One of the things about being bisexual is becoming aware of how things can be and as opposed to how they are and a lot of bisexuals almost instantly find out that being in a relationship is a huge problem but one that can be solved by instituting an alternative relationship – being open, swinging, poly, whatever works to serve the purpose to allow sexual expression.
We’re worried about infidelity coming along and wrecking things and I maintain that infidelity can be a non-issue if we were of a mind to remove the conditions under which infidelity can happen… and that means changing what being in a relationship means and I’m not talking about what we already think they should mean.
Yes, some bisexuals cheat because they have to; it’s the only way they’re going to be able to indulge themselves like this since getting permission ain’t likely to happen – or so it’s believed but it’s such a consistent thing that bisexuals won’t even ask for permission because they “know” they aren’t going to get it.
Bisexuals get a lot of grief when the word, “threesome” comes up and it is assumed that this is just a thing bisexuals do… when it isn’t; straight folks and gay folks have alternative relationships that allow group sex and sex outside of the relationship so it’s just not a bisexual thing.
But we are aware of it and we wind up being aware of it because it becomes clear that if we’re bisexual and need to do stuff about it and we’re in a relationship, well, that’s not gonna work for us unless the relationship changes… and good luck with that because in order to effect this kind of change, you need your partner to buy in to this level of rule breaking.
Maybe they do, maybe they don’t… but this is about the awareness of the possibilities that “normal” relationships cannot ever allow for. To many bisexuals, an alternative relationship just makes sense, not just because it will or could allow them to pursue their sexual desires, but because they can see the inherent flaws in how “normal” relationships are handled and how things are designed not to allow any alternatives at all.
Oh… you wanna be able to go get some dick when you feel like it? You can – just as soon as we break up, you nasty motherfucker! It begs the question, “What if breaking up isn’t the best solution here?” and for many, it just isn’t… but that also kinda limits the available choices: You’re either going to be consigned to doing nothing or you’re gonna try to negotiate a change to the relationship so that you can do something… while providing benefits to your partner as well.
And, again, good luck with that one but, once more, it’s about seeing the possibilities as well as having a better understand what this sex thing is really about and why some folks are likely to take the matter in their own hands to get what they need because not being able to isn’t a viable – or healthy – option.
We see it and, yeah, we want it but getting it is a whole different matter but, yeah, we know it can be done without setting off the nitro and destroying the relationship. Bisexuality almost literally opens one’s mind to certain realities and one of them is how fucked up relationships are when it comes to a couple taking care of each other’s needs and not so much.
You see the fallacy in believing that one person can take care of every need their partner may have and we even insist, imply, and/or emphatically state that we’re all that someone else will ever need and that whoever we’re with should not and will not ever need anything than us and that which we want to provide.
The truth is a motherfucker, ain’t it? And, really, you don’t have to be bisexual to see this but being bisexual kinda brings it all home faster than it does with other people. And then those seeking an alternative solution to the issues that relationship norms cannot allow find out that having these desires and being in a relationship is about the worst thing imaginable. You also find out that the person by your side who promised or otherwise swore to do and be the best they can be and all in the name of love… and you find that they love you, but… – and now there’s a list you may not have known about covering what they’re not gonna do for you, for love, or for all the money in the world… and all based on what they believe more than what reality is telling them.
That’s some fucked up shit, huh? Bisexuals feel this, I think, a bit more acutely than, say, a straight couple looking to spice up their relationship. They may want to do it but, eh, they really don’t have to… but bisexuals are strangely driven to do something about being bisexual and, no, I’ve never been able to explain it in a way that makes sense… but I know what happens to many bisexuals who can’t do what they want to do… and none of it is what I’d call pretty.
There’s a great need to change what being in a relationship means; we need to rewrite it so that needs can be met while keeping relationships intact and moving right along. When alternative relationships hits the table, the person who might be totally against this almost always asks, “What’s in it for me?” And you can tell them… and hope like hell that they can see this as you’re seeing it. We talk about sacrifice in relationship and how it’s required when I think this is true… but excessive; compromise is the thing that should be highlighted more than what someone is giving up for the sake of someone else’s sensibilities or in accordance to a set of relationship rules that are flawed, suppressive, inhibitive, and just flat out fucked up because they do not allow for partners to adequately take care of whatever needs may arise and especially where intimacy – emotional and/or physical is concerned.
Or, like I say, if you’re a guy and you want some dick, the woman you’re with doesn’t have on – normally, I’d have to say because there are… exceptions. You can throw all the pussy you want to at this guy and, okay, that works… but won’t make the need for a dick to go away and there are a lot of people who just do not understand how bad a thing this is for us. It’s like even if they did know how this is fucking us up, they don’t care… because they will remain steadfastly true to a set of rules that are, in fact, destroying that person who has needs the relationship cannot provide.
Again, you don’t have to be bi to suffer this and if, at any time in your life, you had a desire for someone else when you were already with someone, you know how frustrating is can be to know that the rules will not ever allow you to do anything about it…
Unless the rules get changed. And we need to change them to fit life as we know it in the 21st century and not so much how this was decreed to be in those BC days of human existence. Otherwise, any needs that someone has will not be taken care of, causing them great harm and taking good and promising relationship and throwing them away… which, in my opinion, defeats the purpose and reason for being in a relationship.
The rules are an idea, the way things are supposed to be… and they do not match the reality of things. A woman wants to go back to school and learn something that would not only better herself but allow her to, say, get a really good job and with all the perks that brings… but she’s with a guy who firmly believes that he should be the one bringing home the bacon and all that other man-shit we’re told we are responsible for so he forbids and denies this need she has.
Now, how do you think that’s going to affect her and, ultimately, how it’s going to affect the relationship? You see that this fatal flaw in how we go about having relationship isn’t just about things sexual – it impacts a lot of things in a person’s life but, yeah, bisexuals are acutely aware of this.
Should we change? Yes. Will we change? Eventually it will and pretty much “on its own.” Should we jump start the inevitability of change and make things happen so that we can be happy in our relationships and know that there are really no limits for what we can do for each other to insure happiness and, importantly, good mental and physical health?
Yeah, we should… but we ain’t. Because we cannot think “us” in these things; we’re always thinking “me” – what I like and don’t like, what I believe and what I don’t believe even when we become aware of the fact that what we believe is so totally incompatible with the reality in which we all live in.
There are probably some folks reading this and saying that they wouldn’t step outside the rules even if their very lives depended on it… and without know that their life, such as they know it, could depend on bending or flat-out breaking some rules. There are those folks reading this who believe that the way things are supposed to be is unchangeable and never should be… even when they can see how their beliefs are doing a number on the person they’re with as well as having detrimental impacts on the relationship.
And, strangely, by and large, we’re okay with letting things be fucked up when it’s within our power to not let them get fucked up… and all because we believe some shit that might have made sense centuries ago… but not today.
What would you do if faced with an alternative relationship situation?