Today's Bisexual Thoughts: The Hassle

19 Mar

As early as 1970 or so, part of the “running joke” about switch-hitters – aka, bisexuals – was that they’d fuck anything moving, wearing pants or a dress, and above ambient temperature. Even upon hearing this, this… slight was more about bisexual men than women. As the “joke” spread, I’d started hearing about how greedy we were as well as being confused; they weren’t saying that we were in denial about being gay – yet – but they just assumed that all bisexuals were gay whether we tried to deny it or not. The more I heard the snide remarks and back-handed comments, the clearer it became that these references were, again, more about bi guys than bi gals but the ladies weren’t immune from the prejudice: They were all man-hating “bull dyke” lesbians.

The perception was that switch-hitters were running wild, having sex willy-nilly and, well, from my perspective, that seemed to have some truth to it but we were also well into the sexual revolution at that time and people everywhere was screwing like rabbits, taking the chant, “Make love, not war!” to heart and literally so.

That along with, “If it feels good, do it.” And, um, since it did feel good, it was getting done and sexuality – and even in our limited understanding at the time, didn’t seem to really play into things. Since homosexuals were getting a lot of unwanted attention – and switch-hitters were batting from both sides of the plate, whatever promiscuity gays were being accused of landed on bisexuals with twice the weight and ire.

So the stigma was up and running, causing homosexuals to be subjected to a lot of hate and, as a result, driving bisexuals deep underground and a “process” made easier because even back then, you couldn’t look a someone and tell if they were bisexual, not like you could almost easily and effortlessly identify homosexuals… even if they weren’t flaunting their sexuality for all to see.

Still, if you were bisexual at this time, getting laid – from either side of the plate – wasn’t that difficult and, as a caveat, I’ll say that it depended upon where you lived; where I lived, sure – there was more pussy and dick to be had and more so given the number of very horny teenagers running around in the 1970s (and, yeah, I was one of them). Bisexuals had to tread carefully lest they get outed and tagged as being gay which could result in great ridicule or, sadly, physical harm… and all someone had to do was to have a beef with you, start a rumor that you played for both teams, and now you’d find yourself stuck with a reputation for being a homo, faggot, queer, etc..

By the time HIV arrived on the scene in the late 1970s/early 1980s, homosexual men were being targeted more than ever before, driving bisexuals even deeper underground so as not to keep getting confused with homosexuals but the “switch-hitter” jokes were still in play and I’ll say that, again, from my perspective, they were merely a way to get under someone’s skin and get them riled up more than they were an actual accusation but, sure, a lot of people I knew – including myself – would sometimes have someone roll up on them and say something like, “I hear you go both ways – is that true?”

And even if the person being asked was as straight as a ruler. So the innuendo that bisexuals were running around screwing everyone without a care in the world was really bullshit but, as you probably know, people are more likely to believe the bullshit than they are to believe the truth. Even still – and despite all this drama – if you were bisexual, it wasn’t that much of a hassle to scratch your itches when you needed to and more so when, in a lot of cases, some of the people ranting and raving about playing for both teams were, themselves, playing for both teams as well.

Let’s now skip ahead to the here and now. Probably more bisexuals in the mix than at any other time but where being bi used to be a joke, it’s now a condemnation and, if you’re male, that’s worse than being gay. While some bisexuals gird their loins and come out as being bi, many more witness the backlash and remain “in the closet” and find themselves being driven deeper underground even though there’s probably no one who doesn’t know what being on the down-low means. I’ve seen many instances where there are people who, for some reason I don’t pretend to understand, are so insular in their mindset that to them, bisexual is synonymous with homosexual. Women have been riled up big time against bisexual men and more than I can remember in days gone by thanks to all the bullshit going around about bisexuality, I guess a lot of women just assume that if the guy they’re with (or interested in) is even suspected of being bisexual, well, ain’t he the worst motherfucker ever born?

And even if it isn’t true that homey is bi. At times, you’ll see me write that this behavior isn’t as new as it appears to be because a lot of the things being said about bisexuals – and bisexual men, in particular – are very similar to what I heard said about homosexual men. The double standard where it’s a “crime” for a guy to be bi but not so much for a woman to be bi has grown a lot although, again, bi gals don’t really get that much of a pass being bi because, as “everyone knows,” they’re just faking the funk to get their hands on a man since, you know, all men think that having a bisexual woman is the greatest thing ever.

Even when that sentiment isn’t as true as one might think. I write a lot about what I see where men trying to get some dick goes; I often get… wistful and sigh a lot (and roll my eyes) to see how some guys are behaving in this and how they’re going about things and in ways that makes being bisexual more of a hassle now than at any other time I can recall.

I am really and seriously not kidding or joking when I say that back in the day, all you had to do was ask a guy if he wanted to do it and either he did or he didn’t. Maybe a little backlash but not really that much if you guessed wrong about the guy (or he guessed wrongly about you). Comparatively speaking, it really was easier to get the dick you wanted than it is today and while the increased and ongoing angst is responsible for a lot of the lack of easiness, the reason why getting some dick is so terribly difficult stems from how difficult guys are making it.

Bi women have a different kind of problem. I don’t think they purposely make it hard on themselves to get a woman but, as mentioned, they have their own stigma to deal with and there are a lot of men who just do not think having a bisexual girlfriend/wife is an ideal situation and, as a result, you either have a whole lot of very depressed women walking around or, yeah, they’re getting some on the side anyway. Part of the stigma bi women have always had to deal with is the dreaded threesome and something that not all women are interested in even if they aren’t bisexual. A lot of bi women are just not of a mind to reveal their sexuality because it’s almost a given that someone is gonna mention a threesome and they can get so pissy about it that you can’t even joke with them about it.

There are a lot of women who want to be able to express their bisexuality but old school thinking about relationships and the dreaded threesome thing keeps them stuck in place and miserably so. Even worse for some ladies, they can be a with a guy who is okay with his gal being bi… as long as he can get in on the action or, much, much worse, wants to control everything she does in this and that includes picking the woman he thinks is the right one for her and dictating what they can do, when they can do it, stuff like that.

I sit back and observe all of this and ask myself, “What the hell is going on?” and mostly because, again, I can clearly remember a time when the hassle wasn’t this bad. I talk a lot about how the dynamic has changed and some of the changes haven’t been what I’d call good ones. Yes – more men and women are checking out this bisexual thing and embracing it despite the ongoing bullshit being flung all over the place.

It’s just much harder for a bisexual to be bisexual even though the social angst is slowly but surely losing steam and power; I find it quite curious to see that a lot of the angst against bisexuals and bisexuality isn’t coming from heterosexuals even though it’s being said that straight folks are the main ones up in arms about this bisexual thing… and it’s not them making the most noise about it.

There’s a certain… logic that can be applied here and, for the most part, it’s rather simple (nah, not really but bear with me on this). One can set their intelligence to the task of stating the case of why being bisexual can make sense and more so when no matter what a lot of people think, not all bisexuals have the sex that’s possible; some are quite happy just being aware of their feelings in this, thank you very much.

Or, as Cityman loves to say, “If you can do it, why not?” The reality says that if you want to, you can, and even if your reason for doing so only makes sense to you… but a lot of people who might want to won’t… because it’s such a hassle. Between this refocused angst to an incredibly stubborn mindset that’s still present in society, one can easily make the case for themselves to check out bisexuality but it’s at this point where the logic tends to fail and no matter how impeccable it is. Oh, you can, you know, if you want to, jump on the bandwagon… if you don’t give a flying fuck about the backlash that’s most certainly going to come your way and backlash that I’ve found is more based in emotion than in actual intellectually derived fact.

The hassle is impressively oppressive and that’s not a good thing. Each and every day, I get to watch guys writing about how terribly difficult it is for them to do something about their sexuality but not understanding that a lot of their difficulties is of their own doing, that and more people today are very worried about what someone is going to say about them than, again, any other time I can remember. I see men being pickier and funnier about getting with guys and to the extent that it’s starting to make being able to get with a woman look downright easy – and we all know that it was never easy to begin with. It is disheartening to see so many women being cowed and forced to suppress their thoughts and feelings in this and all because of what someone else thinks and/or says about it.

And I’m not really sure what the true root cause of this is. The hassle is really and truly the motherfucker to end all motherfuckers; I see people going out of their way to make this harder than it has to be; I see guys whining and complaining about not being able to find someone they can explore the possibilities with… while doing absolutely nothing toward getting what they want. They set the bar really high; if you’re not exactly and precisely what they want and in every aspect, you’re dismissed and deemed unacceptable. The many apps available, sure, they’re a cluster fuck into themselves but if they don’t do anything, they let other guys know that there’s a lot more dick available where they live than they want to believe.

A guy on the forum was talking about being unable to find a friend he can do something with and it made me ask, “What are you doing to make that happen?” And, amazingly, a lot of guys are, again, doing absolutely nothing. They don’t want to use an app, don’t want to get out and socialize anywhere there might be other bisexuals; they express an ongoing frustration about not being able to tell whether a guy is bi or not… and it remains true, at least in my experiences, that you just cannot look a guy and tell that he’s bi or even has his own thoughts about being bi.

I’ve seen guys setting criteria and preferences that I find… incredible and, in some cases, highly unrealistic; it’s like they’re doing everything they can think of not to do what they say they very much want to do. I see guys who actually believe that if you hook up with some random guy, you’re going to get very badly infected with something and as a matter of course while believing that having what amounts to a boyfriend is totally safer.

And it makes me rhetorically ask, “What the fuck?” See, I grew up in a time where the last thing a bi guy wanted to do was be in a relationship with another man; hook up and do each other and as much as can be done? Sure! If the sex was that good, why not get more of it… as long as it was still in the NSA mode. As an aside, a lot of gay men just flat out didn’t like us because of the lack of interest in being a boyfriend – where do you think that shit about bisexuals not being able to commit came from?

If you had a friend and y’all discovered that, hmm, we could have sex with each other – think bro-job at the very least – all well and good and more so when the two of you hanging out a lot wouldn’t draw a lot of suspicion.

Today? Wow. Guys are more relationship-minded and while there’s some sense to this, what it really does it make the hassle more of a hassle, you know, given the number of very willing men and dicks that are obviously out there.

I’m thinking that any time a guy turns me down because I don’t have a nine-plus inch dick, there’s something not quite right going on. If a guy turns me down because I merely trim my pubic hair – but not use a razor on my junk – yeah, something’s wrong here. When I see a bunch of guys bemoaning casual sex like it’s the most evil thing ever, my god, what is going on here? Why is this being made into more of a hassle than anything else?

And when I see guys bitching and moaning about not being able to find a guy to throw it down with – and they’re not doing anything to help their cause – yeah, there’s something really wrong going on… and I can’t seem to point to any one thing that explains this behavior. True enough – a lot of bisexuals, both male and female, are thumbing their noses at the social angst and doing what they gotta do to get what they want and need and if anyone ain’t liking it, well, it sucks to be them.

Many are embracing bisexuality because they understand that, ultimately, the responsibility for their satisfaction is theirs and theirs alone and relying on one person to take care of every need they may have in this is unrealistic and the very old way of doing things which many people are also seeing how archaic this school of thought is and it truly isn’t keeping up with how people have changed over all this time.

That and it remains true that if you’re gonna do it, you’re gonna do it and by any means necessary… but so many are running into problems when it comes to doing it and many of those problems are of their own creation, again, making it harder for themselves than it has to be – or even should be.

And not doing much about making things happen for themselves. Avoiding Mr. Right Now like the plague while waiting for a Mr. Right to fall out of the sky and onto their dicks or in their mouth or butt while making the criteria for Mr. Right damned near impossible to reach or meet. Once upon a time, there were two ways you could get the dick you wanted: Go looking for it or just be somewhere you could be found.

Can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve been somewhere and minding my own business and have guys hit on me… and I wasn’t even looking to get hit on or even feeling a need to partake of some cock.

The hassle, as it exists right now, is very real – I just don’t quite understand why it’s such a hassle. We are, in fact, more knowledgeable about same-sex stuff because, after all, we’ve had all this time to watch homosexuals fighting for their right to be homosexual. We know – and have always known – that there are bisexuals even though the recent insanity gives one the impression that such a thing is impossible. Much of society is pretty NIMBY about it; what you do is your business as long as you don’t involve me or mine.

Yet, this continues to be a very major hassle. I dunno… maybe it’s just in our nature to make things more difficult than they should be and because bisexuality is becoming more visible, the hassle is much more visible… but I’m of a mind that the social angst isn’t totally and completely responsible for how… intense the hassle is these days. Again, many are ignoring the angst and seeing it for the childish behavior it really is. Many aren’t giving the morality of this behavior much in the way of weight because at the very least, it’s just being able to have sex and, not to be rude or anything, but it’s none of your fucking business who I’m having sex with and how I’m doing it.

Many people in relationships are seeing the sense in allowing themselves to explore the possibilities and more so when sex isn’t the only benefit that can be experienced. A lot of poly folks have bisexuals in their groups because, hmm, why not? Their sexual preference is more like gravy than it is a problem since, again, they bring other things to the table other than their libido and sexual duality. So, in many ways, the hassle is being dealt with and in some positive ways…

But it’s still a bitch and a motherfucker for a lot of people to find themselves caught up in the hassle… and more so when chances are they’re the reason why being bisexual is such a hassle in the first place.

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Posted by on 19 March 2020 in Today's Bisexual Thoughts


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