Honesty is the best policy. The truth will set you free. Other such platitudes about truth and honesty and, famously, “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”
Bisexuality is a truth that many people don’t want to hear. I’ve written quite a bit about coming out and the pros and cons of it and even bisexuals tend to waffle about being honest about it because if there’s nothing I’ve learned over all this time, being honest about it can be hazardous.
Or, as I’ve told people a lot over the course of my life, “Don’t ask me any questions you don’t want to hear the answers to…” and I’ve advised, “If you don’t really want to know, don’t ask…” because chances are good the answers are going to ruin your whole day.
More often than not, some are quite honest about their bisexuality… but not only is the truth hard to handle for some, it can conjure up all kinds of shit in someone’s mind and, oddly, much of it untrue, like the bisexual who tells a partner about their bisexuality and it’s something they just now became aware of and dealing with… and that person would be called a liar if asked, “Well, were you doing this shit when we met?”
You can tell them no – never crossed your mind… and they just won’t believe you and the accusations, wow – never underestimate the power of someone’s imagination and more so when we tend to think in terms of worst-case situations more than we think in the few positive situations that our minds will, grudgingly, provide.
Then there’s that lie of omission thing that I’ve always found baffling because you can be tagged for being dishonest just because you didn’t say something about… something. Anything. Slipped your mind. You didn’t think it was relevant and, yeah, you knew that if you said something about it, you’d might be lucky to walk away from the resulting argument with only a size 16 asshole and your head barely attached to your body.
It is often ironic for someone to be very much in love with someone but, upon hearing the truth of their sexuality, everything changes and not for the good. You were all on board with them… until you learned this about them and the question I tend to ask in this situation is, “What really changed other than you found out something about them you didn’t know?”
Before they let you know, you loved them and all that… but you hear that, oh, back in their college days, they had a same-sex fling and now your whole life has been shattered… over something that happened before the two of you even knew each other existed. Or, you’ve been going right along for years, living, loving (and screwing) each other, all that good stuff but then everything gets all fucked up when, one day, they tell you how they’ve been feeling and thinking lately, that they’ve been feeling same-sex attractions and now the shit hits the fan over something that didn’t exist before… but it’s there now.
And the one thing that makes me insane over this matter of honesty is how you can tell someone this and the moment they hear it, it stops being about you… and it’s now all about them and how utterly offended and even betrayed they feel.
The question I’ve always managed to squeeze in is, “Wait – how does something that has to do with me get to be about you?”
Any wonder why so many bisexuals are not of a mind to let too many people know this about themselves? It’s not that a bisexual doesn’t want the truth to be known – it’s that a lot of people can’t handle it even when chances are good that they know, if only in theory, that bisexuals exist and, of course, the anguish one can feel having their butt-hole resized is made worse when you tell the one person you thought would be more understanding than others.
Many call it being dishonest… while there are many who call it erring on the side of caution or my childhood favorite (courtesy of my very wise mother), “You never give someone a stick to beat you with.” There are those who would – or could – counter this gem of wisdom by saying that if you weren’t some kind of pervert to begin with, there wouldn’t be a problem, huh? Doesn’t change the facts of the matter, though, and the real problem isn’t that someone is one of those “perverts” – it’s that the person hearing this can’t handle the truth of things – it is, forever and ever, what they believe trumping the reality of things.
True enough, some people just don’t give a fuck – you are what you are and whatever floats your boat. They might even add, “Well, I wouldn’t do that…” and that’s fine or, um, sometimes, they know the same truth that you do… but they’re not gonna say anything about it – is that a lie of omission or “simply” a matter of this not being any of your damned business?
My protege and I talk about this from time to time and he’s… impressed at how older guys (like me) can be so no-nonsense by all of this and a lot of it is that we’re just too old and been around the block so many times that we just don’t have the time or the patience to deal with the dumb shit. It is what it is and for whatever reason it is and whether you like it or not – grow up already, for Pete’s sake.
Bisexuals are more affected by what other people are gonna think than they are by their own thoughts which, admittedly, can be all kinds of tumultuous but there isn’t a bisexual I don’t know of who doesn’t eventually think, “What am I gonna do/say if someone else finds out?” and, classically, I think, “What if my wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee/fiance finds out?”
Oh, they’re gonna be some kind of pissed off and they just might dump us even if we’ve not done one damned thing about our thoughts and feelings other than to examine them because for those late to the party, ya still wanna know the answer to two questions: Why me and why now?
Shit, sometimes, you can’t even express an opinion about the matter without someone looking at you sideways and wondering if your opinion means that you’re one of those perverts. They will think that you’re a secretive, down-low kind of motherfucker if you say that you know something about sucking dick – but not because you’ve actually sucked a dick; someone hearing you say this won’t even consider that you’re a guy and you’ve probably had your dick sucked quite a few times and what guy hasn’t watched porn and seen dicks being sucked?
And of course, the same can be said about women and there are women who have never been licked and eaten… but they know about it because they know other women who have been eaten – and there’s still porn (and some women do watch porn). So you can be honest in expressing an opinion and it will be met with such derision that, yeah, it’ll make you wish you hadn’t said anything.
In this – and in most cases – if your thoughts about this doesn’t match the other person’s thoughts, that’s a problem. What one believes, again, tends to trump knowledge – we know that there are bisexuals but because Person X doesn’t believe in that shit, Person Y – who said something about it – is now persona non grata – get away from me, you perverted motherfucker!
It is our own collective ignorance that makes the truth hard to accept in this, our collective refusal to accept the truth and reality that there are some people who do, in fact, have sex with both men and women. What’s that you say? You’d never do some nasty shit like that? Well, good for you… but what does that have to do with me? You liked me before I said something about this… and now you don’t?
It seems to me that I’m not the one with the problem and I’m certainly not the one being in denial about anything. I have actually heard people say, on the one hand, that they don’t have a problem with bisexuality – to each his own and all that – but ask them how they’d react if their man/woman were to reveal that they’re feeling bisexual? Whole different situation, huh? I have seen very intelligent people behave… unintelligently because their intelligence has now left the building… over a truth they cannot accept even though their intelligence, if it were allowed to, could easily accept it.
We talk a lot about the acceptance of bisexuality as a legit human sexuality trait because, um, it is… but as long as there is one person who “doesn’t believe in that perverted shit,” acceptance is never going to happen all across the board. Many ask what’s the point in being honest about it when all it tends to do is fuck a lot of shit up – and shit that wasn’t fucked up before one decided to be honest about it?
On the forum, we talk about this a lot. A guy says that he wants to tell his wife, girlfriend – anyone, really – about his sexuality but is fairly sure that he’s gonna get his asshole ripped open (and unpleasantly so) and his head handed to him and get dumped if he tells her this.
And some guys respond by saying – and I’m paraphrasing – “You should tell her anyway even if everything the two of you had together gets trashed – because honesty is the best policy…” and, please, I want you to keep in mind that they say this even for those bisexuals who aren’t having the sex and not planning on having any of it. So what they’re saying is that if you feel that you’re bisexual, you should tell all and take the risk that your whole life up to that point just might get shredded and disposed of.
If you can’t “safely” share any thoughts you have about being bisexual, you can imagine how they might react to learn that, oh, way back when you were in the seventh grade, you and some friends got into some same-sex stuff because it sounded like a good idea at the time – and maybe it really was, maybe not so much. You don’t get any Brownie points for not doing a damned thing like this after that event in your life and, as sure as shit is what it is, if you did it before, you will do it again.
Do you see the problem here? Do you see why there are an untold number of people who aren’t of a mind to be as honest about this as it’s said everyone should be? Yeah, sure – if you’re out there on the DL and having the sex and, uh, let’s say you’re not really being as safe as you could be when sucking that dick or chowing down on that pussy – and you’re in a relationship, you probably do need to tell them what you’ve been up to because keeping them safe is paramount if you’re still having sex with them.
The question is: How are they gonna react upon hearing this? And if you’re thinking very, very badly, you’ve pretty much got it right so now you’re in that “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation that I’m sure no one likes being in.
In order for the truth to be accepted, everyone has to know what the truth really is and believe it. The truth is people are and can be bisexual and at any time in their life. It’s not the way people are supposed to be – and why we keep believing this and in the face of both bi- and homosexuality – just continues to astound the shit out of me. Not everyone is straight – but we continue to believe that everyone should be… but we know that not everyone is straight.
And I think the biggest lie – the biggest act of denial – is when we know the truth of things but continue to believe that the truth is a lie, that this bisexual thing shouldn’t be… but it really is and always has been.
You want the truth? Can you handle the truth, not just where someone else is concerned but even where you might be? Ya might not be feeling this now… but what if, one day, it’s you who has something to tell someone? Huh? It’ll never happen? Yeah… I’ve heard that one before and the truth ya might not wanna hear is that people do get their minds changed about this even if the reason only makes sense to them. It could happen to you and now the question is how are you gonna feel when it’s you being subjected to such hatred and rejection… when you’re being honest?
Do you now see the problem? Granted, there are a lot of bisexuals who have revealed themselves to others and everything is cool – those folks could handle the truth just fine even if the bisexual is their man or woman. The big push shouldn’t be about acceptance – it should be an awareness of a truth that the “powers that be” do not want anyone to know about and if you do know about it, they want you to believe it’s a very bad thing and it should be rejected – and because they said so.
Who’s being dishonest now? Who is perpetrating that lie of omission?