Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Guilt, Denial, and Self-loathing

13 Jan

You don’t have to be a board-certified mental health professional to know that these three things aren’t good for anyone regardless of sexuality so it stands to reason that there are a lot of bisexuals who finds themselves dealing with these three very troubling emotions.

Bi guys – and maybe gals – talk about the guilt they feel upon discovering that they’re not as straight as they believed themselves to be and denial showing up is almost a given as well as that sickening sense of self-loathing. Even when they get around to learning that being bisexual isn’t as abnormal as they thought or was told, shaking The Bad Three isn’t all that easy but, yeah, having The Bad Three pay you a visit is also rather normal and is what, I think, makes it very difficult for a lot of people to admit to themselves that they’re bisexual.

“I don’t like guys like that!” This is denial and one’s mind literally trying to deny that they’re not feeling the way they’re actually feeling. It is… assumed that in order to be bisexual, you should like men in the same way one would like women and while this helps, it’s not really true but keep in mind that the rules say that men shouldn’t have any sexual interest in other men to begin with.

“This happens to other guys!” Yes, it does – but a lot of guys just do not believe it could ever happen to them. Another one: “But I’m not gay!” No, you’re not – duh.

Some guys feel guilty that they have these feeling toward men – again, we’re just not ever supposed to want to have carnal knowledge of each other and the mere thought of it evokes feelings of guilt and its partner, self-loathing. “I shouldn’t feel this way at all!” and yet, you do, huh? Some guys admit to self-loathing and guilt while they’re masturbating to gay porn and both members of The Bad Three tends to land on them like the proverbial ton of bricks immediately after ejaculation.

Some of that is the, ah, subject matter they were choking the chicken to and the rest is a side effect of the refractory period of sex when the depletion of certain brain chemicals just leaves one feeling not so good. Still, a lot of guys hate that seeing a hard dick or a nice male ass turns them on and, again, because this ain’t how this shit is supposed to work.

Yet, this is what’s happening and, again, the denial kicks in and at some point, it gets into a guy’s head that having these feelings really don’t make a lot of sense. Some guys are able to kick The Bad Three to the curb and accept that this is what it is and being in denial, feeling guilty, and catering to self-loathing is self-defeating and even harmful to themselves.

Some guys can’t get past this even with professional help. The power of belief is pretty damned strong and many folks have a hard time accepting this when it become apparent that everything they believed about this is just got invalidated and this going both ways thing isn’t just something that happens to other people.

They say the truth hurts… and the truth will set you free and it’s pretty weird and fucked up that both things are true.

My protege and I talk about this and he’ll ask me how I dealt with the guilt, denial, and self-loathing and, hmm, I really have to think about that. With denial, I had determined that it didn’t make sense for me to be all up in being bisexual and then telling myself that I shouldn’t be doing it, shouldn’t like it, stuff like that; it was telling myself a lie that I just couldn’t make myself believe. Now the guilt and self-loathing? Whole different thing and I told him that there are a lot of times when I feel the guilt and self-loathing trying to eat at me even when I was in the middle of getting busy and the way I dealt with it was to learn how to ignore it.

I’d learned the source of this, that being, everything I was told sex is supposed to be and that this… prohibition is deeply ingrained in me – and as it is almost everyone – and it’s not going away… so it didn’t make sense for me to keep paying attention to it. Of course, before I got the hang of it, I’d spend some time rooting around in these feelings to figure out – and understand – why I felt this way when, um, a few minutes ago, I was feeling very different.

Your mind will just fuck with you any and every time you think about or do something you “know” you shouldn’t be thinking about, let alone be doing. Once I learned about social conditioning and the roots of morality – including all that Old Testament stuff that people still cite, okay – the guilt and self-loathing is kinda built-in and the key to defeating it is understanding that there’s nothing to feel guilty about and hating on yourself because of it is counterproductive and harmful.

Not everyone can do this and I make it sound kinda easy and I can assure you that it wasn’t. I didn’t like feeling the guilt and self-loathing so, at least for myself, the answer was to stop letting those two things fuck with me. Even today, I can be sucking a guy’s dick and having big time fun… and I can “hear” the guilt and self-loathing ranting and raving from the cage I learned to lock them into. I can’t silence them… but I can ignore them.

Guys ask how they can not feel The Bad Three and there are no easy answers and it will severely test one’s ability to readjust their thinking and do something about what they’ve always believed in since there’s plenty of evidence to support the fact that what you believe in is, at the very least, incorrect. It’s just hard getting the truth of this to replace one’s beliefs; it can’t be true, can it, because we’re not supposed to do shit like this, right?

Well, yeah – we’re not supposed to… yet, we do, don’t we? Now which thing is actually the truth? And good luck accepting that, yup, we might be batshit crazy about women… but we can be this way about men, too, and again, there’s plenty of evidence to support this and, um, yeah, if this is how you’re feeling and thinking, you’re part of the evidence as well.

That’s why being bisexual tends to fuck with peoples’ head so much. You can see the denial aspects still in play with those people who avoid identifying as a bisexual and in the many ways they do or, as y’all know I say a lot, they’re not the duck they’re quacking like. The guilt isn’t easy to mitigate or to lock away and some guys know that the guilt – in the form of the social conditioning and refractory period – is going to hit them hard and they’re of a mind that they’ll worry about it later, you know, after some nuts get busted – and then they teach themselves not to worry about it.

The self-loathing is even harder because one has to admit that they like/love doing something they know they’re not supposed to be doing. I have actually heard guys say how much they hate the fact that they like having a guy sucking their dick, hate that they like sucking dick as well as hating screwing a guy and/or being screwed… but they do, in fact, like/love it and that’s pretty damned obvious; otherwise, they wouldn’t be doing it.

And the self-loathing – now being called internalized homophobia – can just fuck you up since there’s that part of your mind that continues to believe that while guys getting with guys is a very real thing, you’re not supposed to feel that way and now you hate that you do.

How do you get someone to stop hating on themselves? Yeah – you see the problem, don’t you?

I often talk about the social programming and conditioning and how successful bisexuals find ways to break the conditioning which is exactly what happens and now it’s a reality check that denial wants to avoid. Men are not suppose to have any sexual interest in other men… but you do have that interest even if you don’t do anything about it. The denial continues to insist that not only are you not supposed to get a raging erection over other men, um, that’s not what’s making you horny – you really need some pussy! Yeah! That’s the ticket! But, nah, that’s not what you really need and the reality of this need is pretty damned apparent.

You know it, you feel it, and as many do, you give in to the need and feelings and, yup, that’s the real ticket and now that you’ve broken the conditioning, you’re gonna feel like shit because you did – and that’s just how it works and will keep working unless you can find a way to suspend your beliefs or replace them with the truth.

Some men are sexually and even emotionally interested in both men and women and, shit, that’s actually a lot more normal than we’ve been made to believe. The guilt, denial, and self-loathing are emotional constructs and one reason why a lot of people suffer over this is that their intelligence and logic is often unequal to the task of shutting down this very emotional response and it creates a conflict that, sadly, many people cannot resolve.

Then, when you fold in the social angst against such behaviors, yeah, maybe now you can get a better feel why The Bad Three fucks with people as badly as it does. What will my friends think of me if they found out that I have a thing going on with me about sucking dicks or being fucked? Shit, my family will toss me out on my ass and even literally so! Even I used to think that, fuck, I’m going to hell when I die, ain’t I? Yeah, probably… but I also know that if this is true, I’m going to have a lot of company so, nah, I got better things to do other than worrying about this.

I had to tell myself that I do, in fact, have more important things to be concerned about other than having this ongoing battle with guilt, denial, and self-loathing… and some of the things I have to do are the same things that cause the guilt, denial, and self-loathing in the first place. I’m not supposed to get all randy and horny thinking about having sex with a guy… yet – and undeniably – I do. I’m not supposed to get with a guy and go about satisfying the urge to have sex with him… yet – and undeniably – I have and will do just that. And hating myself because of this just does not ever make any sense. Others can hate me for being this way but is that really my problem… or is it them who has the real problem in that they continue to believe something I know isn’t true? And if they do hate, despise, and even reject me for this, should I worry myself sick about it?

I could – and many people do – but the truth is that I don’t because, I’ll keep saying it: It doesn’t make sense. It’s counterproductive and very self-destructive behavior; I’ve seen how this fucks other people up and the question for myself is do I want to be one of those poor people? Hell, no, I don’t. Yes – my heart always goes out to them because I do know what they’re going through – been there, felt all of it… but “defeated” it… because not kicking The Bad Three to the curb just does not ever make sense.

Yep – I’ve broken the rules and I’m okay with that because I have to be; it’s vital to my continued existence to be okay with it and I’ve learned something I think is very important: Just because I can do it doesn’t mean I always have to but, yeah, if I want to, I will do it because, um, it feels good to have sex, to be intimate with someone at this level and as far as liking goes, all I have to do is like the other person – male or female – enough to want to have sex with them.

Ya almost have to rewrite shit in your head about being bisexual. I think one should have a better understanding of what sex really is and what it means to have sex and right along with gaining an understanding why the rules we all believe and try to live by exist in the first place and understand that because of social conditioning guilt, denial, and self-loathing are things we are taught to feel in this. You wanna have sex, dude? Go find a woman and convince her to have sex with you because that’s what you’re supposed to do and without exception…

Except, that’s not how it really works, is it? We do, in fact, know this and we keep denying that it really doesn’t work like this and it sure as hell ain’t ever supposed to happen to me… and then it does… and let the internalized cluster fuck commence.

I say that it is not that one will feel guilty, be in denial, or even hate themselves for how they’re feeling – it’s what they’re able to do about it and the truth is some people handle this much better than others. I think the real key and solution to this will come when we, as a society, accepts that this is how people can go about love and sex and, yeah, mostly sex. We know that we all have this drive to have sex and many of us go out of our way to deny the urge when we feel it and especially when that urge is pushing you toward someone who, anatomically, is “just like you.”

The question becomes one of why should anyone feel guilty and all that over something that’s normal for us to do – have sex? Why is same-sex stuff so forbidden and even repulsive? And, as I’ve put to you time and time again, ask yourself why you feel the way you do about this… but you folks are pretty smart – you know why you do because you’ve been conditioned to react negatively when it comes to this.

Yup… you’ve been mindfucked but don’t feel bad – everyone gets mindfucked and getting “unfucked” is going to make you feel guilty, put you into a denial mode of thinking, and even make you hate yourself because you’re feeling something you’ve been told not to feel.

Now you gotta get over it, you know, if you want and need to and that’s never an easy thing to do… but people do it because if nothing else, we are quite adaptable and we are quite capable of rewriting our minds to suspend our beliefs so that we can see the truth of this and, as such, relegate The Bad Three to some deep, dark, sealed room in our minds so they can rant and rave and threaten all they want to. You can’t not hear them… but you don’t have to pay them any mind because to do so will keep messing up your head and, forever and ever, it never makes sense to do this to yourself.

The Bad Three can be mitigated. I know how I did it and I am all too aware of the fact that how I did it ain’t gonna work for everyone – ya just gotta find a way to not let The Bad Three fuck with you and stop you from doing what you know you want and need to do. I keep saying that when it comes to bisexuality, people are more focused on what sex is happening but don’t pay a lot of attention to the internal stuff except to snipe at bisexuals for having some form of mental illness and to that end, they’re actually right about that given that the social conditioning set the stage for being “mentally ill” to begin with so, yeah – people who are trying to break the conditioning will have one hell of a time rearranging stuff in their head so that they aren’t so “mentally ill.”

I’m just saying it can be done. Myself and a great many others have done it and are no worse for wear for it. It’s not feeling badly about a well-known fact of life: We like having sex and we need to have sex. The truth is, um, we really can have sex with anyone, male or female, and more people than can be counted are all up in it and doing well as far as their mental health is concerned. They might be depressed or whatever over other things in their lives… but this is one thing that’s not fucking with them because they’ve found a way to not let it fuck with them and get in the way of their need to have sex and to otherwise be intimate with someone.

Just my two cents (or more) about this – and I know I could be wrong.

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Posted by on 13 January 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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