Saw a comment on the forum thread about older guys and bisexuality and the comment was about the romantic aspects and that little voice in my head said, “Yeah… a lot of bi guys are leaning more toward sex with romance and “getting away” from sex without it… but why?”
Yeah… y’all know me by now and if you don’t, hold my coffee.
We’ve known all along that sex and romance goes hand in hand and that, in this context, having sex with someone you care about is not only a physical expression of our feelings for them but makes the sex better, meaningful, and with substance. We’ve also known, all along, that sex “for the sake of it,” is just as good, has meaning, and isn’t without substance but because we’ve been told to not have sex with someone unless we have feeling for them, well, it’s a “habit” that we’ve not been able to really break – and not that it should be broken.
Some bi guys don’t care for the romantic aspects and for what I think are two reasons. One is being romantically involved with another guy is just too weird and the other is that a lot of guys are very much romantically involved with a woman or, as I heard a guy say a long time ago now, “Romance? That’s what women are for but when I want a guy, I just want to have sex with him!”
At the end of any day, you do the thing that works best for your sensibilities but this topic, among bi guys, is rather divisive and in other topics I’ve read, the debate on whether or not romance is essential can get rather heated. One camp says that if there are no other feelings involved other than lust, nothing can ever happen while the other camp says that anything other than lust just overly complicates an already complicated situation and more so when a guy is already romantically involved with someone and, oddly, with or without sex.
Decades ago, a woman I was talking to about being bi asked, “How can you have sex with a guy you don’t have any feelings for?” – and it was a good question given how we look at this. It was the first time I said, “I don’t have to have ‘feelings’ for him – I just gotta like him enough to want to have sex with him.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” she said.
“Well, I’m a guy… and it makes sense and probably more so since I happen to love women and having those deeper feelings for them,” I had said.
“So, it’s really all about the sex?” she asked.
“No, not always because I do sometimes feel more for a guy than just an urge to get into his pants,” I said. “But the one thing doesn’t have anything t do with the other, does it?”
She said it did but, sure, she’s a woman and women – and I’ll say generally speaking – aren’t fans of having sex without that emotional connection being in place. Men have gotten a bad rap over the ages because for many of us, the two things are not mutually inclusive and we’re dogs because we can have sex just because we want/need to have sex – but if deeper feelings come into play, okay.
A while ago, I read something I thought was rather pointed: Women look for a relationship and find sex while men look for sex and find a relationship… and I kinda kicked myself because I never thought about it like that even though, as a man, I’d been quite true to this premise – it was a bit of a wakeup call and one I still feel I should have gotten way before I actually did – but that’s me.
Also a while ago, I scribbled about a new “trend” in the M2M dynamic: Bi guys were now looking for a relationship first and I had said, “Hmm… that’s interesting!” While having a same-sex relationship was never really off the table for bi guys – it was something you just didn’t hear a whole lot about – I got to thinking about this shift, digging through a lot of stuff to get to the root of things (and as I’m wont to do) and, okay, I think I see what’s going on here and, in and of itself, actually isn’t a bad thing…
Unless you ask a guy who has zero interest in being romantically involved with another man what he thinks about that. A lot of guy avoid that deep emotional connection like the worst plague in human history but, yeah, they want the dick; they want the intimacy of sex and sex in the “forbidden mode” and, almost predictably, once they begin to realize that their feelings for a guy is more than just sexual, they’re in the wind and as fast as they can manage to do so.
Fact: The only morally “legal” sex is relationship sex. Fact: Fornication – that’s sex without a relationship being in place before the fact – is a sin and one punishable by spending eternity in hell or some other form of purgatory.
Fact: We need to have sex in order for our minds and bodies to work optimally and, also a fact, this need is stronger in men than in women. One theory I read about a few years ago said we behave the way we do about sex because sperm is plentiful but eggs aren’t so women have to be picky about who gets access to their eggs while men don’t have to be picky like that and, really, we’ve all heard about guys needing to “sow their wild oats,” haven’t we?
Social programming and conditioning was designed to keep us – guys – from doing a whole lot of sowing while shaming women into avoiding any sex that didn’t have shit to do with allowing their precious eggs to be fertilized except under certain conditions, oh, like being in a relationship with a guy and being in love, for example.
Yeah… it’s complicated… but despite all of this, men and women do have sex because, um, that shit is fun and if there aren’t any strings attached, so much the better since, preferably, you wanna attach said strings to someone you care about and more than just someone who can scratch that itch for you. But even in things hetersexual, we’ve seen this same behavior where there are two camps, one in favor of casual and recreational sex and one in favor of sex only in a relationship mode and with the appropriate feelings involved.
I’ve been around long enough to see how the dynamic has shifted from guys throwing the dick down on each other because they could to settling into the more formal mode of avoiding casual sex and in favor of relationship sex. Again, not necessarily a bad thing because it represents a form of “normalization,” I think – just because it’s two guys (or two gals) doesn’t mean we can’t go about this the way we’ve always gone about it and this, as strange as it may sound, actually makes a lot of sense…
If we could all agree that it does… and we don’t. A lot of bi guys in the “relationship first” faction get totally bummed out because trying to find a guy who is of a similar mind is pretty damned difficult. It’s not really about being in love and as we understand it – it’s about being able to have sex with someone who is going to be invested is us in some way; maybe not a boyfriend in the conventional sense but, sure, a friend with benefits – and a degree of exclusivity – would work just fine as long as, again, that arrangement is more than a sex-only kind of thing.
More and more guys are opting to keep their pants on if that investment isn’t – or can’t be – established and, again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing but I’ve also seen FWB change from something that’s a bit more than casual to becoming more of a committed thing to be involved in and it’s not that surprising because this is something we know about and know well – it’s normal to have loads of sex with someone you care about, considered distasteful to just have sex because it can be done.
The “hearts, not parts” gang gotta be deliriously happy about this but their premise is more pie in the sky stuff than what’s really going on since sex is about the parts but historically rarely without taking into consideration the “heart” attached to the “parts” or, simply, we do think about who we wanna have sex with which is why, I think, we rarely, if ever, have sex with someone we know we don’t like or can’t find something interesting enough about them so that sex can be done.
Or, as I say, I don’t have to be all into a guy to get nasty with him – I just gotta like him enough to want to. Here’s the thing I grew up with: You find a guy interesting enough that you wanna get naked with him and if he’s agreeable, it’s a done deal. If the interest continues either because the sex was all that and/or you find that you have more in common than just liking dick, so much the better because who doesn’t want to have that friend they can be open enough with to have sex? Wait… isn’t it said that having sex with a friend isn’t a good thing? Yeah, it is… and now you might begin to see some shit taking shape and some shit that I’ve always found interesting because it’s a contradiction – perception versus truth – and, yep, complicated.
Some guys say, “I can’t see myself falling in love with another guy…” and that’s in the romantic sense; we slice and dice it because many of us will tell a guy, “I love you like a brother, man!” – but that love isn’t romantic and might not be sexual at all and as such, it’s all good. But, again, there are a growing number of men who are of a mind that romantic intent is implied in this and it kinda fucks with some guys because, um, they’re already romantically involved and usually with a woman.
It sounds crude but some guys are really of a mind that if they have a woman, they have the best romantic outlet known to mankind which lends itself to a lot of disappointment because when your need for romance is in hand, the “only other thing” you need to go along with the romance is sex – theoretically speaking, of course… and men are infamously known for being able to have sex without romance being involved – we look for sex and find a relationship.
A lot of guys are of a mind that, say, wanting to suck a dick (or five or ten) and just because it can be done is the wrong way to go about doing this and, I think, with great disregard for the fact that, um, men do behave like this. It’s not that we’re “afraid” of romantic entanglement – we just somehow know that you can have one without the other but, sure, when you can have both, that works, too.
Women say that we’re emotionally closed off… and that’s not really true – we’re just not open 24/7 to our emotions like that because we’re taught to keep our emotions in check, well, except for getting pissed off about shit. It’s not that we’re opposed to romance – many of us are hopeless romantics at heart but many of us say, have said, will say, that being in love or otherwise romantically involved with a guy just can’t happen… or it’s not supposed to… but it does since we know about gay men. Even I once said I could never fall in love with a guy… then I did and it was eye-opening, magnificent, and the strangest thing I’ve ever experienced.
But, like so many other guys, I don’t need to be “in love” with you to want to have sex with you. I have to like you and to whatever degree that happens to be – yep, I do pay attention to the “hearts” thing because not paying attention to this aspect of things just doesn’t make any sense at all. But I understand something and something it seems to me a lot of guys don’t: Men aren’t women and I find it a bit “disturbing” to see a lot of guys being of a mind that they can deal with a guy in the same manner they’d deal with a woman. Emotionally, we’re different – big time duh – but in other ways, not so much. Guys fret and fuss about dating each other and how problematic this is for them and, I think, because dating is a prelude to establishing a relationship… and a lot of guys just ain’t feeling that and more so if they’re already in a relationship and getting some dick is that “something on the side” thing.
In this, some guys are trying to invoke a form of monogamy into a sexual situation that doesn’t lend itself to the rules of monogamy; if you’re already in a relationship, tacking on another relationship “doesn’t make sense” but the sex? Yeah, that can still happen, you know, if you want to and we don’t really have to be more than just friends for this…
And, apparently, this is becoming less true these days. I sit back and take note of these particular debates and I marvel at them because I can see, if no one else does, that wanting to be in a meaningful relationship with someone and with sex as a perk is something that’s ingrained in all of us – now, whether or not it really works has always been up in the air. We’d prefer to surround ourselves with people who give a fuck about us as a person and avoid those people who just see us as a means to an end.
So if “Pete” just wanted to hook up with “Carl” just to have sex without developing a more deeper bond, well, “Carl” probably ain’t feeling that NSA stuff… and “Pete” isn’t looking to get “tied down” with another guy like this and the end result is nothing happens… when both guys know that something should happen and because it’s supposed to – or it could if we weren’t now of two minds about this.
It’s fascinating to see this at work and more so since I’m now able to see this at work more than ever before thanks to the Internet and having better access to other bisexual men and their thoughts – and feelings – about this. Bi guys are saying that you can’t get their dick or their ass (or both) without some kind of commitment or investment in them… and others are saying that all of this ain’t even necessary. Nice but not mandatory in the grand scheme of things. We want a guy to come back (and, yeah, literally so) for more of us, not just for the sex we can provide but because of us as a living, breathing and, yes, feeling person. If you just wanna get at us and we’ll never see or hear from you again, well, that’s not cool – and now guys are finding out something that women know about us and tend to despise us for.
And it’s no wonder that some gay men avoid bi men at all costs because we’re not so inclined to be romantically involved. Yes – like you enough to want to bump uglies with you, not so much of a mind to play house with you and, facts being what they tend to be, a lot of guys shy away from M2M romance because – and I almost ‘hate’ to say it – it’s too gay for their sensibilities and, well, um, bi guys aren’t homosexual guys and to “expect” a bi guy to behave like a true homosexual doesn’t seem to make sense because we love those crazy women too much to give them up just to be romantically and sexually exclusive to and with another guy. But, yeah, even that happens but you don’t hear much about it when it does.
Finally – and I know y’all are thinking, “It’s about time!” – we have long held to the fact that love and sex aren’t the same things – they just work well together except, even where sexuality is concerned, sex without love or, realistically, that emotional bond being established and firmly in place is just wrong and in the minds of many. To those folks who see bisexuality as some kind of abnormal behavior, I wanna tell you that it’s not as abnormal as you think it is because, regardless of sexuality, we all want the same things in life. We want and need sex and preferably with someone we care about and who cares about us and bisexuals, it seems, are falling in line with this preference because you don’t have to rely on a single source to be able to have and get both affection and sex.
The “problem” is that the reality we don’t want to really acknowledge says something different and, so, bi guys are of two minds about this and I’m not gonna say that one side is more right than the other because it’s all about what works for an individual and, perhaps, not so much the way things are supposed to be.
You decide if romance is mandatory or not even if you’re not bisexual. Think about why you feel the way you do about it and maybe you’ll see why this fascinates me so much.