Cityman and I have the most interesting and fascinating conversations about bisexuality and, of course, male bisexuality in particular and our latest conversation was along the lines of what makes a guy go from, “I ain’t ever gonna do some shit like that!” and why some guys can be horrified and repulse yet excited to think about playing with another guy’s dick.
Yeah, it’s pretty weird how that happens but the actual mechanism – the thing that triggers any of this – is pretty much unknown or can be as simple as we’re all born with the potential to adopt any sexuality that works for us… even if, say, bisexuality ain’t one of the things that crosses one’s mind at a conscious level.
Like that piece I wrote for Oceanswater about guys and gay porn; some will admit that they watch it, some categorically deny that they do and, yeah, sometimes, the guys who protests too much about this just doesn’t want anyone to know he’s watching it because, you know, it makes sense to try to figure out why so many men like having sex with other men.
Not that they actually do it, mind you – it’s for scientific purposes only, you understand.
Sometimes, guys come right out of the gate with this dual attraction while others have it “sneak up” on them out of the blue; today, they’re not even thinking about M2M stuff and, tomorrow, that’s all they’re thinking about and, often, without understanding why they are. I’ve actually seen guys pop incredible boners while in the middle of saying that they’d never do a damned thing with another guy, telling me that while their mind is saying no, their body is saying, “Oh, hell, yeah! That’ll work!”
Or a guy will say, “I don’t know why I started thinking about that shit…” and the only explanation that makes sense is that Mom Nature has programmed us to think about it – it’s that evolutionary thing I mention at times.
Or that thing where I’ve heard guys say that just before some guy started to blow them, they were highly excited… and wanted to toss their cookies at the same time and that’s just the social programming/conditioning going to war with biology and, um, yeah, sometimes, biology wins hands down – it’s no contest, a clean sweep, a shutout: Biology 1, Social Programming 0 – game over.
How does a guy go from not even paying attention to an of this to deciding that getting some dick just flat out makes sense? Damned if I know and that’s despite seeing it happen first hand. Are these guys just being social rebels or merely a case of invention being the mother of necessity? Or is it really a matter of us “remembering” how our early male ancestors behaved and as a matter of course, well, up to the point where it was denounced as a forbidden sin… and not like that really stopped anything along these lines.
The main thing here is that bisexuality is more than just doing – doing is actually the easy part of this but understanding how and why this shows up all by itself and even makes sense logically, is just as important… but, nah, some guys don’t wanna be bothered with the details or the history and some of those guys don’t even know why they’re doing what they’re doing, let alone what put the idea in their minds in the first place?
As mentioned, some guys are bi right out the gate; if they don’t know what it is they’re feeling, they do know how they feel and now it’s boys being boys and confirmation that what they were feeling is the real deal. Some guys get triggered; something happens to awaken this part of them but what remains a bit of a mystery is how guys just seem to know that M2M is the thing to do or, trying to say it better, it somehow just makes sense to check it out even though, at that conscious level, they’d rather have multiple root canals at the same time before they even look at or touch another man’s dick.
Or those guys who’d tell you that they have no idea how to suck a dick but when they’re triggered to do so, it’s like they’ve been doing it all of their lives. Guys have asked me, “How the fuck did I know how to suck that dick?” and while one can point to the oral fixation thing as a plausible explanation, I’m thinking you can’t dismiss what I’ll call genetic memory; we knew exactly how to suck that dick because of those two guys who first figured it out and started doing it.
Or, just like animals who are born knowing everything they need to know, um, this M2M/F2F thing is something we’re just born knowing how to do and it just needs to be poked into waking up. The weird thing is that it often wakes up for reasons we can’t always make sense out of. A lot of guys cite girl problems, sexless relationships, stuff like that but what makes this stranger is that guys who aren’t going through any of this can feel the call to check this out. What is it that takes place that makes a guy want to give a bro job… and what makes a normally straight guy think that this is just what the doctor ordered?
Tough questions and, I think, because we’re more focused on what more than we are why. Why are guys both fascinated and horrified about this? Beats the hell out of me if I know beyond what I’ve already mentioned and I say that because, somehow, I sense that, surely, it can’t be that easy…
We talked about choice, something a lot of folks say doesn’t exist or otherwise plays a role in things. For as long as I can remember, homosexuals have insisted that they had no choice, that they were born this way and, as previously mentioned, they got that part right… but the lack of choice is just idealist bullshit because, ultimately, one has to decide to go with what their feelings are telling them… or not. If anything, a more accurate thing for those who don’t believe choice is involved to say that, for them, doing wasn’t a matter they had to debate with themselves; it is, indeed, a no-brainer for some folks… but requires a great deal of thought for many, many others and it makes sense because there’s a lot of shit to be considered before deciding – choosing – to do… or do not.
And one can choose to do not… and have reason to change their mind about that. It is proposed that people go from being straight to bi to being gay and, I guess, logically, that kinda makes sense… except, being straight is a social construct and one imposed and enforced by religious mandate… doesn’t change the fact that people have, can, do, and probably always will change horses mid-stream when they feel the need to do so.
Why? Because we really are born to be sexually and emotionally flexible like that and, sure, it does help when one can justify being this flexible and against the rules that say they shouldn’t be. Even I can’t help thinking that this flexibility is inherent in us; otherwise, why would it be prohibited?
One chooses to answer this particular call of nature… or to not answer it… or answer it somewhere down the road.
A lot of guys who experience oral sex with another guy often say, “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!” or that, “It just felt right and natural to be doing that.” For the first thing, reality doesn’t always play along with what you think… and the reason why it feels right and natural is because it probably is. Why does it feel wrong? Um, because you were told that it is.
Why are some guys totally repulsed but find themselves horribly excited? That’s because your mind and body aren’t always on the same page and like you think it is. Recall, if you will, the study the New York Times reported on that “proved” bisexuality was real: The researchers wired participants like a Christmas tree and showed them… stuff and paid close attention to how their bodies responded and the brain activity that was also being monitored… and a lot of the participants learned that not only was their bodies turned on by what they were seeing, their brains were, too, and I’m guessing a lot of the participants wound up getting the shock of their lives over their test results.
Then again, chances are good that some of those participants knew they were bisexual before the fact; they weren’t seeing anything they probably hadn’t already done.
Such conversations with Cityman are fun and quite educational, like how we often debate whether or not gay marriage has a role in the increase of bisexuality in both men and women. He thinks it does but I know the numbers were on the rise before gay marriage became a hot-button and political issue. Sometimes he says that religion is directly responsible for sexuality being repressed and suppressed in people and he’s partially correct because our social conditioning has its roots in religious dogma… but what’s more likely is that people aren’t of a mind to jump on in because they’re not as much worried about their immortal souls…
They’re more worried about what others will say about them because going off the reservation is what works for them.
He’s often “surprised” at the number of Black men on the prowl for some dick and ass and like it’s some amazing revelation… and I know it isn’t; it’s just that the various apps out there allows for greater visibility than ever before. If nothing else, this greater visibility serves to debunk the myth that all Blacks are homophobic. Truth is some are… just not all of us. And, um, some Black folks are formerly homophobic because they discovered that, hey, this ain’t as bad as I thought it would be!
Sometimes we debate the political implications or what some “experts” are saying is a socio-economic kind of thing with some insisting that bisexuality is more prevalent in urban areas and I’m of a mind that, nope, they’re not looking everywhere because bisexuality doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, live in the hood or in the suburbs, or that you’re in favor of a particular political party and leaning to the right or left. It doesn’t give a fuck if you’re white, Black, Hispanic, Oriental or even “all of the above.” It doesn’t care if you’re male, female, or of a mind that you’re neither or both.
Proponents of heteronormativity still insist, here in the 21st century, that not being heterosexual is an aberration and it goes against the natural order of things or, really, the way they believe things should be while and the insistence that what they believe trumps what’s really happening.
We even discussed how it seems that bisexuality is starting to fall in line with heterosexual norm and much in the same way that homosexuality did and neither of us are sure that this is a good or bad thing but agree that whether it is or not, people are gonna be bisexual because they have a need to be… or want to be… and, yeah, even choose to be.
Why do guys and gals do the nasty with each other like this? Because it can be done and history, if you care to be bothered with it, proves it. Why all the angst and resistance? Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it and some of us haven’t learned a damned thing from history; over our history as a species, we’ve adopted extreme measures to eradicate homosexuality… and failed. Miserably. Utterly. Today, we’re trying to eradicate bisexuality by denying its existence and invoking all the doom and gloom we can think of and, yup, we are, again, failing.
Why are women better at this than men are? Damned if I know – they just are. Why do women stand a better chance at getting a pass than men? Not a clue… except it is said that she who has the pussy makes the rules and sometimes the rules don’t invite men to the party. And if ya don’t like it, too bad… and ya might not be getting any of that pussy if you wanna make a federal case out of it, guys.
These are the things Cityman and I talk about and from our unique perspectives – me the old hand and him the new kid in the game – and it allows us to learn from each other and knowledge is power.