Wow… what a ride I took myself on the last couple of days, huh? For those who thought I’d gone off the deep end and with no hope of return, nah – sometimes I gotta sound insane in order to get a point across.
No brain cells were harmed… well, um, none that weren’t already in the deep doo-doo.
I sit, think, and observe; I interact with other bisexuals and I learn things. Bisexuality isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing and while the sex part of this gets a lot of attention, every bisexual is different… because we’re all different. We may have the same overall goals… but we go about achieving those goals differently.
We have a lot of the same fears and concerns… and we deal with them differently. We may appear to be mindless and indiscriminate in our pursuit of those sexual pleasures… and not all of us are and to that end, anyone, regardless to sexuality or behavior, can potentially have an, “Oh, shit – what did I do?” moment because shit happens… and when you don’t want or need it to.
I interact with those looking to take the plunge and do my best to answer their questions and allay their fears and concerns while also doing my best to let them know that their experiences, should they choose to have them, will be different from my own or from anyone else they’ve being in touch with about these things and that it is quite true that any experience they may have is only going to be as good as they’re willing to make it.
Sometimes, there are no easy answers; how does a bisexual in a relationship ask for and get permission to investigate their curiosity and indulge in their desires? It is, in fact and in deed, the hardest question to answer and with this one a close second, I think: How can I indulge myself without cheating on my partner? That one, actually, is easy to answer: Get permission… and cue the vicious cycle. Oh, by the way, these two questions might sound as if they’re the same question – they aren’t.
This one makes me throw my hands in the air a lot because the possible choices for either question are the same: Ask for permission, invoke Rule Number One – look after your own ass first – and take the infidelity route, or do absolutely nothing… and all three possible choices have some pretty fucked up down sides.
I sit, observe, and think about what others are doing or trying to do and I ask myself, “How can they make this easier on themselves?” or “What could they do differently to make being bisexuality a more “seamless” kind of thing rather than the “two-sided coin” it tends to feel like?”
And then, how can I answer or assist them – or try to – without losing objectivity? Sure… I tell a lot of folks that if I could do it – and others have done it, it can be done which, on the surface, doesn’t sound all that objective but it really is because bisexuals today are asking the same questions, have the same concerns, etc., that I’ve had to deal with and, again, I’m not the only one who has. In our own ways, we found ways to make the impossible, possible – but often at a price and not always with a high degree of success.
It’s a response that really says to someone, “This isn’t as impossible as you think it is… but it is something you have to work at; if it’s something you really want to do, you’ll find a way to do it.”
And therein lies the problem for many bisexuals – finding a way to make this work for them. I can – and I have – shared everything I know about this but it often becomes clear that what works for one person ain’t gonna work for someone else – because their life and situation is uniquely different – but despite a lot of top-level similarities – married or hooked up with someone who may or may not have a negative view of things not heterosexual, strong and immutable beliefs in monogamy, stuff like that.
Whether it works is anyone’s guess but the one thing that remains consistently clear is that if you don’t ask, you won’t know; likewise, if you never try, you can never fail… and you need to fail in order to learn how to succeed. You might think, “That’s easy for you to say!” and my response to this is, “No… it really isn’t…” if you knew how hopeless, useless and ineffectual I often feel to watch people struggle with this – and there’s nothing else I can do or say to help them.
It’s a pretty shitty feeling and one that makes me wonder why I even try to help… but the answer is easy: Because someone has to. Bisexuals and even the bi-curious have to know that they’re not as alone in this as they can feel, that all the shit that’s running around in their head is the same shit everyone goes through when bisexuality lands on them like the biggest ton of bricks ever; that finding solutions isn’t impossible if you’re willing to do the work to find them.
Someone has to tell them that a lot of the stuff they hear is, bluntly, bullshit and the result of a lot of people overly emphasizing every negative thing that’s ever been said or what they can think of; someone has to tell them, “You know, this shit ain’t new – I heard this way back in the 1960s… and it was bullshit then – what does that tell you?”
Someone has to tell them, in no uncertain terms, that the risks are real… but they can be avoided, minimized, even managed if one is smart about what they do and who they do it with. Someone has to tell them some real-deal shit, namely, that casual sex isn’t evil, meaningless, or empty and, no, you don’t have to be in a relationship with someone to validate your bisexuality.
Someone has to hit them with the science of sex; it never fails to amaze me how many guys don’t know how their bodies work, like, why do they feel absolutely shitty after busting a nut? I know the answer because I wanted to know the same thing – and I found it. You wouldn’t believe the kinds of questions guys ask.
Someone has to tell them that having a crisis of faith is pretty normal but to not try to give themselves a stroke – there are more very religious bisexuals than you can shake a stick at – and they’re okay with God or their deity of choice.
In the insanity surrounding bisexuality, someone has to be a voice of reason and cut through the bullshit… and as shitty as it sometimes makes me feel, that’s reason enough to do what I do for others who are like me or want to be.
Because someone has to do it. If not me, then who? If not now, when? If I know “some shit” about being bisexual, do I not have a “duty” to share what I know? Yeah… feels like it to me. My purpose – my mission, if you will – is not to convert people to bisexuality; it’s to explain it, to break it down as simply as I can manage to do so and, yeah, sometimes, do my best to talk someone out of taking the plunge when it’s clear to me that they’re not ready to jump in.
Think first… then act if you must… or if you can. If, by chance, someone reads this and says to themselves that maybe, just maybe, this might be something that could work for them, it’s all good. If, by chance, someone reads this stuff I write and says to themselves, nah, no way in hell I could do some shit like that, it’s still all good.
And to those folks who’d never do some shit like this, uh, um, someone has to tell them, “Never say never…” because I’ve heard so many people say this… and got their minds changed… and are onboard with it… and someone has to tell them why they got onboard when they said they never would.
The message is: Bisexuality is real… and more real than you might know. It’s what you think it is… and there’s a lot most people don’t know about it. It’s about the sex… and not so much; it’s not just a thing to do – it’s a way to be and one that is quite eye-opening because you get to see some stuff that you might not have been paying much attention to. It can change your life… but whether that’s in a good or bad way is really up to the individual.
And someone has to let them know this. Someone has to speak both to the joys and pitfalls of being bisexual and assure them that despite those pitfalls, yeah – being bisexual is really a lot of fun even if you never have the sex… but, um, that’s a lot of fun, too.