Forums for bisexuals allow people to ask a lot of questions, from what to do and how to do it right along with who to do it with. Since my last couple of scribbles have been about alternative relationships, it makes sense to (once again) talk about this where bisexuality is concerned because a lot of guys – and, perhaps, a lot of women – want to know how to go about getting permission to take a side-step from the relationship in order to satisfy their needs in this.
A lot of guys ask, “How can I get permission?” and the simplest answer is, “Ask for it…” except to say that it’s easier said than done doesn’t do the situation any justice and more so when one can automatically assume that the answer is going to be, “Hell no! Are you out of your fucking mind?”
It’s a question I’ve been asked a lot over the decades and if I’ve learned anything, it’s that before you gird your loins and ask a question that just might get your head handed to you, it’s best to have a plan in place and more so when one of the questions you’re gonna have to answer – and provided the conversation gets past the initial question – is, “What’s in it for me? Why should I agree to any of this?”
Having to explain your bisexuality to someone who didn’t know about it – and no matter when it presented itself – is no easy task so attempting to get permission also includes thinking long and hard about how you’re going to explain to your partner that you’re not as straight as they thought you were… and to continue with the understatements, just doing that is a clusterfuck all by itself especially if you were quite bisexual before entering into the relationship.
Not many bisexuals survive this aspect of the conversation and if they do, chances are good they’ve taken quite the emotional beating and, as such, makes the next phase of the conversation so incredibly difficult that many decide it’s not worth the hassle and just drop it. Still, it’s not impossible or wholly improbable that a partner isn’t going to understand this and even accept it… but doing is something else and the rules of being in a relationship says it’s okay to think about it as long as you never try to do anything about it.
You see the problem, right? Guys – in particular – might still want to push to get permission and anyone – not just bisexuals – who are of a mind to break with tradition and take an alternative path knows what it feels like to know, deep down in your bones, that it’s something that has to be done, even if for that person’s sanity, peace of mind, stuff like that. They understand that by putting this out there, they’re gonna get their asses handed to them but this is of such great importance, they’re willing to speak to it and take that ass-kicking if that’s how it comes down and turns out.
I’ve seen and heard some pretty damned eloquent and logical arguments toward getting permission… and I’ve seen and heard them totally and utterly fail in that, “Yeah, but…” way because logical discourse carries little or no weight with such an emotional topic of discussion. One’s intelligence can, in fact, see how it makes sense but emotionally?
I’ve learned that if you’re unable to explain why it’s in your partner’s best interest to give permission, you’re fucked and not in a good way. If you’re unwilling to metaphorically offer up everything including your soul to gain permission, ditto. If you don’t look at your partner and ask them, “What would it take for me to get your permission?” – and then be willing and able to do whatever they say it’s gonna take, don’t even bother to ask.
Which brings up the next “Captain Obvious” moment: It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission… not that you’re gonna be forgiven for any transgressions because we hold true that there is no reason whatsoever for stepping out that you’re gonna be able to give short of, “The guy put a gun to my head and I had no choice!”
That’ll open up a whole new can of worms but, again, you see the problem here, don’t you?
Do some bisexuals succeed in getting permission? Yes, they do and if you wanted to know how they managed to do it, you’d have to ask them and, in particular, what they had to “give” in return to get that most coveted permission… and sometimes, that which they have to give in return is along the lines of what’s good for the goose is good for the gander – if you want me to say that it’s okay for you to go outside of the relationship for this, then it has to be okay for me to do the same thing – and even if your partner actually has no need for some quid pro quo.
So when contemplating asking for permission, you gotta ask yourself, “What am I willing to do/give in return?” and if you come up with something that you’re not willing to give/do in return, it’ll be in your best interest to figure out how to do just that… then hope it’s going to be accepted… and then you’d better not ever renege on the deal. Prepare yourself to be subjected to a boatload of conditions and conditions that are not only non-negotiable but to also understand that the person setting the condition reserves the right to revoke or modify them as it suits them and at any time they want to.
Sound like being between a rock and a hard place? That’s because it is! Now, some bisexuals catch a huge break because, well, who knew – their partner has similar thoughts and feelings in the area of bisexuality so, hmm, invoking quid pro quo, if you wanna explore this, then I get to explore as well and now some even more intense negotiations are gonna take place. Some bisexuals get permission but in a way where their partner opts to be detached from it; they don’t wanna hear about it, don’t wanna know about it – keep that shit to yourself and be glad that you’re still in a relationship with them.
That might sound like a good thing but I don’t really believe it is; chances are that the permission was grudgingly given (or given despite great resistance) but in the giving, there’s some shit now going on with the partner that you’re not gonna know about and it’s probably not going to be good and will only serve to erode the relationship.
To get permission takes a whole lot to achieve and one usually has to go through a lot of shit petitioning for permission… and still not get it while almost guaranteeing that the relationship might not last much longer or if it continues, it’s been irrevocably changed and not for the better.
This is true even when sexuality isn’t at the crux of things. As previously written, two people can, if they’re of a mind to, sit down and talk about invoking an alternative relationship intelligently and logically; the logic of it all can be eloquent, impeccable, and damned near flawless… but it’s the emotional response and reaction as any such conversation will clash with one’s beliefs when it comes to how relationships are supposed to go and work… and getting permission goes against these beliefs and the more someone believes in the tenants of monogamy, the harder it is to even bring the subject up, let alone be in a position to ask for permission or to gain buy-in to such a heinous and unthinkable thing for any couple to engage in.
I’ve heard both men and women – and sexuality notwithstanding – petition for this and speaking to how they need this to preserve their sense of self, their sanity, and other things that, again, logically, makes sense and the end result of such pleas is, “It sucks to be you… and you need to start looking for another place to live and while you do that, I’ll help you pack.”
It sounds strange that someone would choose to let the person they love suffer – and even when they find that there’s some merit to starting an alternative relationship. A relationship will go from being about us to being about me so fast that saying it isn’t funny – and like a lot of what I’ve written today – is an understatement and epically so. And, sadly, that’s when a lot of people find out what they want and need doesn’t mean jack shit…
Because their partner doesn’t believe in it. I’ve seen such conversations go from being about the person asking for an alternative relationship to the person they’re talking to: What about me? What about my feelings? And the negativity along those lines just keeps getting worse; the thing that was once something that would change your life – and your life with them – in some very positive ways now becomes a self-preservation crisis for the other person and when it comes down to saving one’s ass over someone else’s, guess which way that decision is going to go?
And if your life crashes and burns because the suggestion has been summarily rejected, too bad; if the rejection sets the relationship on the path of destruction, that’s too bad as well. And doesn’t it just totally and completely suck to learn that the person who says they love and care about you doesn’t love or care about you as much as they say they do?
Yeah, it does… which is why people are reluctant to bring the subject up even when both people know that such a change could potentially be a boon for both of them. The level of thinking before even bringing up the subject and the reasons for bringing it up are beyond daunting; you have to be prepared to answer every question you’d think they’d ask as well as any probably questions that might come up. You have to be prepared to put it all on the table and by all, I mean that literally; holding back anything isn’t going to help and that includes what scares the shit out of you about it should permission and/or buy-in happen.
You have to be able to see a future and its consequences that may or may not happen and that might include making promises that you can’t be sure that can be kept and despite your best efforts. When the “what if” game begins, you’d better have an answer for every question and no matter how crazy it might sound because you’re in a battle against someone else’s beliefs and sensibilities and, oh, yeah, there’s no way to know what they’re gonna ask. You’re gonna get kicked in the crotch when they say, “You’re not who I thought you were…” right along with how you somehow managed to deceive and lie to them (and even if you haven’t) and, oddly, not giving one thought about the fact that you’re not the person the petitioner thought you were, either.
And that’s without sexuality being involved – think about that for a moment while I go take a look at what Microsoft is talking about during their E3 presentation.
It’s not impossible – it’s just horribly and extremely difficult. If you and your partner can’t sit down and talk about your thoughts, feelings, and even fantasies, that just makes things even harder… and a lot of couples can’t do that because it’s too often assume that if you’re thinking about something, you’re gonna do it, that and such open “confessions” are, sadly, subject to reprisals and repercussions because such things are never to be thought about, let alone talked about… and even if one or both partners have been thinking about how their fantasies can be made real.
You just do not talk about this shit and you sure as fuck don’t ever propose that we spit in the face of eons of monogamous tradition even when there’s a damned good reason for putting a good loogie in the eye of tradition.
There’s no tried and true way to go about this and that all by itself makes it a treacherous road to travel – it’s not what you know that causes issues, it’s what you don’t know but, sure, at least at a high level, if you don’t ask, you won’t know and, sure, if you ask, you might wind up regretting it and putting the relationship at great risk.
Being between a rock and a hard place just doesn’t do this topic any justice.