After arming myself with coffee, I sat down at my desk to do the email and other stuff thing I do each and every day. Click the bookmark bar to come here, took a look at the reader, then clicked the “Tags” link that, admittedly, I see every day but didn’t pay attention to and the tag I’d created early on in my blogging adventure was – is – “bisexual.”
I know why I had stopped checking it; there wasn’t much being said that was associated with that tag but over the last couple of days, I’ve been pouring over the tagged items that now are quite plentiful.
Today, I saw two things that made my jaw drop. One was written by a female sex educator who isn’t comfortable with her bisexuality – she says she feels like a fraud because she seems to sabotage potential relationships with women. Now, it’s not that I don’t understand this – a lot of people are as bisexual as the day is long but they’re not really comfortable with being bisexual… but I am wondering how and why a sex educator is feeling the way she is.
The other thing I saw was about bi-erasure and how, I guess, bisexuals erase themselves because they’re not permanently gay or straight… and I almost choked on my coffee when I saw what author wrote because even without enough caffeine in my system, that this author even wrote that and implied that bisexuality isn’t a “permanent” state of existence and that bisexuals are gay with a gay partner but appear to be straight when not with a gay partner just made me ask: What are these people talking about and why are both of these writings about being bisexual and relationships?
Don’t get me wrong; if you can pull off a same-sex relationship, more power to you but people are of a mind that if you can’t or don’t roll like that, it somehow invalidates one’s sexuality.
And those two writings reminded me why I often go off the deep end about this. Here’s the thing I don’t think either of those authors – or a lot of other people – are aware of: When you’re bisexual, you are always bisexual no matter what you’re doing or who you happen to be with. People are all on the rag about what things appear to be, like, you see two men or two women behaving like a couple and the first thing that’s assumed is that both people are gay… and they may not be but you’d not know this unless they were of a mind to reveal their individual sexualities.
A bisexual in a relationship with a gay person is still bisexual! Why people don’t seem to get this makes me sit here and blink a whole lot. A bisexual in a relationship with a straight person is still bisexual and despite what people want to believe, you can’t “turn it off and on” like a light switch. In a relationship, you may be limited – and severely – about what you can do as a bisexual and that’s to be expected… you’re still bisexual.
That a sex educator says she feels like a fraud because she can’t get into a relationship with a woman without sabotaging the shit out of it just blows me away; how can someone versed in things sexual even think like this? Um, because we are of a mind that things we do that aren’t part of a relationship doesn’t mean jack shit, that and I see that people are still buying into that “If you’re not in a relationship, you’re not bisexual” bullshit.
No wonder she feels like a fraud; no wonder the guy who wrote about bi-erasure was, in fact, doing his level best to erase it – and I’m not sure he was aware of what he was doing.
The fact of the matter is people are… compelled to be in a relationship, one because as a species, we’re a social animal – that just means we like being around each other and doing stuff. When it comes to sex, here in the fucking 21st century, we still believe that the only legit sex is relationship sex. That sex educator shared that she had been having sex with women and I didn’t get the impression that this bothered her… but the relationship thing did. We’re either of a mind to pursue a relationship with someone or, as it turns out, decide that it’s not in our best interest to do so and for whatever reason makes sense to us… and there’s nothing unusual about these two things – it’s just how people behave.
But whether you’re in a relationship or not, damn it, if you’re bisexual, you’re still bisexual. “Gene,” a bisexual guy, gets into a relationship with “Rachel,” a very straight woman and life is good. You see them, know that they’re a couple or accurately guess that they are… and you assume that they’re both straight but, sure, when you look past what you see, oh, wait – he’s bisexual? Then, it appears, it’s being assumed that “Gene” is taking advantage of that idiotic straight privilege they’re still talking about but what’s really happening is a kind of blindness – what they see isn’t what’s really going on with our hypothetical couple. Oh, and because he’s with a straight woman, he just cannot be bisexual.
And because of this… lack of vision, this somehow erases bisexuality as a legitimate sexuality? Can you hear me yelling, “Bullshit!”?
Do you remember those scribbles I posted where I talked about bisexuality “migrating” toward the heteronormative way of doing things? If so, yeah, these two things I’m talking about is more proof of that because I maintain that you do not have to be in a relationship to validate your bisexuality… or your sexuality at all. We see a continuance of a behavior that’s plagued us for a long time: We believe all of what we see… and not so interested in the composition of what we’re looking at. “Gene” and “Rachel” are at the mall shopping, holding hands and being socially intimate with each other… and you see a straight couple, right?
“Alicia” and “Fran” are also at the mall, doing whatever brought them there, holding hands, being socially intimate and you see… a gay couple, right? You think you’ve correctly identified their place in the sexuality world when, chances are good that you’re wrong as fuck about both couples – but, again, unless you asked them, you’re not gonna know that “Alicia” is gay and “Fran” is a bisexual woman.
This becomes a problem in that one’s sexuality, generally, ain’t no one’s business unless a person makes it someone’s business. Hey, Oceanswater – remember we were just talking about private things? This is one of them that we tend to keep under our hats and it’s on a need-to-know basis… and not everyone needs to know. This is so private that if a someone was bisexual, their partner – if they have/had one – doesn’t know it. Why? It’s very private and with them, um, you’re being straight – but that person is still bisexual even if they don’t ever disclose it.
If our partner – and if we’re hooked up like that – knows that we’re bi, well, that’s the only person who really needs to know and everyone else can go pound sand… and therein lies the thing with erasure… but coming out, such as it is, doesn’t really change anything because, again, we’re more prone to believe what we see than to pay attention to the truth of what we’re looking at.
That and you can tell all the people you want to that you’re bi and your partner isn’t… and they might not believe you because if it looks gay, it has to be gay; conversely, if it looks straight, well, that’s what it is…
Isn’t it? Fuck no. Hell no. But we’ve created this… thing because of a habit we’ve never been able to get rid of: Believing that everything we see is what it appears to be. Now, of course, there’s a lot of things that are what they appear to be; a tree, regardless of its nomenclature, is still a tree – and even if we don’t know what kind of tree it is. A rose is still a rose, after all, and no matter what kind of rose it is.
People, however, aren’t so easy to look at in this fashion, are they? So we make some inaccurate assumptions and while ascribing or assigning a set of behaviors that, in reality, may not be accurate or even at work for some reason. Since bisexuality is about what you think, feel, and even do – if you can – how the fuck can it be erased or invalidated because you’re not in a same-sex relationship? How in the name of all that’s held to be holy can bisexuality be erased or invalidated because of a relationship – and then under the assumption that both people are straight… but if one is bisexual, well, they’re a fraud and contributing to bisexual erasure?
Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? Are we really that blind? Are we really that institutionalized or, really, totally and completely mindfucked to believe and keep believing that you can invalidate someone’s sexuality because they’re not going about their lives in the way that’s been mandated as the only way to go about your life?
Yeah. It seems that we are. Well, not all of us but you see what I’m saying?
I am bisexual no matter what I’m doing. If I’m having sex with someone, be they male or female, I am still bisexual and – get this – that’s the thing that “allows” me to have sex with a man or a woman… or both, you know, if I got lucky like that. If you saw me and my lady out and about – and if you didn’t know either of us – you’d assume that we’re a straight couple and we’re both straight… and you’d be wrong… but those of you who follow me already know that. The point is that you’d believe what you saw but because it’s considered to be bad form to ask someone about their sexuality, you’d be happy to believe what you saw.
And some people, when they find out that what they’re looking at isn’t what they’re looking at are, for some stupid-assed reason, trying to invalidate, deem as fraudulent, and flat-out erase bisexuality in this or any other situation. When this bi erasure bullshit popped up, one of the first things I wrote about it was, “You can’t erase me because even if you don’t know it, I know I’m bisexual.”
The really fucked up part is that some bisexuals are invalidating and erasing themselves… because they continue to believe in something that, perhaps, they shouldn’t be believing in. That sex educator? In my view, she’s not a fraud because she can’t seem to get into a relationship with a woman. That, according to her, she was set to marry a guy doesn’t invalidate her bisexuality and, fuck no, she’s not invoking any kind of straight privilege by marrying a man. She’s still bisexual and will be until the day she dies.
That dude who wrote about erasure? Again, I wonder if he realizes that what he wrote doesn’t invalidate bisexual erasure – it contributes to it by rehashing the current bullshit rhetoric that has many a bisexual doubting that they are what they know themselves to be… and while citing relationship statuses – or a lack of – as a key indicator that bi erasure is a real thing and bisexuality really isn’t… and because of a relationship that someone, regardless of sexuality, may or may not be a part of or even wants to be. Are these mindfucked people trying to say that single people aren’t and can’t be bisexual? Well, yeah, they are, if you really stop to think about it… and if you think this sounds insane, welcome to the club because this is some of the most insane and patently ridiculous shit I’ve ever heard of.
My lady and I could break up… and I’m still just as bisexual as the day I realized I was. I could start a new relationship with a man… and people would see “gay” when, in fact, the only gay thing happening is the sex we might have and more so if it happens that both of us are bisexual and even if my new boyfriend was gay, the current dogmatic bullshit says that not only is our relationship a gay one, both of us are gay.
I know I’m not. I also know that I wouldn’t want to be gay – and I say this without offense to any gay folks who might be reading this – because I know for a fact that, even if no one else does, I love women and pussy and, yeah, more than I do men and dicks.
In this, there’s perception… then there’s the truth. We believe what we perceive and continue to believe this even when the truth is known… and, well, we’re just insane like that. We will say that sometimes, things aren’t as they appear to be; that tells me that we are, in fact, aware of this pretty important thing and that, if we’re so inclined to do so, that should prod us to look beyond what we see so that we will understand exactly what we’re looking at; is the tree you’re seeing an oak tree? Maple? Walnut?
Some would want to know this… many just don’t give a fuck – they see a tree and that’s all they give a fuck about and some might even argue with you that the oak tree you’re looking at or talking about isn’t an oak tree and if you think this is something I just made up, it isn’t – I actually got into a heated discussion over an oak tree being an oak tree and as evidenced by all the fucking acorns all over the place.
And that’s what some of us are doing now: Saying that bisexuality isn’t real because it doesn’t look like anything or it doesn’t look the way they think it should look.
Here on WordPress, there are currently 337 people following me and many more who just read what I’m scribbling who knows that I’m bisexual. I have, in fact and in deed “outed” myself in this very public forum, not that I give a fuck about that. I’m not straight and haven’t been since I was nine years old. I married one woman and had children with her – a very straight thing to do… and I was still bisexual. I fell in love with a gay man and we had what was for me a life-changing, eye-opening moment and relationship – and despite the way we were kicking holes in the walls and trashing beds, I was still bisexual. Now, if you saw the two of us together, ha, there’s no way you could fail to see that he was very gay… but the mistake people would make – and the same mistake they’re making now – is assuming we were both gay… and one of us wasn’t… and it wasn’t him.
Yet, there are those who seek to erase me and other bisexuals based on what they see and, stupidly, the way they think things are supposed to be and appear to be. Even if I wasn’t in my current relationship, I’d still be bisexual – nothing, and I do mean nothing short of death can ever change that.
And I’ll be damned and dipped in shit if I know why people are thinking this way. I do think that bisexuality has upset the world view of a whole lot of people and to the point where they can only really make sense of it by thinking in heteronormative terms because, um, that’s the way we’re supposed to be thinking and going right along with the morality that’s associated with it.
I’m the very bisexual guy who’s gonna tell you that if that’s what you think, you’re about as wrong as you can possibly be. I am living, breathing, and raving proof that what you might think is not quite right. Yes – everyone is entitled to their opinion and thoughts about this and there’s a bias at work – thanks, gay people – that many of us tend to work from and view things in – it’s just the way we are; you’re just gonna believe what you think you know until you find out that what you think you know is… well, wrong… and then, as people are wont to do, you’re gonna keep believing what you think you know even when you’ve been told the truth – and this, too, is just how people can be.
But if you even dared to suggest that I’m not what I say I am and based upon who I’m in a relationship with as a point of validation, well, somebody hold my Coke because the shit’s about to get very real and very messy.
I’m bisexual. I’m not a fraud. I’m not invoking or taking advantage of some alleged straight privilege because, as I’ve said hundreds of times, I’m quite straight until I do something that isn’t – and that doesn’t count for what’s going on in my head at all times and even when I’m asleep because even if my actions are straight, my brain and sense of self isn’t and hasn’t been for coming up on 55 years.
Is that real enough for you?
You cannot erase my bisexuality and based upon the faulty information you’re working with. Yes, there is a way things are supposed to be and, as always, there’s how things really are… and the way things really are is that people who are bisexual are always bisexual and no matter what they do or who they do some shit with.
And I just do not know why people aren’t getting and understanding this… and now you know why I go off the deep end and wind up apologizing for ranting and raving like a mad man.
Sigh. Imagine me taking a deep breath at this point while I give you an example of this lunacy. Many years ago – a couple of decades, really – this guy and I got into a “heated” discussion over whether or not I was really bisexual and his contention that because I was married to a woman, I couldn’t be. I told him my story and a lot of examples of my bisexuality – and he still didn’t believe it. Now, he wasn’t saying that I was gay – he just insisted that I wasn’t what I said I was. So, I told him to go home, get his lady, and come back and I – with the help and agreement with my wife – would prove to him that I was as bisexual as I said I was.
He declined once he realized that he was gonna be targeted as well as his lady (and I knew he would). But, you wanna know what he said? He said that even if he did that – and he wasn’t going to – that I was gonna be bisexual like that just and only to prove him wrong… even though, again, I had provided many examples that said otherwise. He said, “That doesn’t really prove that you’re bi!”
Really? He stuck with that which he believed… totally rejected the truth… and, yeah, too chicken to find out the easy way which, personally, was a shame since he was quite sexy in my opinion.
This is the crazy and insane shit at work now and I shared this moment in time to illustrate that this stupid bi erasure shit isn’t a new thing – it existed and before a lot of those speaking out against bisexuality were even born.
Think about that one for a moment. Think about all of this for a moment and, you know, if you even bothered to read all of this. Then think about that which you believe when it comes to people interacting with other people… then ask yourself why you believe it and maybe you’ll see what I’m ranting and raving about.
Bisexuals and bisexuality can only be erased or invalidated if we, as bisexuals, continue to buy-in to this bullshit. Being in a relationship does not, can not, should not ever invalidate anyone’s sexuality. We’re not straight… but we’re not gay, either. We can do things, from sex to relationships, in either way if we choose to and no matter what we do – or don’t do – we are still bisexual.
And I will tell anyone who doesn’t believe this that they’re all fucked up in the head. I know the truth. I’ve spoken the truth and as I’ve experienced it. If you don’t believe it and think I’m a straight-acting fraud, that’s not my problem and if you still believe it after I’ve repeatedly stated that I am bisexual, well, yeah – there’s something wrong with you.
Bisexuals aren’t the problem: That skewed perception held by others is. And I’ll end this extremely long rant – and I rant I’m not going to apologize for this time – by asking a question:
If bisexuality isn’t a real and legit sexual orientation – and if bisexuals are deemed to be equally unreal, um, why is all this dumb shit being thrown into the fan? That would suggest that we’re pitching a bitch about… nothing… and if that’s not as insane as anything can be, I don’t know what is. It suggests that bisexuality and bisexuals are very damned real because people are going out of they way to say it isn’t. Cray-cray to the nth degree.
Time to clean the litter box… and thank you all for putting up with this rant.