Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: For Love or Just for Sex?

02 Jun

Yesterday, when cleaning out the Tumblr spammers, I saw some things that made me ask myself this question. One was a pic of two “typical” guys – ultra fit, big dicks, etc., standing on a beach, naked, their backs to the camera and holding hands as they watched a beautiful sunset. I said to myself, “Hmm, nice sunset…” and, yeah, I said it as if I didn’t notice either guy’s backside but did pay attention to the appearance of lovingly holding hands.

The next thing I saw was a clip featuring two more of those “typical” guys and the more “hunky” of the two was pounding the daylights out of the, um, kinda more twink-like guy’s backside; the pounder leaned over, pulled the poundee’s face around, and planted a pretty assertive kiss on him before returning to fucking him like a jackhammer trying to break up some tough concrete.

That was about the time the question formed in my head as a third thing was displayed starring two very well built and muscular men, one lying on his stomach while the other “muscle hunk” was hammering the guy’s butt and in a way to put the guy I previously mentioned to shame. I closed the app with the question on my mind while a secondary question also began to form: Which of those three things would best appeal to men who also happen to like men?

“Hmm, I don’t know…” was the preliminary answer and as I went on about my day, these questions were being worked inside my head.

Just a little while ago and during my visit to the forum, I saw a post that had been revived that was, in essence, asking the same question and, to paraphrase, “relationship or just sex?” I smiled wryly at the irony since I was still thinking about the questions posed to myself yesterday. I scanned through the comments quickly (thank you, Evelyn Woods!) and saw that a lot of guys leaned more toward the romantic/relationship/friendship direction than the “gimme the sex and nothing but the sex” direction and I did notice a continuation of the “theme” or mindset that without that connection, sex is off the table.

As I opened WordPress to check the reader and to write this, the two questions became a multitude of other questions, one of which was me asking myself if this… “trend” is an indicator that an air of normalcy is being introduced into something that, historically, has always been considered to be abnormal for men to be engaged in, whether for love, sex, or both.

This particular question is harder to answer than the “for love or just sex” question. Granted, the forum membership doesn’t represent all bi guys but there is a pretty large sample of men from all walks of life and quite a few countries so when they say something, it might not be gospel or canon in that sense but you can get an idea which way the wind is blowing at the higher altitudes of thought.

Also plaguing my thoughts is an even better question: Is what I’m seeing really happening or does it just look that way? Again, it’s a question I can’t really answer; I know what I’m reading from other guys just as I know that the “love” aspect can be seen and no matter what the topic happens to be. When it comes down to guys sucking cock or doing the butt thing, that need for a connection to be in place is, at least to me, pretty clear and preferred and even by those guys who have yet to take the plunge.

You have some guys who seem to understand something about other men, that being, we look for sex and find a relationship – and provided a relationship is seen as being very necessary but, okay, if they’re looking for Mr. Right, they can do it while throwing it down with Mr. Right Now because needs must and as a kind of “reverse prioritization” – get the much needed sex and if you happen to come across a Mr. Right, so much the better.

And very much unlike all the guys who stand pat on their decision that if we ain’t gonna have a connection, you’re not getting any of this and I’ll say/ask it again: Does any of this sound familiar? Then I’ll answer the question by saying, once again, “Yeah, it should sound very damned familiar…”

The funny thing is that “gay porn” – and I enclose this in quotes because it’s not a given that the guys you see in this are really and truly gay – displays both things and not necessarily at the same time. You can see a bunch of “frat boys” lined up to fill some “hapless” dude’s mouth and ass with a lot of dick and, it seems, always with a beer in hand and someone invariably saying, “Hold my beer!” You can see a really twinky guy getting his head handed to him as a “daddy” or some big bruiser is just laying the pipe to him with a great deal of seriousness.

And you can see guys who are, at least visually, “in love” with each other and “making love” instead of “just fucking,” tenderly, passionately and, I’d guess, illustrating the “right” condition under which sex has meaning and maybe even implying that those guys you can see fucking and sucking like madmen could, potentially, be doing it for the “wrong” reason but, after all, yeah, we really do just have sex with each other and for the sake of doing it.

I ask myself what might be driving this “sense of normalcy” and I’m not sure what it is; “gay porn” shows you both sides of the coin but at the same time, this “normalcy” thing seems to be a “natural” outgrowth or progression from the way relationships and sex are supposed to work and happen and, I’ll keep saying it, relationship sex good, recreational or casual sex not good.

I question whether this “doing things the way they’ve always been done” thing is a good or “bad” thing and maybe “bad” is the wrong word to use in this context because it would seem that if the behaviors of bisexual men are gravitating toward more “acceptable” behaviors, well, how can that be a bad thing? And I’ll even man-up and admit that this “feels wrong” because when I was growing up, this just wasn’t how guys behaved in any of this; I recognize it and I really don’t allow it to color my observations because I also know that the M2M dynamic has always been changing and it’s only now that I can more clearly see which direction it’s going in…

Provided I’m seeing what I think I’m seeing while the child of science I’ve always been keeps reminding me, “You could be wrong.” With what I’ve been observing, I don’t think I am; I think that what I’m seeing are bi guys instinctively gravitating to a default behavior that’s been instilled in the majority of us and all too similar to how heterosexuals and even homosexuals tend to behave: Establish the relationship first, reap the benefits later and with a segment who are “social rebels” because the sex carries more importance than the relationship.

Guys no longer want to “hook up;” they’re very concerned about dating and in the forums – this “new” one and the now-defunct one – the fellas are clear about this distinction and rather adamant about being able to date for a purpose and not to just get some dick (and in whatever way they like dick).

So on the topic of bisexual acceptance, could things be working out in a way that’s really saying, “This isn’t any different from what anyone else is doing and it’s being done in the prescribed ways and methodologies and the only real difference is who we’re doing it – another guy instead of just women.”

I see where straight folks are branching out and embracing forms of non-monogamy (nothing strange about that) and it’s been reported that gay folks are moving in this direction as well and with great emphasis of maintaining the core relationship… and a lot of bisexuals have jumped on this particular bandwagon and, importantly, those who can’t want to be on the bandwagon. Society is still feeling some kind of way about folks taking the tenets of monogamy and turning them on their head in favor of a more optimal way of having relationships; holding on to some of those tenets and, um, not so much “keeping only unto themselves” while doing just that at the same time.

Kinda. Sorta.

I look at the big picture – or what I can see of it – and it all makes sense, including bi guys wanting and needing things to be all about the relationship first and the sex a secondary concern and if some more script-flipping can take place to stick yet another thumb in the eye of monogamy, so much the better but, yeah, that’s a lot easier said than done… doesn’t change the fact that it’s being done albeit with glacial slowness.

To the question of, “for love or just sex,” maybe the answer is: Yes. It’s a valid answer since we all get jiggy for both reasons – just a matter of where individual priorities and needs are… and those things are starting to line up nicely with the way we’ve always gone about these things and according to the mandates imposed upon us.

It’s interesting and things are still very much in flux and now it’s a question of whether or not society as a whole is seeing this and are becoming of a mind to say, “Oh, okay, handle your business… as long as you handle it the way it’s supposed to be handled!”

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Posted by on 2 June 2019 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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