a bit of the game to get into a guy’s underwear, it wasn’t nearly as involved as trying to pick up that hot looking babe sitting at the bar or asking the woman you see everyday where you go to lunch if she wants to go out this weekend. Among younger men, it was as simple as asking, “Hey, do you wanna do it?” and as long as the guy you were talking to wasn’t one of your enemies, it would either happen or it wouldn’t… well, it might not happen right at that moment because some guys did want to do it but they were just afraid to do it at that moment.
The game began to get… complicated. Instead of a couple of guys getting together and doing whatever they felt comfortable with doing, guys started getting more specific about what they wanted to do and who they wanted to do it with; some guys seemed to have never learned that you can get more flies with honey than with vinegar and their version of the game was along the lines of them having the right to bone the daylights out of you any place, any time, and they weren’t gonna accept “no” as an answer. I always thought that this aggressive mode came from a couple of things, one, how it’s comparatively easy to bed a guy versus a woman and, two, the assumption that if you liked playing with dick, then you should never, ever turn down a chance to play with one – and the assumption was, in part, warranted because, sure, once a guy found out that playing with a dick was fun, now it’s all about playing with as much dick as one could get away with.
In that segment or time space, it wasn’t about being a good-looking hunk, having a stunning personality, a good job, a car, etc.; things went from, “Hey, let’s do this because it’s nasty and it’s fun!” to “Me Tarzan, you Boy – you bend over and spread cheeks – me give it to you real good and you can’t say no!” Then HIV/AIDS came along and changed the face of M2M sex; now a guy had to be more careful about the dicks he played with; it wasn’t good enough that a guy was energetically willing to ditch his boxers for some illicit sexual fun; now guys had to be looked at in greater detail and more so when, um, it wasn’t unknown for men to lie like a rug in order to get someone to have sex with them, right? Somewhere along the line, it began to make sense that if you could find one guy (maybe two for variety’s sake) who you could trust to be healthy, well, wouldn’t that be a good thing and lessen the chance of something bad happening?
Sure it would! Now the rush for having a fuck/jerk/suck buddy or, really, a FWB, was on. The guy had to be interesting enough to be friends with and if they indulged in some hanky-panky every so often, well, what are friends for? The bro-job, well, that’s a slightly different animal; FWB kinda implies what the benefits are while the bro-job is “merely” helping a guy out when he’s in great need or, in case of emergency, blow me, dude! While it’s easy to confuse the bro-job with the FWB status, uh, let’s not get them confused because you really don’t have to be friends with a guy to give/receive a bro-job – ya just gotta be in the right place at the right time and under the right conditions.
Then guys started getting picky; it wasn’t enough that you knew there were guys who, um, wouldn’t object to some guy-on-guy fooling around; it wasn’t enough that you could befriend a guy and the friendship develop to the point where some fooling around kinda/sorta made sense – I won’t tell if you won’t, okay? Indeed, a lot of guys were getting clowned for having a bromance with another guy; they got along so well that they just had to be doing each other! Not always true but as you’ve known me to say, perception is often believed more than the truth. Men started to get really and seriously specific about the kind of man they’d want to have sex with and, I’d have to say, almost on a par with how picky women can be – but not for the exact same reasons. Nope – now if a guy wants to get with a guy, there’s a hard-set criteria the other guy must meet along with the mandate of an immediate emotional connection; if you’re not gonna be into me, don’t bother to talk to me. If you’re not the right age, body type, have a nice butt and a big dick, just keep moving. And, oh, yeah, if all you wanna do when we meet is get naked and have sex, that’s gonna be a problem; we should be able to hang out and do other things that has nothing to do with having sex.
Where in the past guys would prefer to avoid anything that remotely resembled a relationship in the traditional sense, more and more men seem to be insisting on those conditions and, yeah, even the guys who’d tell you that they couldn’t have a “real relationship” with another guy. The specter of exclusivity is hanging out big time and what was something that didn’t require any monogamy in the mix now seems to require it… and with all the emotional impact that goes along with it, namely, if you’re sleeping with me, you’d better not be sleeping with anyone else and the only exception here is if one or both guys are married to women because, you know, that bit of business still has to be taken care of lest you wanna face a woman’s wrath and all that. Guys are now assuming that the once convenient FWB thing is more like a committed relationship and the game is afoot big time and, at least in my opinion, making it harder for a guy to get some dick today than it was at any time in the past.
Some guys play the game to the point where it’s so complicated and exacting, it makes trying to get a woman into your bed look easy. When a FWB offer in on the table, it’s not just a matter of convenience for two like-minded guy; nope, now we’re talking dating and in the traditional sense; we’re talking about setting conditions and requiring guarantees of fidelity if you wanna get at this dick/ass and, I might add, all under the guise of ensuring one’s safety and health. Which is all well and good, mind you but not the whole truth of things. Even my protegé often “complains” that there are a lot of guys who act more like women these day in that they’re super picky, they put a lot of conditions on the table, and exclusivity is both expected and required – and right along with meeting exacting physical requirements.
It’s not that NSA sex between men has gone away – it’s still quite alive but, I think, now taking a backseat to a bigger objective in the game; while there was a time when two guys weren’t of a mind to make their sex “relational,” – let’s keep it casual and without all that drama – now it’s all about it being relational (and with all the drama included) and being casual about it, well, ain’t gonna happen, homey; I actually heard a guy say that he respects himself too much just to have sex for the sake of having sex and most guys these days do say that if the sex isn’t going to have any meaning, they’d rather not be bothered… so guys are playing almost the same game with each other as they’d submit themselves to trying to get a woman (for sex or a relationship). And guys are being silly about it, to make things worse (and for lack of a better word).
I heard of a situation where two guys were having a long distance relationship and only seeing each other maybe once a year. One guy had a royal hissy fit because he thought that his distant lover was cheating on him and having sex with local guys and that really and seriously upset him. Now, ya might be thinking, “Well, what’s the problem? Sounds like he had a beef with the other guy!” And I hope you didn’t think that because, as it turns out, the guy having the hissy fit about his distant lover cheating on him has been, in fact, hitting the dick with a great deal of regularity. Yep, you read it right: Homey was getting bent about his distant lover cheating on him… while he was cheating on his distant lover. And as crazy as that sounds, here’s the thing that gets kinda overlooked, i.e., if you’re not in a relationship with someone, how can you cheat on them?
And keep in mind, I’m not talking about a gay man having issues with a bisexual man – I’m talking about this happening between bisexual men. See, with women, the game is usually cat and mouse or, perhaps a bit more accurately, a game of chase; but this thing I’ve been seeing between men, again, doesn’t resemble the game of chase we play with the ladies and, as I’ve allowed, has changed the face of the game between men, from making it a stupidly easy thing to do to making it almost impossible to play and is, most likely, the main reason why there are so many men sitting on the bench and waiting to get into the game: They’re not gonna do it unless exacting, precise, and conditional requirements are met and/or exceeded and without exception or additional negotiation; we’re either gonna do it this way or not at all.
This version of the game has gotten so… muddied that there are a lot of guys moaning and groaning about not being able to find a guy to play with; while some guys do live in a “dick desert,” it seems kinda impossible that a guy could, say, live in New York City and not be able to find a single guy he can have sex with both easily and discretely. But when you add in these “new” elements to the game, yup, now it makes sense why some guy is saying that he’d kill to suck a dick but he can’t find a dick to suck… and that’s because these guys are playing the game with the bar set so high that they could be in a room filled with guys who like sex with guys… and they couldn’t get any dick.
And I’m wondering if it really and truly makes any sense to be playing the game like this. I often have a hard time trying to figure out why a guy would say that he wouldn’t – and couldn’t – date another man… but he’s not gonna sleep with another guy unless they do, in fact, date each other and if they do, say, meet for a beer, coffee, whatever, it is somehow implied that there will be no sex at the first meeting… unless there’s some instant chemistry and maybe not even then. And if this sounds familiar, it should – it’s the same thing we go through when we manage to get a woman to go on a date with us and the conditions that she will set for that first date. They say that in the time it takes for you to walk up to a woman and say, “Hi, are you ready to go?” she’s already made up her mind if she’s gonna sleep with you or not. In the M2M version, there’s a push to avoid the casual nature of such a decision, not without certain guarantees and getting through some seriously nitpicking details; for example, I once heard of two guys who would be perfect as FWB… except it didn’t happen… because one guy didn’t have the required and mandatory nine-inch, uncut dick with shaved pubes and balls.
The game we need to be playing with each other in this is a game that provides a level of trust and safety but also makes it easier to get the dicks out, get them hard, make them soft, and repeat as necessary… and that’s not what we’re doing. The game used to be so easy and you had little trouble finding a guy who’d want to play with you and with few conditions, oh, like, don’t cum in my mouth, don’t stick it in my ass too far and, most important, I won’t tell if you won’t since, you know, appearance/image is everything.
It now reminds of that “Application for Sex” joke that tends to pop up every now and then… except men aren’t joking about filling out that application fully and truthfully and even if you do, chances are your application will be rejected and further negotiation of terms will not happen. At this point, I don’t know – or I’m not sure – if this is a good thing or not. Is it good that there are more men willing to play with another guy’s dick? I’d say it is… but is it good for us to play the game in a way that we pretty much guarantee that playing with another guy’s dick isn’t going to happen… and getting some dick is what we feel we need in our lives?