I find my mind returning to this notion and mostly because I find it so utterly fascinating, not so much in how some guys are behaving but what their behavior seems to be indicating in the grand scheme of things sexual. My initial thoughts were that people seem to think that bisexuality is radically different from the way people “normally” behave when, in fact, it isn’t – the only difference is the direction – or directions – one’s lust and/or romantic interests is pointed and bisexuality, speaking generally, is that middle of the road thing that’s between being totally straight and totally gay.
Was on the forum a few minutes ago and looking at some new responses to older threads like the one about having sex with someone you don’t know all that well and the fact that there were guys who were all for it – and preferred it – and guys who weren’t so much for it really stood out to me and gave more weight to my own thoughts about what being bisexual can be about other than bumping uglies in the same-sex mode.
I’ve been saying that in this, men are funnier about it than women can be, not because I find male behaviors in this to be funny in the humorous sense (although some of it is hilarious) but, without insulting anyone, some bisexual men aren’t really all that different from women when it comes to who they want to get involved with and what that involvement should look like. Let me see if I can put this into a context that’s understandable…
There are men and women who just wanna have sex and scratch that itch because, um, it needs to be scratched and it’s fun to have it scratched and if there’s no other or deeper interests in the works, that’s fine but this mindset is also one that has historically given men a very bad reputation because, generally, we’d rather hit it and get in the wind rather than to hit it and hang around… unless the sex is all that and a bag of chips. Men get called dogs, women are labeled as sluts and all because they prefer to answer this call of nature, nothing more, nothing less.
Then you have those men and women who have, for all intents and purposes, bought into the reason for having sex and a reason that has nothing to do with the biological imperative to have sex, namely, love and affection must be involved before giving up da booty. It goes back to the thing I heard and was told growing up, that being, you never have sex with anyone you don’t have feelings for and doing it just for the sake of doing it – and because it can be done – well, don’t even go there.
In either case or scenario, men behave one way, women behave in other ways and depending on why they wanna get laid; this doesn’t mean that there’s no… selectivity going on, though. In one camp, the person who gets to hit it just has to seem to be competent enough to get the job done satisfactorily or, sometimes, just simply be in the right place at the right time while in the other camp, the person who gets to hit it has to, in some way, prove themselves worthy to have access to our body in this way.
Are you with me so far?
So, on the one hand, NSA sex is preferred by some, while relationship sex – or, let’s just call it “strings attached” or SA sex – is mandatory and preferred by others. Historically, men are more NSA, women more SA and there’s a shitload of reasons for this that, for this scribble, I’m not gonna get into because this is gonna be confusing enough as it is.
Totally straight and totally gay folks actually share a behavior – it’s either NSA or SA sex and, again, the only difference is the sex of the other person, that and homosexual sex has always been seen as amoral; still, not really the point here. Bisexuals – those poor, confused folks – straddle the line between being straight and gay but, believe it or not, still share the same behavior as straight and gay folks do: Sex is either gonna be NSA or SA despite bisexuals having… options in this.
We presume and assume that female bisexuals behave differently than their male counterparts but I think we don’t pay much attention to how women are bisexual because not only do the ladies get a pass in this, it’s just too much fun to vilify guys for liking dick. Still, some bi ladies – and the ones who will talk about it – often highlight the emotional content that another woman can provide as opposed to us poor and emotionally bankrupt men but, okay, this goes hand in hand in what we normally think about women and sex.
We also presume and assume that any man who likes dick – but requires that emotional reason connection must be gay because, you know, that’s how gay men behave… except gay men can be just as NSA or SA about doing the deed as anyone else can be – it’s just that, as always, the perception doesn’t speak to the truth of things.
And that truth is that regardless to whether or not someone is NSA or SA about getting their sexual jollies, um, we all kinda/sorta behave the same way about it and, again, it’s about who we choose to slake our lust or fire up our hearts with. We get to this: We know that women are funny about who they sleep with, that they’re more SA than NSA and, well, if they don’t know jack shit about you, chances are you’re not gonna get into their panties until and/or unless you get to prove to them that you are worthy of this honor.
Bisexual men, infamously known for pouncing on anyone who gets lined up in their sexual sights, are becoming more SA than NSA in their quest for both sex and emotional succor… but, despite that perception I mentioned, these guys are still bisexual and not really homosexual in that “totally gay” sense we think is always in play.
Are you still with me? I hope so.
When I was growing up – and you had to know we were gonna have yet another “back in the day” moment – boys did the nasty with other boys because of raging hormones, female reluctance to drop their panties and, yeah, just because it could be done and because of the admonishments for us not to do these things. If you liked the guy you were doing it with, okay, that works – makes it easier than having to make a snap decision about the guy who wants to do it to you (and you want to get done) that you don’t know a whole lot about or even like in whatever way that means to someone.
Simply, if you wanted to do it and he wanted to do it and there was no chance or risk of getting busted doing it, okay – let’s do it and, again, if those three things I just mentioned were in play and you happened to like the guy, so much the better since you’re friends of a kind and in some way. Now, underlying all of this hedonistic behavior is attraction which everyone is subject to in some way but men, in particular and in this period of time, weren’t so much of a mind to really put much weight into; we could admit that, well, simply, you look like someone I’d want to do it to so, um, hey, do you wanna do it? But, for the most part, guys did it to guys because, well, you’re here, I’m here so why not just do it?
And if we liked doing it to each other, we can do it again if that’s okay with you.
And it was pretty much like this for a long time but guys who needed that emotional connection, eh, you didn’t hear much from them… which isn’t the case today. It doesn’t mean that those guys who held true to the mandate of “no sex without romance first” didn’t exist because they did – you just rarely ran into these guys and if you did, many were afraid to admit that they liked you for more than having sex with you because, then and now, such a declaration was just “too gay” and even gay men didn’t want to be known as being gay since, at the time, it could prove to be hazardous to one’s health.
I go through a lot of reading about bisexuality and in men particularly and I’ve been seeing, over a period of time, where more bi guys are behaving more along the lines that women have historically behaved and in that SA sex is preferred over NSA sex and some emotional investment is just mandatory because without that investment, the sex doesn’t mean anything and is cheap and tawdry.
And I don’t think this is some weird coincidence and it seems to me that going about being bisexual has been going in this direction all along but more modern thinking about sex and the reasons for having sex are, let’s say, opening up and, it seems, normalizing the whole thing and erasing that perceived difference that says that it’s all quite different when it comes to motive or reasons.
Whew. Man, I hope all of this made sense and I’ll say that you really wouldn’t have wanted to be able to read my mind as I was trying to write this – ya might have needed some motion sickness medication.
Men are being just as funny about who they get naked with as women have historically been. Yep, there are still guys who wanna bone women… because they’re women and guys who wanna do the same with guys… because, um, guys can do it to other guys and quite similar to how they’d go about doing it to a woman. Once upon a time (yeah, here we go again with this), it was “determined” that men are easier to have sex with than women and because men were and are able to cut right to the chase about why they wanted to do it to you while women would (and still will) make you jump through quite a few hoops… and even if you successfully navigated the hoops, ya still might not get to do her.
There are a lot of bisexual men who are of the same mind or, realistically, there have always been guys who feel the same way about this as women do but are now making their presence known. You wanna to get with me? Prove that you’re worthy of it and I don’t mean crowing about how big your dick is or how long you can go before busting a nut but more along the lines of proving that you can be into me because I need you to be into me because just having sex for the sake of doing it makes me feel cheap, dirty, used, and unnecessarily slutty – and I don’t wanna feel like this at all.
And the other side of the coin – the NSA side – is still there but it seems like this is becoming more of a minority situation than it used to be; don’t get me wrong here – there are still plenty of guys out there who aren’t interested in being all romantic with some guy they wanna get with – they’re just “emotionally disconnected” while there are plenty of guys who want that NSA deal because they think that by invoking NSA, there’s no chance of them getting bit by the romance bug and can avoid anything that looks like romance or, gasp, a “serious” relationship.
You might have managed to read through all of this and could be saying to yourself, “So what? Doesn’t mean shit to me because I’d never some shit like that.” I actually wouldn’t blame you for thinking like this but it is significant in that a lot of people turn their noses up at bisexuality because it’s perceived as being different than “normal” sexual behavior.
I’m just the guy who’s telling you that it’s not as different as you think it is because while it’s about the sex, it’s not always just about the sex and the decisions that are being made in this regard don’t really differ as much as they’re perceived to be. It’s not really about what’s being done but why it’s being done.
Men are going about dating each other and in pretty much the same way we’d go about dating women up to and including invoking “no sex on the first date” as well as requiring multiple dates before any sex happens and invoking “I need to get to know you better” as well as being able to decide if there’s going to be some “being into” involved. Maybe not in the traditional relationship sense but as a means to also invoke exclusivity and as much as possible because even in this, we can’t really escape being monogamous about such things, can we?
We’re generally of a mind that bisexuality is abnormal behavior and as if it’s even more abnormal than homosexuality is. I’m just telling you that it isn’t as abnormal as you might think because many of the same requirements that have always been mandatory still exist. NSA sex, while doable, is deferred in favor of SA sex – it’s just a matter of how many strings are involved. It’s not enough that you wanna do it to me – you also have to like me for more than merely being a sexual object because I am, indeed, much more than that.
Sure… “I” want and need you to do it to me – “I” need you to do it to me otherwise it’s gonna make me pretty damned crazy if you don’t – but if we’re not going to be into each other beyond that, you’ve got the wrong guy.
And if this sounds familiar to anyone and regardless to your sexuality, it should sound familiar… because it’s they way we’ve always tended to behave, isn’t it? People are of a mind that having sex in the same-sex mode is difficult and it really isn’t; what is difficult is the justification for doing it like this in the first place and outside of the fact that it can be done.
It just shouldn’t be done without a good reason. Attraction – and whatever that means to an individual – is still a key factor but it’s not enough just to be sexually attracted to anyone; a reason, some kind of justification is still quite mandatory and, again and again, beyond and more than “we can do this because it can be done.”
It’s never about what we can do – it’s about why we wanna do it and, importantly, how we go about doing it and I’m still just saying that the way we go about doing it isn’t as different as you might think it is. From my perspective, you know, having been exposed to all of this for as long as I have been – it represents a major shift in the dynamic and, I think, an important one that should be paid closer attention to. True enough, not everyone can (or wants to) be bisexual and I’m thinking that the sex itself isn’t so much of the reason why as it is someone lacking the level of justification required and necessary for doing it like that – you still need a justifiable reason to buck the system in this way. Sure, there’s that whole moral thing to be considered and not to ever be ignored… but it begs the question that if you could have sex and the current “relationship sex only” mandate can be satisfied to some degree or another, could it conceivably make a difference in how a person thinks about this?
Maybe… and maybe not. Still just the guy who’s pointing out to you that things are moving in this direction and becoming more… homogeneous with the way we normally and traditionally go about being intimate with other people. The lines are becoming quite blurry, it seems. Less NSA sex, more SA sex and, um, if it happens that we both have cocks, well, okay – we’re just not doing it to each other because it can be done because with SA invoked, any sex we have has meaning and continues to defy the fact we don’t wanna pay much attention to, that being, we can have sex just because we need to have sex.
Man… the shit that often goes through my mind at times…
PS: I forgot to mention something and just as I was clicking Publish and about to close my browser. There’s another reason – and a justifiable one – for people to explore bisexuality: They’ve tried everything else and it’s just not working for them so why not do something different?
Just wanted to toss that one in before I really did forget it…