Yeah… one of the biggest questions one can find themselves asking and one of the hardest ones to answer and not too far behind, “Why do I feel this way?”
The “good” news is that there are websites and apps expressly for the purpose of “dating” and your success or failure will depend on a lot of factors while understanding that while you’re using such a site or app to get the person you’re looking for – and the reason you’re there looking – not everyone else who might be there are there for the same reasons… and some of the people you might see aren’t real people – it’s just a profile that’s been carefully crafted to get your attention and in a way that, if you signed up with a free account, you’re gonna have to shell out some money in order to reach out – and hopefully touch (and literally) – someone who really doesn’t exist.
The good news is some folks have success with the websites and apps… and the bad news is that many folks just don’t. Before you start hitting the search engines, one of the things you must do, in my humble opinion, is to give some very serious thought about (1) what you want and (2) the type of person you want to join you in this… and, um, believe it or not, this is usually where most people in search of someone tends to screw the pooch.
In many cases, you have to fill out and complete a profile as well as including – preferably – a picture of your face… and some people who wish to remain anonymous in this won’t do either thing and without thinking that this lack of information can hurt them more than it will help them. What are you looking for? Be concise and to the point about what you’re looking for but without overly complicating the whole thing. On the one hand, it’s good to see a profile that states the author’s expectations and all that good stuff but, on the other, writing a profile that leaves little or no wiggle room might not get you what you want.
Coming across, in your words, as being arrogant, cocky, queen bitch of the universe, overly demanding, etc., will usually result in your profile being ignored and one should keep in mind that if this part of the profile is a pretty long dissertation, most people aren’t going to take the time to read it.
Then it’s all about waiting; you’ve “dangled the bait” and now it’s about seeing who’s willing to take it; there’s a reason fishing ain’t called catching, right? While you’re waiting to see who might nibble, get it into your head not to let a lack of nibbles discourage you. If you’re the one doing the nibbling, do take the time to read that person’s profile instead of looking at their picture and dismissing them out of hand. Be prepared to communicate and beyond just saying, “Hi,” “What’s up?” or however you choose to greet someone or, in a lot of cases, how you want to be greeted when someone attempts to contact you.
And if you have questions, ask them; likewise, if asked a question, answer it to the best of your ability. Also, be aware of this: If you’re on a “dating” site or app, it is assumed that you’re there to have sex so try not to be offended by offers of “right now sex” and more so if you’re looking for more than just sex… and also in mind that most people won’t bother to read whatever you’ve said about your wants and needs that you took care to write about.
And wait… and wait some more. If you should come across someone who can actually write in full sentences, good for you! Talk to them and if the conversation gets to the “let’s meet!” phase of this, make sure that you can, in fact, be able to meet with them and that it’s understood that, yeah, we can set a date for our date… but shit happens and especially when you don’t want it to.
Also keep this in mind: Women look for a relationship and find sex… while men look for sex and find a relationship… and this could be subject to some “role reversal” so, again, if you’re looking for a relationship but the other person is offering sex, it could turn into a relationship… if you’re willing (and they are) to work toward this.
If you’re of a mind that there has to be some instant chemistry jumping off or it’s no deal, lemme tell you something about that: It’s a mistake and one that a lot of people make and that instant gratification thing is the main culprit here: It makes people not want to take the time and put forth the effort to establish some form of chemistry.
Or, they want all the perks, ain’t willing to do any of the work to find out what they can do together. If you set the bar too high, no one will be able to reach it; if you have that “ideal and perfect” person inside your head, don’t try to make someone match that… because they probably won’t be able to.
You can talk about what you (and the other person) wants and needs but what you should do, in my opinion, is talk about what “we” can do with and for each other instead of it being a conversation about what “I” want.
And you wait… and wait some more for that one person who is willing to work with you toward your goals and their own… and I do mean work with you to, as mentioned, find out what “we” can do together.
If you connect with someone and it doesn’t quite work out don’t get discouraged; keep at it. See, some people put a profile out there and then expect to get swamped with people just “dying” to be with them… but they’re not really doing anything to get people to do that – they just expect Mr. or Ms. Right to fall out of the sky and into their laps and it just doesn’t work like that.
If the websites and apps aren’t your cup of tea, you just gotta do it the old-fashioned way: Get off your ass and go out and meet people and in any place you think you can. If being able to get out and do this is a problem, well, you have a problem and I’m not just saying this to be funny or facetious.
Dating – or trying to date – has always sucked and in many a not-so-good way; the websites and apps don’t make it any easier except to show you people in your area who are, supposedly, interesting in dating in some form or another and, yes, some people are there looking for sex and nothing but the sex. This tends to make some folks unhappy; they’d prefer not to give up the booty without some investment in place and/or agreed to but the thing is that, um, sometimes, you can get laid and find the more binding connection you were looking for and, again in my opinion, even if nothing more appears or comes out of a date, at least you got laid… and assuming that you wanted and needed to get laid.
There is no easy way to go about finding someone you wanna be with to do whatever it is you want to do and in the way you want to – or can – do it. You gotta work for it; do your due diligence and in whatever way that means to be able to vet people and to make sure you’re gonna be safe… and you just keep at it until you find the person you’re looking for or they find you… and then there’s more work to be done.
I say that if you don’t try, you can’t fail… and if you never fail, you won’t know what you gotta do to succeed. And if you’re not willing to put in the work that’s necessary, well, something’s very wrong and you need to fix it before you even try to get yourself out there and date someone. Be cautious… but leave your fears someplace else. Have concerns about stuff…don’t be paranoid or come across as some kind of dating hypochondriac. Do not let any past dating failures overly influence what you’re trying to do which, sadly, is what many of us do and what that does is that the next person who wants to date you winds up paying for whatever the last person did to fuck shit up – and the next person hasn’t said anything other than, “Hi!” or swiped in some direction to let you know that they find you interesting.
Lastly, if you’ve been doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, uh, stop that! You have to be more of a mind to be flexible, adaptive, and just as willing to change how you’re going about trying to date someone and, yeah, the only way you’re gonna know that it’s time to change some shit up is if you keep failing to find someone you can date. Sometimes, you just gotta trust your gut instincts in this while always keeping in mind that just because someone looks good – or looks good on paper – they might not be the person for you once you peek under the hood and the reverse is true for anyone who might be looking at you.
And if neither of you are willing to look under each other’s hoods – and I don’t mean this in a sexual way – well, I don’t know what else to tell you. If you have or have developed a long list of that which you’re not going to do, well, you might not be helping your cause any so one of the questions you have to and should ask yourself is what are you willing to do to get what you want? If what you’re willing to do is shorter than the list of what you’re not willing to do, hmm, you might wanna do something about that.
It’s my opinion that you want to make it easier for someone to date you and not make it damned near impossible to date you… and if you don’t agree with this, perhaps you need to give this dating thing some more and serious thought.